Friday, May 11, 2018

stolen letter.

I stole this last year from someone else, but whatever, I am not a writer.....  I know, I know, Emery is a little young yet really and Kegan; well, yes I am aware that he wouldn't ask me what I wanted for Mother's Day on a bet. You know, since I don't exist.

But in time perhaps...and who knows; perhaps just putting this out in the world he will know this somewhere deep in is subconscious.  Or, perhaps I am just full of shit Pollyanna (most likely option).

Every year my children used to ask me the same question. After thinking about it, I decided I'd give them my real answer:

What do I want for Mother's Day? I want you. I want you to keep coming around, I want you to bring your kids around, I want you to ask me questions, ask my advice, tell me your problems, ask for my opinion, ask for my help. I want you to come over and rant about your problems, rant about life, whatever. Tell me about your job, your worries, your kids, your fur babies. I want you to continue sharing your life with me. Come over and laugh with me, or laugh at me, I don't care. Hearing you laugh is music to me.

I spent the better part of my life raising you the best way I knew how. Now, give me time to sit back and admire my work.
Raid my refrigerator, help yourself, I really don't mind. In fact, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I want you to spend your money making a better life for you and your family, I have the things I need. I want to see you happy and healthy. When you ask me what I want for Mother's Day, I say "nothing" because you've already been giving me my gift all year. I want you. Even if you don't think you need or want me anymore.

I love you both in ways that I didn't understand I could even love until I looked in your eyes.  I pray for you in the same way I had since you were just a tiny group of cells growing inside me, that you find hope, that you find joy, that you find resilience, and that you know love.  

I hope you both knew and know my love for you started long before I knew you and will last past my death.


Wednesday, May 2, 2018

met, not met

 reminder of the weekend's goal, or my goals for last weekend:

  1. Have a delicious Italian Meal on Friday with the fantastic Dr. Ahtone.
  2. Sing too loudly to music while we drive to OK.
  3. Take an Epsom salt bath post competition.
  4. Have a blast reconnecting with some throwers I haven't seen in years and years!
  5. Not have a migraine.
  6. Keep the anxiety in a nice pillow fort.
  7. Let go and have fun.
  8. Keep my shoulder happy.
  9. Keep my knee happy.
  10. Just throw.

I missed a couple of these.  There was no tub in our hotel room and I did not sing...had a little trouble with #6 as well....

I had a lovely night with my Dr friend, during which we began to talk about our retirement (HA) and how we will have tiny houses next to one another.  Probably with a 'grocery store' in between us.

I also got to see a few women I haven't seen in so so very long. Terri, Keli, Rosie, Jera.  I wish I was a real writer so I could put into words how it felt to be around these women again.  A lifetime of changes have happened since I have seen them, and there was an odd feeling of nervousness on my part to see them again.  As soon as I saw Terri's face and she looked straight at me, I knew.  Keli too....

It was a bit of a long day, but Johnathan  made sure there was water, great food, beer, and loads fun....and well, good competition too.

As for throwing?  Thankfully there were some great shots of my not so great form.  Really really good to see that.  Not crappy form, just....I could see that I am not doing somethings with my body that I need to do...or that I thought I was doing.  I'm really grateful to Larry Ventress for the photos.

Also watched a video or two... saw some things I am doing well in sheaf...and things I need more of. 

Hit the bar in the corner at 25 with not nearly enough

I hate photos and videos of myself, so I often never watch or wait too long to watch. 

So....I have a "game" this weekend and on the 19th...I will stay focused on form.  All I can do.  I also realized how SLOW I have gotten while throwing.  Between the torn up shoulder, the elbow injury last year and the dislocated fibula a few moths ago....I have been throwing from a protective place.  And, well, that's just what it is right now.  I had one final turn on a light hammer when I felt real speed and I thought....yes...that's what's missing.

The verge of chaos....the passion. 

Oh, yeah, there's the answer....Spoke with Terri a little about it.  There is only so much we can spend our time on.  So, I am not spending the time and that's ok.  It has been a long time, because there was a time that throwing was the only thing keeping me sane and safe. 

Am I jealous of the people I see who can?  Hmmm, I thought about this a lot recently, and it isn't jealousy really or envy, it's enviable, but it really is admiration.  I have written before about how I miss being strong or being a good thrower, but if I had to go back to the place I was before in order to throw how I "used to;" I would chose to throw mediocre and even crappy for the rest of my days.

Pain brought me more chaos than I ever want to see again...and this love I work on now, well....ya can't measure that in feet or inches.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018


Goals Goals...

I used to post some tentative goals as I was prepping for a game...

So here they are for the Iron Thistle in Oklahoma  (in no particular order)

  1. Have a delicious Italian Meal on Friday with the fantastic Dr. Ahtone.
  2. Sing too loudly to music while we drive to OK.
  3. Take an Epsom salt bath post competition.
  4. Have a blast reconnecting with some throwers I haven't seen in years and years!
  5. Not have a migraine.
  6. Keep the anxiety in a nice pillow fort.
  7. Let go and have fun.
  8. Keep my shoulder happy.
  9. Keep my knee happy.
  10. Just throw.

Numbers?  Throws?


I'd just like to throw well, you know, in terms of form.  I'm trying to get back to more regular competing this year.

The expectations I throw all over myself may or may not come this year.   Don't get me wrong...I have goals....but I am also trying to see who I am right now.

Ok Ok, I told Chad that even though I am in a new class...I'd like a PR...not just a "I'm 50 now-here are my new class Pr's"  I mean I'm always down for those...but...

That 90 on light hammer still lives in my head.


Old ladies can dream too....

Monday, April 23, 2018

Not Ready

Going to The Iron Thistle this weekend. 

Last time I was at this game...2012?!

And just like then, I am feeling terribly unpaired.  Not just about my lack of practice and focus...but all of it.  I don't even know what I mean by that, soooooo  that's helpful.

I could ask for help, but I don't even know what to ask for.  Ha!  All I know is I have been having more and more frequent anxiety that is longer and more severe, and I hate it.

Again...I cannot even point to any one thing I am "not dealing  with" .... I see those things, I am not ignoring them. But it isn't letting up and I am getting both annoyed and a little scared.

So, yeah. Not "ready" for this crap either. 

Thursday, April 19, 2018


The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Patience is a virtue too isn't it?


Can one have too much patience?  I know I have said before that I can be flexible until the point comes when I am flexed out.

Then there is the tale of Patient Griselda.

"In an envoy to The Clerk's Tale, Chaucer warns all husbands not to test the patience of their wives in the hope of finding another patient Griselda "for in certein, ye shal faille." Chaucer then warns all wives not to allow humility to nail shut their tongues for fear of finding themselves, like Chichevache, engulfed or swallowed up. Chaucer then advises wives to be like Echo, who never fled and always returned tit for tat."~yeah Cliff Notes (whatever)

Oh my..... I know Echo didn't have a voice of her own either, but....the point of "returning it tit for tat."  Hot damn....I do wonder how and why this developed in me...this ability to wait, to be flexible, to be patient...."good things come to those who wait" bullshit.  It must have worked in someways otherwise I would not go back to it over and over again.

But, I am tired that I think I have even forgotten what I thought I was supposed to wait for...

Oh...waiting for my voice to show up.