Thursday, April 19, 2018


The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Patience is a virtue too isn't it?


Can one have too much patience?  I know I have said before that I can be flexible until the point comes when I am flexed out.

Then there is the tale of Patient Griselda.

"In an envoy to The Clerk's Tale, Chaucer warns all husbands not to test the patience of their wives in the hope of finding another patient Griselda "for in certein, ye shal faille." Chaucer then warns all wives not to allow humility to nail shut their tongues for fear of finding themselves, like Chichevache, engulfed or swallowed up. Chaucer then advises wives to be like Echo, who never fled and always returned tit for tat."~yeah Cliff Notes (whatever)

Oh my..... I know Echo didn't have a voice of her own either, but....the point of "returning it tit for tat."  Hot damn....I do wonder how and why this developed in me...this ability to wait, to be flexible, to be patient...."good things come to those who wait" bullshit.  It must have worked in someways otherwise I would not go back to it over and over again.

But, I am tired that I think I have even forgotten what I thought I was supposed to wait for...

Oh...waiting for my voice to show up.


Thursday, April 5, 2018

out of this habit

Sigh,  I want to keep writing, but I am out of the habit.  And, well, I probably don't really have much to say.  Putting it down and getting feedback it good.  I like knowing that there is someone who tosses the same stuff around that I do sometimes.

Ok, I think in my last blog, or maybe the one before I yammered on about my weight...well, I am down a little more.  I feel a little better too,  Funny how there seems to be crossover points for me.  God knows weight is only one measurement.  I frankly much prefer measuring how much I put on the bar...but I also know when I have tipped over a certain point that I don't feel great.  Hence the tracking.  So I'm at 231 this morning... I still think I throw and lift some where closer to 220-225 so, I will keep on it.

What am I doing?


I haven't cut out fat, or fruit, or grains...Just mindful of wheat....and corn.  I discovered corn hates me.  Just like beans....beans loathe me.  Trying to eat a little less when I'm not actually hungry (wow..imagine that) and eat more protein when I am.

I love all the things that kick starting diets or lifestyles if you prefer can do...but I cannot sustain them, other can, but nope.  nopie. nope. nope. nope. not me.  And y'all know I love me a Whole 30 kick in the ass once i a while...but yeah. 

Thai food.
Good Pizza
pasta at Matucci's

So there it is.

I'm finally not wearing a knee brace all the time and I am pulling deads from the floor (not bodies you sicko)  I actually got a 300 dead this week and I have been much more consistently heading to the gym.

Keep telling myself I have to throw more, but it hasn't happened yet.  Tax season is a good excuse...been working more. transmission went on my car at the end of last week.  That was fun. On my morning commute too. Wheeee.

I am not resting enough. I am fighting too many battles right now.  Well, battles is way too strong a word, but I am fighting "too much stuff" sounds even dumber...more dumb?

So many of these things are born out of misplaced loyalty as well, which when I think too much about I makes me super tired. And, well, angry at myself.  I have this thing about kinda gets used as a weapon to keep people doing things from outside pressures, when the person knows full well it is no longer serving them. 

First time I chose this voice over my own (as an adult) was in Grad school.  I knew after my first year that it was a terrible fit.  But, I had made this choice and by god I was gonna follow through...  And boy it was the wrong choice.  Done it in many relationships as well.  One would think when your partner calls you and your children a "burden to his career" that one would leave, but no...I stayed at least 10 more years.  The cost of that loyalty to a vow that neither one of us upheld is incalculable.  Not to mention the financial burden I am still hauling around my neck. Loyalties to theater companies and jobs and even gyms.  Shit, I paid for a gym for almost a YEAR after I knew it wasn't somewhere I wanted to be, because? 

Oh...I allowed all of these things to become a part of my identity. I felt I belonged to something larger than myself; even as I was drained of who I am and the things I need.

So, driving Grant's big old truck up to Santa Fe these last few days, (my 1 hour commute turned into 2) I had a thought in my tiny brain....

It's time you learn to be loyal to you.

      *the quality of being loyal to someone or something.
 * a strong feeling of support or allegiance.


I wonder.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Back at Praxis

Got back to the gym yesterday. 

Felt knee isn't any worse off today than it was before I hit the gym, so I consider that progress.  BJ is being both cautious and pushing me, so of course there were squats, of the box variety...he just super set hem with calf stretches.  He also had me use the safety bar, but then I had 150 kettle bell swings....

I put a little more on the bar than I thought I might, so that felt good.....don't get excited...I put 100 pounds on it.  Still...that felt good too...

I will go back all week and just see where I am.  I also go back for more PT on Thursday.  I really get anxious working with's the damn dry needle stuff...and the hammering...and the yanking me around with her assistant.....but whatever, I am trying. Eric over at Iron Soul is right, you get to my age and there is always something you need worked on.

Paul is coming to practice this week too, to do a workshop and to work on the throwers...I'm super excited about this.

Still don't know how this year is gonna shake out, but I guess we never do, do we.

Been wondering about something lately.  When someone, anyone, does something "wrong" and they say, "I take full responsibility for my actions." what does that actually mean? I mean, we can't go back and change it mean, "I'll go ahead and feel guilty about this for how ever long."

Does it mean that you don't require the other party involved to look at their part in things, or at the nuances of "how things happen?"

I mean, I get it, how crappy it feels when you are on the receiving end of a "non" apology.  But how do I, or how does anyone "take full responsibility."  I mean, I can look at my life and say, "yes, I did that thing that caused hurt..." but what then.  I guess some of that means possibly letting go of ever being heard or understood by the people you hurt, it really is up to someone else to let that go too, isn't it? They don't have to...up to them.

And frankly, I am sorta sick of hearing how there are certain things that are deemed "THE WORST." Interpersonal relationships and much more complex than that.  But perhaps that is just a pile of excuses on my part...and that is me not "taking full responsibility."  Or perhaps my deeply ingrained Catholic guilt is simply winning after all these years.  No apology can ever be enough, because *I* was never enough.

Maybe that is why this is bugging me so much right now.  The "not good enough" shit that was given to me and that later in my life I CHOSE to keep all over my mind~body~soul is finally starting to peal away.

Sadly, it's like an old worn sweater that I keep thinking feels good, when it really just lets in the cold air and is frankly making my neck itch.  I will never be one of those MEMES:
I joke and like these and with I was more like this...but I'm not.

No bad ass warrior goddess viking strong don't fuck with me woman here. I love those of you who are...but I fall far short of that. I would like to stop feeling guilt or at fault for everything...even the big stuff I did, and do, and will do in the future...It would be good for me to let some of that go too.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Fire hose

From two different sources this weekend I heard the following phrase, "I feel like I have been drinking from a fire hose the last couple of months."

I'm not saying I've never heard that phrase before, but it is not a super familiar phrase. But it just sunk into me...

Perhaps I simply heard it for the first time if that makes any sense.

and...well....I, too, have been drinking from the fire hose.

As I was driving back from Denver on Monday...I realized that I've been choosing to stand in front of this fire hose for a long damn time.  Like, a couple of different one's, but none the less....choosing to "wharrgarbl" for years....

Yeah, I said it.  Years.

Some thins were not "mine", but I am still the one who chose to stand there.


I guess I should write about training...oh, I haven't been because I got hurt...again  (hi fire hose)

Or maybe my wacky dislocated fibula?


Or Phoenix.


That was something.  I think I am finally letting go...or something.  I was exhausted. I was on a film set until 11PM on Friday and then Grant picked me up and we (HE) drove all night to Phoenix. Grant took a 20 minute nap and we headed to the field.

And you know....I just had a lot of fun.  I saw people I miss a ton. I let go of expectations, of my throwing, of what other people say, or how I am supposed to be.

I just had fun again in the way I had fun when I had first started throwing.

That. Is. The. Best. I am going to the PT woman again today...Charlsey at Elite Ortho-Therapy ...see if we can get this knee back in where it is supposed to be.  She actually used a hammer last time.



And I wanna thank BJ....he worked with me again today...get me restarted...again...which as he said is better than nothing.

So I feel weak...and fragile.

But at least I don't have to stand in front of someone else's fire hose any more.

Monday, February 26, 2018

Numbers (again, lots of my old blogs are called this....)

I stumbled on this new site for highland athletes:

Highland Athlete Site

It is really nice, user friendly etc.  The interesting piece, as opposed to the NASGA score site, is that Dan has set up a place for athlete profiles.  Pretty cool.. It is super helpful because you can put in all time bests AND best for different classes....and also there is a place to track your lifts.

I tend to have little scraps of paper that get crumpled and lost and I never really know when I hit things or blah blah blah...So I think it will be a great tool to track that kinda stuff..

Ahhhh numbers...

glorious numbers....


Since the scrap paper method wasn't really working, I spent some time combing thought NASGA and my Train Heroic App to gather...numbers. I probably spent too much time...but whatever...I am injured and crabby so sue me.  I saw something interesting....

I feel weak and shitty and generally weak...but guess what some of these numbers showed...well, lots of my best lifts were AFTER my heart surgery....and some of my best throws were too.

That's a weird discovery to me.


I used to joke with Chuck that I had until 50 to get any sort of life time pr's on anything...and then after my heart surgery, I just figured I was pretty much, I dunno, needed to "let go". Or back off or who the Hell knows. 

Stupid too, cause I know some wickedly strong women over 50 who are setting the bar higher and higher for themselves every day. 

So what's the deal Malec? 

I mean I get the energy and the focus thing..I don't have it right now to focus on the games or lifting or even acting right now, but seriously?  I think it might have to do with that little ghost of my Father's death at age 49....

see....times up at 50.

Oh...well, I made it to

What's next?