That's one way not to be whole...

 Oh my, what a month this old girl has had.

Started out having to cancel the last game with a nasty knee....Had to cancel a Sisterhood workshop...had Covid in the house....Emery had some medical work done....saw some shows....took some time off work....been spending a shit ton of money on PT and massages and stuff...and oh the knee....pretty much haven't been to the gym.... The knee is frustrating.

 

This has been, not just a lot of stuff going on, but honestly; this has been a really hard month for me. You know in my brain space.

After practice yesterday (which was a mixed bag) I found myself in, well, a pretty rapidly declining dissociative state...or as I imagine it more often...I was rapidly compartmentalizing....shoving everything in little boxes in my brain in the hope of shutting down some of the pain.  Yea...yea...that's what I do. 

It really is a decent survival tool, Hell not only survival, but honestly a life skill.  I mean...we all have to pack things away til we can deal with them sometimes.  It's why we behave differently with different people or at work or whatever.  

But, sometimes the little compartments are not very...helpful... sometime I break myself down into such small pieces that honestly I don't know who the fuck I am anymore.  

I also know that these little places I shove myself into often make me come off as cold or whatever...and the longer I stay in situations that I know are not good for me, the colder and more distant I get.  Sadly, I have been like this...well always...which has contributed to me, even though it's a good survival skill, keeping me in harmful relationships for far too long....Like FAR too long.

I also don't often speak up or speak out because I am busy constructing another little compartment to shove part of myself into.

Anyhoooo, something happened yesterday that send me shooting deep into myself...and as we were driving home Grant asked me what was going on....I said nothing....I mean like shhhhh I'm busy creating tiny new shitty boxes to shove something down....and he just says, "you are really pulled back."

He has said this to me before.

Sometimes I will just say I know, I'm just thinking....or I will reassure him that it isn't "him." but that didn't happen yesterday.

I fucking lost it.

You know it's like if you squeeze a container with the lid closed....well....the pressure is gonna make something happen...

So, I erupted like a tube of toothpaste....glopping everywhere...in the moment it was scary, then it felt good...it felt good to let myself feel....really feel what I was feeling. Unfortunately, I shoved the hammer and boards and nail in my brain so fast to shut that shit down, to box it up.  I wish I could have sat with that much longer.  With my anger, with my fear, with my heartache....really let it move through me and not just into another box in my psyche.

But....I have always done this...it feels all to comfortable and even though it is a ton of work...it is also the "easy" choice?

I left myself feeling super shut down yesterday, but I did think of sharing this, so maybe that is something...then I had this thought.

If I have compartmentalized so much, so strictly for so long, then, who am I? 

Who am I?

And....Can I at least expand some of these compartments, would that make me feel more whole? Is it worth that work....it's not scrooge here...this is 50 years of being this way...this isn't a ghosts are gonna visit and everything is gonna change thing....

For some reason, I suddenly feel like there is more risk in building more boxes...the shutting down is beginning to feel, deadly.

Anyway, here is a pretty cabinet...I'm sure my brain isn't this lovely.

Moving.

So...it has been a long weird "season" for me.  I was supposed to be in Tucson this weekend, but my knee was telling me otherwise and now, well.....Grant is super sick.  Yup after more than 2.5 years he finally got covid; so we would have had to cancel anyway.  Emery and I don't seem to have it, but we are all being careful in the house.  (Emery and I have also kept up with certain measures that help with not contracting it or making symptoms milder....so...yea)

ANYHOO......I started the off season last year needing a break...I ended up taking a break from the gym and trying yoga for a month. Which has, well, turned into a year.  And....it has been pretty much every dang day.  Recently I have started to do some days on my own without the videos. This month though the month's focus is "meditation" so...I think I kinda need that.

I also eventually changed gyms and changed trainers too. I am really looking forward to what this next year will bring from these folks at Elevate.  I worried for too long that I was not right for that place or that I was being judged for being, well....me....chubby~old~odd?  But I've let that go.

One of the trainers at Elevate came up to me recently and said that during a meeting or something they had talked about me and how I laugh in the gym. I immediately apologized and he said..."no...no...it's great...you are having fun."  And I am...I mostly laugh at myself when I am clumsy or when I try something new and can actually DO IT.

I also gained some weight this year....kinda a lot....and I sometimes struggle letting that simply be.  I knew trying to heal from years of eating disorders might have that effect, I was warned.  Ha.... and I must confess....I had a slip...I tried "just doing a sort of diet" a "this isn't a diet" diet...and boy oh boy...how quickly I slid right back into the disordered thinking..compulsive counting, weighing food, and weighing myself twice a day....didn't take much to trigger that shit. So, I am trying to refocus and let go and LISTEN...to my body.  

I read something from a dietitian who works with people actively healing from this crap and she warned that someone like me may never be able to focus on what she calls "intentional" weight loss...As soon as you count a little and see a little loss, then you restrict more and more to keep that going until...well you are right back on that roller coaster.  Which from my little experiment this year....yeah...that rings true for me.

One of the other things that shifted for me was goal setting...I realized how negatively I was talking to myself about my throwing because I am older and heavier.  I had a shift in Norway.  Being around all those amazing athletes...and really taking it in that I actually belonged there; I started to find joy...real joy in moving again.  Not as punishment for being fat...or punishment for eating too much.....or to balance out the "see I am a good fat cause I work out" horror show of self hatred.

And you know....I have thrown better than I have in YEARS once I started to let some of that shit thinking slide off my back. Mid year I set goals...and you know I got 4 of the 8 I set.  

I think that is pretty cool.

So, I have 8 more goals for 2023....and I'll be even older, but why can't I?  Even if I can get 1...I think that would be pretty cool.  

And as for the moving with joy piece...these are from Wichita... which turned out to be my last game and not a great throwing day for me over all. I was out in the field goofing off and had no idea Larry Ventress was capturing this....what is this?

Oh right: Joy.

Pure fucking ridiculous joy that I can move.

 Do I still struggle when I look at these and think, "oh I don't look like an athlete...oh my gosh I am fat," yea...It is there a little....but I also remember how hard Laura and I were laughing and in that top photo...you can see that Grant was looking on and laughing too...and no one admonished me or pulled me aside to say "tone it down."  That voice, that judgement only comes from inside the house later...if you catch my drift.

Well, there may be some folks that saw this silliness in the field and were like...ugh....but as Dr Seuss said:

 

 

Or...move how you feel.... 😏

On to  my off season goals: healing the knee and my self talk.

See ya on the field in Phoenix!

Lunch with Mom

 

Had lunch with my mom and Emery and my sister a bit ago.  She's 90 and still lives on her own. She no longer drives...but maintains a beautiful garden.

But, she's getting....fuzzy around the edges.  Almost like she is testing "the other side."  As we met for lunch, she was super sharp....and this time I saw this just kind of slowing as we ate.  

Then it came time for desert...and my sister ordered mom a "death by lemon." I just watched as she shifted to a little girl.  I watched her just get super excited and say things like, "is this for me?'  "Oh my gosh, this is all for me?"  "Can I have a taste of it now?"

It was sweet....and it was a glimpse into who she may have been before she suffered some of the things she suffered.  I came to terms a long time ago and have chosen to believe she did the best she could as a parent given what she went through.  We are LONG past the time of feeling like any kind of conversation or 'closure" could ever happen.  But even so, I still hold certain boundaries and always will.  Not that I haven't moved on or forgiven or whatever....I just hold that piece of myself that I could have been "before things happened to me" away and safe.

I am guessing someone will read this and think me selfish or cruel. For the sake of both of the little girls in my mother and myself who were not given much chance to be little or safe...I guess they are held separate. 

It was lovely to see in her, really.  Perhaps the gift of that lunch was seeing that she is getting to be that safe and protected spirit now, that it somehow survived.  And if it survived in her, maybe there is a little left for all of us who had it ripped away too young.

Confession time.

I have been thinking about writing this since...well last freaking christmas eve...seriously...no reason that I haven't yet...I just haven't.

So that night I found myself sitting alone on the couch watching one of my favorite christmas movies...and well, both Emery and Grant get sick of my christmas movie watching habits by this time of year.  As I remember it, I was watching Scrooged...seriously...one of the best movies out there and as per my usual...I was crying.  I know it's a funny one...but these were not the laugh so hard til you cry tears...they were real weepy tears.  If you know the movie...it's when the little boy speaks at the end.  

Yea, I cry big sloppy tears that I try to hide every time.  

Well being alone..I just let myself cry.  

Then I had this thought...I actually still believe in Santa.

Yup.

That's why I love these movies so much.
 

Now to be transparent, I don't watch just any christmas movie....no hallmark crap for me....

Lots of funny stuff.  But yea...I believe.  I know that for the most part, it is moms that make the magic of the season happen.  And yes....I loved when the kids were little and the fun things we'd leave out...the carrots for the reindeer...the boot prints left in the snow...and my favorite was when Kegan "figured it out," letting him know that Santa is in a way real and it was now part of his job as a big brother to keep that magic going.

So...why though...

There is a christmas movie that isn't really a chirstmas movie...Rise of the Guardians...that I think explains why for me....and yes, I cry at this moment too.

Santa is trying to get Jack Frost to understand that he needs to know himself...his center...to know why he is a guardian...and Santa shows Jack that his is "wonder."  There it is.

I believe in Santa still because I still have wonder...and magic...I fucking love the magic, the wonder, and the love of it all.

So this November as I start watching my list of movies I watch every year...I think I will just let myself cry without hiding any of it.  I think I finally don't give a shit who sees that I still have wonder, magic, and love as my core.

look around....

 These are thoughts that are a little late in being put down into anything that may be comprehensible...

Just as a warning....it's likely to be compete word salad.  Well, I won't use the word "bigly" so you'll be spared THAT level of salad....

Anywhooooo, way back in June, before the Rio Grande games, there was a small group of us gathered on our back porch the evening before the games...and we were chatting about training, training as we age, goals, body image struggles that STILL haunt us as we slide WAY past middle age...and I mentioned something about not being strong...

Sarah, laughed at me...I laughed at myself and we (maybe me) realized that some of this comes from who we see...who we are around.  I was reminded of what my friend Chris said to Grace once after some dude came up to her asking about training or some such thing...and ( forgive me for the murder of the story ) when he left, Chris said something to Grace like why would he ask me....I'm just a normal sized old lady...or NSOL for those in the know.

I am around all these amazingly strong women doing amazingly strong things and I am still in a place that I look at my body's outward expression and judge myself extremely harshly for not looking a certain way...this certain muscly way...and I actively discount my strength. I am also still working on healing some old old shit in regard to disordered eating...and frankly, most of us were trained in the horrid art of comparison...

I often forget that the people I know are about as far from "typical" middle aged women as you can get...and I often fucking forget that I am in my mid 50's....comparing myself to women much younger or even comparing myself to my 40 year old self; which is frankly...useless...

It is great to have these sort of moments to learn from...to have these women in my life....to move forward and take i;  in a deeper way, that yet again, it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing..it is about what I am doing, or since you are reading this..what YOU are doing....right now...not 10 or 20 years ago, but right now. To remind myself that I didn't enjoy exercise at all until, oh, 10-12 years ago.

Remembering too, something a coach told me early early on..."be grateful you can move Mona." 

Given some of my physical issues, I know that at some point I may not be able to do...well...lots down the road.  

So, I'll just bumble along, part of the NSOL club....working on healing my relationship with food, with my body, with injuries, with insecurities; all the while reminding myself I am not anyone else and I am not alone...

 Normal Sized Old Ladies indeed....Love you guys.

 

Crazy Click in my head

 So....I have been feeling really weird lately.  I have let the blog fall off again which is a shame, because I just got to do some cool shit this summer...

Um Norway and Poland....

Anyway.  Back to the click in my head.  As you know I am surrounded by lots of amazing athletes and yeah yeah, I still struggle with that label for myself, but who needs labels anyway.  Ok, back to the point...I was in the gym a while back, doing rack pulls. My coach had me doing them for a few months and I had a funny thing happen as I was working on them.  I kept hearing a voice...(ah ya loud bastard voice) keep saying,

 

V:  yea, whatever they are just rack pulls, not a real lift.

Me: it's still work.

V: yea, whatever, you should lift more.

Me: I am lifting a lot.

V: Yea, whatever, you are only lifting a lot 'cause you are FAT.

 

Ok....why am I doing this to myself...I know some of it is being surrounded by lots of amazing athletes...and the fact that I am seeing lots of people I know again jump back into the lovely world of crazy diet culture that I am still trying to work my way through...Making this clear...MY ISSUE....not anyone else...people feel they need to eat 500 calories a day is not my issue, truly...but because of 50 years of diets and yo yo crap...I see it and still go to the "oh I should do that for a while" thing.

Again, let me make this clear...that is MY PROBLEM...you wanna do 500 calories a day that's is your choice.

Anyway....back to the point....what was the fucking click in my head...back to the rack pulls...

 

After the "voice" says you are only lifting a lot 'cause you are FAT...I finished a set at 420...and I sat on the ground near the bar and a different, quiet voice says,

 

v: yea, you are fat...but Mona, fat doesn't lift this weight....being fat does not erase your strength....being fat isn't the reason you can lift heavy or throw far....please stop telling yourself that.

 

Oh.

 

Training, power, strength, speed.....that's what moves the weights...

 

Yea, I am fat....stop trying to erase me.   (ME)

Thanks for listening to my rambles....my attempt at healing....

Class & Performance and what the heck comes now?

 Well....I have a game this weekend in Oklahoma...and that is dumb.

Mona...why dumb you ask....well, did I think about how much time I could really spend "training" while focusing on an acting class that culminated in a performance. 

No...no I failed to think that shit through.  

Now throw in the fires and the wind and I have not touched an implement in, oh 3 weeks...yea, the back yard is seriously sand and I had no intention to throw in the wind with that shit....nor am I willing to throw in the wind and the smoke either....

I know, there was no way to predict THAT shitty development.....but the acting shit....I should have thought that through.

Oh well, just like for worlds, I am choosing a focus for this game...for worlds it was "focus on form" for this game... it's gonna be.....

"accept where you are"

Probably something I should be doing all the damn time, ammiright?

As for the class and the performances....holy shitzzzz.  What did I learn?

Well, bottom line.  I am an actor.  Really.

I know you are thinking...yea, you keep doing this why wouldn't you be?  But the last few....I don't know how long....I don't feel that way.  I mean, I had not been in a play since 2017....and I cannot get cast with all this remote stuff....NOT AT ALL.  So yea.

But I had a moment in class when Scott and I were working that we wrapped up and I had the thought..."this is what I am supposed to be doing....this is the gift I was given."

Weird to hear that little voice actually be a positive thought..😁  

So why have I always been driven to keep doing the work, yet never thought I was enough in the work...Short list here:

1. In college I was told once, "you might be good enough to get cast in a soap opera as the secondary bitch."  I let that stick to me.

2. Grad school there were many, but the two that I let stick were...I was encouraged to go to the MA program instead of the MFA program because...hmmmm reasons...(they did not believe in me) and the other was in front of the entire MFA program of actors, another actor finished her scene and I was singled out for this little comment, " See Mona, that's it right there, that's what you don't have.  She will be on stage at the Goodman and you would be lucky to sweep the stage at the Goodman."  Holy shizzz WHY DID I STAY?

3. I was with someone for a very long time who would see a show I was in and rank it on a scale on 1-10....no discussion...and I never got more than a 5...and I believed him.  Then as his work shifted in to the "business" I was reminded constantly that I was not "film" worthy.  I let those stick too...

Therapy has been amazing lately.....It really has been.

So, accept where I am...and....keep moving....keep moving forward.

What comes next?  I dunno....perhaps the simple task of working toward my potential....fully reaching toward my potential, both as an artist and an athlete...just trust and work to see what comes, to see what I can do and what I can give.

Binge shows

 So, I love my British competition binge shows.  You know, the Great British Baking show and now the great Pottery show or whatever it is called.  

A while back on Netflix, we started watching a non competition show...British and bingey yes, but not a competition.

 If you haven't seen it, it is a "shop" with all sorts of people with super specialized skills.

I have learned some cool things and I really love watching all these folks working on all these broken and worn out treasures.  There is a clock specialist, stuffed animal specialists, ceramics, a woman who restores paintings....all kinds of things.

The Repair Shop

 

There are some amazing things that are brought into this place. If you haven't watched and like any sort of arty crafty shit...I highly recommend it.

The last time we watched an episode, there was a cool gravity clock they they were fixing. At the end of the episode the owner comes in and brings his granddaughter with him.  The clock will be hers when he is gone.  She is all of maybe 10 or 11 years old and just has this super clear understanding of why it is so important, why it isn't a throw away.  There was also a belt that a young man brought in that I think had been a great grandparent's whom he had never met. Again...the care and concern for the history, for the why was forefront in this young man's mind.

Now, I get it, it isn't lost on me that these folks come from places of privilege...Their families HAD things to pass on...they have the money to both keep them and have them fixed. That being said, I found myself extraordinarily sad after the last episode I watched.  Being a second generation immigrant who had a grandmother who literally would be called an "illegal" by today's standards (she was rejected for unknown to me reasons and snuck into the country)...I have nothing of anyone's to hand down. I also realize that is happening right now for families all over the world as well, but it just so happened to hit me while watching this show.  I have nothing to pass down or share with the kids...throw in the fact that I never met any of my grandparents and yea...I felt sad and yes, I probably teared up.  I don't even really have stories because these were the days of when you asked where we were "from" we got a lecture about how it "doesn't matter."  It also meant that the one great auntie who was known for her fantastic pirogi...well she chose to take that shit to the grave.

What's my point here....I have no idea.  I guess I just wanted to share.

Story time...

 Story/confession time.

Back in December, I had my first one on one training session with the new coach.  Not the freebie ~sample ~come the first time and see what you want session, but my first one on one.  Well, honestly, it may have been the second one, regardless....it was super new. I was brand new to this coach...

So, I do remember it was a Saturday, 7am.  Early for a weekend, so there were very few people in the gym...well, I get my fat ass on the ground and start the warm up...I have one of those classic moments...we have all had them, where I am on the ground, on my back and I thrust my legs up and out to get myself to a seated position.  Well, be honest, we all know what can happen in this moment right?

Pfffft....

Oh Lordy....I fart and not quietly.

Yup...ok, what to do...the music isn't loud enough to have covered it, there are not enough people in the gym for it to have possibly been anyone else, it was definitely loud enough for him to hear. 

Do I crack a joke? Do I ignore it? Do I leave immediately?

He says nothing...I say nothing. 

 

Ok then.  I stay and pretend nothing happened.

Then we move on to box squats. 

First warm up squat...on the box, my ass hits the box.  Oh god no...it happens again....I kinda look at him sideways but there is no change on his face...he is keeping it straight.  I think, well, maybe the sound of me hitting the box hid my shame...

We keep working and keep loading the bar...and it never stops.  I am clenching so god damn hard and yet...EVERY...SINGLE....SQUAT....

Pop  Pop  Pop.

I am not kidding.

EVERY SINGLE SQUAT.

New coach, young guy too~fat old lady, just over here squatting and cutting the cheese...

How in god's name does he keep a straight face, how does he not just say, " look I think this isn't a good fit," how did I ever walk back in that gym?

I still wonder if when he sees me walk in the gym, he thinks, "here comes the tooting queen."

 

Sigh....that's my story for today....happy squatting. And here's to all those coaches who just ignore the things we can't control and are will to just keep working on helping me get stronger and quicker and less gassy maybe too. Kidding....that'll never happen....I love broccoli too much.

oh no, it's April!

 Well,  

I had a long list of things I was going to write about.  And, well...hahahaha.  It didn't happen.

Work has been weird....I have been weird.....Other shit has been weird.

Ok so I AM still doing yoga.  Yea....every day.  Started throwing in the afternoons....well.....not last week or this week.  Why?  Ha...we have a fully sand back yard where I throw and the wind.  Yea, if you have lived in NM for more than a minute you know. April is hurricane/dust season.

Anywhoooo  I have also been focused on adding food.  Adding lots of food.....making sure I am getting a bunch of fruits and veggies and stuff.

No...I am not going on one more freaking diet....I am just adding some veggies.  

I have been super consistent at the new gym too and, as I said, with the yoga. Grant has heard me bitch or and over again about feeling like nothing is changing....like why don't I look....like...whatever....

I had an AHA moment in my car after the gym today.  

It doesn't fucking matter....that line of thinking is STILL steeped in bullshit diet culture. 

I realized in my car today, sore and HAPPY after 4x4 @ 300 deads and 4x5 @ 105 Bench Press and 4x4 @115 Front Squats...as well as a bunch of other stuff....that I was happy...why? Because I like moving this way...

It doesn't have to change me or "fix" me or make me look a certain way...

I can just fucking enjoy moving this way...and hopefully it will help me throw a little better.....which I also have seemed to forget also MAKES ME FUCKING HAPPY.....

Yea...I joke I am the "fat kid" at the gym...which I am...but no one seems to freaking care but me.(or if they do, who cares)

More fucking diet culture healing for your mastodon yoga~thrower friend...

More healing.

Yoga

 So...Yoga.....I've been doing this little experiment because I needed something different... so what am I up to now you ask? Do you still hate it, you ask?  Hmm. 

No, I don't hate it. I still hate myself sometimes as I am doing it....I sometimes pretend to hate the free YouTube instructor I follow...but no I don't hate it.

I am pretty sure I would still hate the in person classes though...ha.  

Well, what did I want from this and did I "get" it?  

I am not sure, I just wanted something different, maybe some flexibility, maybe some peace?

Did I "get" those things on this the 84th day of doing yoga?  The answer is a resounding..."eh....I don't know."

I do know that I seem to make sure I find time to fit in some yoga every day.  I do know I hate the "flow" style of yoga, that I prefer the quiet, slow, meditative movements.  I do know I still struggle with the sinew and bone body that is showing me "how easy a pose is" when they have clearly never had a large belly.  I do know that I feel more grounded in my feet.  

 

I am looking forward to my first game to see if and how this influences my throwing.  

I came up with a name for my yoga practice as I posted a few photos on line...It seemed to be a bit misleading....

I do know that I have had a few folks ask me...well, what is Mastodon Yoga....oh...sorry...that's just me...doing yoga....I got that nickname in Texas back in 2013...Instead of "bad ass" I wanted something that reflected who I am as a thrower, and someone came up with Mastodon....Old (extinct), slow, big, but strong....I like it.  

This little gal seems to reflect perfectly how I feel when I am practicing yoga....

 Perhaps in time, if it still feels useful to my mind~body~soul, I will start to feel like this one:

 

This majestic as fuck Mastodon...but, well...this IS me we are talking about, so....no.  Probably not....Plus, I'd miss the little beret...
 

 

Trying to settle.

 So last Monday, I get to the new gym...and I go in without my head phones...ahhhhh.  Kidding.  Sorta. Really, I know it sounds weird but it is nice.  Now I know some of my friends have teased me that I needed a "more social" gym.  Eh....maybe....but it's not like I stand around chatting.  I mean, I do my 50+ minutes and head to work.  But yea...I will say, I prefer the head nods, the "hey, how you doing today," the.."oh god what torture did your coach give you."  I guess I did need something more social, if that is what social is.  😊

I will admit, it is tricky for my sad broken brain to be back in the land of LuLuLemon...I am working super hard at breaking my patterns of self judgement and well, self loathing. 

One of the things I have always enjoyed is watching other people work on shit...It's fun at Elevate to try to guess what people are training for...they do train lots of runners and they train a lot of the guys on New Mexico United.  I really hope I am not creepy about it...I mean I watch cool stuff people are doing, I don't gawk...I laugh a lot too watching some folks because if I tried some of the core work and work on the slide pad thinggy and all sorts of other stuff....I'd be broken or I'd laugh so hard I'd wet my pants.

Now that it has been almost 3 months...I am seeing some of the same people in the mornings...there is one woman who I just love watching.  She's probably 10-15 years older than I am and DAMN she has the most beautiful arms and more than that I just love how she moves....she has amazing balance and she is super strong.  I haven't actually talked to her yet...it's not like I just wander around trying to be social after all. 

Anyhoo....I am finished with my workout and I am cooling down on the fake grass...so is she....she scoots over to me and takes out her head phones and says, "I just wanna say I love watching you work out. I know you compete and I know that it takes a lot of work. (how does she know this??) It is great to see women putting in all of this effort."  

I just wanted to die.  Really.  I said to her..." oh my god, I have been wanting to tell you how beautifully you move since I started here. You are so strong and your balance is amazing."  

These two old women on the turf just enjoying the very different ways in which we move.  

Her name is Shirlene....and it was such a beautiful birthday gift.  

And yea, I cried.

Fight me....

😆💖

CVS

 Popped into CVS to grab someone's meds the other day....and well, right now there is still a bit of an issue with people getting at home tests...I think...

Anyhoo....I approach the door and outside there are no less than 4 signs...4....one on either side of each door and one ON each door that say.... "At home tests are at the register, not at the pharmacy."

Ok...4?

In side...I kid you not...at least 6...as you walk in on varying size stands. 

As I walk to the back of the store toward the pharmacy...every single aisle....on BOTH sides....the same sign.

 

I get to the pharmacy.....at least 4 more signs as you approach the counter...at LEAST.

 

So I get to the counter...a young woman calls me up and the manager is standing at the register next to her....I try to gather myself up, but I lose it and start laughing....a little too loud.

 

The manager asks...  Are you ok?

Me: yea, I was going to try to ask you if I could get the home test kits from you, but I could not stop laughing.

Him: Yea, can you believe it, people still ask.

Me: No....(laughing harder)

YW: Oh god yes, they ask.

Me: Dang, I wish I could have pulled it off.

Him: This is by far better, glad you have a sense of humor....

YW: We need it.

Him: More of it.

Me: Well I am happy to be stupid entertainment, so tell me, can I have a test?

And we all laugh.

At the CVS.

Frustrated and laughing....

I mean....let's laugh, cause I am tired of crying....

But I sure did leave with a smile....and no home test.....  😅

 

Art? Artist?

So back in the before times, when reality shows were new...I loved Queer Eye.  When this reboot happened I was skeptical. The first season was a little wonky...but I feel like they worked out the bumps and frankly, I really like it.

Emery and I discuss which of the folks on the show scare us the most...like who are you intimidated by or who would you be scared that they would look at you and say , "oh  my I can't help you."  Ha.  Emery is intimidated by Tan....Me~Karamo.  Frankly Tan for me a little too, cause....he's so beautiful and I have never been much of a dresser...

If I am gonna be honest...it is a deep dark secret of mine that I would love to be on one of these kinds of make over shows....that's part of why I watch some of them....oh to have Nate & Jeremiah redo my house...SWOOOOOON.

I mean...I never would....but it is this fun fantasy as I watch.

Then I watched this final episode of season five.

 Queer Eye Episode

 I put the link in there just in case you are interested...but super short version...Reggie, a musician, was on the verge of some big shit in his career..opening for some huge artists....then, well...covid....

And...he just can't any more.  I mean he helps other artists, but his own work? Not so much...he just feels like...."well, my shot was right there and due to things way out of my control....they are gone and well...maybe that is MY sign that it isn't meant to be and I am done."

To say that I felt this....that this hurt to watch...oh boy.  Now I was no where near what this man was doing in terms of commercial success....but the end of 2019....Rod and I had produced the show...in March of 2020, it got accepted into a festival in NYC.  The day that happened...the day we got that acceptance...I knew, I knew that was my one and only shot to ever perform in NYC and I cried. Well, we all know how THAT year ended up being for theater.  

We had been told we'd be notified and given preference for 2021, but we never were...

The app was up for 2022.....and all I think is, well, it was a moment in time. The time is gone...just let go.  But in the mean time I have spent 2 years doing virtual auditions, which I clearly am not very good at because has your girl been cast? 

no.

I know very well that many of you have heard me talk about not feeling like either an actor or an athlete and being both an athlete and artist.  So yeah...not new....but....this 2020~2022 feels different...like it does for everyone...

All I know is I felt this episode of this silly makeover show...more than is probably normal....even for me.

Gym experiment

 So after Worlds...in November, I needed a break.  I needed something different. 

As you know I opted to give a 30 day yoga thing a shot.  Again, not 30 in a row, but 30 days.  I also started looking at new gyms.  

I know I know I always long for the days of nooners at Praxis.  I know it was a unicorn and I have finally finally come to understand just how lucky I was at a place and with people that just clicked, that pushed and supported.

Ok, that's done...that's ok!  

So the question becomes now, what do I want? What am I looking for? 

The gym I am at, IronSoul, is a great place....great equipment..but it isn't really a good fit.  I am not looking for a place that is so social that you don't get work done, but you know, for meeeeee.....coming in and seeing the same people for months and months and trying to make eye contact and finally after 18 months getting a head nod....was making me ...well....sad? Then throw in the pandemic....and a lot of the people who did acknowledge one another....some of the lady gym crushes moved on.... :)  ANd the freaking commute....I know, I am aware that I know people who drive from Santa Fe to ABQ to go to a gym they love...but that's part of the point isn't it...they love that gym, they fit...

I was also struggling a bit with remote coaching....again....great stuff...great support....but...was I really doing anything correctly....was I really even pushing myself...I was finding reasons to not go.....

So I started looking....there are some good "box" gyms out there...and I thought I might wait to see about the Defined that is supposed to open by the house....but WHEN IS IT OPENING??

So Kyle, one of the body workers I go to, told me he was checking out a new gym, so I thought what the hell....he description made me think it might be worth looking at.  So at the end of November I made an appointment to check it out...It's not Crossfit, but it's not, not CrossfitISH.  They have 3 different levels of training...single, pairs, and something they call "squads".  The squads are basicly small group training with folks that have similar goals.

I will admit...I walked in defensive...walking into a new gym in a larger body kinds of armor...and they paired me with a trainer for an "assessment" UGH...but interestingly it was mostly a mobility assessment...There is a three month commitment to start...so I am about half way through...

The first month, I was on this high rep cardio killer shit that made me laugh.  But working with the trainer they gave me was kinda cool...I was up front right away, Dude...I cannot afford the one on one for three months...and they said fine...we can work together a month, see where you are and find a "squad."  

The first one on one we had was interesting...I mean like slow down please...I gotta constantly catch my breath...I was getting super frustrated with  myself, but whatta gonna do...I just kept moving.  Then as he was walking me through their lifting areas, "showing" me lifts and watching me lift for the first time, he said something to me.

"hmmm, You are really capable."

Not said with shock or surprise.  No superlatives like "bad ass" which honestly has always fallen flat on my ear, my body...

Capable.

I really liked that...and after that first month...I felt better about my conditioning and he wanted to move me back into lifting.  I was a little like...maybe I should stay put...but I am in the second week of his programming...I told him he is evil for having front squats and deads the same day...but...I may have him add another day that is just the annoying conditioning....

The last private session we had...I asked if they had found a "squad" for me.

 

Him: No.

Me: Oh.....

Him: No one here is really doing what you do.

Me: Oh....

Him: Don't worry about the pricing though.

Me: Ok...but that's not really...

Him: We all talked about it (the other trainers) and we are hoping we can eventually guide some people toward the kind of lifting and strength training you are doing. To form a squad around you instead of fitting you into one that isn't what you need.

Me: Oh...ok...

So there it is....not sure I fit here either, or that I will stay.  I mean I have actually spoken to some folks here....like people I see at the same time of day...like, a women came up to me after like a week just to say hi....and shit people look you in the eye...and I am sorta the outlier walking in with head phones. And I joked with a friend that it sorta feels like walking into a LuLuLemon showroom...I am definitely the fat kid in this place...  😏

Anyhoooo.....they have a cool mobility class I can take for free as well, which is nice...and it looks like they plan outings once in a while too~I saw a snowshoeing thing they offered recently.

I have about 6 more weeks to decide...

It really isn't so cut and dry this time...it isn't like I walk in and say "this is it." I wish it were...and I miss working out in the mornings with Grant...but he and I need different things...and oh...it is much closer to the house as well....

Six more weeks...and a game on the horizon....oh and can you imaging...I am doing another 30 day yoga thing....more on that later.