It's only a little ptsd....

I started doing crossfit, I think, in 2010...at a place called Undisputed Fitness...This place also had jiu jitsu, kick boxing, and regular old boxing.  After I had been doing crossfit a while, I decided I wanted to try boxing.  I have always had this desire to feel stronger...you know, stronger; like I could defend myself sort of stronger.  So I tried it.  I really really liked it.  Hitting the bag felt amazing...I felt like perhaps I was moving past some of the struggles I had about not knowing how to defend myself.  Then, after a few weeks, we moved into sparring. 

What I remember from that class was that I could sure take a punch.

My poor partner stood there saying, "it's ok, you can hit me."  I know...I tried.  I just tapped her...I couldn't do it.  I just stood there and took punches. 

I didn't go back....

I froze.

I always freeze.

Now I am even older and I am still struggling with the idea of being able to stay in my body long enough to defend myself....I am still dealing with the fall out from an assault.  After which I was told, "You are so 'strong' how is it possible that I assaulted you."  About a month ago, I had to pull off the highway because I was having a flashback that I couldn't shake and the sound of breaking glass...well...I completely disappear if I hear that. I am strong, if you ask me to carry in your 50 pound bag of dog food...but when it comes to my personal safety....well....yeah.

So why am I talking about this now?  Why share this?  Part of it is the Stanford case. All of the news, the outrage, the defense, the excuses..And, well all of the people I know, sharing...but, I just found myself shutting down yet again...hearing all the reasons that the things that happened to me didn't really happen...and I thought I would share what I am trying now.  Next month I am going to spend two weekends at an Impact training.

Impact

I saw that they were having a workshop specifically for people who had been involved in a crime.  Well...I saw it three separate times from three different sources.  I have this deal with myself, if something presents itself to me three times, I better pay attention.  So I applied.  The whole time I was applying, All I could hear in my head as, "oh please, it wasn't that bad. Other people have REALLY suffered. You could have stopped it at anytime if you were just stronger or better or...or..or..."  I sent it anyway.  Later, after I had forgotten about it...it showed up.  I got accepted. 

So now I have to go.

I want to....and I also don't.  I am afraid I will freak out completely or shut down and just stand there and "take punches" and later only feel like I am curled up in the corner.  Either way, I know I need to do more work.  And yes, before you ask...I have done traditional therapy...but I seem to hold this in my body...lifting helped in the aftermath, but I am finding that"nontraditional therapies" are working more effectively.  Energy work...Physical work...all that stuff.  So now...onto this direct method...this hands on 'real world' defense training.

So yes...I have PTSD...

I was diagnosed and everything.  

and no PTSD is a little, not when it's yours to deal with.

Thanks for listening to me...and for the support.  Hopefully, I will be able to write about the workshop...but maybe not and that's ok too.

down side

Was in the gym today...

Dead lift day.

BJ has me going back to the trusty 5x3....at 80%

Well...that just sucks now.

The downside of getting a new one rep max is the multiple lift percentage days.

I was supposed to lift at 325  5 sets of 3.   I saw stars after the first set.  HUGE rests...it was hard.  Really hard.

I got through 4 sets and went for the 5th....could not move the bar at all.

oh well....I have a new place to start.

Confession time.

I have gotten 2 pr's in two major lifts in the last month or so...but I don't think they are real.


Bear with me.

1.  They are never videoed or photographed....so did they happen? Kidding...
2. Ok...fuck me, I am in this place again...but I need to say this out loud.  I only lifted that weight because I am fat and I have gained weight.  Yes...this is what I am currently telling myself.

Then I saw some amazing videos posted by girls who powerlift....all sorts of shapes and sizes lifting and working and getting shit done. Again, I would never ever say to someone else that they only lifted something because they were big...or wrapped in bacon or chubby or whatever..but there it is. I say it to myself.

My lifts aren't real because I am not good enough, by body isn't good enough, I just got lucky, this doesn't take skill when I do it..if it did, I could lift more.

OH GOD SHUT UP.

I look like a middle aged woman who moves weight. And guess what? I fucking love it while I'm at it...squeezing my shoulders down, tightening that belt, feeling the bar press and the weight settle onti my back.  I really do.... So this is me right now and this is fine.

And I am strong(and not just for a girl or for an old woman)

Thanks for letting me vent....I know...I know.

Front squats tomorrow...

Saturday

Before it becomes a distant memory and fades into  that place of...that didn't really happen, I thought I should get down what happened on Saturday.

I have committed myself to the Saturday Team Workouts at Westside power gym for a month.  It's a whole different vibe than I am used to and I am a giant baby when it comes to going to the gym.  I don't really feel like I fit here, but I really like lots of these folks...so, like I said...gonna give it a try.  Sadly, the month will be split over more than a month because of training I have for work.

So Saturday comes...It is hard to wait til 6PM...I drag Grant with me and force him to work out because that habit fell away with the Festival.  I know we both struggle with consistency.  We show up a little late...the crew is already rockin' squats...

I jump in with a couple of the women.  I actually get a chance to chat with Lindsay....she's kinda amazing.  Had a knee replacement 2 years ago and she's banging out sets of 5 at 185 (I think).  Sam shows up a little after I do and the three of us lift together.  I decide to work some pause squats.  I get up to 275 (I think) and nearly get stuck at the bottom on the first one....It was funny.

Then I hear people muttering about deads.  OH.  Deads and squats...Sam wants to bench instead...I agree, but we stay and deadlift.  It was fun.  The three of us have a platform to ourselves, so there isn't the pressure to move aside for the boys...Hell...I realize with these two women I am lifting with...they would never feel the pressure to move aside for anyone.

I love that.

I decide kinda quickly that I don't want to do my programing...I don't want to do small jumps...so I decide to keep up with the group. 

Both of these women have BEAUTIFUL form....BEAUTIFUL.  They are powerlifters. 

So we load....load some more...then they are talking one reps....ok well..  I sit for a second, I feel ok...

I watch Lindsay break her PR twice....smooth as silk too.  Sam does too...she hitches a bit, but she CAN lift that weight.  We all talked about how numbers get stuck in our heads.

They load the bar for me....I lift, feels easy.  I think it is 345...it was 365...so...they encourage me to go up. 

385.  This will be a PR PR not just a post surgery PR....it goes up.  Um....easy too.  I mean NOT easy, but not grinding~ugly~killer. 

They all encourage another 20...Grant looks at me like, " what's your problem, it's just 20."

So...405.

I have dreamed of 400 for a long time....

If you look closely at this photo...that is me on the platform, in purple, setting up for the 405.

It goes up...and not grindy either....it goes up.

There was much laughing after that lift. 

More lifting...watched Rocky go for a one rep max too...it was a fun night.  I tried one more, cause Rocky wanted it on video...loaded 410 (I think) no go....I had rested too long I think....and I was too geeked. 

We left the gym and I thought...maybe I just found 2 more amazing women to lift with....

Maybe it's all in my head that I don't fit in with this group (I kinda knew that).  You just go and lift and my favorite part: watching other people lift. The joy when they get it, the frustration when they don't, the calls all around of "you will next time!" Encouraging these amazing ladies to just go for it....to sit and laugh about too much chalk and the struggles of wetting our pants while lifting. To throw off shoes for that max lift and feel strength all around. 

Maybe I'll give it more than a month.....

hearts

So, I was sent this photo a year ago. Jessica Jones sent it to me on the day before my heart surgery...

Cool....

Crazy and cool.  

At this time last year, I was busy worried about living through the surgery, prepping for post op, and wondering if I would ever feel good; much less strong, again. My life has shifted in crazy ways this year...most of which those of you who follow me already know.  

As for the surgery? As for my heart?  Is it healed....dunno, do our hearts ever heal or what does healing even mean?  Do I catch my heart racing sometimes...maybe...yes and no.  I know lots of it is stress from the fear of my heart not healing.  The fear.  Oh the fear.  At the same time my heart was breaking, I was trying to to open it up to allow for healing.  

Odd feeling.

Do I feel strong?

Define that too.

I could talk numbers and lifts or choices and fear.

All I know for right now, I am certain I have people in my life who will do what Jack is doing in the photo above...stand behind me and let me know that I am worth healing my heart. 

In all it's meanings and manifestations.