Maine, Goals, and flying kayaks.

 Sooooooooooooo,  Pleasanton this weekend!

Are you excited?  Yes

Are you ready?    No

What does ready mean?  Do I know?

Are you ready to throw?   Sure.

Are you ready to kick ass?  Um, no, not really...

I thought you were ready to throw?  Oh I am, I mean I am gonna throw so that makes me ready.  Am I gonna "throw my best"? Am I gonna "rock it" (what ever that means?)  Probably not.

Or maybe I am...'cause I am where I am.  My body feels how it feels.  I did what ever training I did and I can't do more at this point. Do I wish I had thrown "more"?  Come on after reading this silly blog for as long as you have you already know the answer...Of course I do, but I prepped how I prepped. 

Recently, my coach and one of the other coaches at my gym ran me through a series of tests...mobility type things...it was super informative. And frankly, that's all I have been doing the last three weeks.  Mobility and yoga and some limited drills. And have you ever worked on the inward rotation of your hip?  Let's just say mine sucks...and not just a little. It's what I've chosen to focus on.

AND then there is the game in Maine....I prob should have written about this sooner...but holy moly.

The one of the most challenging fields I have ever thrown on.  If you stood still too long, your feet started to sink and get covered with water.  Seriously. I know those of you coming back from Worlds experienced the same stuff!

The lesson AGAIN....do what you can.  I slowed way down, went to single turns on weights...was super careful with caber.  OHHHHH  caber....we had a thrower who had her caber stick....yes stick...straight into the ground and just stand there for probably 5 full seconds....while we all stared...while she turned and looked at us and asked if it was moving...then it finally fell.  Probably stuck in like 4 inches.

I realized how much attention I was paying to the ground...good thing for me to do...like always. What's the foundation you are building from, on anything...throwing, acting, anything.

Threw with a bunch of ladies I have never throw with before...they were amazing.  

The phrase for the game was: No boo boos, have fun!! Highland Games!!!

Sheaf...was a heavy heavy wet bag....Maximum effort for all of us at 18 feet...OOOOOF.

 I know I got great lesson last year in Pleasanton about heat...so, I take these "ground" lessons with me to P-Town.

I also get to watch women's worlds a little from where ever I am on the field.  SQUEEEE!

There is definitely a shift happening for me. My dear friend Donna would laugh at me....but I am feeling my age in a different way this year.  I am taking longer to recover and I don't feel as strong.  I think I have allowed some of this to affect my joy on the field.  Now that I have had this thought...it's time to bring some of that focus on my surroundings on the field to my inner self, my energy as well.  

As always...this sport has been about self competition...where am I? How can I be better...but it has also brought out the competitor in me....I need to be more thoughtful about that...return to quiet internal goals and to the joy of being around people who are pushing themselves can bring. How can I be the best me in this moment, how can I be a decent 55+ thrower without...damage...HA.

Time to work on something I spoke with the coaches at Elevate about..."How can I be the best that I can be....and not compare myself to the "younger" masters athletes?" After all...these amazing ladies are often 15 years younger than I am. That is real...and significant.  

How can I age in a way that hopefully prepares me to care for myself when I am 80? That's why we are working on my silly joints...and my mobility...and strength too...but I am feeling like the days of pushing for the maxes might be better left where they are.  Funny that I picked up yoga almost 2 years ago too, isn't it?

As for the last part of the title of this blog...yes, I was on the highway and a kayak flew off another car and hit mine.  I am fine...a little shook...and the car needs some work...but yea.

A flying kayak.

Thank god for body workers!

See ya in Pleasanton...and see you when we get back!

Little post it notes. Little obsessions.

 Oooof,  this is gonna be weird and wild and probably a complete jumble.

Here I go....what the hell is that photo is probably the first question. Well, it is sorta a symbol of how I can obsess.  I make excel spread sheets and have little post it notes all over my computer, and I also make a list on a special little tablet; all of this to keep track of a debt I have been working to pay off since 2016.

Redundant much?  Yes.  Like I would forget to make my little consistent payments if I didn't have these notes? 

This photo represents almost 7 years of post it notes...not always green or blue.  I have gone through the rainbow on these.  Anyway....why I am telling you this?

I was coming close to the end of this little obsessive project of mine when I realized that instead of all the little payments over the next 6 weeks or so, that I could instead tear the fucking band aid off now. That I actually had the ability to just be done with this piece of things.  This debt that has felt like way more than a debt for so long. Please don't get me wrong...I have never regretted the purpose of this debt...never...but for those of you who know me well...there are all the other painful pieces that were attached...

I submitted the last payment today.  I may have cried a little.

I have had a lot of people tell me that I will feel like a weight has been lifted....I can't say I feel that yet.  I kinda wanna see the big fat 0 on the screen when I log in.  Also....and this is fucking awful...

What the fuck...what now, how, who am I...huh? How did paying this debt become such a huge piece of my identity.

Fucking Gross.

But I know I let that happen because of my pain...and that I allowed someone else to help set that tone...that tone of  "that is all I was good for anyway." That no one really cared what I could do for them unless it was to pay...

And some of that will never go away.  But the huge difference is I know I have a choice...and I know now that I also had a choice and made that choice all those years ago because it was, at the core, what I WANTED TO DO.

So now what?

All the tracking, all the post it notes feel like old friends. I just need some time for this to settle....I start thinking about all the things we should be doing, ways in which to help, how to lay it all out, and I start to feel manic.

I need to put the planning down for a moment.

Maybe for the rest of the year, just to let this settle and sink in.  

Not sure I am capable of doing it...but I am guessing it's the best thing I could do.

Oh and I am going to Maine next week...WHAT?

More on that later...