Tuesday, June 30, 2015

follow up...

The doc is weird.

As surgeons, they are super confident...they have to be. 

They listen to the heart....listen, listen.

I wonder if he hears my fear, my doubt because as he pulls away from this long long listen he says to me, you need to get rid of this in your head now.

He wants to watch me throw, it was genuine too, his assistant even asked me for date and time of my next game in NM.

I can start to use my legs again....I know...I use them every day.....but use them to squat under a bar and jump on a box and perhaps even ride a bike.

The rest will come.

Whatever is down that path lead by that long long listen to my heart....will come~as long as I listen.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Kindness or Guilt

I saw the following on my friend Jose's FB:

I Forgive, 
I Trust people to be who they are, 
I Forgive them when they mess up for it is in their nature,
I Learn from each encounter who they are and trust in that,
I Forgive,

But trust me I do not Forget.....

I trust people...I trust....I am too trusting....

I prefer to trust people and there is something in this line, "I trust people to be who they are", that knocked me on my booty when I saw it today.

I keep trusting people to be....well, I'm not sure.  Kind?  Thoughtful?  Dunno, most people are, but when I keep coming up against the same old same old....thinking, "they can't possibly....there is no way they can think......"

Truth is, I have not trusted people to BE WHO THEY ARE....I was trusting what I want them to be, how I view the world.  I joke about being Polly Anna, but that is me.  I believe that people are mostly good, that the glass is either half full or it can at least be refilled.

That famous quote from Maya Angelou,

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

And trust them too.

I have been struggling recently with someone who questions my motives.  If I offer help or a kind word I am usually met with a comment later of how I must need to do "nice" things because I feel guilty for something.  I finally stopped trying to have them understand and more recently stopped trying to be helpful or "nice" at all.  My friend Rick helped me with that one.

Then, a week or so ago, someone who cares for me said to me that the only reason someone would need to layer a negative feeling onto something kind you have done, is because that is the only way that they would be able to be kind or thoughtful in the same situation.  They assume ulterior motives because that is what they have, not you. It is contrary to the world view you hold....they believe the world is shit and everyone is out to get everyone else, so of course they question everything you do and say.


Trust them to be who they are, who they have been....believe them when they show you who they are.

Sorry Dr. Angelou, it takes me far longer than the first time to even see it, much less believe it.

But I'll try and I will keep refilling that glass and seeing the good and the beauty in all that I am able.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Knowing when to stop.

Well, it has been two weeks since my surgery.

I keep thinking that it has been longer than that, it seems like I should feel more healed than I am.  Especially since I have no scar.  So so odd.

Heart is a little jumpy and I try to walk during the lunch time Zia class

Jumpy...but not FAST...The first few days I could feel the heart skip.  Jesus.

I'm a little bored with myself.

A little sad for multiple reasons.  Been dealing with old old old patterns from an old spot I thought I had freed myself from.  Not sure how I am still tethered to this energy, but it gets me...I let it get me and that pisses me off.

Anyway, perhaps this is all part of my process right now.  Forced to slow down and listen to my heart.

I joined another gym too...BJ has been a gem and has written me up some recovery programing.  All upper body stuff, all light since I am restricted. I went to this new place on Monday and did some bench work...It felt, odd.  I was a little over aware of the heart...but it wasn't jittery like it had been the last few months. I also stopped.

The lifting felt good.

I wanted more.

I knew I could do more, but I stopped.

Well Well Well...there is a lesson in there for me isn't there?

My legs ached a bit after this first recovery workout....legs.  It was all upper body!  I know, I know, but it wasn't terrible. Tuesday I was fine.  Worked out again this morning too.....

I really have been thrown by Zia being in transition, by this surgery too, I feel like I might never really "go back" and I might not.  Perhaps all of this was a way to fix my heart....

Oh...this gym?  Holy shit...I have joked a lot about being one of the old folks at my god.  We really are the old folks.


The guy who owns it seems pretty is just different. Very different.  Ugh I miss my nooner group!

I roped Grant into joining with me.  He knows just how shitty I feel right now about this and that I really don't like to workout alone and that I kinda don't wanna work out at all and that I really wish I could workout like I did before.


Oh well, it is all an adventure isn't it?

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Next day, back to normal...

my ass....

What a load of bull THAT is.  I cannot even believe they have that gall to tell you that!

I mean....Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I feel as good as I do, but "get back to normal life" the day after this thing? UM NO.

Part of my discharge paperwork says that I am not allowed to drive for 3 days.  Can someone please tell me how no one told me no driving for 3 days and how I was supposed to "get back to my normal every day activities" if I can't drive for three days. Oh...and no stairs.


Ok I don't have stairs, but that's sorta basic moving around in the first world sort of issue isn't it?

Oh well.

And seriously, I picked up my purse and I had nasty nasty pressure and pain in my groin and my chest.  My purse.

It isn't a big purse.


I feel ok.  Today I woke up and my chest didn't feel heavy.  That's sorta amazing I think....I mean they did just root around in there on Tuesday.  The heavy has sorta come back a little this morning, pings of pain on my left side...but much less than yesterday.  I do after all have a burn inside my heart that needs to heal.

And....oh yes...I was awake.  The pre op appointment guy, as much as I liked him...well...he was misleading.  I was awake.  They numbed the legs...but that hurt...the doc warned me as he was about to drive those catheters in, but drive in he did.  And yes...I felt the things enter my heart.

At first I thought he was going right through my throat.  I almost felt like I was going to vomit.  Then I could feel strong strong pressure against my chest wall...I couldn't see anyone during the procedure unless they came specifically over to talk to me...They gave me a little bit to calm me at first, but at one point the nurse, Sergio, came over to my head...I think he saw the tears rolling down my cheeks and he said to the doc, "She's is really awake, awake, I think we need to give her a little more." Thanks Sergio!  It took a little edge off, but I get it, they needed to play with my heart. Which was...weird and kinda awful. I just kept reminding myself that they needed to mess with the pace to find the problem.  First, they must have been using charges, they kept saying "ok we are going to pace your heart"...oh, did I forget to mention just how wired I was...I had grounding pads on my thighs and on my back and I was strapped down to the table(gag)...they seemed unable to get the SVT to stick just with the electrical charges so then they used a synthetic adrenalin....(or something)

That was really really awful....but as horrible as it felt, they got super excited.."See there it is, I'm98% sure it's there, roll back the video.  Yeah it's still there."  I knew that's what they needed to do.  Then they gave me a little more to knock me out....that's when he did the burn.

Then I was awake again and they were testing my heart...more electric charges, more adrenaline type stuff...make it race, make it come down.

He tried to keep it up and going and couldn't, so he was happy.  I was happy I was almost done and would stop feeling the pain and pressure in my chest.

Sergio told me I stayed super still and made the surgery easier for him to do.  I am sure they tell all their patients that, but it was still nice to hear. I was using every tool I had to stay calm....I really could feel myself bathed in light and care and prayer and love and all sorts of good stuff. As long as I allowed all of that to come into my head and my heart, it kept the fear at bay, really. It was amazing.  I had no "recovery time" from what ever they gave me, wasn't groggy at all....don't think I was out that long at all.

My kiddos were there and Vivi said one of my favorite things ever..."People are not 'done,' food is done. People are 'finished.".....I laughed. 

People had to sign in if they were going to to be in my room for a while, this also made me laugh:

The surgery started almost 2 1/2 hours the kids didn't stay the whole time, but I so needed them there.  I know from spending much of my childhood visiting my dad that there is nothing more boring than hospitals, but I am so happy they were there.  Roxanne was there too and she gave them a break by taking them to the aquarium.  Awesome huh?

I had some minor bleeding when I first tried to walk, but it seemed to go just as they had hoped. way I feel normal yet! normal.  And my dear dear Grant....he is carrying my purse and my lunch and driving me to work...and making me rest...

I am hoping to take a walk tonight, I'll let you know how it goes.