Thursday, February 18, 2016


Getting ready for work this morning, I noticed that I am avoiding the mirror again.  I stopped and looked. I ended up getting really close.  I have no idea why.  I looked at my eye.

The color.

I didn't recognize my own eye.

I always thought I had brown eyes...I don't.  It was actually an eye doctor who pointed this out to me, oh 10 years ago or so, that my eyes are actually hazel, leaning to green. Grant has always seen my eyes as amber.  I looked today...they were very green and gold.  I don't know that I have ever seen them that color before.

Oh, I don't know that they really change that much. Not really, what changes is the quality and color of the light in which I see my eyes.

But to look in the mirror and see, well, not me.  Not my eyes.


I know I have posted before about my PollyAnna attitude...I know that it has both gotten me in deeper trouble and saved my ass....

But have you ever had moment, a small thing that happens that is not tragic or awful, but it feels like it is the final shift.  The thing that you are permanently changed by? 

No matter what has been placed before me, I have always seemed to hold on to my humor and my ability to see the beauty around me.  I always assumed that these two things were, at the least, part of the core of my make up.

Maybe that is why I didn't recognize my eyes this morning.

Got back to the gym this week after being sick all last week...and traveling to watch my son in his Senior recital.  He put together a really wonderful group of songs and fascinating mash ups too...He really does have a director's eye.

Oh, yeah, gym.

I moved.  Yesterday was ok.  didn't do quite what BJ had programmed, but I was close. 

Back squats at 255...a bunch of deads at 255 as well.  Felt good.  Best part of the workout was that Phil was in the gym.  I didn't work out with him...but we worked out next to one another.  It was, lovely.

Gonna rest today...and try to get another workout in tomorrow....and perhaps Saturday too.  caber practice this weekend.

It doesn't matter that I have spent the last year constantly feeling like I am "starting over" because at least I keep "starting over."

Wednesday, February 10, 2016



I had a weird birthday....

anyhoo...I turned 48, not a milestone year, I know...but in my approaches the age my Dad passed.  I remember very clearly my sister Pat turning 48....I am glad I saw here go through it...helped her though some of it too.  I remember the battery of tests...the jumpy quality of the year in terms of health. I am. I have thought about it ahead of time, but I find myself feeling the same things my sister did.

Especially when it comes to my back. He had a rare spinal cord cancer.

Funny how these things settle into your deep brain...I remember a moment when my Dad was laying on the bed and my Mom pointed out to him that his ass looked weird....that one butt cheek was higher than the other. I have vague memories of him having back pain...all the time.

Now, no one has said anything about my ass being uneven...but I have those moments of pain and I go.."oh that..."  no it isn't....In fact I have less low back pain than I did 6 or 7 years ago.  I think I may avoid the battery of tests since I understand what this feeling is....and frankly, if it is...or if it comes, it comes.

Treatment is very different now than it was in the 70's!

Approaching the age of the death of a parent is interesting...

I know it is much more useful to focus on the health issues that I can my anxiety and working out.

So....I guess I can use this time to hit the gym and hit my plate instead of hitting the doctors.

And....I miss him right now, even though, well....I really didn't know him at all.