Friday, June 22, 2018

Working out.

I am trying to get back on track...again...but I am not even sure where the track is anymore. 

I have been better about hitting the gym on Thursday when I know I will be out of town for the weekend, so I suppose I found a spur that might lead to the track.  I have spent the last 4 or so years off track with fitness and throwing goals; but you know, I keep "trying." I am thinking, at least today, that is enough.

BJ has been experimenting on me...lots of "off-set" squats and deads as well as a bunch of one leg or one arm movements.  Yesterday was kinda rough, but I am finding myself a different sort of sore in the gym....and old sort of sore. Perhaps the is yet another spur that may or may not lead back to the track.

As for Pikes....I really love being up there, with all those CO throwers and a good showing of NM people too.  Love the old women group.  It;s fun to see how much the game has changed since I first went.  They used to struggle to get one very mixed class,now there are 3 classes for women.

I had a really great time getting some more sheaf tips.  Lucky for me Mike Dickens videoed a couple of my throws and showed them to Chad....there was a weird thing I was doing with my feet that Mike saw and Chad being the smart cookie he is; was able to explain, in watered down physics terms, why it wasn't necessarily working for me...The last throw was big...It didn't clear the bar because it was in front....but it was easy and big.

Teresa was also trying to help me a bit on stone.  I know the basics of what I was screwing up.  Frankly, I have no idea how I started to throw so screwy, but the point now is to correct it.  Maybe I'll get back to throwing stone like I did 6 years ago.... 

So wonderful that spirit in these games.  God knows, there are folks out there that aren't like that, but mostly....yeah.....mostly they are.  I can't ever throw like these top throwers, but I am not meant to.  What these amazing throwers give me, is information that may help me be the best throw I can be. 

That IS what I am mean to be/do...the best that I can.

Not sure I will ever get there, I mean, if we every get where we are going, doesn't that mean we are in danger of stopping?  My goals need to be a moving, flexible target.

That's the great thing about throwing with Edie and Teresa and Beth and Rachel and Cindy and so many more that I can't get all your names on here; I get to keep learning, keep reaching, keep exploring what I may be able to achieve some day.

So thanks. 

I am still struggling with the concept of self care that Emery has encouraged me to get after...but I don't know what that is yet...but I do know that too, will be a moving, flexible target.

I'll write about that another day maybe, as t=for this weekend, we have a demo in Cortez....sheaf, WOB and caber. It'll be a good chance to work on my wonkie feet and maybe fix the disaster that has become my WOB. Gotta relax too....hmmmmm.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Old stories and old apologies

First things First...Emery is recovering fantastically!

Ok...I've been wanting to write about something since the day of surgery, but I wasn't sure how without coming off as an asshole.  After Emery and I said our "see you laters" and the wheeled him off I got a phone call. 

From Emery's Dad.

To say that most conversations with him over the last few years have been challenging would be the nicest way to say it.  But, I decided to answer anyway.  I mean I had been keeping him up to date on the surgery stuff and I had JUST sent him a video before Emery went in, so....deep breath...answer the phone.

We were on the phone for probably an hour. 

It was the first time he ever asked how I felt about Emery's transition, we talked about Kegan and the choices he is making right now, we talked about mistakes we both made, and we talked in a small way about how to move forward. 

He also apologized to me. 

I don't remember all of it; nor could I ever give anyone a play by play, but it left me a bit shaken.  I was grateful for the call, more grateful that he and I could talk; really talk and DISCUSS our children. OUR children.

But it also left me a little sad for the things that never were, that never happened, that never could be. Do I think everything is miraculously healed? No. Well, me, I DID have that thought for like 5 minutes....but, I will take that connection and leave it where it was, in that moment.  In that very particular moment everything that happened was real and heartfelt.  It is also important for me to leave it and not expect anything more.

And then Grant posted this:

A man saw a snake being burned to death and decided to take it out of the fire. When he did, the snake bit him. The bite caused excruciating pain, the man dropped the snake, and the reptile fell right back into the fire. The man tried to pull it out again and again the snake bit him. 

Someone who was watching approached the man and said:
“Excuse me, but don't you understand that every time you try to get the snake out of the fire, it's going to bite you? Why are you being stubborn?”

The man replied:
“The nature of the snake is to bite, but that's not gonna change my nature, which is to help.”

So, with the help of a metal pole, the man took the snake out of the fire and saved its life.

Do not change your nature simply because someone harms you. Do not lose your essence, only take precautions. Worry more about your conscience than your reputation. Your conscience is what you are, and your reputation is simply what others think of you - and what other people think is not your problem... it's theirs.

 ...and something about it really just tugged at me.   I have read it before, but this hit me differently.

Now don't get your panties in a twist, I am NOT calling him the snake or me the snake, what struck me is the nature of who we are issue. 

Do not change your nature simply because someone harms you. Do not lose your essence, only take precautions. Worry more about your conscience than your reputation. Your conscience is what you are, and your reputation is simply what others think of you - and what other people think is not your problem... it's theirs.

We hurt one another, but it is better for us, for our children if we can have more conversations like we had last week and best for us and our children if we can be who we are...if we honor our natures...and our children's too. 

We don't have to lash out, we just simply need to be who we are.

Oh, this is an athletic blog right...ok  I worked out a little this week and I moved my office and I have a game on Saturday....and BJ hates me 'cause freakin' split squats...

Did I cover it?  Cool.

and thank you...for reading.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Post something or another...

I had a thought, shocking right, after I posted last time...about the whole selfie thing.  The thing is, when I go for months, years, without seeing an image of myself, I forget what I look like.  I expect my external to match what I feel.  And, well, it doesn't.

That what this project is giving me....otherwise, I am not really aging gracefully because I cannot match what I feel with the changes time has brought.

So vanity, maybe....but it's different somehow.  I would be "shocked" with how I looked in photos because I hadn't looked in so long.  There it is, I'm trying to see how I actually look.

And I need new head shots....'cause, yeah....  😊

Emery's surgery when well.  His healing is going better.  Three days in though and he has hit that point of feeling like he got hit by a semi truck.  But he is good. He wrote me a letter to read while he was in surgery and given my history of people who write me long letters....well, it wasn't like that at all.  It reminded me how important writing things down can be, they don't have to be hideous "fuck you" letters from people who are too scared to talk things out.

I will only share this, since the rest is between my son and I, he thinks I need to take better care of myself, to care for me like I have cared for him and his brother.

Oh this kid.

We went to the surgeon yesterday to change bandages and to check the incision.  I have had this moment in my head and in my subconscious for quite some time.  I know how I have reacted at other milestones on this journey,  I have sometimes turned my head and cried or cried later or let it all out to Grant or whatever. As the surgeon began unpacking the bandages and his new chest was mostly revealed, I felt something different, I felt a wave of relief.  I looked at those long scars, beautifully straight and clean; and knew, felt, gratitude.

This is beautiful.
This is right.
This is Emery.

I realized later that the other times I had cried were not really grief as I had thought, they were tears for the long painful journey this child of mine had to take to becoming.

The journey doesn't end of course, but rather this is yet another starting point...and the beautiful thing is Emery knows this....the journey continues, but this week, this work, this surgery is a launch point.  Emery is right, it is time I let a lot of things go, fear, hurts, regrets, and responsibility for how everyone else felt or feels.  And our journey continues too, as Mother and Son.  We know we are never "done." This kid, more than any other lesson in my life really embodies the idea that you aren't done when you reach a goal, even a momentous one such as this. We are not suddenly "ok" if we reach a certain weight, or amount in the bank, or have a partner, or have that degree, or win whatever we are trying to win; we are "ok" only if we keep working on becoming,

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Current Projects.

Some of you lovely folks follow me on Instagram; so you already know this, but I have started a selfie thing...I realized I have sorta made myself the butt of jokes because I always hide in the back of group photos, or run from the camera, or ask people not to take a photo.  So after the game in ABQ, I am cruising Facebook and enjoying all the photos and I realize that people really DO listen to me....there really aren't any photos. And hell I hate most photos of me anyway. 

Then I got super bugged at myself.

So the selfie....

I read something years ago about how the rise in selfies actually helped people control their own they are seen....through their own lens as opposed to the cultural lens of thin and young equals self worth.

So, I am a little old for this shit...but I am trying.  I only posted one so far that had a crazy filter on it.  Which was with my friend Robin, Jesus that made us laugh!  I even posted one today that was like a terrifying full body shot...

I've tried this before with a mirror, forcing myself to look in a mirror..but I dunno, I didn't shift the way I saw myself at all...but using this app to try to post a photo everyday for a while...of me is interesting.  Learning to just

Hopefully, I will graduate to posting videos of working out crap again too...

It's weird.  I am not sure what happened.  I mean, if you look through this blog...I have some great photos that I love of me.

Ok ok  Blah Blah Blah...  Look for me on Instagram,  if you wanna see my face.  @monamcgiggles

Second project for the summer?

Ready for this one?


No, I am not going Vegan.

But I decided to cut out the booze, all of it, for the summer.  Yeah, right as games season started.  In fact, right before the game in ABQ.  Grant even said, you wanna start after the game?  Naw...there was a little voice that said..."Sober Summer" and unlike that other voice I wrote about last time; this one was me. And is kind and not an asshole.

It was starting to feel like a bit of a crutch. Oh I'm a little stressed, have some wine. Oh this is a little to hard to look at, have a whisky. 

So please, DO invite me out for a beer, but make sure they have good food...and I'll drive you home if I need to. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Wrap Up

 Something about the number seven, isn't there?  This weekend was the "start" of my seventh year in the highland games.  It was a very different game in some ways, but...mostly the same energy, support, excitement.  For those of you who know me or have read this blog for a least at this game I had shorts to wear under my kilt.

The thing that struck me over the weekend, aside from the sheer number of athletes, was the numbers of throwers that were families of throwers.  It really was beautiful.  Couples, moms and their kids, siblings, siblings and their dads who judge, dads and daughters, and we all know the grandma, daughter, granddaughter, and dad too.

Before the game I had posted a photo of my son and I on Facebook from 2012 when he competed with me, boy do those days seem long ago and far away. 

There are always so many people to thank...that I know I will forget some...Chad and Lara getting this game grown to over 100 athletes....all the judges and the huge number of people who helped with set up and tear down and athletes who stayed an extra day on the field to mark...and fix those sheaf standards.

As for me...well, how was my game? 

It was a typical game...some good stuff, some not so good.  I wanna shout out to Mike and Teresa for pointing out some really shitty things I am doing when I throw, of course, they didn't say it that way...but yeah....the generosity is part of what I love about some of you guys.  I watched Sarah and Donna get this fierce competition going while also supporting the hell out of one another....go women's 70 class! And Michelle...I love that woman...She was there for my first game too...and I love the firm but gentle way she deals with mistakes...and her joy.

I realized something too...I am having major issues with speed and power.  I think tons of it comes from all the "guarding" I have done as I heal from shoulder and elbow and knee and heart stuff.  But, I think I am ready to move on....let go of holding on...or some such thing. 

The last 7 years have been hard...very hard....and at the end of the day it all washed over me.  I happened to come in second, just like my first game in ABQ. I was thrilled.  You know, I was throwing against Edie and Teresa...I mean Teresa holds like every record there is in two classes.  And well, she threw two world records in this game too...breaking her own records of course! There was one moment during hammers when I was watching Edie and Teresa talking to one another and working some form stuff...their backs...and arms...and my god.  Sorry....goddesses.

Anyhoooo...I was thrilled to take second. Fucking thrilled....then all of a sudden something shifted and I had to get out of there. 

I heard a voice. 

"oh first loser again"

Yeah....I kinda quickly gathered my stuff up because I felt like I just disappointed everyone, like there was this pressure to have been worth more...because I heard his voice again.... "oh first loser again."  I gathered my stuff up and was walking away and I heard competing voices....Grant was calling my name, but all I could hear was the other person..."They don't really want you here, first loser.  Can't you take a joke?"

Grant yelled for me to stop, I finally heard only him and he told me he was proud of me...and over the top...I hear it again.

Well, can you guess what happened?  I lose my shit.  I can't even explain to Grant what is happening because I don't even really understand it myself....Standing there in the middle of balloon fiesta park crying like an idiot over something I can't even put into words. 

I don't fucking care about placements...I only care about how I am throwing....but there I am, feeling worthless and hearing that voice...that person who could not stand to have me be seen or heard; louder than my own voice, screaming me down...again...still.

When will these words, those actions leave my bones, get off my skin?

Maybe the number 7 will be magic...maybe this will be the year; my 7th year throwing, that the shift I need to silence his voice will happen.  I don't need it, I never did....and I sure as hell don't now.

What's next?  Well...Imma work on stones...Mike and Teresa pushed me and helped me see what I was doing....and, well...speed.  Yea....speed.  And...leaving that voice in the fucking dust as I speed right past...the past...