letting that shit go.

I posted this on Facebook a while ago... from Sarah Robles:

 

 

Fat people don’t need to perform “health and fitness” to prove to you they’re worthy of respect and human decency.

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I find it fascinating that an an elite athlete, sometimes I get a free pass on some prejudices because I’m being a “good fatty.” People know I workout all the time and that I’m conscious of my diet and other perceived health markers. Basically, I’m not like OTHER fat people. However, those biases you have about fat people are what people who don’t know me automatically have about me. I’m not excluded from being a fat person. It’s an interesting dichotomy to be both a world-class athlete and also part of this “obesity epidemic.”

I get told I’m promoting obesity and that fat people like me are bad for society and the health care system and all that. Then I get messages from people saying they just got into the gym for the first time or signed up for a competition because I inspired them in someway.

Anyway, listen to the way your friends and family talk. Check out the content they like and share . It might be a valuable opportunity to see who really loves you and it might be a good opportunity to educate them on how to think about and treat other human beings.

I was super happy she posted this, it was a good reminder for me, living in a large body to be careful to whom I give my time and energy.

It happens rarely in this crazy sport I am in, but there are those folks out there....oh yes.  

I've had the back handed compliment...the admission that someone assumed I was lazy because I was fat...I've had the you should probably focus on cardio conversation as well...I had the oh god you look so much better having lost weight conversation with someone, when I was trying to tell them I felt weak...but you know, lighter is better...most recently....my favorite one to date really....someone looked me straight in the face and said...well, the light weights are the REAL badasses.

Okie dokie.

I mean, yes there are amazing light weight athletes....A-MAZ-ING.  And you know why they are amazing? The work they put in...the talent and the WORK they put in, not what they weigh.

In the moment and for a period of time; I was truly hurt by this person's words...truly hurt. I felt demeaned, dismissed, like they were judging me...and well, they were judging me.  BUT....I realized later, that this wasn't about me...this was them..their own internalized fat phobia and self judgement.

So...there it is.  I don't have to internalize this.  Hard not to, given how large bodies are viewed, blamed, criticized for even existing....funny how we can see someone with a slender frame and say, "they are naturally thin"....but the same is not afforded to the other....

I have struggled hard to "get lean" and at no point did I ever actually feel good or nourished.  I felt slightly crazed every single time...counting every last everything....restricting til I felt crazy....headaches, belly aches, kidney function problems.

I'll just keep moving at this point....and my fat ass will enjoy that cookie, thank you very much....and I'll enjoy throwing in this large body thank you very much...and I will perhaps, sometimes, even feel like a bad ass....

A big, goofy, slightly inappropriate, badass.

 

Peace

 You ever get into a disagreement with someone and one of the things they say to you is, “Fine, I’ll go away and leave you in peace.”

I’m guessing yes. Perhaps you’ve even said it to someone. I’m pretty sure I have too at some point. 

Well, this was said to me recently with all the vitriol as that phrase always brings. Instead of pushing back or quickly saying something that may feel like defending myself with a “no no that’s not what I mean” sort of thing. I heard it. 

“Leave you in peace”

What was meant by that?

Oh….

You know….you know that either your presence in my life or the actions you take or the words you use with me….are disturbing, upsetting to me, are “warring” words or actions. 

You know…and yet you threaten with peace…and I’m expected to beg you to stay to harm me further…..hmmmmm. I’ve never though of it this way before. 

Maybe none of this is conscience thought, maybe it’s a phrase we use carelessly when in conflict.

Return question, why don’t I deserve peace?  

I do actually, deserve peace; so in that thought, so do you. 

So, I will do my best going forward, to think, “ will this action or will my words create peace or continue to fan the flames of conflict.”

Might not be easy if I’m honest with myself….but now that I’ve heard this differently, I will work at receiving it differently.