Been thinking about this one for a bit...me & my issue with seeing photos of my self...
It has pretty much always been an issue for me....even when I was young and more "conventionally" attractive....um...let's be honest...thin and young. But you see....I was always convinced I was 'fat" no matter what I actually weighed. Frankly, in the 80's being as tall as I am, I was called "big." And not for being a big & strong old bitch like I am now....
The last few years...I have gotten older (expected) and bigger too....I have given up the restrictive shit and focus on learning to really listen to what I want as well as how I feel when I eat. I have found out somethings about how I feel when I add or limit certain foods. It's been a process and I am still working on it.
So enough sorta exposition.
Why am I so shocked when I see photos of myself? I clearly live in this body, right? I know how fat I am..."fat" is no longer anything other than a descriptive word...like my hair is short...or that I am tall.
Then I heard someone on a podcast talking about seeing a photo of herself and being shocked because she "felt skinny."
What?
Oh....shit....there is some cultural baggage to unpack here.
What did we learn in the 80's, 90's, and beyond? "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." What are the secondary characteristics that we attach to "fatness."
Hence, the "I feel skinny." comment....and I felt that hit me in the face....
All those things that I was promised would happen if I shrank myself to an acceptable societal level....I would find love, I would have better sex, I could be more successful, I could move easily, I would be accepted, I could be a better athlete, I could be a real actor......
I have lots of them in a fat body...and in fact I never had much of them in a smaller body. So, the things I feel, experience etc are associated with "thinness," but I am not...that is why I think I feel some surprise...at least I am stealing this from this woman I was listening to...and no...I cannot freaking remember what podcast it was. (figures, right?)
So the work continues....and I continue to put off writing when I should just write.... 😉
