Friday, December 20, 2013

scotch tape

I highly recommend that if you want to read this blog today, that you grab a glass of's likely to be rambling and look much like the inside of my head.  The link below is to a blog written by my friend....this sparked something within me as I read it...which lead to another and another set of thoughts...

What I it enough...I mince words....I never fully name things....leaving lots of assumptions.  Why? It's my blog right?  I don't know that I can be scotch tape and if I can't, perhaps it's time to shut this silly little blog down...just go buy a journal and be done with the public part. 

Learned something terrible about myself on the solstice this year... I know I have made many choices based in fear over the years, hell many of us do.  What I think is me trying to keep the peace...well, that  is fear...I run...I ran and hid on Saturday night after what I perceived as long distance threats.  Peace? I don't give myself peace when I hide.  I'd really like to say I am done with that...make some huge declaration how I will never do that again....but that would just be words.  Seeing what is was? Well, I suppose that is a step in the right direction. Frankly I didn't see it.  I told my sister, I just don't want trouble, I am just trying to keep the peace...she is the one who called me on it.  She said this isn't about are scared. You got scared and you ran.  I did feel threatened...I did run....and then I a pile of pierogi and under my covers.

Below is a quote I had "liked" on Facebook that caused a problem and I made a choice to stay off for a while. I think it is alo why I have not been blogging.  Although I know, it isn't anyone's fault but is my continued reaction that fuels my fear~not what anyone else does or's me.  The care taking I do to keep peace? That is bullshit, it is part of a long term pattern that obviously has the opposite effect that I am searching for...oh, maybe I am the one who needs to be honest about how I am feeling...perhaps that would bring me peace.

"The real reason that some people are bad for you.

There are endless reasons why someone or some situation might be “bad for you.”

Subtle-but-perpetual criticism, toxic complaining, disconnection, narcissistic energy suckers, sheer boredom…

Take your pick of vibes that you’d rather not be around.

But a key reason that situations can be bad for you isn’t necessarily because of what a person or circumstance does “to you” — it’s how you will have to conform to the situation. The hurt happens when you shrink.

You will have to say less, dull your shine, pull in your power. You will play smaller, act dumber, mince your words.

You will restrain your magnificence — out of fear, or out of logic, or out of the intelligence to survive.

So it’s not about them, it’s about your response to them.

The next opportunity to meet, to work, to dine, to interact, to kiss, to speak, to spend, to serve (no matter how shiny, sexy, lucrative, coveted, necessary, obligatory or useful it may seem), ask yourself this:

Will I have to shrink to make this work?


Is this a place where I can expand?

Check your logic and call on your courage. Your heart’s intelligence will guide you.

Hang out where you can unfurl."  ~Danielle LaPorte

This least how I chose to read about...reaction. Not about people in my life at all.

Fear fear....oh.... I discovered something related to all of this over the weekend.  It's the myth I have created around "strong." 

I have somehow come to believe...for myself mind you...not for all of the strong people in my life, but for me to be "strong" came to mean:

Hide my feelings.
Cannot feel fear.
Cannot get hurt.
Do not get scared.

Real smart huh? Can I explain how I came to believe this for myself?  Did all the strong people in my life exhibit these traits? Um. Fuck no. So what in the hell was I doing holding myself to these ridiculous statements? 

I don't know.  I do know was hurting me.  I had it spilt open yesterday.  I admitted that I was scared...really scared and you know what? I freaking wept....not that I haven't cried a bit here and there, but I am talking something different.  I felt weak, scared, hurt, afraid...and I said it out loud, I embraced it....and I let it go.  I, at peace, and um, strong.

And you know what else I discovered? Even though I am the one in my marriage who asked for a separation in July...that doesn't mean I am not allowed to grieve for that marriage, that life, those dreams.  They were mine too....

I can't hide my feelings anymore, I am afraid, I hurt sometimes, and there are things that scare the shit out of me. But none of that diminishes my strength.  

I also threw this weekend...the most I have in a very long time.  And you know what? I was afraid to throw.  And I threw like crap. And now I am afraid of the games at the Arnold...there is no way I am gonna be ready....but, but, but, my shoulder doesn't hurt. So there is that.

I still don't know if I should keep writing....maybe this rambling will clear the decks for the training blogging I prefer to do...

Scotch tape....sigh....thanks Juli..I appreciate your "Scotch Tape~ness". I will just have to see where this goes.

Did ya finish that wine?

Oh. I also did a set of 2 back squats today at 285 that felt~easy.  Wheeeee!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

It happened.

No...I didn't wet my pants....

I did though, get the giggles in the gym yesterday...bad.

Back Squats 3 every minute x 10 @ 75% of 1RM
3 rounds for time:
100 Double Unders (or 300 singles)
15 Burpees
There was a penalty for missing a jump as well...You miss a jump you get an extra burpee at the end of the workout.  It was supposed to be for every three misses....I was keeping track but some how I messed it up anyway because I forgot it was for every three. Like I really needed more burpees.

Ok Back Squats... I went light.  Wimped out again...I did 185. I know, I know I should have been at about 225 but I was not feeling it.  I shall use the female "oh crap I got that early" as my excuse. I got to lift with Hersh...which was awesome...We got through the 10 minutes hopefully looking just as good if not better than the first rep.

Then the workout.  We had no penalty if we chose to stop jumping, but if you stepped on the rope...well, you had to really be accountable to your work on this.  I can usually get about 100 in a row...came close the first set...oh, I had to do 300 singles, since I can't double under. I then shot for sets of 50. So, what set me off?  Let's see....on the first round I got to 298....yes....298 and I stepped on the rope.  I have no idea why but I freaking lost it.  I had a hard time getting the last 2 jumps in because I could not stop laughing. 

After the burpees...dang my ankles hurt and my calves were on fire....I kept breaking things into smaller and smaller sets...and well, I kept laughing at all of this. At how slow I was, at how often I would jump 2 or 3 times then trip up, at having to stop and shake out my legs.  It was a great counter point to what had happened in the gym on Friday night.

Front Squats 3×5 (same weight)  155
Weighted Chinups 7×1 (increasing) I went down on band widths.
Tabata Deadlifts @ 80% of 1RM (245 not 80% but I was more focused on form and not hurting my back)
total reps for all 8 rounds

After having written about not finding release in lifting or working out~I had something hit me hard on Friday during the Front squats.  I don't mean getting a little teary or having to take a deep breath to regroup. I lost it.  Like uncontrollable....dare I say? Weeping at the bar. I still got all my rounds in, but damn...something shook loose and I can't have that happen like that again. Not there...not like that. I felt lost and then so embarrassed and yet...I didn't stop.

Oh well....Neither Will or BJ kicked me out of the gym so I know I am still welcome. 

Gonna miss today....sigh, but I am seeing Paul, so there is that.

On a side note~the boy and I went to a production of A Christmas Carol.  Something struck me this time watching Scrooge and the ghosts, perhaps because I was watching it live, perhaps because of all the change floating around my life...both the things I am claiming to want to change and the promise of change.  So often, this transformation for Scrooge just doesn't fly for me.  I mean, I love the movies and the story anyway, but I just don't buy it.  It is too sudden~too complete~too perfect.  My friend Rod said to me, if you had 3 ghosts visit you....  I still think there would be a short term change and then he would slide back into old habits... oh there it is~it isn't a change in habits that I see portrayed on film or on the stage~we are asked to believe that the CORE of who Scrooge is changes.  

That's what I fight against...that's what doesn't ring true to me.  

I am not saying people cannot change, but what is it that we change?  Habits that hurt us....behavior that no longer works. Which is Super Duper important...I get that, I really do. I talk about how much I have changed over the last 3+ years...but I just told an old friend yesterday...I am still me through all of this.  I love life~prefer to see the good in people~I am a goof ball.  You know at the core..(I am an ass)... Becoming an athlete, learning to respect myself, all the other things I have changed....did not change my core....

~can we really change our leopard spots into tiger stripes?

and would I really want to?

Thursday, December 12, 2013

back squats, feelin' weak, wetting my pants....

No, not really on that last one... but my ass hurts after the last 2 Crossfit workouts.

Well, I think it is safe to say that I am back to doing Crossfit.  It is not every day...but 3 or 4 days.  Trying to get to they gym during the holidays and with all this additional therapy and court crap going on...well, I am gonna cut myself some slack and be happy with the 3 to 4 days.  And yes... I am seeing someone...after all my whining about talky talky therapy, something inside just finally said it was time, that and as I said before, all of the people in my life urging me to go. 

I am at a "Crisis" center....which means it is really NOT all talky talky therapy.  It is about skills and coping strategies.  10 sessions max.  Kinda like Crossfit~you know short, get to it, be done...

One of the things I have already learned since I started, directly affects my work in the gym, which is why I bring it up.  I had tried to use the gym as a pressure release point as I have before, as many of us do. What I have found over the last two months is that I go to the gym and I can't focus, I can't move well, I try to lift heavy and I give up, I can't even get myself to watch the training video I bought. I guess this is typical.  Not necessarily about the gym, but about activities or things that used to give you pleasure.  So maybe after some talky talky I'll get some focus back that I need to train...

Any whoooo

Back Squats 8×2 increasing
10 rounds for time:
Farmer’s walk (heavy) down
Sprint down & back
3x15 Weighted back Extentions & Toes to Bar

So Squats...I love squats. Well, that's not exactly news huh?

I was lifting alone...all the boys had grouped up and the ladies in class were...well, too short to share a rack. So I start at 95  Crazy heavy right?
235  Oh this feels kinda nice
275  hmmm should I go up?  When I looked at the board I thought 275 was a good goal. I'd have to get 20 more on. 
295  I did it and it wasn't even all that ugly!

The farmers walk..I didn't get too heavy..shoulder and all...and I was slow as shit...but I just kept moving.
The last shit...jesus can I be done yet.  I'll tell ya something, after this three part workout? I stank.
Oh I smelled bad. 

Press 3×5
Deadlifts 1×5
8 minute AMRAP
10 Overhead Squats @ 50% bodyweight
10 DB Push Press @ 50% of bodyweight

This was a cluster f&*k for me....all that shoulder. I had some amazing body work done in the morning too.  I had a difficult afternoon...but I made myself go, because for various reasons Tuesday was even worse than Wednesday.  I even managed to go to the 6:30 class...squeaked that workout in. Presses blow. So (no giggling), but I had to lift at 55...I made a crack about it near Kori and I could tell I kinda hurt her feelings. I explained it like this...for me being restricted to 55 pounds because I am hurt is like if someone told you, you can only run around the block, once.  You know it is all relative to our particular strengths. 

Deads....haven't dead lifted in a while...

Started at 125 then 175 then 225 Mark came over and told me (politely) to slow the f$^k down. Focus on from, each part of the form.  I asked him how many sets...he just said til its heavy but not so you have to drop the weight. So I did one more set at 255. Not huge, but I forgot how taxing a set of 5 can be!

The rest of the workout...sigh...I am working on not judging myself..I had tried to overhead squat just the bar in the warm up and it Mark told me to Front squat instead and for my Push presses...wanna know how heavy I went?


It worked though...the shoulder feels fine today...and Hell, I worked out.

I got some cheerleading from the sidelines from Will...reminding me to keep moving...which I needed, thank you very much and I got a good reminder about the self judgement I was feeling earlier.  As Kori was setting up, she kept saying...I can't do these, these are the worst movement, I am terrible at these, these are not my thing. Well shit, we were facing each other during the workout, so we could make faces at one another. I watched her.  She did the first 2 sets unbroken...deep squats too... so at some point during the end...I yelled at her, you better change your mind...this IS your thing, make it your move.  She looked great, she just doesn't know it. Do overhead squats suck? Yeah, but Kori really was either doing half her body weight or at least really close.  As I was saying it to her, I realized I did just the thing she did~earlier...

Both of us forgetting that the stuff we think we suck at we really don't, you know why? Because we are doing it at all...

And really Kori, you have beautiful overhead squats...but I'll always suck at running!  I'll just try to complain less, I promise.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

something else....

oh boy oh boy, I just discovered something that a fat, out of condition, shoulder injury ridden, mildly depressed highland athlete should never do.....

If you walk in the gym and the workout on the board makes no sense, sometimes it means fun....other times, like today....


Will says, "this is a typical parkour workout."  It's taking people 16-25 minutes to do.  I snipe, try 36 for me...I get that look from know that "stop it" look, or maybe it was the "that's ok if it takes that long look."

My gut told me to run screaming from the gym.

Run 800m
then 2 rounds of:
Quadrupedal Movement 35 steps
Quadrupedal Movement with a pushup each step 35 steps
Inch Worm, 35 steps
Squat with a jump x 20

I looked at Sheila and I said, "I have never wanted to leave the gym more than I do right now." She and I rowed instead of running.  The first QM I did bear crawls.  Not bad. Then on to the QM with a push up... I tried to do a frog like jump, but it hurt my shoulder, so I moved to the spider crawl, which allowed me to take direct pressure off of my shoulder.  Then the inch worms.

By far the worst part.

I was down to about number 27 or so, when I was doubled over, panting like the fat girl I am right now....wanting so much to stop.  When I heard the ugly voice I had not heard in a while.

"quit...who one cares if you finish know you can't should not be doing this...."

So what happens? My crazy lady comes out.  I stand up straight and say (oh probably a little to loud) "just shut up, stand up, and keep moving."

Got those done...on to my crappy jump squats...and back around to the top.  It is, as you can imagine, much worse the second time through. I am breaking the bear crawls into 10's, the push up things in to 7's then 5's then 3's.  Then the damn inch worms...again....

I think 3 at a time, then 2...then 1.  Will calls out to me a couple of times...keep moving Mona.  I know I know...I am fighting tears and the desire to just finish.

I get to the squats...yeah of course I am all alone at this point. The only thing that bothers me about that is that everyone can see how crappily I move.  Sigh...ego.

I can only do 3 at a time I hurt so much..I hear Brittany yelling encouragement. Sheila comes over to me for the last 10 and says she is gonna do them with me.  I love her for that.  It is shocking that the closer I got to finishing the more I want to quit.  I don't even think I thanked her for doing the extra squats with me.  Thanks Sheila...I know I had my eyes closed...but I think I may have walked away if you were not there.

So yeah...outta shape, depressed, chubby, middle aged, injured highland athlete, just getting back to the crossfit deal....when you hear the words...Parkour....give it a try.  I did finish...and you know, I  did it in under 36 minutes.  22:25 actually.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

a minor streak

Guess what? 

Yes, yes...I did the crossfit insanity both yesterday and today at, as I count it...that's a 6 day streak.  I don't count the weekends...just the weekdays....the days I show up and do the WOD instead of chickening out. 

I know...not some sort of world record here, but I am learning something....I am not as far gone as I had thought.  I have not quit...yet...and I am not always dead last begging for it to stop. I am having some fun too.  Had some nasty lessons thrown my way the last two days as well.  That has always seemed to be my relationship with this crossfit thing. 



3x10 back squats

then 150 push ups.

yeah you just read that right...150 push ups.  AND there is a bonus, it isn't just the push ups...if you take a have to run...up & down the gym 3 times.

So, I go to where the fabulous Faith is working and I ask what she's lifting...125...I know it's light for me, but I am hurting and in all the moving and "where do I live" sorts of things, I have lost my weight lifting shoes.  No big deal right?  Well, I have turned into an accessories whore in the gym and on the field, so when I can't find them again last night...I can feel this crap start to bubble up in me.  Am I REALLY gonna cry over a pair of shoes?  I hate myself a little right now.

So I stay light....cause I can't lift without my shoes.  

Then BJ goes over the standards for the push ups...chest to the ground, no resting on the knees or on your heals...I make a snarky remark that unfortunately BJ he comes over to where I am setting myself up to fail...and says, " you can get to the ground, just try it."  Well...I guess I had been telling myself I can't for so long I had not REALLY tried.  

Now, I am still an epic crossfit loser.....but I do finish the workout in a little over 15 minutes and damn if I didn't get my belly and boobs to the ground on every rep and just kill me for thinking the the run was a relief.  Although, that last set was the ugliest set of push ups you have ever seen in your life. Yeah, don't get too excited, they were ALL on my knees....but I was happy when I left the gym.  As I was leaving, BJ says something to me like, you can do this, you have to just keep showing up. And I say, that's what I'm trying to do...

This morning I have PT with Paul.  I have been putting it off out of fear.  On what I refer to as "the dark night," my back was injured and well, I have been avoiding Paul because his work can release all sorts of flying monkeys and such.  I was simply up front with him...told him what I could and he worked on what he could....

wanna hear the fancy diagnosis?


"You are fucked up."

I love Paul.

Nerve damage in the hip and the entire spinal column is out of whack....and of course it is pulling my neck and my collar bone further out of place.

So, what do I decide to do this afternoon?

Yup...I hit the noon.

Bench Press 5×5
Weighted Pullups 5×3
8 Minute AMRAP
7 DB Thrusters @ 45/25
7 Slam Balls
7 Wall Balls
7 Pullups

I start on the bench press...and my shoulder was screaming at me. So guess what weight I do it at?  55...I try to think of it like it's just for range of motion...Sheila suggested that.  I also go down to the green band for the "weighted" pull ups.  They hurt too...I find myself siding further and further in to a really dark place and I make what I think is an innocuous comment about myself to Gilbert about how I can't even do a real pull up..still.  BJ makes a bee line for me and says, you ARE doing  real pull ups, you are all the way down at the bottom and you are going over the bar.  Yeah..but with a band....Yes Mona, but you are here, you are moving, and that's better than sitting and waiting to feel better, waiting for something to happen. I tell him I am really frustrated and angry...He says in that way of his...he understands and sometimes says the same things about himself.

I know he's right and I know that I must be a huge energy drain at the moment.

So, I do the workout...not the thrusters...BJ has me does front squats instead.  I go light with the wall balls and the slam balls I get 2 full sets in and I am short the third set by 2 pull ups. Again I feel good for having gone, having been there, but as I leave there is this absolute darkness that just washes over me. 

I sit in the parking lot and cry.  Cry for what never was.  Cry for my injured body. Cry for the life that was never real.  The level of lies and deception are completely overwhelming at the moment for me and I have come to this place of feeling a little like Alice....I want to trust...I always have wanted to trust, but now I have no idea what is real....I am a bit down this rabbit hole. I am really trying to take things moment by what is being said to me right now. 

I have been avoiding therapy like the least traditional talky talky therapy, but when everyone around you is saying, "so what are you doing for yourself Mona," and when your PT guys says, "have you talked to anyone yet," Maybe it is time to just get some clarification....I suppose I am avoiding it, because I don't want to hear the word that I know is coming.  I am trying not to be defined by that moment, not to have that moment and the things I have learned since be woven into the fabric of the story of who I am. 

I suppose that is a futile fight isn't it?

I can't let it go if I keep pretending it isn't happening...that it didn't happen. I can't get out of this rabbit hole alone.

Friday, November 22, 2013

little updates

ok, don't freak out...

I have done Crossfit 3 whole days in a row. 

Yes yes you read that right...3 whole days.

Ok...Wednesday, I bought Vivi to her lifting's earlier than the Crossfit classes, but I am reeeeaaalllly trying to commit to doing this.  So...I warm up...I look at the board and wonder how the hell I am going to motivate myself. 

7X2 Snatches


10 minute AMRAP
 5 Hang Power Clean & Push Press @ 95/65
 5 Knees to elbows
20 Double Unders...(double the singles for me)

UGH shoulder is still not feeling it. 

Then guess who walks in the gym?  None other than Mr. I suck at Crossfit, Marz.

Oh...I roped him into doing the workout with me.  Yippie.  Marz is nursing a knee injury...I have a shoulder injury....we were thinking Marz should get on my shoulders, I'll do the squat if Marz gets the bar over head.

We did the workout together....I was grateful to have Marz kicking my ass. It wasn't too horrible, my shoulder held up during the snatches. Well, I only used the bar.  It held up during the push presses too...I even used 65 pounds. Of course, what happens when BJ comes in?  He sees both my name and Marz's name on the board...and he accuses the two of us of just putting our names on the board.  There is no proof after all, since he didn't see us do the work. 

Sigh...I love know in that way you love someone who kicks your ass and pushes your buttons.

And Vivi? She is snatching 15 kilos now...that's about the same weight I used. It's a pr for her...and she pr'd on her deadlift that night too.  She's all sorts of beautiful.

So...I go last night too....I was sore..and I look at the board....

Tabata Barbell @ 45/35
Back Squats
Push Jerk
Front Squats


Oh..I get it.

I don't think I can do this.  Really.  I don't.  I spoke with a friend yesterday about the losses both she and I are experiencing right now...she was saying how she is crying a bunch right now. I, on the other hand, am feeling...very...controlled.  Yesterday was a crazy challenging day and I swear I could feel the pressure under my a crappy old pressure cooker...but I stuffed it down to a tiny black rock that I will feed booze and crappy food that will turn into an ulcer later.


But...I did the warm up...then we started the work out...knowing the whole Tabata thing well...I pace myself.  I am slow and heavy and breathing hard and it feels like everyone else is breezing through this thing, which of course SHOULD NOT MATTER.  I am back at the Crossfit deal, it is actually just about me, about my workout. I could feel some emotional crap starting to surface so I beat that  down....I know, I know, I might need to just let that fly. Not last night...not at Zia.

Heart beating fast....remembering that is how I am supposed to feel..trusting the pulse will come down...I was shaky, sweaty, kinda icky.  But, I let myself recover buy jumping on the rower...that's weird, but it helped.

3 days in a row of Crossfit...that's good for me.  I made the mistake of looking at the Zia page for today's workout.  Sigh...I need some help to make this 4 in a row.  You know why? Because I feel good..well at least physically...and Hell I guess other stuff too.  I don't feel like a too hot pressure cooker today. I am all "good" sore, you know, I am having trouble getting out of my office chair sort of sore. 


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

A couple of little roses....

Soooooo, I posted this meme this morning on my Facebook page....

Been having a really tough time getting to the gym. I could list the excuses right now, but really they are just excuses.

I decided to try noon least on Tuesdays and Thursdays when Vivi is not at the gym. (Or supposed to be at the gym.)  I get into Zia and guess who is there?  The Doctor!  wheeee....she is moving to Minnesota...tomorrow.  I have not seen her in at least six weeks and I haven't been to a noon class in months...what are the odds.

I'm all shades of thrilled.

I see the board and the euphoria I was feeling at seeing Sarah fades.

5x5 Push presses

5 Pull Ups
10 Push Ups
15 Squats.
5 rounds

then 3x10
Weighted sit ups.

Really?  well hell....

The warm up was fun...Planks, Rowing, jumping, Step Ups, T-Push ups....of course BJ saw my post this morning and was teasing me...I deserved it...outta shape heavy athlete that I am.  Sarah said she'd stick with me on the workout...I was guessing it would take me 20 minutes.  Not really, maybe 15.  Looked a the board, lots of people did it in 3 or 4 minutes. HA!!!!

I lifted with Sheila...crazy strong lady~thank you... we settled on 95.  BJ came over and told me I was cheating by actually doing a jerk.  Ooops...didn't mean to. He helped me correct it so I finished by not cheating.

Then we set up for the work out.  Sarah did keep pace with me, crazy lady....I know she could have done it in half the time I did.  I am gonna miss her....

Pull ups...don't get excited, I did them with a thick band (it was too easy, I'll go down a band next time).
Push ups...don't get excited, knees.
Squats.....well, they we squats.

I was joking with Beth that I was only gonna do three rounds...I got a solid scolding.  I did finish in 7 ish minutes.  I was complaining by the end of the sit ups that I thought my eye was going to pop out, or that I might burst an ovary. I am sure no one has missed my ridiculous behavior in the noon classes.  I feel kinda shaky and yes I checked my pulse.  I did remind myself that I used to work out at noon A LOT and I used to always feel like this..and it feels....good.  I am going to remember to make this....scratch make me a priority.  I have let this piece of my fitness slip and I know I will feel better getting a little more "conditioning" under my belt again.  I mean, I am not gonna lie....I would rather lift all the time, but I also know that this is really what my body and my training needs. At least for a few weeks.....

Remember my rose?

Well, a quick reminder...I got this rose from a woman I know from Zia, Megan.  She gave it to me in the parking lot of Trader Joe's shortly after the very dark night that I had last month.  All I said to her was I have had the worst week of my life and she handed me this rose.  I took this picture about 3 weeks after she handed it to me.  Yup...3 weeks.  This flower....magic.  It began to sprout all along the stem...little, beautiful, green leaves.  Shortly after I took this photo...the little stems dried up and the rose drooped just a little.  I pulled it out of the water and thought, "how do I keep you alive?  You are my magic rose.  I can't let you go." I smelled it and decided it wasn't the rose, it was the kindness, the love behind it.  I placed the magic rose in the trash and let it go.  It had more than served its purpose.


All of these in the midst of all of this pain and confusion.

A lovely reminder too, that nothing lasts.  Good or bad, joy or pain....they all end, they are all part of a whole, and perhaps they all serve their purpose as well.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


Geez....I don't write any more do I?

So the last time I wrote I was musing about how I was gonna get to the gym, guess what? I never did.....not the whole week. I did however start the Whole "until Thanksgiving."

I went to the gym Monday....I just kinda wandered around the gym, looking for my equipment, watching my daughter lift...oh, I did jump rope, row, light back squats, and some stone drills.  I just like being there...and I am finally ok with taking longer breaks from working out.  My shoulder feels better, so why would I jack that up again.  True, I have a competition in March...but um that is in MARCH. 

I am under a bit of pressure and I did want to dial in my eating a bit.

So, I am really trying to back off....of myself.

I am working on an Indigogo thing for my Scotland trip and I am finding it very difficult to write about myself in a way that is "self promoting." Especially now....Not easy for me. I am getting help from Grace...I am very grateful.

As for the food?

I am a pig.  I mean really.  I can't stop eating.  It has started to ease up a bit and I have found that I love finding all sorts of ways to shove veggies into a meal. 

The big thing though after 8 days?  My fingers.

Yeah fingers.  I have this mild swelling all the time in my hands and fingers that slowly creeps in and that I really hardly notice.  And no, it isn't wheat.  I really have never added wheat back in the diet.  I suspect sugar.

So it is nice to see my hands again.

Seems to be a theme in my life right now....saying hello to all sorts of pieces of me that I forgot 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Tucson and hopefully more.

Still homeless.
Still throwing.
Disappointing numbers.
Lessons from the big caber.

Was in Tucson this past weekend, it is the third time at these games for me.  Both Heather and I were throwing well short of what we threw the prior weekend in Texas...I was down 10 feet on hammers...5 feet on WFD.  I threw Open.  Not sure I'll do that again at these games.  I had some point to throwing open~ I wanted to prove to myself...some numbers game...some "boosting" of my ranking in NASGA. 

Yeah Ego crap.

And bit me. Not just for physical reasons...but you know...for those of you who read this blog...all the other stuff too. 

I threw ok with all of that settling in my bones....and my bones being tired.  But you are games...they are fun...who the Hell cares where I finish at the end of the year.  Or at least I shouldn't by this point.  The last games of the season should be even more fun.  I am surrounded by the greatest people. 

Lisa Bradley had dubbed this the International Year of Mona but it quickly became "The Year that could have broken me completely".  I chose to say yes to the gifts that were presented, to the people who actually dig me for me, so it didn't break me, not even close.

There have been crappy details and lawyers and meetings and painful words and more painful decisions and more crappy details to deal with and I have been missing the gym. GRRR.

The fun news on the day I left for the games.  I got accepted to the Arnold.

Ok it's the first time they have had a full blown all classes sort of games at this thing!  And I got in.


I looked at the list...some AMAZE BALLS throwers in the Women's Master's Class...Many I don't know.  I decided it will be my first game of the 2014 season.  I also decided I will have to go to fewer games, both for physical reasons and financial reasons especially if I think I can go to Scotland this year.  

Got a lot to do...mainly rest and repair. Then, I am focusing on a little conditioning...yeah  back to CrossFit for a while. I also have to get on the fundraising thing and get some airline tickets for the big trip. I have my site started but I am waiting to finish up a video.  Then I'll bug BJ...and I'll watch the new Pockoski video I bought.  There is a beautiful thrower in AZ.....Jackie....she and I decided we are gonna get and stay on each others asses about this new training video and about training in general.

OH the caber....HA.  At the end of the games, after some free corn dogs (ew) and a couple of beers, I managed to sweet talk the AD into letting me try the men's caber.  16'6" 90+ pounds.  I just wanted to see if I could pick it.  You know what? I did.  A clean fast pick...I even walked with it...Richard gave me a 20 degree turn on it! HA...

Lesson....stop freaking thinking so body knew what to do...I didn't get in the the training.

Funny thing?  In competition, I dropped the women's caber....yeah...over thinking ego crap....blah blah blah.

Two other little bits of information:

Need a new kilt. Mine looks like crap and the seams are frayed.

Back on the whole 30, but it's a whole 25 or something.  Going 'til thanksgiving.

I'll let you know if I ever get back to the gym....

Monday, October 28, 2013

Texas round up.

A Texas list:

1300 miles in 2 days.

One PR

One tied PR

Almost took out a teammate while practicing stone. Sorry Shannon.

Smashed the fingers of a thrower that I admire beyond words.  Sorry Heather.

Felt awkward to be at these games, felt more awkward to leave.

Found support in a surprising and lovely place.  Thanks Sarah.

Had a great time using Vivi to stretch out my hamstrings.

Ate too much bread.  WHY DID I EAT THE BUN?

Got to see my friend Rocky for a short bit.

The trip didn't feel nearly as long as it really was....I never went loopy either there or back.

Our team took second...but I bet we had more fun than anyone else.  Well, I know I was a bit of a Debbie Downer when we started, but I loosened up eventually.

Finished in the top 6 for at least 5 events.

Big shocker?  Looked on NASGA this morning.....managed to finish 4th over all.  Really?  Cool.  Like you just don't know how cool that is in this group of women. 


Eh?  gotta reboot stones,  I threw these same exact stones in February...5 FEET further. I think I have tried to listen to what everyone is telling me to do on nothing works any more.

Another?  days just keep marching will not be the same, nor will I feel the same....but...I also get to feel what I'm feeling.

Another?  I think I am gonna take a bigger chunk of time off than I had originally planned. 

Another?  God~I love meeting and watching and throwing with people I have just well as watching those who are new....and watching those who I have LOVED to watch since I started this sport.

I had something else planned for this morning's Blog....more details on each event...but....well...this is what I got this morning.  (thanks Larry Ventress!)

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


Headed to Texas this weekend.  A team challenge.  I have never done one of those.  I have some epic throwers on the team too....Beth Burton, Terri Ventress, Shannon Hamlyn-Burton, Teresa Nystrom, and a young thrower named Cathrine who isn't on I can't stalk her.

Y'all know I had lofty season goals...and I hope that I throw well this weekend.  The shoulder is healing up.  In fact, I was able to do some strict presses yesterday.  Light, but was uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt.

Aside from being excited to throw on my team, I also get to be on the field with Brittany, Heather, Keli, Tammy, Bethany, Denise, Tomasina, Stephanie, and other women I have yet to meet.  The best part though? Vivi is my travel companion for these games.

I have this tiny spark inside me that feels like I may never come back.  You know, I may look at that gas tank and simply keep driving or stay put.  Although....sorry to my Texas ladies who read IS Texas, so I won't actually stay.  It doesn't change anything or fix crap, but it sort feels like it know to just run from what happened last week.~from broken glass, broken doors, broken knuckles, broken family, broken hearts, guns and cops and sirens and tears.  Not that it would be a huge loss to the state of New Mexico or the city of Santa Fe if I did stay in Texas, but life goes on and I will come home.  I thought for a bit that I shouldn't go to these last two competitions.  Hell, I am basically homeless at this point, what business do I have traveling or competing or god forbid, enjoying myself at all right now?

Hmmm...well, what did I say just now?  Life goes on, it moves forward and I can either stay still and rot or I can keep moving along....keep moving forward....keep doing the things that make me feel grounded especially while everything else around spun out of my control.  So, Vivi and I are going to Texas, we go to work and school, we even go to the gym.  

Goals for these games?  Find my feet,  remember I can be grounded, enjoy these crazy strong women around me (which includes my Vivi). Then I'll come home and take more steps....

Gym yesterday? why yes...I did.

I don't have a "program" right now....oh my god I I did what was on the freaking white board.

3x5 Back squats at 75% of 1RM
3x5 Presses  at 75% of 1RM

then a 7 minute AMRAP  (what the hell is that again?)
7 DB Cleans
7 Burpees
7 Push ups.

I thought, what the hell, it is mostly strength stuff.  I also know how bad my conditioning has become ever since the heart crap.  Vivi was lifting so I was too early for a class...I did the lifting.  BS at 230 & presses at 65. Yeah I know those presses are light, but the shoulder...ahhhh. 

Then...excuse me while I have a prideful moment here...I didn't just walk away.  As they were setting up for the class and as Vivi was asking if we could leave...I set my crap up and set a timer.  I actually did the work out.  All alone...slow as shit...and god help me I can't do a push up any more...but I did it...ticked away at those 7 minutes and those stupid burpees.

When I was done...I worried a bit about the heart, but I let it I lay on the floor all I could think of was how in those 7 minutes I wasn't afraid.  In those 7 minutes I wasn't bruised.   In those 7 minutes I wasn't worried about how to move forward.

I just moved. 

I said to BJ as I was leaving the gym, "Heavy athletes shouldn't do burpees."

"Yes they should," He said.

"I know, that's why I did them...."

He just gave me a crooked smile and went back to class.  

As for the gym today~~

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

300....not the movie..

So, it has been a while since I have been here....300. mean I know I said I had gained some weight, but that's not what I meant.


After a full morning of domesticated crap...vacuuming, mopping, garbage taking outing, shampooing carpets, laundry, doing dishes, hanging up some art, vacuuming the car...I had to get the Hell outta there.

Yesterday was interesting in the gym.  I went at noon...I wasn't working....turns out everyone else had the same idea.   It was pretty packed for a noon class.

Did warm ups and rowing and blah blah blah...Back squat day.


The last few months have been lightish...I've been sore, injured, lazy too.

So I warm up with the bar.  Do my first set at 95.    Impressive huh?  Then 135....then 185.  Now lately 185 has started to feel heavy.  It didn't.

On to singles.

215...oh really heavy there Mona.  Then 235...felt ok.  then 265...hmmmm felt ok.

All the 300 other people in the gym were doing double unders and burpees or I thought...oh just try a little more, cause at least I am not doing THAT. Even though I was done with the 3 sets I needed to do.

285...haven't put 285 on the bar in a while.  It felt...ok.  My spine was still intact.

ok well Mona....what do you wanna do? you got another one in there? 

305. was sorta ugly, but it has been quite some time since I even tried it that heavy.  I have been feeling so fragile emotionally that I have let it make me feel the same way under the bar. I just focused on my legs...getting a good position with my knees and my hips.  It's not a pr, but it felt good. Even better was the reminder to focus on a small detail, a little adjustment that can help you get the bar up.  It isn't about the weight on my back, it is about the strength in my legs, my hips, how I hold my head, that makes the weight "bearable."

BJ is gonna bring in my next set of things to work on today....I am hoping I can let go of this fragile feeling that has been tugging at me.  At least under the bar. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Identity Crisis....

Actor or athlete?

Why can't I be both?  I know I have blathered on before on this blog about the struggle of being both.  About comments from my theater family that because I post so openly about athletics that they assume I am not interested in acting.  You know, I don't get called for readings and such anymore because I (sarcastic tone here) have to post sooooo much about athletics. 

Well...athletics...throwing~lifting~gym crap is in someways is easier to post about.  After all it is quantifiable.  There aren't really numbers associated with acting.  I can't track my "acting goals" on a spread sheet. Such a subjective beast~art. Then you add the additional issue that I am HORRIBLE at self promotion...ICKY POO.  I had a wicked blow this summer when I was told I was cast...and it just someone who is a fine actor...but a wicked self promoter.

So I think, often, maybe I am done as an actor.....the egos I can do without...cause never mind.....that's not true.  I have "labeled" myself an actor for so long...what would that feel like to just stop?  When I took a self imposed break from acting to help Kegan with college apps and auditions,  I had a friend warn me...."If you aren't doing it...people forget who you are and a year can turn to 10 years in a heart beat." The small group of talented folks I work with~laughed.  But I knew she was right.  It's my job to get out there...but maybe I don't want to...maybe, like I said, I am done. 

I have become more comfortable with the quantifiable.

Then....I had a rehearsal.  I love this work, I love who I am when I work.  I am me....just as much as when I am caring for my daughter~ just as much as when I am throwing.

The next morning, I found this's long, but boy oh boy it spoke to me. Read it if you care to.

I am not "inherently" anything...I am me and who I am around helps define what I do.

"Authentic Self"

"We don't have an authentic self. We are always a product of the interactions with people around us. They aren't interfering with the production of our identities; our interactions with them are the production of our identities....

......I've talked about this in the past, particularly when it comes to labels....I am a lot of things. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a student, a teacher, a feminist, a humanist, a liberal, a daughter . . . Each of those identities is important to me, and each is dependent upon other people for their very existence"


I am an actor...when I am acting.... 

I am an athlete...when I am athletic....

I am a lover....when I am loving....

I am a mom.....when I am a mother....

and on and on and on.

I am not the labels, I am the action....

I am.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Ah Facebook....

Stoop'd Facebook....this image is all over this morning.

 I was just gonna hit the share button, but I decided to look at the link it came from first....this is a tiny part of what I found....

"Being afraid doesn’t make you inadequate: Many of us feel embarrassed and ashamed of our fears. We’ve been conditioned to believe that fear makes us weak. “Grow up. Man up. It’s not cool to be scared. Don’t be such a cry baby.” But stored up fears never make us stronger. Quite the opposite, stored up fears break us (emotionally and physically). If you want to set a powerful example for yourself and others, give your fears a voice. Talk it out.......Let love rule: Love is greater than fear. And love is everywhere, always. Love is the glue that holds the infinite together."
I was reminded of this very thing this weekend....and someone reminded me to put a light back in my lighthouse...because I did break this weekend.   Sunday morning...was....dark...I became completely engulfed. I couldn't even look in the eyes of the people around me.

Crazy huh?

I had a fun day throwing...not great throws on my part, but fun and inspiring too....lots of friends and support and new throwers pulled from the ranks of Zia....but Saturday night I had a Tachycardia event..a long one too...I sat and tried to read and that's when the fears closed in on me.  I thought about reaching out for help...but it was late and I am supposed to be strong...I am supposed to hold it together...finally the heart calmed back down after about 2:30AM and I slept...but the night of fears and doubts and imagined limitations and perceived failures had consumed me to the point of barely being able to this overwhelming shame...shame of being me.

Happy little blog huh?

Thankfully.....I am surrounded by love,  by all of these people who love what they do, love life, thankfully like me a little too.

I allowed myself to just feel accept it and what do you know....the shame, the ridiculous self hatred and fear....began to ebb. I feel like I was saved by a dear friend Sunday.  Who just looked at me, but didn't press me to explain.  Who called the dark by name so that I could see it for what it was. Who just helped me sit with it and reminded me that I am enough.

Crazy I still need that reminder, but I also know I am not the only know because it was all over facebook....

HA HA HA....

It is time for me to just start again...

"If I'm miserable, change it. If I'm unhappy with my body, my strength, my relationships – whatever it is… CHANGE it. Quit bitching about it, and do it.

Life is short. I am meant to enjoy it while I'm here… Don’t stress about the crap I cannot control.

Life is short. Live it with a big fat smile on your face and warm the hearts of those around you.. you do not know when that smile will be the last smile they see, or the last one you give."

 No shame in having to start long as I keep starting long I as I can begin again.

I think it is gonna be a kick as Winter....just putting that out there.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Little repost

Oh, I miss dead lifts.  Not really the point of this re~post, but I do miss them. Not sure I could do them right now with the slightly less jacked shoulder, but I do miss them...

I get the point...I hear it loud and clear these days...the only thing I don't like is the idea that people have to take part in what you do in order to be supportive.  I happen to have wildly supportive folks around me who don't do anything I do.  But but but....I do know the pain of having someone belittle what I am doing.  Taken me a while to see that it really has nothing to do with me.  It can be excruciating to say goodbye to people, even when they are hurting you.  Funny to me that I can feel pain for something that no longer works....and in some cases, the people I have culled from my herd, don't even know they have been culled.  Makes that pretty clear they were not really friends in the first place huh? 

Maybe that isn't true...they were friends, but sometimes relationships serve a short term purpose.  Better to honor what once was and let it go, than expect anything to last forever.

Monday, September 30, 2013

pre-Aztec and more ouchies.

I had a decent report from my doc the other day, right?  So, yeah I go down to throw on Sunday and I am feeling ok. I had a really nice start to my day on Saturday that really just put me in a happy place that is difficult to describe.  I know the shoulder will be fine.

So...I pick up a weight and as it comes around...I know I have made a mistake....something is wrong, the way I am coming around is just wrong. As soon as I release the

Pain...I keep throwing a little....I get some good coaching about my last turn on the WFD stuff.....I am actually slowing down.  And I am not getting my chest around which makes me release waaaay too high....

Gonna see Paul Tuesday.

That's all I got really.

I am super disappointed with the way I am throwing....been working on form, but all I feel is stiff.  I also feel like I have no connection to my power anymore....

Maybe it's the end of the season, maybe it's because I am chubby again, maybe it's my ridiculous life.

I already know I didn't meet very many of my goals for the year....the one revised goal after I had the heart stuff happen, was to end the year with a ranking in NASGA in the top 25....don't think that's gonna happen either.  I keep watching it drop week to week....yet I keep stuffing my face and feeling sorry for myself.

ok Aztec is Saturday....goal?

siiiigh....not hurt?  try not to cry?


Braemar   21'10"
LWD  63"4"
HH     62"
LH     73'9"
Sheaf  22'6"

Yeah...broken record  "I'd like 16 in WOB"  HWD...I dream of 40 some day.....

Highly doubt I am gonna get any of this or meet last years numbers at all.

I true goals?

1.  Enjoy my body and relish in the fact that it can move. It wasn't that long ago that a certain doc told me I'd be in a wheel chair soon.
2.  Spend some time down by the river.....just listening to the water.
3.  Be....quiet....
4. Enjoy this lovely highland family that doesn't really care how I throw, because they like spending time with me as much as I like spending time with them.

When I get back...BJ & Will & I have some thinking and planning to do....wheels are in motion...but I gotta find a little peace first.

Hey....have I thanked you for reading this ridiculous blog?

I really am humbled that you take the time to read my ramblings. 


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

doctor updates.

Have I mentioned before how much I love each and everyone one of the people on my "try to keep Mona Healthy" team?

Y'all know about the folks at Zia....first on the list in someways because they require my full participation.  They can't do squat unless I get my ass in the gym.  They can't do squat if I don't give it a real effort.  They are there...they help me out, but it really is in my court.

Y'all also know how I feel about Chuck and Grant pushing me to train...same sorta stuff as with Zia...I gotta do the work.

Then there is Dan Piburn.
I gotta show up, but all I do is lay on his table....and well, breathe....Love how he works these old muscles.

And Paul Scott....I know I have written a boat load about him too....saved me from shutting my whole physical self down and packing it in.  That is NOT an exaggeration.

Today I shall sing the praises of my regular doc....yeah the old western medicine sort....I freaking love her.  Well, she is a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine  so, western, but more.  She has also helped me with my neck...she does these adjustment things...hard to describe and I know to some folks it doesn't feel like she does anything....micro movement sorts of stuff.  Makes a huge difference to me and my bones.

So today I saw her for my "annual" which isn't really annual any more...I think it's like every 3 years now?  ANYWAY...I also needed to talk to her about my knee and my shoulder.  Yeah, that weird bulging spot on my right knee that keeps sliding out and just aches and the shoulder...I have not talked about this yet, but my right shoulder...aches.  I can throw, but I can't really press overhead any more....So Dr. Musgrave moves me..and moves me, and moves the joints....and get this...she is HONEST with me.  She doesn't really understand what is happening to the knee.  What is clear is that it is NOT the joint. She thinks it might be my hamstring being over worked and possible tendinitis.  Her "prescription"....better warm ups and focus on that in the gym for a while.  Shoulder....again, not serious and she says definitely not the rotator's the acromioclavicular joint,  possible tendinitis due to over use...ha yeah.

She said we can do injections into the joint to release it, but given what I do and my sport, she tells me, "I can do injections, but I would rather you see an Orthopedic Surgeon, because I want you to have the best result." 

See why I like her?  She then tells and maybe some physical therapy....mobility exercises...may be enough, so call if that doesn't work and I'll get you a referral. 

I mention my recent weight gain...and with a straight face she says, "I'm not worried, you are under a lot of stress right now, but you are active and all your vitals are fine. You'll work it out and be fine."

Wow...thanks....I am not just a BMI.

I still feel like a chubby chubbikins....but the lack of patronizing and the respect was very cool.

So now what?

Gotta call Paul, have him play with the shoulder....and I gotta make that appointment we all love....time for some boobie smashing.

and I really want some cheesecake....sad isn't it?

Monday, September 23, 2013

Post something....

Numbers numbers.....I didn't write them down....

I know I did better on the stones....
16 WOB still lives rent free in my head.
Sheaf....didn't even attempt the numbers I should have....

This though...this was the good stuff...the AZian Invasion.

If you look friend Patty is in the back round too....

The games were fun...I never really did get my competitive juices up and flowing. I would like to blame the late season game stuff, but was me.  I learned a painful lesson this weekend, oddly enough, during competition, about holding things in too long,  about saying, "i'm ok" over and over because I wanted to make it true. You know the fake it til you make it thing. 

It has worked in a bunch of games so far, so why not now?  Perhaps because I was surrounded by family.  Lots and lots of family. 

Family, theater family, work family, gym family, highland family.....all came together...all came to this ren fair and stopped by the field.  Either to hang for a bit or just say hi or to get motivated to sign up for Sunday (5 did!) was all wonderful and surprising to me.

Perhaps feeling all this support let something loose in me.  Filled my heart so much that it had to let go. Boy oh by did I crack.  And you know what happened?

no one died...not even me.
no one hates me
no one laughed at me
no one said I was over reacting

all this family....really was family to me this weekend....

Imma be a little fragile for a while I am afraid....and I may just write about it, or not...I may not write at all for a while,  I hate coming off as ungrateful.

You know I still remember the words of my friend Crow while she was coaching me back when I first started Crossfit, "Just be thankful you can move Mona..Just be thankful you can move." 

Not sure why that popped in my brain just now...but it is important to me right now, to this moment in time.  Everything passes....the good, the troubling, even kidney stones, and bad beer, as long as I keep moving. 

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Santa Fe

oh we are again, two days away from the Santa Fe games...

so...a reminder to myself...trying to meet or beat last years numbers, which could be pretty tough, I was throwing well at this point last year...although I was nursing a slightly damaged knee.

Braemer         21'6"   (it's a 17 pound stone...ugh)
Open              28'2"   (11lbs)
Light WD       59'3"
HH                 63'11"
Sheaf             22"

WOB & Heavy WFD will be with the 28 so you know, I am chasing the same goals I always seem to chase. 

Unlike last year, with were the "dusty celtic games" these may be the "muddy celtic games." Training leading up to these games has been sketchy at best....the week after Pleasanton...nothing at all, last week...super light and I basically wanted to quit every lift....this week, Monday started out well, I was able to get Back Squats in at 275...but Tuesday was...well...a challenging evening...I let myself feel super small and cowered in a corner so to speak, and never went to the gym....yesterday...went to the gym, worked on throwing things, but I had body work in the afternoon and I was not really feeling like I should lift.

And food?

Good god, I was joking with Dan yesterday while I was on his table, that it didn't seem to matter what emotion has come up lately they are all either celebrated or stuffed down with crappy food. 

I know better, I really do.  I know I am the one stuffing my face...yet there I go.  I always start the day well...Funny too, I know somewhere deep down that if I was really fueling my body well, I could handle the chaos in my life much better...

Just not doing it right now. 

I hate feeling like a chubbikins, wondering if my kilt will even fit. 

The good, non-whiney stuff?  There are gonna be a couple of folks from the gym throwing...a cool cool crew of ladies coming in from Arizona to check out our laid back games...and one of my favorite throwers who is on a break from the games is gonna come and watch.  Who knows, it might get her to throw again.

And Hell Sarah Bronner bought a kilt....wheee!

Best conversation of the week?

me: so you got a PR?

Vivi: yeah.

Me: dead lift?

Vivi: all of them...

Me: what?

Vivi: (sigh) all of them mom...

Me: ok cool....I didn't know that.

Santa Fe Games & Ren Fair

Monday, September 16, 2013

Sorry and thank you

I wanna apologize...I have been letting the events of the last few months cloud my ability to be positive and grateful....

I thought I was..but I realized that when I post something that to me sounds or feels like a step forward or a positive growth thinggy, and I get comments that tell me I'll be ok or don't be so hard on yourself...that what I think is me writing positively clearly isn't!  I'm trying really! lauighing....

and here is something cute....

Ok on that stupid note...

About a year ago, it just so happens, during the Santa Fe Games, I had a couple of amazing things happen.

I had only been with Zia CrossFit for a few months.  As the games started I realized that there were a whole crew of Zia folks who came out to see what I was always talking about in the gym.  Some of them I had only really worked out with a few times.

This sort of support for me and for others in the gym has been unflagging.  I have spent the year since in a strength program, then back to Crossfit, then backing off due to heart issues and now feeling almost ready to hit something hard again. 


Through all of these changes, BJ and Will have always shown support for what I do and  they have pushed me gently during the health issues.  Encouraging me to come lift in the corner, never worried that I might let a hammer fly in the gym, trying to get me to be less afraid.

It isn't just BJ and Will and Travis and Mark either...I think that the atmosphere that they create spills over all of us.  In the past year...a good number of people have become certified in both Crossfit and by USAW, I have seen people try new things, weightlifting competitions, triathlons, shooting, paintball, swimming challenges, throwing heavy stuff,  a few even took the fire fighter's test, beer runs, even bowling (which I missed~SIGH)...and yea...I am probably forgetting a bunch. 

Anyway, where is this rambling headed? 

I am thankful you have allowed me to be a part of your gym, that you have invested your time and energy into me and my unusual sport.

I am throwing in Santa Fe this weekend and I hope that I can make Zia proud of the work I have been able to do, in large part because of the hard work and inspiration of the entire community in my crazy gym.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Dress lessons

I did workout yesterday.

I think.

It was super lame, completely unmotivated....I am feeling, weird.  My morning had put me in a place of just wanting to be snuggled up in bed all day.  Went to the gym and I could not shake just wanting to go home...home...home.

I warmed up, I think...then decided to squat even though it wasn't really a squat day.  The squats were so taxing on Monday I wanted to just move a little weight.  Shane came over and asked me what I was up to,  I said Squats & cleans.. I that order he asked.....  He said he does more complex moves first...solid reasoning, but I just needed to move my legs.  He agreed with me...for my squat first.  Boy oh boy did I go light.

Faith came over and I bitched and moaned to her that 135 felt heavy.

yeah   135...

Moved to the know my favorite lazy back hold for 3 second hang cleans....couldn't get 125 up.  Oh well...worked WFD too, and I was on a lazy river going no where.

More than a week off is posing challenges......that and my head....

So, when I got back from the games in Enumclaw, I had a little bit of winnings...I used most of it to payoff the airline ticket, but I also decided to buy myself something.  See, I have a friend who is a clothing designer. I already have one of her dresses that I adore. I saw this on her Instagram page... is a link to her page...


Now, she and I go way back and she sent me colors and patterns and all sorts of stuff to think about.  I had to be honest with her know her stuff is amazing, but you know...she doesn't look like me, nor do her models...BUT she did already make me something that I love...sigh....old demons come up. I send her my measurements, she assures me that this one especially is made for any's a wrap after all. forward...Monday...I get a package in the mail...

dang, even her labels are cute...

I throw the package in the car and go to pick up Vivi from school,  I open it up and I just hold the dress on my lap.  I get home, I leave it in the car....I can't bring myself to put the dress on, to see if it even fits.  The colors and the patterning are inspired....Blues and

I fold it back up and think, I can't wear won't look right on me...I am too heavy right now, I am not her normal client, I won't do her artistry justice...a whole day I do this shit to  Now frankly, years ago, I may have bought the dress and NEVER put it on.  I got up the next morning, looked at my heavy athlete ass in the mirror after my shower and said to myself that you are disrespecting Kristen and her work by NOT putting it on. 

So...I put it on....and you know what, she is right, it fits this heavy yet athletic body just fine.

And you know what else?  I am not waiting for "the right occasion" to wear it. 

I might just wear it to the grocery store tomorrow....

and here is her link again....cause you know, I think she is all sorts of fabulous.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Goals and a neck they are, my numbers from the Santa Fe Games in 2012

Braemer         21'6"   (it's a 17 pound stone...ugh)
Open              28'2"   (11lbs)
Light WD       59'3"
HH                 63'11"
Sheaf             22"

Oh, big sheaf that day...won't beat that one.  Notice Heavy WFD and WOB are missing....why? yes I threw Master's last year which is with the 21....will be throwing the 28 in Santa Fe this year.

These are good numbers, about what I am throwing now.....Not sure I'll actually be able to improve. I will try not to beat myself up about that. As for the heavies?  Yeah, I am shooting for high 30's and would be GREAT to finally get that 16' is a monkey on my back.  It's been there well over a year.

Part of that fear thing that I was talking about in the last blog.

Worked out Monday....

Just some hammer work...WFD foot work....then some back squats. This is insane, but I was so freaking happy to be under a bar.  It is so bizarre to me, I felt all sorts of better with a heavy (well, not all that heavy) bar on my back.  I went light.

3X5  95 135 185
3X3  185 205  205

The 205 felt so heavy, but that's ok....I was worn out, sore, and had been gone a week.....well, almost two weeks when you factor in the time for the trip to Pleasanton as well.

On another topic~I had some work done on my neck by Dan. 


I had an epiphany while on the table.  I was struggling....I was dealing with my heart racing a bit while I was on the table....and for whatever reason, I could not tolerate my face in the face cradle was freaking me out. Well, Dan....just goes with it.  He started at my feet.  Lots on my feet, my calves, my glutes.

He then gets into my right shoulder.  I was in pain....I felt pain....did I say it hurt?  I stayed with him.  I trust him...he stayed with me....

When he finished...he had not touched my neck.

He had not "worked on my neck." 

I said to Dan, "I am so used to having 'my neck pain' but I don't think this is about my neck.  I think other things go wrong and I assume it is my neck..."

He assured me, "the neck hurts....but starts somewhere else...and we only touched it today."

I am some how gonna come up with the cash and see him again next week...cause for the first time in months, as I sit here and type this silly blog...I am pain free....

Some how...I know this is tied to fear.

Did I mention? I am not in pain....

Monday, September 9, 2013

blah blah break today I get to go back to the gym....but of course it is a crazy busy day.  Gonna be a squat day so who am I to say no to that?

Vivi starts her acting class again her schedule in the gym is shifting too....I may have to start hitting noon classes again.

I did go throw yesterday.  Guess what happened?  I tweeked my back.

How you ask? Oh let me share the joys of being a mid-life-crisis-athlete.

I go out in the field to shag hammers before I throw...a doozie comes at me and I zig with my feet and zag with my upper body.

Yeah...hurt my back standing in the field.


It's fine today...just sore and yes I am still a little sore in my neck, but I get to have the Magic Hands of one Mr. Dan Piburn on me tomorrow.  Wheeeee!!!  I didn't really throw all that much, never even picked up a heavy hammer....but I threw a little...and didn't die.

I have a confession to make, I have done something really dumb this morning....

Team Challenge

I already have 3 games through November, but I have never done a team challenge...I am a curious sort...and I woke up this morning with this on my mind.  So I signed up.

Yeah, I know in my last blog I think I said I wasn't even gonna do the games I had already signed up for....

What is WRONG with me???

Ok 4 more games this year....I'd like to figure out my goals for each of these...I may just pull last years numbers, much like I did for Pleasanton....just see if I can beat myself from last year.  I am also only throwing Open Master's Class in these final games.  I had some sort of reason and I can't really remember if it was a decent reason or not....something about my final ranking in  NASGA.  I had this idea that I wanted to finish in the top 25 when the year was all finished.

Not sure it really matters any more...given both my health and emotional struggles at the moment. Hell, maybe it never really mattered...I mean, it was only an arbitrary number I gave to myself.

Got to do some more thinking about my training too...I mean, I came no where near the goals I had set for myself this year, yet I did make small gains within the structure of the heart troubles I had this year.  So maybe that ain't too shabby....

I think my biggest struggle with throwing and training is really fear....  couple of other things too....maybe it's time I deal with those fear issues before I start trying to train for Scotland.

Stupid head.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Bitch is tired.

Ok here is my further analysis of my experience at Pleasanton.

Bitch is tired.

I haven't even pulled or LOOKED at photos on my camera.

I haven't cleaned out my games bag.

I realized something really cool though.....I left it all on the field.  I am spent.  So my big decision for the week?  Not hitting the gym.

Yup, I have dragged this kitty out again...I shall be resting and repairing until Sunday when I will hopefully be in a better place physically to throw.  Then the gym will be mine. 


I also need to dial in my food....I have been a mess when it comes to what I put in my mouth (stop giggling).  Today started with a bang, until I bought a piece of cheese cake.  I feel especially chubby...oh well.

Got this from a dear friend~

I will be....nope.... I am.....

Now, back to the couch, and the foam roller, and the lacrosse balls, and real food....yeah...

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

More later.....

I am overwhelmed today.  I am not sure I have ever been this sore post games.  I clearly need to take a look at what I am doing post games and adjust it.  I am not young and this weekend served as an amazing reminder.

BUT..I at least promised the numbers, right?

Well...I did not do what I had hoped....I did not improve every throw.

The worst thing~the throw I didn't improve?  Fucking stone...I have been drilling that hard in the gym....sigh.

Ok  as a reminder:

Last year:
Braemer  23'2" (they have HUGE stones)
Open       25'4"
HWFD    29'3"
LWFD    55'4"
HH         56'10.5"
LH          75'5.75"
WOB      15'  (of course)

This year:
Braemer  22'2" Really? A FOOT drop?
Open       26'6"  Whee  Really? a foot?  :)
HWFD    45'9"  Yeah don't get too excited, it's with the 21....still I think its a PR
LWFD    61'10" Not bad, not a PR, but happy when it's over 60.
HH         64'  Not bad improvement from last year (not a PR)
LH          85'6"  On my first throw and the first throw of the day!
WOB      19'2"  Hit the bar at 20....but there was an issue...more on that snafu later...(21)

AND caber....holy moly....on day 2 the challenge caber was light but crazy long, I was the only master to turn it...ugly, but I turned it. The championship caber? yikes 85ish pounds like 17 feet?  something stupid.  Our judge says to me," you qualified to try, you sure you want to?" hmmmm no...I said ok, "once."  Well...I picked it...dropped it....he said, "come on, one more?"  SO I did...Picked it off my shoulder....maybe 25 or 30 degrees.....I acted like I got a 12.  I didn't care I tossed it!
Tried again, but picked and dropped,  But hell, I hung in there with the young women.  Thing that helped me the most?  Adriene yelling at me from the side telling me I can do it.  Love her...really do.

Here it is~sideways...but I don't know how to change this sort of thing...

Challenge caber

I might write again later today or tomorrow...but I have 2 auditions tomorrow and this old woman has lines to learn.

I really understand why some people consider this the end of the season.  I am worn out, spent, tired, sore.

Not sure I wanna throw again this year.

Over all....such a thrill to be asked to throw in these games.....they have a new trophy for the Master's Women, so we were part of the closing ceremony.  WOW....yeah that horse track was FULL~the Mass band thing was...AMAZING.  Think if I get asked back, I'll always stay for that. 

On a personal note, I was missing my dad this weekend.....odd.