Black & Yellow.

In the gym the other day...not one of my typical days.  I am slogging away at my 5x5 dead lift thingy...feeling, burned out frankly.  Been a STRUGGLE to get things done that I like doing for myself. Standing in front of that 375 thinking I have seriously bit off more than I can chew this spring.  

I like all the things I have to do...but it is toooooo many.

Anyhoooo  Standing in front of that bar when I see a young guy in black and yellow get on a bike.  I do a set...look up again and there is a group of three....in black and yellow.  I wrap up the lifts head over for some mobility and a group of like 8 guys...yes....black & yellow.....I am working on that IT band...and yes another group...the largest, comes in.

It's New Mexico United day....at the gym.

Since I was right there in the mobility pit, I watched a group of them for a bit.  Now keep in mind, the trainers had split this group of black & yellows into 3 groups, so there were like 8 dudes working mobility.  I noticed something, the younger guys; well, they were awkward.  Yea...I KNOW...they are professional athletes, like how dare I...but seriously.  I know these guys move on the field, but with the mobility stuff....the younger guys were struggling.  

Of course the coaches were coachin' and working with them...but they reminded me of great dane puppies.  Big, strong, but they still don't quite know how to make it all work smooooothly. 

Honestly, it was pretty cool to see.  The older guys had a different kind of handle on their movement.  A more settled way of moving.  I know these young guys will get it and it's why they work with more than just their coaches on the field...that's why they have strength and conditioning and mobility coaches. It makes them better players and helps prevent injuries too.

 

I don't know, I just wanted to share...black & yellow....

 

I have missed writing...but...sigh....

Letters.

 About 2 weeks ago I went out to get the mail. Flippin through the tiny stack, I see a hand written address. I look at the return address and it is from my gym.  Oh my.  Hilarious that my first thought was, "oh no, what did I do?"  

I used to say this all of the time when BJ was training me as well....I was just waiting for the last stupid or weird thing I did that would make him want to find a new place to train. Now it has just become a weird thing I say all the time. 

Since moving over to Elevate, I don't say it all the time; but I do think it sometimes.

I really love the work that is done over there.  I love watching the coaches with others and I love what they have done with me. Honestly, working with my coach on goals has been super helpful...I even met a few of my throwing goals this past season...I have seen lots of the posts for athletes that work with the coaches at Elevate and it is great to see both the breadth and depth of the athletes they train.

The level of work that this organization does is kinda mind boggling.  Remember I wrote a while back about the physical mobility testing they did on me?  Well, the gym posted recently that a team of them were doing the same assessments on the team at Brooks Beasts Running....yea....prepping runners for Paris 2024.

The list of athletes they work with is pretty impressive.

But, the work that I see them do with people post surgery, heck, pre surgery too...and kids....and old folks like me....that is even more impressive.

Made me feel like, something switch in me recently, like....I need to be giving back as much as they are willing to throw at me.  I have really been struggling with staying or becoming focused...or whatever....probably like lots of people since say...oh ....2020.  I mean, I work hard in the gym, I do....and maybe that isn't gonna change, but something in my tiny brain has been shifting in the last few weeks.  I have a suspicion that a lot of the shift is due to that assessment and the planning I did with Johnny and Adrian.

I think back to the day I went in for my first meeting there.  I still sorta feel sorry that Johnny got stuck with me, I mean I am happy with being coached by him.....I just know I am a pain in the ass.  I mean I was sooooo guarded and a crabby old bitch the day I met him.  What a good sport.

 I do have fewer athletic goals this year, as I am working with Theater Grotessco on a piece and trying to look at whether or not we can work on MBT again...so fewer throwing goals...but I have pretty clear physical goals anyway...and this switch that has happened, will help.  I know that what I am looking for this year is being more present in my body, focusing on mobility and really listening to what makes me feel healthy.

Anyway....what was the point of this blog today?  

I dunno....I just wanted to give a shout out to my gym and my coaches....they rock.

Elevate

Weird year

Hhmmmmm, so, a recap?  What was my year like?  Throwing and training only please...PULEASE...

 

I trained so much for strength in the "off season."  I always have thought this is the way. It sorta is...I know, I know, I am doing something different this year. Y'all ready know this.  But this year...I did pull a lifetime dead at 435....Part of me wants to keep on that...but I know it isn't what I need right now.

I will admit, I had some huge goals for myself this year.  My season started off pretty strong too.  The coolest thing being a personal record on sheaf...But even in Phoenix...I pushed out my heavy weight further than I had in quite some time, mainly out of spite; but that was a me problem...  😁

So I prepped this year and wanted some things, was headed toward those things...then....well,

Stuff.

Trying to throw and help Grant run Rio Grande put throwing, well...on the back burner.  I was trying to keep up with social media stuff, which was new for me....as well as all sorts of details behind the scenes, including some hostile moves from, well not completely unexpected places...SO, once we wrapped things up, we were focused on Norway....lucky us!!

Thinking I need a game before Norway, we head to Cheyenne.  A bit of a loooong drive, but I am glad we finally got up there.  But what did I do in Cheyenne?  Right...I wanted to get that 28 on sheaf..so badly, that I hurt my back.  I really did a number on it.

Worked as hard as I could (and spent all our spending money) on PT and massage leading up to Norway. Traveled with a nasty back.  Throwing was painful in Norway....but I spent more of our travel money on massage there as well....My back finally eased up a little.  The final day wasn't spent in tears.  

But in Norway, a new theme emerged for the season.  

People talking shit about me.

You'd think at 55, that this shit would roll right off my ass....but my dear friends...it did not.  I am not sure if it was just my head space or just work I still needed to do coming to slap me in the face, but there it was. In this lovely space, this peaceful field that I have a huge soft spot for; someone within ear shot, laughing at me and saying...full voice..."you aren't ever gonna be as good as.....(blah blah blah)".  While I know that doesn't matter, because I am there to throw for me...it stung this time in a way I cannot explain. Hearing those disparaging remarks plastered against the background of this place I have given too much emotional investment to perhaps....kinda let myself get cracked by that a bit.  

Let myself hear old voices that are not mine in my headspace again.

I worked at letting it go before it ruined my brain for the rest of the season....then Grant and I got to go to Maine for a new game and to hang out with some awesome people...but honestly, I was struggling HARD with imposter syndrome. But I had Pleasanton coming after Maine.

And you KNOW how I feel about that game, the people there, the throwers and friends.

So, some sort of lesson here, because it happened AGAIN. The difference being, the people talking about me didn't SEE me right away as they were disparaging my fatness and my skill as a thrower.  In Norway, the dude was kinda yelling it out for me to hear.  It made it harder to hear too, since it was a couple of female throwers.

Honestly....for a good two or so weeks....I felt that I was done.  That this was not the kind of atmosphere I wanted to throw in.  Things change; no biggie...time to be done.

But, we went back to Prescott, cause I was already signed up (I did NOT wanna go). So glad we did, not sure why we've been missing this one...

And more than that...I let go.  

People talk, people blow off steam, people vent.  I don't have to be liked and I don't have to take what was probably someone just expressing frustration, personally. (I also don't need to try to be friends with this person either 😉)

Something else I lost this year was my 2 turn on weights....like WHAT?  But that's just practice and a lack of confidence and letting things get to me.

So, I certainly didn't expect that sort of season, but that's what it was....and I am still the luckiest, crabby ole fat bitch you probably know.

2024?  What's coming? Who the heck knows....

What do athletic goals look like as I see a very busy 2024 for myself as an actor, at least in the first half of the year. What I do know; is the plan is changing focus from prior off seasons, mobility, yoga, speed, joy, aging...letting go and asking for more help...

Enjoying what I can while I can....

Photos

 Been thinking about this one for a bit...me & my issue with seeing photos of my self...

It has pretty much always been an issue for me....even when I was young and more "conventionally" attractive....um...let's be honest...thin and young. But you see....I was always convinced I was 'fat" no matter what I actually weighed. Frankly, in the 80's being as tall as I am, I was called "big." And not for being a big & strong old bitch like I am now....

The last few years...I have gotten older (expected) and bigger too....I have given up the restrictive shit and focus on learning to really listen to what I want as well as how I feel when I eat.  I have found out somethings about how I feel when I add or limit certain foods.  It's been a process and I am still working on it.

 So enough sorta exposition.  

Why am I so shocked when I see photos of myself?  I clearly live in this body, right?  I know how fat I am..."fat" is no longer anything other than a descriptive word...like my hair is short...or that I am tall.

Then I heard someone on a podcast talking about seeing a photo of herself and being shocked because she "felt skinny."

What?

Oh....shit....there is some cultural baggage to unpack here.

What did we learn in the 80's, 90's, and beyond? "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." What are the secondary characteristics that we attach to "fatness."

Hence, the "I feel skinny." comment....and I felt that hit me in the face....

All those things that I was promised would happen if I shrank myself to an acceptable societal level....I would find love, I would have better sex, I could be more successful, I could move easily, I would be accepted, I could be a better athlete, I could be a real actor......

I have lots of them in a fat body...and in fact I never had much of them in a smaller body. So, the things I feel, experience etc are associated with "thinness," but I am not...that is why I think I feel some surprise...at least I am stealing this from this woman I was listening to...and no...I cannot freaking remember what podcast it was. (figures, right?)

So the work continues....and I continue to put off writing when I should just write....  😉

Maine, Goals, and flying kayaks.

 Sooooooooooooo,  Pleasanton this weekend!

Are you excited?  Yes

Are you ready?    No

What does ready mean?  Do I know?

Are you ready to throw?   Sure.

Are you ready to kick ass?  Um, no, not really...

I thought you were ready to throw?  Oh I am, I mean I am gonna throw so that makes me ready.  Am I gonna "throw my best"? Am I gonna "rock it" (what ever that means?)  Probably not.

Or maybe I am...'cause I am where I am.  My body feels how it feels.  I did what ever training I did and I can't do more at this point. Do I wish I had thrown "more"?  Come on after reading this silly blog for as long as you have you already know the answer...Of course I do, but I prepped how I prepped. 

Recently, my coach and one of the other coaches at my gym ran me through a series of tests...mobility type things...it was super informative. And frankly, that's all I have been doing the last three weeks.  Mobility and yoga and some limited drills. And have you ever worked on the inward rotation of your hip?  Let's just say mine sucks...and not just a little. It's what I've chosen to focus on.

AND then there is the game in Maine....I prob should have written about this sooner...but holy moly.

The one of the most challenging fields I have ever thrown on.  If you stood still too long, your feet started to sink and get covered with water.  Seriously. I know those of you coming back from Worlds experienced the same stuff!

The lesson AGAIN....do what you can.  I slowed way down, went to single turns on weights...was super careful with caber.  OHHHHH  caber....we had a thrower who had her caber stick....yes stick...straight into the ground and just stand there for probably 5 full seconds....while we all stared...while she turned and looked at us and asked if it was moving...then it finally fell.  Probably stuck in like 4 inches.

I realized how much attention I was paying to the ground...good thing for me to do...like always. What's the foundation you are building from, on anything...throwing, acting, anything.

Threw with a bunch of ladies I have never throw with before...they were amazing.  

The phrase for the game was: No boo boos, have fun!! Highland Games!!!

Sheaf...was a heavy heavy wet bag....Maximum effort for all of us at 18 feet...OOOOOF.

 I know I got great lesson last year in Pleasanton about heat...so, I take these "ground" lessons with me to P-Town.

I also get to watch women's worlds a little from where ever I am on the field.  SQUEEEE!

There is definitely a shift happening for me. My dear friend Donna would laugh at me....but I am feeling my age in a different way this year.  I am taking longer to recover and I don't feel as strong.  I think I have allowed some of this to affect my joy on the field.  Now that I have had this thought...it's time to bring some of that focus on my surroundings on the field to my inner self, my energy as well.  

As always...this sport has been about self competition...where am I? How can I be better...but it has also brought out the competitor in me....I need to be more thoughtful about that...return to quiet internal goals and to the joy of being around people who are pushing themselves can bring. How can I be the best me in this moment, how can I be a decent 55+ thrower without...damage...HA.

Time to work on something I spoke with the coaches at Elevate about..."How can I be the best that I can be....and not compare myself to the "younger" masters athletes?" After all...these amazing ladies are often 15 years younger than I am. That is real...and significant.  

How can I age in a way that hopefully prepares me to care for myself when I am 80? That's why we are working on my silly joints...and my mobility...and strength too...but I am feeling like the days of pushing for the maxes might be better left where they are.  Funny that I picked up yoga almost 2 years ago too, isn't it?

As for the last part of the title of this blog...yes, I was on the highway and a kayak flew off another car and hit mine.  I am fine...a little shook...and the car needs some work...but yea.

A flying kayak.

Thank god for body workers!

See ya in Pleasanton...and see you when we get back!