Friday, December 20, 2013

scotch tape

I highly recommend that if you want to read this blog today, that you grab a glass of's likely to be rambling and look much like the inside of my head.  The link below is to a blog written by my friend....this sparked something within me as I read it...which lead to another and another set of thoughts...

What I it enough...I mince words....I never fully name things....leaving lots of assumptions.  Why? It's my blog right?  I don't know that I can be scotch tape and if I can't, perhaps it's time to shut this silly little blog down...just go buy a journal and be done with the public part. 

Learned something terrible about myself on the solstice this year... I know I have made many choices based in fear over the years, hell many of us do.  What I think is me trying to keep the peace...well, that  is fear...I run...I ran and hid on Saturday night after what I perceived as long distance threats.  Peace? I don't give myself peace when I hide.  I'd really like to say I am done with that...make some huge declaration how I will never do that again....but that would just be words.  Seeing what is was? Well, I suppose that is a step in the right direction. Frankly I didn't see it.  I told my sister, I just don't want trouble, I am just trying to keep the peace...she is the one who called me on it.  She said this isn't about are scared. You got scared and you ran.  I did feel threatened...I did run....and then I a pile of pierogi and under my covers.

Below is a quote I had "liked" on Facebook that caused a problem and I made a choice to stay off for a while. I think it is alo why I have not been blogging.  Although I know, it isn't anyone's fault but is my continued reaction that fuels my fear~not what anyone else does or's me.  The care taking I do to keep peace? That is bullshit, it is part of a long term pattern that obviously has the opposite effect that I am searching for...oh, maybe I am the one who needs to be honest about how I am feeling...perhaps that would bring me peace.

"The real reason that some people are bad for you.

There are endless reasons why someone or some situation might be “bad for you.”

Subtle-but-perpetual criticism, toxic complaining, disconnection, narcissistic energy suckers, sheer boredom…

Take your pick of vibes that you’d rather not be around.

But a key reason that situations can be bad for you isn’t necessarily because of what a person or circumstance does “to you” — it’s how you will have to conform to the situation. The hurt happens when you shrink.

You will have to say less, dull your shine, pull in your power. You will play smaller, act dumber, mince your words.

You will restrain your magnificence — out of fear, or out of logic, or out of the intelligence to survive.

So it’s not about them, it’s about your response to them.

The next opportunity to meet, to work, to dine, to interact, to kiss, to speak, to spend, to serve (no matter how shiny, sexy, lucrative, coveted, necessary, obligatory or useful it may seem), ask yourself this:

Will I have to shrink to make this work?


Is this a place where I can expand?

Check your logic and call on your courage. Your heart’s intelligence will guide you.

Hang out where you can unfurl."  ~Danielle LaPorte

This least how I chose to read about...reaction. Not about people in my life at all.

Fear fear....oh.... I discovered something related to all of this over the weekend.  It's the myth I have created around "strong." 

I have somehow come to believe...for myself mind you...not for all of the strong people in my life, but for me to be "strong" came to mean:

Hide my feelings.
Cannot feel fear.
Cannot get hurt.
Do not get scared.

Real smart huh? Can I explain how I came to believe this for myself?  Did all the strong people in my life exhibit these traits? Um. Fuck no. So what in the hell was I doing holding myself to these ridiculous statements? 

I don't know.  I do know was hurting me.  I had it spilt open yesterday.  I admitted that I was scared...really scared and you know what? I freaking wept....not that I haven't cried a bit here and there, but I am talking something different.  I felt weak, scared, hurt, afraid...and I said it out loud, I embraced it....and I let it go.  I, at peace, and um, strong.

And you know what else I discovered? Even though I am the one in my marriage who asked for a separation in July...that doesn't mean I am not allowed to grieve for that marriage, that life, those dreams.  They were mine too....

I can't hide my feelings anymore, I am afraid, I hurt sometimes, and there are things that scare the shit out of me. But none of that diminishes my strength.  

I also threw this weekend...the most I have in a very long time.  And you know what? I was afraid to throw.  And I threw like crap. And now I am afraid of the games at the Arnold...there is no way I am gonna be ready....but, but, but, my shoulder doesn't hurt. So there is that.

I still don't know if I should keep writing....maybe this rambling will clear the decks for the training blogging I prefer to do...

Scotch tape....sigh....thanks Juli..I appreciate your "Scotch Tape~ness". I will just have to see where this goes.

Did ya finish that wine?

Oh. I also did a set of 2 back squats today at 285 that felt~easy.  Wheeeee!

1 comment:

  1. Posting my comment here instead of FB, for what I assume are obvious reasons… ;)

    This: "You will have to say less, dull your shine, pull in your power. You will play smaller, act dumber, mince your words. You will restrain your magnificence — out of fear, or out of logic, or out of the intelligence to survive. So it’s not about them, it’s about your response to them."

    This is it. This is why I'm leaving Corbett, this is why I left Jim.

    I'm not a little girl anymore, I am a woman who has shit to do. I'm tired of being held down from fear. And, that quote is exactly right. THAT is where the hurt comes from. That is where the stress and the panic come from. From trying NOT to be yourself and not "outshine" the other person.

    Fuck that.

    Be my partner. Walk beside me, or leave me the fuck alone. I'm tired of walking in front, being held back by someone grabbing me by the ankles and holding on as tightly as possible. And, the frustrating part is that they don't even realize they're doing it. So, they feel hurt.

    Do I feel badly about that? Not anymore. After begging and pleading for a partner, to not walk alone, and being told both times to "deal with it, this is who I am", I feel like I dealt with it accordingly.

    Of course you will grieve for your marriage. You are a human being with a tender heart. Thank god. Does that make you not strong? Of course not. Being strong is getting through each and every day, even when you don't feel like it. It is having the courage to be yourself…and we all like it when you are "yourself"… ;)

    Good blog. And, the wine was excellent. ;)