Tuesday, August 20, 2013

time to ramble.

So, one thing I didn't post about last week because I was being a huge ninny emotionally was working out.  Yeah...working out...

Last week I actually did 2 crossfit workouts.  See, BJ and I had a conversation about the training that is coming down the pike for me and the affect this health crap has had on my ability to train this year...He said something I really didn't wanna hear...I gotta add the conditioning aspect back in~in  a big way.  Frankly, I am still nervous about the heart stuff when I am in the gym and somedays are worse than others.  I decided since I had 3 weeks til Pleasanton that I would do a couple of the CrossFit workouts.  Turns out I did the couple that were lifting sue me...I also didn't work out much because of the damage I did to the knee in Denver. 

So the work outs?  a bear complex thing....which I struggled with because of the aching post competition shoulder, and something called a "Squat Party"  which looked easier on the white board than it was....and was a shit load of reps in the end.  Yeah...HELLO knee....

This week, I am back to the pregames programming...which means Back Squat Monday:

3x5  95, 135, 185

I decided I felt ok and my knee felt ok, but I was afraid to push it so I started the next set light.

3X3  205   Oh...yeah not bad.
         235   Oh   well... that's heavy...maybe I should do two sets at this weight....
         270  Yeah...why? I looked at my training log and it has been a loooooong time since I lifted this heavy on a set of three...all that can happen is I dump the bar, right? or blow my knee?

Down up down up down up....they were kinda ugly....pushed up with my back a little....didn't trust my legs to come up with enough power.  But I did them.  I stood there for a bit...wondering if my chest was gonna stop, or if I'd have to ask one of the EMT's in the gym to save my ass...but, came down.  I also remembered that lifting just feels like that...duh....

I also did a boatload of drills...hammer, stone, and WFD footwork.

Less than two weeks and I have a HUGE game in Pleasanton.  I did these games last year.  They are a 2 day games and they are tough...tough...tough and fun and beautiful and exciting. being stupid (or silly) last year. 

Throwing has been odd and challenging and disappointing this I decided to find my numbers from the games last year....see if I can focus on simply beating some of these numbers and letting go of all of those lofty goals I had last year, before I got sick, before the separation, before fear tried to take hold.

So here they are from last year...this way I am accountable to you and myself to post my numbers in two weeks or so.

Braemer  23'2" (they have HUGE stones)
Open       25'4"
HWFD    29'3"
LWFD    55'4"
HH         56'10.5"
LH          75'5.75"
WOB      15'  (of course)

These are sorta a high pressure I'd like to see if I can learn to use the crowd to push my throws instead of shying away from the crowd, the attention. let go of this self punishing attitude I seem to have about my throwing this summer.

You know just a few short months ago in goal was to be able to simply FINISH a game with out ending up in the hospital.  I have thrown well.  Not great, but well....I have learned how to manage the heart stuff on the field and I know my technique in some events has also seen improvement. 

Would I speak to any other thrower the way I talk to myself? even.....

So....yeah....I've done ok this year, especially given some of the challenges placed before me.  I have worked on letting go of fear on the field....and good stuff.

Monday, August 19, 2013

almost quit

Vivi really came close to digging in her heals about the weightlifting...the separation and the stress of Kegan leaving were her reasons...valid maybe....guilt enducing? um yes. 

I already feel like it's all my fault.

I managed to remember that I am the grown up here...and I dug in my heals harder.  Now, I don't think you force kids to do things past when they are interested, but this felt like a different kind of moment.  I needed her to not give up on herself...on her potential...Like I did.

Was mom gonna let me wallow? Was Mom gonna let me freeze this moment in time  so I can always say I don't do things because of XYZ. Was Mom gonna give in again....

Cause frankly, I do give in too alllllllll sorts of areas of my life.

The first day was suck~tacular....she was pissed at the gym...but she finally moved. 

Then friday...she just worked out....

Then this morning...the car got packed with her clothes, she was talking about getting to use the competition bar soon....and how her backpack was light because she was dead lifting last week.

Does it fix anything? no....I know this sucks for her....but I feel like I need to push her to she doesn't slide into life like I did, taking whatever comes her way.  I want her to do what I am learning to do now. Once I started to move...I pick things up and throw them away and hold freaking tight to the things I want. 

Why is this connected to movement, to lifting, to throwing? I don't know, but I bet Vivi will be able to tell me or show me in a few years....

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Silence has been eerily quiet on this blog...

I just got back from Denver, the Highland Ranch games....I'd love to write about it...but....I just can't right now.

Those of you who follow me, mostly follow me through FaceBook, so you have most likely seen the posts from Pierre....and some from me.

There are changes afoot....I kinda wish I could write about these, but that feels WAY too private.

The only thing to say right now is I am trying to move through this with love and respect and I hope that holds strong.

I also took my eldest back to school this week....funny, it is such a non event the second time around.  Got to spend precious moments with my friend Heather....and for the 3rd time in about a week, I have been confronted with my negative thoughts with a huge slap of love right in the face.  See, I have these games coming up in September of 2014~I signed up for them not knowing how in the Hell I would ever really pay for them. After the decision was made to separate...I REALLY knew I wasn't gonna be able to go.  In this one little week....I have had 3 separate people or groups of people say to me, "No, you are going, we will help get you have to go."

I am not sure that any of them know how these simple words held me up in this difficult time, how much you made me see that what I am doing matters in some weird way, how grounded in my physicality this makes me feel (which in turn makes me feel safe).

I know now, I will be going.  There will be fund raisers and work to get sponsors...but this old broken down lady is worth that work.  I mean for god sake, if others think I am, who the hell am I to argue.

September 2014

Friday, August 2, 2013

It's true, I am kinda dumb.

Again Mona?  You knew better...

WHY do I do this to myself?

Crab: What's Vivi up to these days?

Me: Oh she started going to the gym with me.

Crab (overly concerned face) Not that Crossfit thing?

Me: um, no actually, she has started working with the Olympic weight lifting coach.

Crab: (sharp intake of breath)

Me: What?

Crab: She's already so little, this is going to damage her growth.

Me: Actually that has been debunked and she is working with a highly skilled coach.

Crab: She'll get all boxy.

Me:  .................... 

Crab: Just be careful and watch her. Too bad she's not running.

Me: .................... (head on desk)

Thursday, August 1, 2013

repost time

One of my friends at the gym. Faith, posted this on Facebook....for a group, but she tagged me on it to make sure I saw it.

I do not want my daughter to be nice.

Yeah...her daughter sounds like mine....and I pray to god that I have never told Vivi to "just be nice."

This has been my pattern my whole life, in every significant relationship I have had and frankly it is partly at fault for the destruction of a relationship. I have been so busy "being nice" "walking on eggshells" "apologizing for my existence" that I lost myself, my voice a long time ago.  Over the last few years I have been scratching and crawling and frankly lifting and throwing to figure out how to "stop being nice" to the point of never getting what I need, much less what I want.  

My being nice hurts the people who care for me too....they really don't want to see a fake smile and hear, "it's ok, fuck me over again." I think they miss me almost as much as I missed myself over these long years.

~She is a beautiful kid, but she is also sure and determined in a way that is not exactly pretty. Which is fine, because God help me if that girl ends up smiling through her entire life as if she is waitressing or pole-dancing or apologizing for some vague but enormous infraction, like the very fact of her own existence.
I picture her at the prom in stripy cotton pajamas, eating potato chips with both hands. I picture her slapping a patriarch-damning sticker on her jacket. I picture her running the country, saving the world, being exactly the kind of good bad girl that she knows herself to be. And I think: You go. I think: Fly! I think: Take me with you.~

Yeah...take me with you~