Not sure what number lesson this is from the gym.
623?
Major lesson number from IronSoul?
57?
Y'all know I started this fitness..thing....in 2010...so 9 years ago, at the gentle nudging of my friend Rod..and yes...it was CrossFit first. For probably 3 years I did CrossFit. Then I stayed at a CrossFit gym, even though I did my own thing in the corner...there were a few years there that I went back and forth.
AnyHooooo, what's this got to do with lesson #57 from IronSoul?
SLOW.
I don't know how to go slow.
CrossFit is pretty much always against a clock... and the other issue with me is...lunch.
I love me some lunch, sorry, I digress....I have, for many years, worked out during my lunch hour. Which really means, 45 minutes to train. 45 minutes...
That's not really enough time to train, to workout, yes...but...well, I have done what I could.
Which brings me to IronSoul....and the people I see there.
They are slow, in the very best way possible.....time, technique, specific, clean. I am finding myself continuing to speed through workouts. I had 5x5 bench yesterday and I was whipping through them...then I looked around and thought....slow....
Slow lifts, slow descents mean more control, mean less panic to complete the lift, mean better damn form.
I have had people spotting me say that, oh that looked easy, and I suspect it's because I am speeding through....Perhaps when I slow down...I can lift more.
I can leave the speed for the field...not the weight room.
Trees
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Friday, February 15, 2019
Forgiveness
I've been a little pulled back these days. I don't like the word silent, because that doesn't quite hit the meaning. I'm not struggling with depression tugging at me, but perhaps I have been lost in my own thoughts a bit.
Some of this has been triggered by a book I read. Accidental Saints by Nadia Bolz-Weber. It is a slim little thing, an "easy" read, but not really. For any of you who were raised in a religious household as a child and saw the hypocrisy of either your church or the people who claim faith, this is a good one.
I remember when I was very young, not understanding why people hated Judas. Why was this man, who was supposedly furthering along the very thing that needed to happen, why was he burning? Didn't god need him to do this? Wasn't he also sacrificing? I remember in Catechism being the kid who frustrated the shit out of the middle aged ladies that were tasked with prepping us for whatever useless role the church had ready for us. And I am pretty sure the youth pastor and the priest didn't like me much either. I finally did what was expected and shut my mouth and spit out the rote crap churches love so much.
Yeah...got me confirmed.... whatever the hell that ever really meant, no one could clearly explain either....anyway I digress....
Back to Judas.
Back to this book. She speaks of Judas...but in a way that I have never heard. Judas, just like Peter, did something that later....they regretted...(I know I am simplifying here). Peter...asked for forgiveness....Judas' mistake wasn't really that he betrayed Jesus it was that he failed to ask for forgiveness.
That was the point of "the Christ", right? Forgiveness.....
He would have been forgiven, if he only asked.
That is the point of the Judas story. Not how we are punished for our mistakes, our faults, our transgressions. Not that we have to always behave in a certain way, or conform to a way of life...we are to learn from Judas that forgiveness is always ours...if we only ask.
Nadia Bolz-Webber also proposes this idea (as I understand it) that this is the gift, that the forgiveness we seek resides in one another. It is not outside of ourselves...we create "church" or community and it is that connection we turn to. The divine in one another, the "Christ" if you will, is where the gift resides.
This is making me look hard at me....at the lingering anger I have about events in my past. Both years past and more recent. Why can't I let go? Why am I letting myself burn so to speak?
Ah.
Forgiveness.....have I asked for it? Have I given it?
So I asked. I told someone things I have not shared with anyone. I asked if I could be forgiven. Then I thought about some of the things I dealt with in the last 10 years, the violation, the violence.
I choose to forgive.
Apologies are not necessarily needed, I mean I know I will never ever receive one, yet I can forgive....so...I can be forgiven as well. We can use the story of Judas as a way to learn, not terrify...We need only ask. I know there maybe some one who reads this who will come at me for this reading of the story. That's fine. I am no biblical scholar...But I know from a young age I felt this sense of frustration about the sacrifice that needed to happen, yet everyone vilified the man who pushed it forward. I prefer this interpretation of the story of Judas and Peter. Judas only needed to ask...we all need to just ask.
Anyhoo.....this is where my mind has been for a while....I will get back to writing about workouts and I will get back to posting silly things at some point, like this guy:
but right now....this is where I am.
Thanks.
Some of this has been triggered by a book I read. Accidental Saints by Nadia Bolz-Weber. It is a slim little thing, an "easy" read, but not really. For any of you who were raised in a religious household as a child and saw the hypocrisy of either your church or the people who claim faith, this is a good one.
I remember when I was very young, not understanding why people hated Judas. Why was this man, who was supposedly furthering along the very thing that needed to happen, why was he burning? Didn't god need him to do this? Wasn't he also sacrificing? I remember in Catechism being the kid who frustrated the shit out of the middle aged ladies that were tasked with prepping us for whatever useless role the church had ready for us. And I am pretty sure the youth pastor and the priest didn't like me much either. I finally did what was expected and shut my mouth and spit out the rote crap churches love so much.
Yeah...got me confirmed.... whatever the hell that ever really meant, no one could clearly explain either....anyway I digress....
Back to Judas.
Back to this book. She speaks of Judas...but in a way that I have never heard. Judas, just like Peter, did something that later....they regretted...(I know I am simplifying here). Peter...asked for forgiveness....Judas' mistake wasn't really that he betrayed Jesus it was that he failed to ask for forgiveness.
That was the point of "the Christ", right? Forgiveness.....
He would have been forgiven, if he only asked.
That is the point of the Judas story. Not how we are punished for our mistakes, our faults, our transgressions. Not that we have to always behave in a certain way, or conform to a way of life...we are to learn from Judas that forgiveness is always ours...if we only ask.
Nadia Bolz-Webber also proposes this idea (as I understand it) that this is the gift, that the forgiveness we seek resides in one another. It is not outside of ourselves...we create "church" or community and it is that connection we turn to. The divine in one another, the "Christ" if you will, is where the gift resides.
This is making me look hard at me....at the lingering anger I have about events in my past. Both years past and more recent. Why can't I let go? Why am I letting myself burn so to speak?
Ah.
Forgiveness.....have I asked for it? Have I given it?
So I asked. I told someone things I have not shared with anyone. I asked if I could be forgiven. Then I thought about some of the things I dealt with in the last 10 years, the violation, the violence.
I choose to forgive.
Apologies are not necessarily needed, I mean I know I will never ever receive one, yet I can forgive....so...I can be forgiven as well. We can use the story of Judas as a way to learn, not terrify...We need only ask. I know there maybe some one who reads this who will come at me for this reading of the story. That's fine. I am no biblical scholar...But I know from a young age I felt this sense of frustration about the sacrifice that needed to happen, yet everyone vilified the man who pushed it forward. I prefer this interpretation of the story of Judas and Peter. Judas only needed to ask...we all need to just ask.
Anyhoo.....this is where my mind has been for a while....I will get back to writing about workouts and I will get back to posting silly things at some point, like this guy:
but right now....this is where I am.
Thanks.
Thursday, February 7, 2019
Spotting
Having started working out in CrossFit gyms, I never really needed a spotter. On back squats, if you failed, you just dumped it behind you. Rubber plates. And at the first gym, there was NO bench pressing....After I moved to Praxis....I learned to bench and learned I needed a spotter.
But I am learning about the art of spotting more and more as I lift at IronSoul. Ya can't really drop a bar full of iron like you can a bar full of....you know. I know I have written about this a little, but I find it cool how much more I will attempt at a bench or a squat when some one is there...ready in case I fail.
Even though I know I need help, especially on my bench, I am still super tentative at the gym. I kinda look like this guy when I have loaded a bar and I just sorta stand there...
"You need a spot?"
Yeah, what gave me away? My pleading eyes, that look of....jesus, where am I and where are my people?
I still feel dumb for needing a spot sometimes...especially when they say, "Well, that was easy..." No, no....bench is never easy. Seriously, I still worry about anything over 100....although, I am getting more confident. I also go up in tiny increments...so....sigh.
I'll get over it the more time I spend there and with James on this programing.
The spotting thing though made me think about other ways we spot one another...How my issues asking for help in other areas of my life are reflected in my difficulty in asking for a spot.
I look around and know over these last few years, I have had a ton of spotters who showed up to spot even when I was just staring into those bright headlights.
And I hope you know if you are needing a spot, that I'm keeping my eye out for you too.
Monday, February 4, 2019
Some rambling.
I keep telling myself I will write more often and then life keeps pushing on. Then I get to a day like today and I have like 15 things I want to talk about, so it all comes out in a jumbled mess. Single gooey messy sentences.
Training: I've been training.
Ok kidding. Well I HAVE been. Last week was rough. I have gotten a bunch of sorta bad news about my health and I am trying to sort through how to deal with it all...tackle it.
Then I go for a follow up with the doc today and she's not even that worried about the things I was worried about, she's concerned that I have reduced kidney function.
Great add that to the list.
I am still waiting on an MRI for my neck...talk about an insurance company/health care crap show.
Here is a tip if you live in Santa Fe, go to ABQ for an MRI...they are about 1500 dollars cheaper down there....
I have been lonely and frustrated in the gym. I know, I am a HUGE baby....waaaaa..... Monday was terrible last week....I walked in cranky (about the MRI and the cracked damn tooth) and I walked out cranky with myself because I did stupid shit. I made these big dumb jumps in weight and then was shocked, I say shocked I couldn't handle it.
😆
My pity party game was strong that day.
I have thrown the 28 a couple of times since I wrote last. It isn't nearly as bad as I had feared. I mean, it doesn't go very far...like 32 feet for the WFD and I think I cleared 13 on the WOB yesterday...but I didn't feel like death after.
I am still gaining weight too..it's...annoying. But, I also have put an inch on my bicep measurement....so....I don't know. I had this thought after all these tests and problems that I suddenly feel like I have been focusing on the wrong things.
I don't know when in this journey since 2010 that I decided I would focus on "strong" and I let go of CrossFit. Not that I could or want to go back to CrossFit...but there is or was this singular focus on strong. I mean, even when I was hardly working out...I could still act like I was doing SOMETHING. Yes, it was always one of my "strong points" when I started working out, but.....I dunno. I am just bummed about my blood work and my neck and....yeah. (I warned you I was about to ramble, read at your own risk) Maybe though, I should have focused just on all my numbers...my health....being at a healthier weight...Maybe this whole drive to try to be an athlete after 40+ years on the couch sent me down a funky path.....Blah Blah, and boo-hoo...
Well, what's the take away here... got me...you got any ideas, cause I am freaking out of them. My doc is taking a wait and see thing....I have to "push water" this month, and try some herbal crap and we will retest my kidneys in a month, my other blood work in 3 - 6 months. Although she did say, given my family trait of high cholesterol, not much will help; she just wants to see if we can boost the good stuff.
I had wanted to pull some of the irons out of my fire, but I am not really doing it...I seem to be adding to my lists.
There is something I am both terrified and almost excited about though..that writing project I have told you about is taking a tentative step forward. At the behest of a friend...I am being forced (kidding) into having a reading. Sorta as way to see what we have, if this is something to keep working on, or if it was a good thing to do just for me. I am so grateful for the work I have done with Rod...and I look forward to working on prepping this for the reading at the end of the month too. Not sure what we will do to prep, but I can't believe I have writing anything in the first place, much less showing it to Rod, much less working on it, or reading to for a small group....(seriously 5-6 people).
Ok, there weren't 15 things to chat about, but it did ramble nicely.....
Training: I've been training.
Ok kidding. Well I HAVE been. Last week was rough. I have gotten a bunch of sorta bad news about my health and I am trying to sort through how to deal with it all...tackle it.
Then I go for a follow up with the doc today and she's not even that worried about the things I was worried about, she's concerned that I have reduced kidney function.
Great add that to the list.
I am still waiting on an MRI for my neck...talk about an insurance company/health care crap show.
Here is a tip if you live in Santa Fe, go to ABQ for an MRI...they are about 1500 dollars cheaper down there....
I have been lonely and frustrated in the gym. I know, I am a HUGE baby....waaaaa..... Monday was terrible last week....I walked in cranky (about the MRI and the cracked damn tooth) and I walked out cranky with myself because I did stupid shit. I made these big dumb jumps in weight and then was shocked, I say shocked I couldn't handle it.
😆
My pity party game was strong that day.
I have thrown the 28 a couple of times since I wrote last. It isn't nearly as bad as I had feared. I mean, it doesn't go very far...like 32 feet for the WFD and I think I cleared 13 on the WOB yesterday...but I didn't feel like death after.
I am still gaining weight too..it's...annoying. But, I also have put an inch on my bicep measurement....so....I don't know. I had this thought after all these tests and problems that I suddenly feel like I have been focusing on the wrong things.
I don't know when in this journey since 2010 that I decided I would focus on "strong" and I let go of CrossFit. Not that I could or want to go back to CrossFit...but there is or was this singular focus on strong. I mean, even when I was hardly working out...I could still act like I was doing SOMETHING. Yes, it was always one of my "strong points" when I started working out, but.....I dunno. I am just bummed about my blood work and my neck and....yeah. (I warned you I was about to ramble, read at your own risk) Maybe though, I should have focused just on all my numbers...my health....being at a healthier weight...Maybe this whole drive to try to be an athlete after 40+ years on the couch sent me down a funky path.....Blah Blah, and boo-hoo...
Well, what's the take away here... got me...you got any ideas, cause I am freaking out of them. My doc is taking a wait and see thing....I have to "push water" this month, and try some herbal crap and we will retest my kidneys in a month, my other blood work in 3 - 6 months. Although she did say, given my family trait of high cholesterol, not much will help; she just wants to see if we can boost the good stuff.
I had wanted to pull some of the irons out of my fire, but I am not really doing it...I seem to be adding to my lists.
There is something I am both terrified and almost excited about though..that writing project I have told you about is taking a tentative step forward. At the behest of a friend...I am being forced (kidding) into having a reading. Sorta as way to see what we have, if this is something to keep working on, or if it was a good thing to do just for me. I am so grateful for the work I have done with Rod...and I look forward to working on prepping this for the reading at the end of the month too. Not sure what we will do to prep, but I can't believe I have writing anything in the first place, much less showing it to Rod, much less working on it, or reading to for a small group....(seriously 5-6 people).
Ok, there weren't 15 things to chat about, but it did ramble nicely.....
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