MRI update and Costco adventures

Well, I have no real update, except that I have indeed had my MRI.  Went to the upright place in Albuquerque. Shockingly, they are not in network for my silly insurance....but whatever....why having claustrophobia means I need to pay a higher price for health care....oh god, let’s not open that can of worms.

I can’t get back into have a doctor look at the dang thing til late next week, so....let’s even see if that happens.

As for all of this other stuff...um.  Yikes.

Not sure about y’all, but this is seriously tapping into my stress levels.  I know.....it is for everyone.  Last weekend I ended up at the store every day...no. I am not hoarding anything.  In fact, if it wasn’t for a joke between my boss and I, we would be out of TP.  All of us talked about it and we are just trying to shop normally.  Which means we will and have not been able to get certain things.  Maybe it’s a mistake....who knows.  But I won’t be that person who snatches eggs away from another. Being typical Americans, we have too much food in the house already.  I mean we could probably go a pretty long time if we needed to. The food combinations might be weird at that point and not go together but there it is.

It feels odd to be some where with a small cart when everyone else seems to be pushing a barge, but that adds to the crap, doesn’t it? Adds to the stress....looking at these other people and thinking, maybe I should get extra...blah blah blah.  But I fight it and move on.

Any who.....I see the same things you all see.  The panic, the fear, the funny memes, the conspiracy theories....oh god, please stop with the conspiracies.

Maybe it’s my inherent Polly Anna attitude, maybe it is my belief that people are basically good.  I see that too....the good stuff people are doing so I shall focus on that.  I know that this attitude has sometimes meant that I get taken advantage of, that I get used...oh well...it still is my overriding way of being.

Which brings me to Costco.

Yes Costco....last night.....

We went.  See we needed eggs,(they were out), butter, berries, and we grabbed a few things for other folks who couldn’t find what they needed.

Ok so Costco....is it like mad max or what?  No.  Well. Maybe it is in the morning when they have to ration TP, but we went near closing....  I grabbed a cart in the lot and used some sanitizer to clean the thing...as I walked in there was a guy with paper towels and some sanitizer spray and he asked if I’d like my cart cleaned....aw,  thanks!

Then, as we come to they door they have a white board with all the things they were out of listed....although they were out of onions and it was not listed...onions?  Yea...ok.  Then as you walk in they have a huge sign that says “ social distance.”  As we wind our way through empty shelves and oddly placed items I notice something.

People.

People taking great care.  Great care of one another.

How?

In isles, people making eye contact and giving permission to pass as they held back.  People waiting to approach an item if someone was standing near it. This fearful panic, this mindless grabbing, had given way to a careful approach.

We asked the folks checking us out if they were ok, they asked the same.  They too, even though they worked at Costco, had chosen not to hoard....they felt the panic around them every single day and still made that choice.

I left that place feeling a little less stressed then when I had walked in.

Yes I just wrote that...going to Costco made me feel less stressed.  I realize that perhaps, like everyone else, I may be simply seeing what I want to see, but I don’t think so....

I just believe people want to get through this....whatever THIS turns out to be, and isn’t better to get though this with a little gentle humanity in tact?

MRI shenannagins

So, I went for my MRI last Monday.

I know I can be super nervous doing "medical" things, so I prepped.  I meditated and looked forward to getting and answer. Frankly after the work with Charlsey and Grace, I was looking forward to hearing how good it's looking.

So...I go change, as I am waiting there is a lovely older lady in the waiting room. She, too, is getting her left ankle scanned.

I go in....both the tech and the assistant get excited over my choice of music....all signs are looking good.

I lay down....the assistant then straps my leg down....Ugh I hate that feeling.  I ask, "it's just my ankle, so how far do I go into this tube?'

Oh not far, but we can show you....


So she hands me the head phones and I think, ok...a 20 minute meditation....I ask..."so, will he talk to me, tell me where he is in the process?"

She looks at me funny...No, that takes too much time, he has to move this along...


Um...Ok...Well, I can ask him if you really want him to..

"um, no that's ok..."

So she is standing next to me and she starts to slide me in to show me how far I will go into the tube....

As the top of the tube gets closer...as it is over my chest....

I freak out...

It is seriously an uncontrolled response...I think I yelled something like you have to stop this thing, you have to stop now....

They stop and the tech comes over and tries to calm me down as the assistant unstraps my stupid leg. He is as gentle as he can be....says that many people never even know they are claustrophobic until they have an MRI.  I say, "I'm fine now, let's try it again."

He says, nope, I could see your legs start to shake before you were all the way in, I will never get a clear image....

UGH.

The word Ninny comes to mind....I fell like a little kid again, about to be screamed at and spanked for being afraid of the dark....The tech doesn't of course....he just says lots of people need sedation....and even for some mild sedation doesn't work.

REALLY?

Kill me now. 

I DON'T WANT SEDATION.


I just want for a moment to be a normal fucking person who isn't panicky. 


This right here is why I laugh when people have tried to label me a bad ass or strong or whatever....

A big fat ninny is what I really am...

Or....I am just a person, for whom panic and anxiety can get triggered....

SIGH.

So now I am waiting to see if they can transfer the order to ABQ so I can have an open MRI..'cause I am betting a little mild sedation is NOT going to work.

And frankly..I almost don't care to know how bad the Achilles is anymore...I mean I do....but I don't.


I will see what happens this weekend in Phoenix....I suspect I will know pretty quickly if this thing is healing or if I have to get knocked out for this damn MRI.   I can't imagine going back to get the one on my neck now....

I really did feel ready, I really did try to stay excited and positive...I looked forward to the long meditation....Hell, it would not have been nearly as long as the awake part of the dang heart surgery I had.