Friday, December 20, 2013

scotch tape

I highly recommend that if you want to read this blog today, that you grab a glass of's likely to be rambling and look much like the inside of my head.  The link below is to a blog written by my friend....this sparked something within me as I read it...which lead to another and another set of thoughts...

What I it enough...I mince words....I never fully name things....leaving lots of assumptions.  Why? It's my blog right?  I don't know that I can be scotch tape and if I can't, perhaps it's time to shut this silly little blog down...just go buy a journal and be done with the public part. 

Learned something terrible about myself on the solstice this year... I know I have made many choices based in fear over the years, hell many of us do.  What I think is me trying to keep the peace...well, that  is fear...I run...I ran and hid on Saturday night after what I perceived as long distance threats.  Peace? I don't give myself peace when I hide.  I'd really like to say I am done with that...make some huge declaration how I will never do that again....but that would just be words.  Seeing what is was? Well, I suppose that is a step in the right direction. Frankly I didn't see it.  I told my sister, I just don't want trouble, I am just trying to keep the peace...she is the one who called me on it.  She said this isn't about are scared. You got scared and you ran.  I did feel threatened...I did run....and then I a pile of pierogi and under my covers.

Below is a quote I had "liked" on Facebook that caused a problem and I made a choice to stay off for a while. I think it is alo why I have not been blogging.  Although I know, it isn't anyone's fault but is my continued reaction that fuels my fear~not what anyone else does or's me.  The care taking I do to keep peace? That is bullshit, it is part of a long term pattern that obviously has the opposite effect that I am searching for...oh, maybe I am the one who needs to be honest about how I am feeling...perhaps that would bring me peace.

"The real reason that some people are bad for you.

There are endless reasons why someone or some situation might be “bad for you.”

Subtle-but-perpetual criticism, toxic complaining, disconnection, narcissistic energy suckers, sheer boredom…

Take your pick of vibes that you’d rather not be around.

But a key reason that situations can be bad for you isn’t necessarily because of what a person or circumstance does “to you” — it’s how you will have to conform to the situation. The hurt happens when you shrink.

You will have to say less, dull your shine, pull in your power. You will play smaller, act dumber, mince your words.

You will restrain your magnificence — out of fear, or out of logic, or out of the intelligence to survive.

So it’s not about them, it’s about your response to them.

The next opportunity to meet, to work, to dine, to interact, to kiss, to speak, to spend, to serve (no matter how shiny, sexy, lucrative, coveted, necessary, obligatory or useful it may seem), ask yourself this:

Will I have to shrink to make this work?


Is this a place where I can expand?

Check your logic and call on your courage. Your heart’s intelligence will guide you.

Hang out where you can unfurl."  ~Danielle LaPorte

This least how I chose to read about...reaction. Not about people in my life at all.

Fear fear....oh.... I discovered something related to all of this over the weekend.  It's the myth I have created around "strong." 

I have somehow come to believe...for myself mind you...not for all of the strong people in my life, but for me to be "strong" came to mean:

Hide my feelings.
Cannot feel fear.
Cannot get hurt.
Do not get scared.

Real smart huh? Can I explain how I came to believe this for myself?  Did all the strong people in my life exhibit these traits? Um. Fuck no. So what in the hell was I doing holding myself to these ridiculous statements? 

I don't know.  I do know was hurting me.  I had it spilt open yesterday.  I admitted that I was scared...really scared and you know what? I freaking wept....not that I haven't cried a bit here and there, but I am talking something different.  I felt weak, scared, hurt, afraid...and I said it out loud, I embraced it....and I let it go.  I, at peace, and um, strong.

And you know what else I discovered? Even though I am the one in my marriage who asked for a separation in July...that doesn't mean I am not allowed to grieve for that marriage, that life, those dreams.  They were mine too....

I can't hide my feelings anymore, I am afraid, I hurt sometimes, and there are things that scare the shit out of me. But none of that diminishes my strength.  

I also threw this weekend...the most I have in a very long time.  And you know what? I was afraid to throw.  And I threw like crap. And now I am afraid of the games at the Arnold...there is no way I am gonna be ready....but, but, but, my shoulder doesn't hurt. So there is that.

I still don't know if I should keep writing....maybe this rambling will clear the decks for the training blogging I prefer to do...

Scotch tape....sigh....thanks Juli..I appreciate your "Scotch Tape~ness". I will just have to see where this goes.

Did ya finish that wine?

Oh. I also did a set of 2 back squats today at 285 that felt~easy.  Wheeeee!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

It happened.

No...I didn't wet my pants....

I did though, get the giggles in the gym yesterday...bad.

Back Squats 3 every minute x 10 @ 75% of 1RM
3 rounds for time:
100 Double Unders (or 300 singles)
15 Burpees
There was a penalty for missing a jump as well...You miss a jump you get an extra burpee at the end of the workout.  It was supposed to be for every three misses....I was keeping track but some how I messed it up anyway because I forgot it was for every three. Like I really needed more burpees.

Ok Back Squats... I went light.  Wimped out again...I did 185. I know, I know I should have been at about 225 but I was not feeling it.  I shall use the female "oh crap I got that early" as my excuse. I got to lift with Hersh...which was awesome...We got through the 10 minutes hopefully looking just as good if not better than the first rep.

Then the workout.  We had no penalty if we chose to stop jumping, but if you stepped on the rope...well, you had to really be accountable to your work on this.  I can usually get about 100 in a row...came close the first set...oh, I had to do 300 singles, since I can't double under. I then shot for sets of 50. So, what set me off?  Let's see....on the first round I got to 298....yes....298 and I stepped on the rope.  I have no idea why but I freaking lost it.  I had a hard time getting the last 2 jumps in because I could not stop laughing. 

After the burpees...dang my ankles hurt and my calves were on fire....I kept breaking things into smaller and smaller sets...and well, I kept laughing at all of this. At how slow I was, at how often I would jump 2 or 3 times then trip up, at having to stop and shake out my legs.  It was a great counter point to what had happened in the gym on Friday night.

Front Squats 3×5 (same weight)  155
Weighted Chinups 7×1 (increasing) I went down on band widths.
Tabata Deadlifts @ 80% of 1RM (245 not 80% but I was more focused on form and not hurting my back)
total reps for all 8 rounds

After having written about not finding release in lifting or working out~I had something hit me hard on Friday during the Front squats.  I don't mean getting a little teary or having to take a deep breath to regroup. I lost it.  Like uncontrollable....dare I say? Weeping at the bar. I still got all my rounds in, but damn...something shook loose and I can't have that happen like that again. Not there...not like that. I felt lost and then so embarrassed and yet...I didn't stop.

Oh well....Neither Will or BJ kicked me out of the gym so I know I am still welcome. 

Gonna miss today....sigh, but I am seeing Paul, so there is that.

On a side note~the boy and I went to a production of A Christmas Carol.  Something struck me this time watching Scrooge and the ghosts, perhaps because I was watching it live, perhaps because of all the change floating around my life...both the things I am claiming to want to change and the promise of change.  So often, this transformation for Scrooge just doesn't fly for me.  I mean, I love the movies and the story anyway, but I just don't buy it.  It is too sudden~too complete~too perfect.  My friend Rod said to me, if you had 3 ghosts visit you....  I still think there would be a short term change and then he would slide back into old habits... oh there it is~it isn't a change in habits that I see portrayed on film or on the stage~we are asked to believe that the CORE of who Scrooge is changes.  

That's what I fight against...that's what doesn't ring true to me.  

I am not saying people cannot change, but what is it that we change?  Habits that hurt us....behavior that no longer works. Which is Super Duper important...I get that, I really do. I talk about how much I have changed over the last 3+ years...but I just told an old friend yesterday...I am still me through all of this.  I love life~prefer to see the good in people~I am a goof ball.  You know at the core..(I am an ass)... Becoming an athlete, learning to respect myself, all the other things I have changed....did not change my core....

~can we really change our leopard spots into tiger stripes?

and would I really want to?

Thursday, December 12, 2013

back squats, feelin' weak, wetting my pants....

No, not really on that last one... but my ass hurts after the last 2 Crossfit workouts.

Well, I think it is safe to say that I am back to doing Crossfit.  It is not every day...but 3 or 4 days.  Trying to get to they gym during the holidays and with all this additional therapy and court crap going on...well, I am gonna cut myself some slack and be happy with the 3 to 4 days.  And yes... I am seeing someone...after all my whining about talky talky therapy, something inside just finally said it was time, that and as I said before, all of the people in my life urging me to go. 

I am at a "Crisis" center....which means it is really NOT all talky talky therapy.  It is about skills and coping strategies.  10 sessions max.  Kinda like Crossfit~you know short, get to it, be done...

One of the things I have already learned since I started, directly affects my work in the gym, which is why I bring it up.  I had tried to use the gym as a pressure release point as I have before, as many of us do. What I have found over the last two months is that I go to the gym and I can't focus, I can't move well, I try to lift heavy and I give up, I can't even get myself to watch the training video I bought. I guess this is typical.  Not necessarily about the gym, but about activities or things that used to give you pleasure.  So maybe after some talky talky I'll get some focus back that I need to train...

Any whoooo

Back Squats 8×2 increasing
10 rounds for time:
Farmer’s walk (heavy) down
Sprint down & back
3x15 Weighted back Extentions & Toes to Bar

So Squats...I love squats. Well, that's not exactly news huh?

I was lifting alone...all the boys had grouped up and the ladies in class were...well, too short to share a rack. So I start at 95  Crazy heavy right?
235  Oh this feels kinda nice
275  hmmm should I go up?  When I looked at the board I thought 275 was a good goal. I'd have to get 20 more on. 
295  I did it and it wasn't even all that ugly!

The farmers walk..I didn't get too heavy..shoulder and all...and I was slow as shit...but I just kept moving.
The last shit...jesus can I be done yet.  I'll tell ya something, after this three part workout? I stank.
Oh I smelled bad. 

Press 3×5
Deadlifts 1×5
8 minute AMRAP
10 Overhead Squats @ 50% bodyweight
10 DB Push Press @ 50% of bodyweight

This was a cluster f&*k for me....all that shoulder. I had some amazing body work done in the morning too.  I had a difficult afternoon...but I made myself go, because for various reasons Tuesday was even worse than Wednesday.  I even managed to go to the 6:30 class...squeaked that workout in. Presses blow. So (no giggling), but I had to lift at 55...I made a crack about it near Kori and I could tell I kinda hurt her feelings. I explained it like this...for me being restricted to 55 pounds because I am hurt is like if someone told you, you can only run around the block, once.  You know it is all relative to our particular strengths. 

Deads....haven't dead lifted in a while...

Started at 125 then 175 then 225 Mark came over and told me (politely) to slow the f$^k down. Focus on from, each part of the form.  I asked him how many sets...he just said til its heavy but not so you have to drop the weight. So I did one more set at 255. Not huge, but I forgot how taxing a set of 5 can be!

The rest of the workout...sigh...I am working on not judging myself..I had tried to overhead squat just the bar in the warm up and it Mark told me to Front squat instead and for my Push presses...wanna know how heavy I went?


It worked though...the shoulder feels fine today...and Hell, I worked out.

I got some cheerleading from the sidelines from Will...reminding me to keep moving...which I needed, thank you very much and I got a good reminder about the self judgement I was feeling earlier.  As Kori was setting up, she kept saying...I can't do these, these are the worst movement, I am terrible at these, these are not my thing. Well shit, we were facing each other during the workout, so we could make faces at one another. I watched her.  She did the first 2 sets unbroken...deep squats too... so at some point during the end...I yelled at her, you better change your mind...this IS your thing, make it your move.  She looked great, she just doesn't know it. Do overhead squats suck? Yeah, but Kori really was either doing half her body weight or at least really close.  As I was saying it to her, I realized I did just the thing she did~earlier...

Both of us forgetting that the stuff we think we suck at we really don't, you know why? Because we are doing it at all...

And really Kori, you have beautiful overhead squats...but I'll always suck at running!  I'll just try to complain less, I promise.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

something else....

oh boy oh boy, I just discovered something that a fat, out of condition, shoulder injury ridden, mildly depressed highland athlete should never do.....

If you walk in the gym and the workout on the board makes no sense, sometimes it means fun....other times, like today....


Will says, "this is a typical parkour workout."  It's taking people 16-25 minutes to do.  I snipe, try 36 for me...I get that look from know that "stop it" look, or maybe it was the "that's ok if it takes that long look."

My gut told me to run screaming from the gym.

Run 800m
then 2 rounds of:
Quadrupedal Movement 35 steps
Quadrupedal Movement with a pushup each step 35 steps
Inch Worm, 35 steps
Squat with a jump x 20

I looked at Sheila and I said, "I have never wanted to leave the gym more than I do right now." She and I rowed instead of running.  The first QM I did bear crawls.  Not bad. Then on to the QM with a push up... I tried to do a frog like jump, but it hurt my shoulder, so I moved to the spider crawl, which allowed me to take direct pressure off of my shoulder.  Then the inch worms.

By far the worst part.

I was down to about number 27 or so, when I was doubled over, panting like the fat girl I am right now....wanting so much to stop.  When I heard the ugly voice I had not heard in a while.

"quit...who one cares if you finish know you can't should not be doing this...."

So what happens? My crazy lady comes out.  I stand up straight and say (oh probably a little to loud) "just shut up, stand up, and keep moving."

Got those done...on to my crappy jump squats...and back around to the top.  It is, as you can imagine, much worse the second time through. I am breaking the bear crawls into 10's, the push up things in to 7's then 5's then 3's.  Then the damn inch worms...again....

I think 3 at a time, then 2...then 1.  Will calls out to me a couple of times...keep moving Mona.  I know I know...I am fighting tears and the desire to just finish.

I get to the squats...yeah of course I am all alone at this point. The only thing that bothers me about that is that everyone can see how crappily I move.  Sigh...ego.

I can only do 3 at a time I hurt so much..I hear Brittany yelling encouragement. Sheila comes over to me for the last 10 and says she is gonna do them with me.  I love her for that.  It is shocking that the closer I got to finishing the more I want to quit.  I don't even think I thanked her for doing the extra squats with me.  Thanks Sheila...I know I had my eyes closed...but I think I may have walked away if you were not there.

So yeah...outta shape, depressed, chubby, middle aged, injured highland athlete, just getting back to the crossfit deal....when you hear the words...Parkour....give it a try.  I did finish...and you know, I  did it in under 36 minutes.  22:25 actually.