Friday, September 23, 2016

Day 2....and 4

Ok...did the other 2 of the 3 lifts to get the starting place. 

125 on the bench...WAY more than I expected.  Put 135 on the bar, I could have pushed it, but I chose to baby my shoulder instead.

Last night, Grant and I went to Westside...back squat.  Man oh man this one made me feel sad sad sad.305  and it felt heavy.  But, I had to put myself in check after a bit.  Yes it is 70 pounds less than in May, but...I didn't use a strap or a safety bar...I could get my shoulder in place.

That's progress!

I am a little sore, but I can move the arm today. 

again...progress. The total on the lifts this week? 

Dead 345
Bench 125
Squat  305

Well that's 775...I guess I can up my goal for December since I wanted 750 for the meet. I'll shoot for 800.  Or 805...

I videoed too...I am not getting as deep as I think.  Yea! video!  Good stuff to work on.
But it triggers my self loathing.  It just does.  I have an image in my noggin of what I look like...dang...that's off.

Oh well....what's that?  yeah..starting over....starting over.

Speaking of which....this is what I did last Sunday....

what's that?  A journal.

yup...I burned ALL of my journals.  I am not against fact I had journals in from the 1990's.  Recently I started looking at them...cracked off the dust and read.

It was sad.

Really sad.  The things I allowed...the things I felt for years and never fixed.

I realized that I wrote to express what couldn't be said out loud, but I think what happened in the process of putting it down was I THOUGHT it had been expressed or that I had been heard or taken care of.  In reality, I saw years and years of the same feelings of being ignored, made to feel small, being terribly lonely. 

I wondered too if I kept all these little books as some sort of proof of what I felt....not sure if that makes sense or not....but in the process of trying to insure that I knew what I felt was real, I wasn't letting it go.

I don't need the journals anymore to prove anything...I know who I was, things I felt, what was real in my experience of things.  If I hold onto these little books, it sorta feels like I am holding on to the pain. I am not lonely, I am not alone, I am not crazy, and I am not unloved anymore.

So....time to start over...again.

They burned...and I did and do feel a little lighter, and a little

Monday, September 19, 2016

Day 1

Testing week,  day one:

One rep on Dead
Crush Work
2000 meter row.

Not looking for much here...starting place.

Was hoping or 300 on the 345...I'll see how the shoulder feels later.  Tried 375, got it off the floor..but not up.

Hand squeezie thinggies...then.....

Rowing...lots of rowing.  2000 meters.  I have no reference point for this one. 

Got it in 9:40....that's like fucking cardio.

I was happy...still, I freak out about the heart.  UGH still.  I just told, are it's fast...duh...'s been a year.

I usually write on anniversaries of things....but....I dunno.

I asked if he wanted to stay married another year, he said that's good enough for me. He knows and I know and that's all.

Thursday, September 15, 2016


Numbers numbers.

Let's play a game.  For someone who says they don't like math I get caught up in numbers A LOT. 

Used to be the scale, oh fuck me it still it is more often inches on the field or pounds on a bar.  Ok Ok...back to the number in the title.  1000.

It's a random number...but something that seems like a good goal. 


Pounds in a powerlifting meet.

Not sure why I chose that's round and it sounds cool.

and.....I wasn't that far away from it.  It seemed attainable in a year or so.  As long as I did one thing...kept adding weight to the bar, a pound at a time. Oh...and stayed injury free. 

So....I added up my recent one rep maxes:

Bench 165
dead    405
squat   375

Oh  I was close...945...but but but...that would mean getting those numbers or more ALL IN THE SAME DAY.  That is silly.

But still, with consistent WAS possible.  Still might be, just not now.

So....other numbers.

11:  weeks of programming BJ is working on for me and number of weeks to my first real power lifting meet.

1: sketchy shoulder that I am being super careful with.

3: lifts I will be working on.

2: number of gyms I can work in.  :)

15: number of pounds I have lost this year.  Small but it is a start.

10: number of pounds I'd like to shave off while I am on this program.  Which, I know can be tricky when you are working on putting weight on the bar. BUT...I am not lifting like I was before I tore my shoulder.

750: the new total I think might be possible...but I won't really know 'til I start the programming whether or not the shoulder will be happy.

1000: number of steps that I need to take to get me to any of my goals. 

It will be all the little numbers, the little goals that will keep me on track and focused.

As for today?  BJ had me do rack pulls to see how the shoulder responds.  First pulls since I got hurt...and I fucking videoed it too....sets of 5, did most of them at 225.  It's on IG if you must know.

Yeah....I am going to commit to video at least once a week during this program.  GAG...

The only way to see what I am doing, right?  Ugh...

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Bench Press

As my friend Zoi put it, "last week was a cunt."

Ok, got that off my chest.

This week looks to be at least an asshole....but I am well enough to be in the gym.

Bench press today.

Yeah buddy, you heard me right...

3x5....felt good, shoulder feels good right now. The weight you ask? Is it polite to ask an old woman's weight?

75!  I had weight on the bar!!!

Then I did curls (sans mirror), flys, reverse flys, triceps extensions and a shit ton of mobility.

I will hold my judgement for how all this went for tonight or tomorrow morning.

As for right at this harry half second, I am going to jump on a (modified) training program for that powerlifting meet in December.  I'll always be working with some sort of injury, some sort of job crap, some sort of personal chaos, and days~weeks~months that are complete assholes.

Little steps help me see where I am...little steps move you up the path or down it as the case may be.

Little steps are all I have...and that just has to be enough right now.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Quickie update

I got a shoulder recovery PR last week I meant to tell you about.

I can pull a towel around myself after I shower.


It's huge in my book.

Also sheaf feels ok...not great, but ok.

Can't raise my arm for stones or weights, but I got this toweling off in the morning thing DOWN!

I am fighting a Grandma will get back at it soon.  I am looking forward to WestSide's new space.

And Emery is 1/2 way done with the legal name change stuff....that's huge.

Oh and towels...I'm not ready to throw that in just yet.