shhhh

 

 secrets

We all have secrets....that much I know....we all do.  Back in 2005 my friend Rod introduced me to Post Secret.

 

 Post Secret

I open this web site every Sunday...EVERY SUNDAY...and read secrets. I really think I have done this now for 18 years.  

Sometimes these are silly, sometimes heart breaking. 

But our secrets...I guess the same.  We have things we keep silent about that are silly or no big deal and...yea, they may or may not be heart breaking.  

I have never sent a postcard....but I have my secrets. I realize we all have of lots of things we never say, but they go away or don't mean much, but I think there are some secrets that weigh on us.  That's part of why people send their secrets to this site.  

Recently, I shared something I have never spoken aloud....I have indeed spoken in general terms about some of the things that happened to me as a child...but the details or some of them have just sat in my brain and even in my body since I was about 8. Well, on a road trip, Grant asked me a rather pointed question, and as is the way some times....I answered...but he asked a little more....and well, out some of it came.

It felt...odd...disturbing.... in how calmly I said certain things that I had previously KNOWN that if I spoke aloud my world would crumble.  Instead; I felt, as happens sometimes...a weight lifted from somewhere off myself. And, as no surprise to me, Grant just listened. Asked some questions, did not freak out or jump out of the truck...hahaha. There is something to sharing in a moving vehicle though, isn't there...you don't have to look directly at someone.  I know when the kids were younger, that is often when they would share the hard stuff.

Then.....oh my.....a few weeks later we were with some other folks and a conversation started about micro dosing mushrooms and why someone might benefit...and my panic went to 11.  I looked at this man who I had just told something I had never shared and was sure he was gonna drop it on the floor in front of other people.  I was sure that the "world would crumble." 

I felt bad later.  Truly.  When we left he knew...He could see it on my face probably. The fear, the lack of trust....but he didn't drop that shit on the floor.  He assured me he never would.  And I know that to be true.

Now.

But I didn't for that moment. 

I am pretty sure we have experienced a moment when someone lets something fly they didn't know was meant just for them, or worse (much worse) our secrets are used as a weapon against us.

So what is your point Mona?

I dunno.

I have started this blog a few times and I cannot remember my original intent.

I just feel grateful...for Post Secret, for finally feeling safe enough to let go of a "secret" I have held since I was 8, for the release that I feel in speaking it, and for the space that I was given in which to speak it.

Hopefully, you have that too.

Phoenix Highlights and something that is hard to share....

 

Phoenix Highlights and something that is hard to share....

I fell far far off the blogging habit...oh well. I had tried to work on a post about secrets and I just fell in a deep hole.  

Worried this one may do the same.

 

Had my first game of the season this past weekend.  The more seasoned ladies threw on Sunday, which meant I got to watch some of the Pro women throw...and some top level A's.  That is always a treat.  I mean I prefer throwing on Saturday, but  it was so fun to watch them throw. 

We started on caber...I freaking love caber.  The stick wasn't heavy, but she was long.  16' 6". I turned her 3 times with two of them being 12s.  Then stone...I've been working stone...but clearly not enough...I still, after all these years, don't get my hip around enough. But for a season starter...25+ and 30+ on open.  

Yuck.

Then, weight for distance....to say I was nervous was like a major understatement. This is the event in Aztec that finished tearing up my knee.  SO, first heavy...tentative, yes...did it hurt? no. I tried adding a little umph on throw number 2, got a little further...added a little more gas on number 3...47' 4.5...what what?

I asked them to hold the tape, cause I though that the record might be 47 10 or something...I was grateful the ladies didn't mind nor did Tom...turns out the record was 46+...so, yea...if everything weighs in and IF they take it, I may have set a record in my first game of the year.

But those of you who know me....know that for some reason....some stuff gets...buried, forgotten, or whatever.  So, all I know is that is what I threw and hopefully I can build on it.

Sadly...it got me a little excited for light weight...I got close but I wanted it too much and I messed up that one.  Again though, I got over 60, which I have been struggling with.  Grant thinks I am not "feeling the weight" on the back part of the swing.  I also saw from a photo that I need to get that hip further around.  

I have issues with my hip.  I have some nerve damage on the left side that perhaps never healed...I mean I was told it was "permanent" but I like to ignore those kinds of comments.

Hammer made me super sad.  I had such a great year last year on hammer...winding up for my firs throw...it feels good...I lose it into the cage..and strain my pec.  So...I never did settle down so hammers were sucky.

Then height....it was fun...really fun....it was all about the crowd.  I had some great throws but it didn't feel right to just push and go up...the old ladies really worked the crowd.  On WOB we had a couple of officers join us...and it was just fun.  There were people yelling..."I bet you can't get that...if you do I'll buy you a beer." And it was just right, you know...we are entertainment.  

I mean I know we have goals...but the crowd...that's what it is all about...(that dude did bring me a beer, so kudos to him for following through.) We had people hi fiving us and yelling and taking photos with us. 

That's the fucking gold right there....

So, I "have work to do," but more importantly; we have crowds to entertain!

Now for this crap that's been in my shitty brain for a bit.

It's early spring, so you know what that means? 

It's  Before and After season!

Sigh.

 First...lemme be clear...You do you.  If this makes ya happy go for it.  If you are super proud and wanna show off weight loss...GO FOR IT....

As for me, I am trying to unlearn some shit and for ME...I need to heal my relationship with food.  

And I don't mean that lightly.  I could write a whole lot about the things I learned as a kid, all the ways to hate my body, that I used food to feel in some sort of control since I was 3 or 4. But I won't go into it all here....just know I have been on and off and on diets or some such thing since I WAS 3 or 4...and was hospitalized for not eating at 4 years old and in my teens and early 20's I would play a game of "how long can I not eat food."   

That being said...I did this shit to myself well into my 50's....so here is my before and after photo.

 

Oh she looks great in that first photo doesn't she....I bet you might praise her for losing weight...and dang that second shot...well...she's let herself go.

Know the truth here?  That joy in the second photo was impossible for the woman in the first photo. I was working out 6 days a week...not in a joy filled way but as punishingly as possible. I had cut out gains, dairy, beans, most fruit.  I was dealing with suicidal thoughts around the time of that first photo, I was being belittled nearly daily, and I was often afraid of going home.

So what's healthier?

So what would you praise?

I dunno...I know I'm fat in that second photo...but I am more me than I have ever been...I love working out because I love to move and to build strength, not so I can be as small as possible....I eat and despite what someone who doesn't know me might think...I eat a shit ton of good for me food...both good nutrition and things that make me happy. I screwed with my metabolism for a very long time and I am working on fixing it....which means eating, not dieting.

I may always be a fat girl now because of all the years of dieting, but you know what? If I keep finding joy....so be it.

It's my joy Before and After.....