Twice

I think the last time I posted I wrote something about being up front with people when they ask "How are you?"

Well, this weekend I did it twice. 

I was super uncomfortable, but I did it.

This holiday season is proving to be very tough for me.  I have been working really hard on letting things go, on understanding that my oldest has made choices that are his and what he needs to do.  But I'm not there this year....

I am just sad....

I am sad and disappointed that I am not allowed to see or share any of my son's first year in New York experiences; but it isn't even really all of it.  I have had that thing happen...that black hole sucking at my feet feeling...it's more than sad.

So...anyway, to my point, II had two people ask how I was this weekend....

And to one I said, "well, I almost canceled because I am really depressed."

And I said to the other, " I am awful, this holiday season so far is just not a happy time right now."

I was a little embarrassed, but they heard me and said things like yeah...this time can be hard.

It was good to not have to take out a mask and polish it up for people. To just be honest with people and to just be myself in that moment....to just be present with them, and myself.

Both this morning and yesterday morning I felt a little less of that nasty tug at my feet....I am trying to just feel it instead of hide it or hide from it....I'm just not sure I can do that "fake it til you make it " thing at the moment...I just hope this moves through soon so I feel like putting up anything for Christmas, 'cause right now I am super Bah-Humbug.  For those of you that know me at all...you know how odd that is...

I haven't even started to listen to Christmas music yet....

Oh well, I am rambling,  I'll check in once we start the "deadcember" madness.

Off Season Part 2

One of the things I left out of the last off season blog....were my solid plans.

Other than Deadcember...I am not sure what BJ has in store for me.  As for my plans?  I know the place I need to focus is my mental off season.

I am hoping to create more space for my rattled brain and rattled nerves.  I thought about trying yoga again, but we all know how well that goes for me...I will see if Emery will do some Yoga with me at home, I did get into that.  I need both more connection and more silence.  I guess that would come down to meaning full connections with people.  I have been working on healing very old family wounds and I am guessing that work never really ends.

As for my body, I need quiet and silence there too.

Body work.

I have been working with a woman in ABQ who is a  cranialsacral  therapist.  That has been crazy, both physically and in dealing with some of that family stuff I mentioned.  That work needs to continue, but I also need to add some massage back into the mix....and well, Charlsey too...

I need a winning lottery ticket.

I know some of that work is on going and need based...especially Charlsey.  But, But, But...there is some urgent feeling I have that I need to get help with letting things go in my body and laying some good ground work for self care and big lifts later.  HA!

The other place that needs attention is that road to 100 I was working on...well, I haven't updated that road because I went off into the ditch.  Happened last year right about this time too.  So I'm back at 105 and not happy about it, but not unhappy enough about it to tackle it....otherwise I wouldn't have put it on.  So bizarre that a "small" amount of weight pushes me past where I feel comfortable. But yet...I am so hungry all the time.  Ha

I think this will relax once I get some of this quiet that I need.

I am also working on a writing project...writing and working on my feet too.  I keep telling Grant I need to find an acting class and then I just...don't.  I'll find something when it's right.  Ahhhh, I finally started seeing theater again too.  I contacted Holly and asked for help..."Please Holly be my theater buddy."  So, I have actually seen 2 shows in the last month....working on that show anxiety thing.

I try not to put a lot of stock in anniversaries, but they do hold weight for me...this is a rough time of year, for many people; not just me.

Maybe reach out, maybe tell someone the truth when they ask you how you are...

Maybe say "I'm not great right now." You may see relief on their face too, that they don't have to hold on to this happy demeanor when it feels too heavy.  Yeah, you may get someone who walks away...that's ok too...

So, if you see me this winter and want to just hear, "I'm fine how are you," it's fine by me if you walk away from me.

Truly.

Off season and some numbers

Y'all know I had a weird season.  Training was super spotty at best and weird... The biggest mistake I made in 2018 was in regard to expectations.  I know i have said this before, but once my son was recovered from surgery in July and I got into Pleasanton, I just thought I could kick it hard and well...whatever I thought.  Great lesson though. I am fully aware that training is year round...but there is all this talk about "off seasons."  Frankly, I am not at any sort of level that I should really take an off season, right?

Hmmmm  I'm not so sure.  Driving the same drill, the same or similar workouts all the time doesn't really work, at least not for me. Personally, I get bored which then turns into lazy...but beyond my personality flaws...there really is something to be said for shaking it up.  

This article lays it out better than I can...

off season

Part of why I bring this up is because of what I have heard and seen in my tiny little part of the community over here in New Mexico.  See...the World Master's Game is going to be in Tucson next year...which seems to have people in a bit of a tizzy.  Well, throwers in the Western half of the US seem super excited and a little crazed to "get their numbers" to qualify.  I get it, but I worry that for some of them, they will forget the power that can come from taking a bit of a break.  

Heck...we used to not even hold practices much over the winter, so switching to every other week seems like we are still throwing a lot....I know for me, the constant drive can work against me.  It's about the long range planning.  

Yeah Yeah, I am being a bossy old broad, but...read the article...shit, not like I know any of these folks will read this.... giggle.

I know for lots of throwers, off season means a second sport, powerlifting, weightlifting, strongman..I know that's what Heather and Juli do, and well...yeah.

Ok.  I'm done, off my stupid box (for now).

So, Mona, what's your plan?

Shit, ask BJ....kidding,  I know to kick this shit off we are doing Deadcember. After that?  Dunno.  I know I'd like to get some of my "strong" back...  I miss it and it completely effected my WOB this year.

OHHHHHH..... I am almost done with the post program testing...it was a 14 week program, filled with weird shit....No traditional squats, some Hex deads...and I can't even remember what.  If I am honest, I did NOT get through the whole program.  Lots of the programing was way to long for my little lunch break workout time.  BUT....

Even so...I made some very cool gains, not just with lifts, but cardio crap too...

Highlights:

Triple Bench:  125 to 130
Triple Hex dead  285 to 335
Tripple Squat   235 to 285
Triple Broad Jump 20.15 to 21.20
Kneeling chest pass 190 inches to 270 inches
Airdyne 10min 99 cal to 127 cal

I have some running left to test, but it's been too cold for my lungs...

So bizarre to have both lifts and cardio go up. The lifting is funny though, because I don't think any of those are lifetime bests, so I have actually have lifted those kinds of numbers before...I just had not done it in a while and I am also 40 pounds lighter than when I was "lifting heavy."  I have felt weak over the last 2+ years. 

It also is a goddamn wake up call.

What could I possibly do if I can actually focus.  If I can give myself a year to really focus...or shit at this point even 6 months...what could I allow my body to achieve if I just listen to BJ and do what he asks?

If I just listen to Grant and Chad and Heather and Edie and Cindy and Rachel and all the other voices who actually believe in what I might be capable of doing with this broken down middle aged body? Even if I never "get there" (where ever there is), I will at least know I am giving this body a shot.  I still feel like I am working out on borrowed time given the stenosis and the numbness that is creeping in more and more frequently.

Maybe I need an off season from my demons too.

weird again.

So, a little over a week ago, I went to Denver.  I took one of my sisters up to Denver for an out patience surgery.

No big deal right...

Well, for those of you who may know me a little better, this is the sister that at one point cut me out of and deemed me unworthy of being in her life.  Most recently, at a birthday party for our Mom, she actually introduced me as  "her Mother's other daughter."

That one still has me giggling.  Especially because the person she said it to, a nun, looked at her and said, you mean your sister.....

Yeah...she asked me to take her up to Denver for surgery.  Honestly, I really don't know why.  She even said, I know we aren't close...

Um, that's an understatement...

But it was truly a moment for me of, "well of course I have to do this."  I still don't know why her husband didn't take her...or a close friend.  But I never asked during the trip.

I am not sure if I did the right thing or not.  I mean, I know it was the right thing to take her, but not addressing the elephants in the SUV so to speak; I mean, didn't I just fall back into all my old patterns that do nothing but harm me?

For 3 days I felt so uncomfortable in my skin...so shut down.  But on the other hand...I know I'm repeating myself...it was the right thing to take her to Denver.

Just a day later, we received disturbing news about a person we know in the throwing community....that involves being in a hate group...then we had to leave for a national conference of Highland games...in Myrtle Beach SC...Where we learned that other festivals have had their own issues recently too.  Do you know how much fun it is to be in a room full of people when you bring up an uncomfortable topic? 

The faces...like someone had just farted.

But worse.

Oh well.

I did not handle things, any of the "things" the last few weeks very well...I went back to the same place that I went last year...right about this time of year, when someone I thought was a friend posted that they thought any parent who supported their transgender child in transitioning was guilty of child abuse. I made a mistake in responding to that post, and saw a whole lotta people from the Highland Community get super fucking ugly and I unfriended a bunch of people.  I also posted I needed to find a new sport. When I said that, I remember getting a ton of support....a ton...and I cried. I cried because I was heard and I wasn't alone; the world, my world isn't really filled with bigots.  They just seem to scream their ugliness the loudest.

Well,  when confronted with some similar things this Fall, I went right there again....that same feeling of "I need to get away from this"...Same stupid behavior too, I found myself responding to a damn Facebook post again, when I know better...and trying to be heard in a room full of people (literally and virtual)  with whom I perceive I don't have any common ground, well, I makes me want to run.

I got a good reminder from my friend Michelle...about Johnny Appleseed. 

She's been planting seeds for decades hoping they will grow into understanding...

I have trouble when I feel invisible though, I get itchy....and these last few weeks have made me feel like I have been rolling in poison ivy.

Not sure where I go from here....not sure how I learn to plant seeds instead of hiding.  I either get silent or I walk away.  Maybe the trick is to drop some seeds as I walk away.  I don't know. 50 years of staying silent about A LOT of things means I really really really struggle to speak up..and confrontation feels like...

icky skin vomit shaky yuck

I'm super articulate....

It's a rough time of year for me...maybe I should just hibernate and hope that my roots grow a little stronger for next year.

Goals

"I keep asking myself these three questions ... What do you have? What do you want? What will you give up?" -Jack Ma, co-founder of Alibaba

I recently posted on Facebook, asking folks to share what they had been working on and if they had reached their goals, if they were still working on it, if new goals had emerged.  I know the end of the year usually bring some sort of lens to this issue.   I love reading what people share on those sorts of posts.

I had a funny thing happen to me surrounding goals this year.  Well, I had a LOT of funny things happen to me this year, but I digress. After Emery had healed up and once I got my invite to PTown...I had this idea that I could drive it in six weeks and be something I had not trained for. I know in my head that training is a year round deal, even when I get injured; I have to do all the work to get me and my old ass body parts moving again. 

I also found myself looking and being a stalker on lots of the amazing women's pages who are really kicking it this year...and yes....I found myself feeling...not jealous, but envious.  I know it is semantics, but they seem different to me.  I was feeling envious of the time they could put in...

and somewhere along the line I saw the quote at the top of the blog.

What will I give up?

That's a big one.

And you know...my artistic life and my time as a Scottish Athlete were and are the things that I was willing to give up as we negotiated the last few years. I had not thought of it this way before I saw this quote.  And frankly it took me a while to get here.

So....as I look forward to an off season, from a season where I actually threw a little bit, I need to ask myself before I get started: What do I have, as in where am I starting from. What do I want, as in what area of my life will I be sending more of my energy. What will I give up?

My dear friends,  I don't know....I don't know and cannot seem to decide where or what to focus on right now. 

So, I guess for right now, I will try to quiet my brain a little and see what comes my way.