Trees

Trees

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Deadcember Wrap

Like in most things, I failed in keeping my promise to myself about the Deadcember training.  I said I would commit to myself for this one month... one month.

Ok  Ok....I missed one workout.  It was Thursday...the workout before the attempted max.  I looked at it and it literally would have been 5-10 minutes.   I made the decision that rest was probably just as good.  Otherwise.....I really did do it all... some modifications of course, but I am close, was close.

Sooooo....I am stiff and sore.  And there was so much more upper body work than I expected.

On December 1st, we didn't test a one rep, we tested a 3 rep.  I was super disappointed with that number 315.  But, well, I am not as strong as I once was, am I? For the training, I added 8% to that number to create a working max.  340 was the number I based everything in Deadcember on.

Grant came to Iron Soul with me on max day.  I was super happy to have him there. It is fun to lift with him.  I think we had both forgotten that.  We spent many months together at the gym after my heart surgery....While I feel like I really need my noon time workout, I also miss those early mornings lifting with Grant.

I digress....so did  I PR? Am I a beast? Am I so strong now I need new pants for my thighs?

No  No  No......

I loaded 305.

Then 345...I looked at that bar and knew I couldn't lift it...glad Grant was there....

Loaded 365...got it.

Tried 385...got it.....one inch off the ground.

Ha...

385 is pretty high for me, especially now,  so I probably should have loaded 375, but I will never know. 

I decided that we did an awful lot of upper body work, so I tested my  bench too...now that...I was super happy with... managed 145, which I know sucks for most people my size...but I suck at bench, and it  went up clean and smooth and I bet I had a little more in me too...

Whee....

So now I sit here, waiting to see my new programing.  Yes, I found me another coach.  I am giving distance coaching a try.  I contacted James Bullock...and he agreed to take me on....

The Forge

He trains some of the women in the sport whom I respect and admire in ways that words fail me...so I am grateful.

I am also a little nervous....I have no freaking plan yet....you know, like how and when to get to a gym....I still have a couple more days off of work.  But after that?

I guess I'll let you  know what happens.

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Transitions

Usually in May, I write some sort of sappy blog about my gym, Praxis.  This up coming May would have been 6 years since I joined BJ and Will over at Zia Cross Fit, which became Praxis.  I still remember the struggle I had deciding to leave the previous gym, and the suspicious feeling I had about gyms I visited.  I was being super stubborn after feeling burned by the other gym.  I remember Mark and Kim encouraging me to give it a try.  So I did....and me being the weirdo that I am chose to go on days that were filled with workouts I hated..Just to see...to see how they treated people who are not so athletic...

Well, 6 1/2 years later..here I am.

I struggle with gyms...I really do.  When Rod roped me into trying crossfit, I found something different, not just the "constantly varied" thing, but it was the people.  I am not so good at going to a gym, putting on the headphones, and ignoring anything but my "gains."  I need people.

Certain people.

I mean, I have left a gym (or 2) because of the people as well...

What BJ and Will and later Gary, had created fit me...Wouldn't fit everyone, but it fit me.  I remember when I met BJ and Will, it was at a weightlifting meet.  I had gone to see my friend Patti compete.  Will and BJ were sitting in front of me.  I had seen them both at Crossfit comps, so we all said hi and blah blah....then BJ mentions a magazine "Milo" that he had that had interviews and training crap for Highland athletes.  He offered to send it to me.  Now, if you have read my crazy blog for a while, you know that the other gym I was going to when I started throwing, basically said, that's cute but keep doing crossfit, that should be enough.

I was frustrated and CLUELESS about how to train or even what questions to ask.

That moment at the meet stuck with me.  And even after I joined BJ, I stayed in the classes for a long time, he was checking me out too. Seeing if I was someone who could be trained.  So, in the early years, I mostly did classes, but he'd pull me out for strength training for a few months at a time.

Very different than the I hide in the corner and lift thing I do now.  Even after I moved to Rio Rancho, I tried to just do the programing remotely and well, I would fall down.  Stop doing it. Until BJ wouldn't send my workouts.  He would just say, why don't you just come in and I'll give it to you. Well...that's when the lunch time thing kicked back up.  Escape from work, from my life for a while and lift.  I needed to still feel like I was in a class to keep coming.

I have a strong desire to belong.

Well, like all things, change is coming again.

BJ and Gary have made the decision to shut down Praxis.

I get it.  For the all the stated and unstated reasons.  Running a gym is tough, especially a gym like Praxis.  It isn't about getting members to sign up and not come...That focus can only mean lower numbers of members and higher numbers of hours for those that own it.

But I am sad.

I have been there a long while and even though there are people who have moved on from the gym, it was a unique place. I have met and sweat with people I would have never met otherwise.  And when they leave and when this space leaves my life it will leave a hole.

I still miss the nooner crew, Velda, Faith, Sarah, Sheila, Erin.

I know I was the most irritating person Will probably ever had to deal with, but towards the end we both knew my goal was to make him laugh.

BJ and Praxis trained me to a World Championship and multiple world records yes, but he also focused my rehab after heart surgery. The gym was there for me when I lost everything and was completely broken after violence struck.  If it weren't for the gym and the community they created,  I never would have met Faith and Chris who opened their home to Emery and I preventing us from having to make terrible choices.

I will miss the babies of Praxis....so many of them are no longer babies.  I loved that the gym encouraged healthy pregnancy workouts and babies hanging in the gym to watch their parents.  I loved occasionally holding a Salas ginger so Patsy could finish thrusters...I have been endlessly moved by the support I received from this gym family of mine.  Coming to games, throwing at games, fundraisers for me...All the comps....It's always a blast to go cheer on Kori and Faith at a railyard game...or Boxtober.  I cannot list all the folks whom I love to see when I walk in, I know I will miss someone and feel badly.

And at Praxis, I know sometimes~some of you were happy to see me. 

Things always change...

I will start a search, I have to decide how to do things now, what I need, where I fit, and if I can do some of this on my own now.

Praxis, you were something special.  Thanks.


Thursday, December 6, 2018

Protect it.

Alrighty....I am part way into the first week of this dead lift experiment. I knew there would be a lot of deadlifting, duh....dead lift program.  It is every day...ha!  Yea,  every day.  Yesterday was sets of snatch grip deads followed by the most insane grouping of upper body death I have ever done...I hurt....my chest hurts....when I left the gym...my arms were noodles.  

So, it's a weird dead lifting program, I am not surprised, turns out the guy writing it is Dan McKim...he just recently retired from Highland games competition...so...that's interesting.  And he is funny as shit.....he puts cardio in there like "walk for 8 seconds" and reps of eating little debbie cakes.  

That shit makes things tolerable to me.  No idea why, I am sorta an idiot...Programming looks to be Mon-Friday, but my old bones can't do this 5 days in a row so I am officially declaring Thursday my rest day. My goal is to do this entire thing, as written.  ALL THE DAYS.  Now I have to sub some things, like I cannot do pull ups and stop with the fancy push ups, but I am doing the subs....

I told someone today I am working on training again instead of working out.  Minor distinction to some, but not to me. I found out a long time ago that I hate working out, but I love to train...working toward something.

Then I came across this thing on Instagram:



Now.....I don't really believe anything lasts forever....not even love.  Please don't get on my case about that...I just don't.  But this struck me...I do treat things differently when I want them to "last" including people in my life.  I have tried to treat people; my kids, friends, partners...in a way so they do not feel ordinary...so they know they are special to me...

What I have left out of this is myself.

I know I won't last...ha...duh...but what if we treat ourselves like this too?  I know it sounds dumb, but this short program is my test...can I protect this time, these goals...For one month..ONE MONTH....and as I mentioned in a previous blog, can I learn what I am willing to sacrifice for those goals? Sacrifice for focused attention on myself, my health, my goals.

Gives me a little bit of the heebie jebbies to say it like that, but there it is.

I am guessing I have said this and either tried and failed or done this before, so forgive me if I am back at a place you have seen me before.  And I will try to forgive myself too.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Twice

I think the last time I posted I wrote something about being up front with people when they ask "How are you?"

Well, this weekend I did it twice. 

I was super uncomfortable, but I did it.

This holiday season is proving to be very tough for me.  I have been working really hard on letting things go, on understanding that my oldest has made choices that are his and what he needs to do.  But I'm not there this year....

I am just sad....

I am sad and disappointed that I am not allowed to see or share any of my son's first year in New York experiences; but it isn't even really all of it.  I have had that thing happen...that black hole sucking at my feet feeling...it's more than sad.

So...anyway, to my point, II had two people ask how I was this weekend....

And to one I said, "well, I almost canceled because I am really depressed."

And I said to the other, " I am awful, this holiday season so far is just not a happy time right now."

I was a little embarrassed, but they heard me and said things like yeah...this time can be hard.

It was good to not have to take out a mask and polish it up for people. To just be honest with people and to just be myself in that moment....to just be present with them, and myself.

Both this morning and yesterday morning I felt a little less of that nasty tug at my feet....I am trying to just feel it instead of hide it or hide from it....I'm just not sure I can do that "fake it til you make it " thing at the moment...I just hope this moves through soon so I feel like putting up anything for Christmas, 'cause right now I am super Bah-Humbug.  For those of you that know me at all...you know how odd that is...

I haven't even started to listen to Christmas music yet....

Oh well, I am rambling,  I'll check in once we start the "deadcember" madness.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Off Season Part 2

One of the things I left out of the last off season blog....were my solid plans.

Other than Deadcember...I am not sure what BJ has in store for me.  As for my plans?  I know the place I need to focus is my mental off season.

I am hoping to create more space for my rattled brain and rattled nerves.  I thought about trying yoga again, but we all know how well that goes for me...I will see if Emery will do some Yoga with me at home, I did get into that.  I need both more connection and more silence.  I guess that would come down to meaning full connections with people.  I have been working on healing very old family wounds and I am guessing that work never really ends.

As for my body, I need quiet and silence there too.

Body work.

I have been working with a woman in ABQ who is a  cranialsacral  therapist.  That has been crazy, both physically and in dealing with some of that family stuff I mentioned.  That work needs to continue, but I also need to add some massage back into the mix....and well, Charlsey too...

I need a winning lottery ticket.

I know some of that work is on going and need based...especially Charlsey.  But, But, But...there is some urgent feeling I have that I need to get help with letting things go in my body and laying some good ground work for self care and big lifts later.  HA!

The other place that needs attention is that road to 100 I was working on...well, I haven't updated that road because I went off into the ditch.  Happened last year right about this time too.  So I'm back at 105 and not happy about it, but not unhappy enough about it to tackle it....otherwise I wouldn't have put it on.  So bizarre that a "small" amount of weight pushes me past where I feel comfortable. But yet...I am so hungry all the time.  Ha

I think this will relax once I get some of this quiet that I need.

I am also working on a writing project...writing and working on my feet too.  I keep telling Grant I need to find an acting class and then I just...don't.  I'll find something when it's right.  Ahhhh, I finally started seeing theater again too.  I contacted Holly and asked for help..."Please Holly be my theater buddy."  So, I have actually seen 2 shows in the last month....working on that show anxiety thing.

I try not to put a lot of stock in anniversaries, but they do hold weight for me...this is a rough time of year, for many people; not just me.

Maybe reach out, maybe tell someone the truth when they ask you how you are...

Maybe say "I'm not great right now." You may see relief on their face too, that they don't have to hold on to this happy demeanor when it feels too heavy.  Yeah, you may get someone who walks away...that's ok too...

So, if you see me this winter and want to just hear, "I'm fine how are you," it's fine by me if you walk away from me.

Truly.






Monday, November 19, 2018

Off season and some numbers

Y'all know I had a weird season.  Training was super spotty at best and weird... The biggest mistake I made in 2018 was in regard to expectations.  I know i have said this before, but once my son was recovered from surgery in July and I got into Pleasanton, I just thought I could kick it hard and well...whatever I thought.  Great lesson though. I am fully aware that training is year round...but there is all this talk about "off seasons."  Frankly, I am not at any sort of level that I should really take an off season, right?

Hmmmm  I'm not so sure.  Driving the same drill, the same or similar workouts all the time doesn't really work, at least not for me. Personally, I get bored which then turns into lazy...but beyond my personality flaws...there really is something to be said for shaking it up.  

This article lays it out better than I can...

off season

Part of why I bring this up is because of what I have heard and seen in my tiny little part of the community over here in New Mexico.  See...the World Master's Game is going to be in Tucson next year...which seems to have people in a bit of a tizzy.  Well, throwers in the Western half of the US seem super excited and a little crazed to "get their numbers" to qualify.  I get it, but I worry that for some of them, they will forget the power that can come from taking a bit of a break.  

Heck...we used to not even hold practices much over the winter, so switching to every other week seems like we are still throwing a lot....I know for me, the constant drive can work against me.  It's about the long range planning.  

Yeah Yeah, I am being a bossy old broad, but...read the article...shit, not like I know any of these folks will read this.... giggle.

I know for lots of throwers, off season means a second sport, powerlifting, weightlifting, strongman..I know that's what Heather and Juli do, and well...yeah.

Ok.  I'm done, off my stupid box (for now).

So, Mona, what's your plan?

Shit, ask BJ....kidding,  I know to kick this shit off we are doing Deadcember. After that?  Dunno.  I know I'd like to get some of my "strong" back...  I miss it and it completely effected my WOB this year.

OHHHHHH..... I am almost done with the post program testing...it was a 14 week program, filled with weird shit....No traditional squats, some Hex deads...and I can't even remember what.  If I am honest, I did NOT get through the whole program.  Lots of the programing was way to long for my little lunch break workout time.  BUT....

Even so...I made some very cool gains, not just with lifts, but cardio crap too...

Highlights:

Triple Bench:  125 to 130
Triple Hex dead  285 to 335
Tripple Squat   235 to 285
Triple Broad Jump 20.15 to 21.20
Kneeling chest pass 190 inches to 270 inches
Airdyne 10min 99 cal to 127 cal

I have some running left to test, but it's been too cold for my lungs...

So bizarre to have both lifts and cardio go up. The lifting is funny though, because I don't think any of those are lifetime bests, so I have actually have lifted those kinds of numbers before...I just had not done it in a while and I am also 40 pounds lighter than when I was "lifting heavy."  I have felt weak over the last 2+ years. 

It also is a goddamn wake up call.

What could I possibly do if I can actually focus.  If I can give myself a year to really focus...or shit at this point even 6 months...what could I allow my body to achieve if I just listen to BJ and do what he asks?

If I just listen to Grant and Chad and Heather and Edie and Cindy and Rachel and all the other voices who actually believe in what I might be capable of doing with this broken down middle aged body? Even if I never "get there" (where ever there is), I will at least know I am giving this body a shot.  I still feel like I am working out on borrowed time given the stenosis and the numbness that is creeping in more and more frequently.

Maybe I need an off season from my demons too.

Monday, November 12, 2018

weird again.

So, a little over a week ago, I went to Denver.  I took one of my sisters up to Denver for an out patience surgery.

No big deal right...

Well, for those of you who may know me a little better, this is the sister that at one point cut me out of and deemed me unworthy of being in her life.  Most recently, at a birthday party for our Mom, she actually introduced me as  "her Mother's other daughter."

That one still has me giggling.  Especially because the person she said it to, a nun, looked at her and said, you mean your sister.....

Yeah...she asked me to take her up to Denver for surgery.  Honestly, I really don't know why.  She even said, I know we aren't close...

Um, that's an understatement...

But it was truly a moment for me of, "well of course I have to do this."  I still don't know why her husband didn't take her...or a close friend.  But I never asked during the trip.

I am not sure if I did the right thing or not.  I mean, I know it was the right thing to take her, but not addressing the elephants in the SUV so to speak; I mean, didn't I just fall back into all my old patterns that do nothing but harm me?

For 3 days I felt so uncomfortable in my skin...so shut down.  But on the other hand...I know I'm repeating myself...it was the right thing to take her to Denver.

Just a day later, we received disturbing news about a person we know in the throwing community....that involves being in a hate group...then we had to leave for a national conference of Highland games...in Myrtle Beach SC...Where we learned that other festivals have had their own issues recently too.  Do you know how much fun it is to be in a room full of people when you bring up an uncomfortable topic? 

The faces...like someone had just farted.

But worse.

Oh well.

I did not handle things, any of the "things" the last few weeks very well...I went back to the same place that I went last year...right about this time of year, when someone I thought was a friend posted that they thought any parent who supported their transgender child in transitioning was guilty of child abuse. I made a mistake in responding to that post, and saw a whole lotta people from the Highland Community get super fucking ugly and I unfriended a bunch of people.  I also posted I needed to find a new sport. When I said that, I remember getting a ton of support....a ton...and I cried. I cried because I was heard and I wasn't alone; the world, my world isn't really filled with bigots.  They just seem to scream their ugliness the loudest.

Well,  when confronted with some similar things this Fall, I went right there again....that same feeling of "I need to get away from this"...Same stupid behavior too, I found myself responding to a damn Facebook post again, when I know better...and trying to be heard in a room full of people (literally and virtual)  with whom I perceive I don't have any common ground, well, I makes me want to run.

I got a good reminder from my friend Michelle...about Johnny Appleseed. 



She's been planting seeds for decades hoping they will grow into understanding...

I have trouble when I feel invisible though, I get itchy....and these last few weeks have made me feel like I have been rolling in poison ivy.

Not sure where I go from here....not sure how I learn to plant seeds instead of hiding.  I either get silent or I walk away.  Maybe the trick is to drop some seeds as I walk away.  I don't know. 50 years of staying silent about A LOT of things means I really really really struggle to speak up..and confrontation feels like...

icky skin vomit shaky yuck

I'm super articulate....

It's a rough time of year for me...maybe I should just hibernate and hope that my roots grow a little stronger for next year.









Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Goals

"I keep asking myself these three questions ... What do you have? What do you want? What will you give up?" -Jack Ma, co-founder of Alibaba


I recently posted on Facebook, asking folks to share what they had been working on and if they had reached their goals, if they were still working on it, if new goals had emerged.  I know the end of the year usually bring some sort of lens to this issue.   I love reading what people share on those sorts of posts.

I had a funny thing happen to me surrounding goals this year.  Well, I had a LOT of funny things happen to me this year, but I digress. After Emery had healed up and once I got my invite to PTown...I had this idea that I could drive it in six weeks and be something I had not trained for. I know in my head that training is a year round deal, even when I get injured; I have to do all the work to get me and my old ass body parts moving again. 

I also found myself looking and being a stalker on lots of the amazing women's pages who are really kicking it this year...and yes....I found myself feeling...not jealous, but envious.  I know it is semantics, but they seem different to me.  I was feeling envious of the time they could put in...

and somewhere along the line I saw the quote at the top of the blog.

What will I give up?

That's a big one.

And you know...my artistic life and my time as a Scottish Athlete were and are the things that I was willing to give up as we negotiated the last few years. I had not thought of it this way before I saw this quote.  And frankly it took me a while to get here.

So....as I look forward to an off season, from a season where I actually threw a little bit, I need to ask myself before I get started: What do I have, as in where am I starting from. What do I want, as in what area of my life will I be sending more of my energy. What will I give up?

My dear friends,  I don't know....I don't know and cannot seem to decide where or what to focus on right now. 

So, I guess for right now, I will try to quiet my brain a little and see what comes my way.


Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Brain Shake

Aztec a week and a half ago or so, I forgot to tell you all that I had a run in with a caber.

It was super odd, last event of the day, second to the last caber attempt.  It was Sheila.  A decent straight stick that lots of the women hate...she doesn't bother me much.

So I pick her and she turns in my had a little and swings around and taps the side of my head.  My glasses are driven into my nose and I get pissed.  I know I should have dropped her, but I held on and tried to toss her.  I didn't of course, but the next go at her I got a 12....so whatever sheila....

Well...I had a nasty headache that night.....and yes the next day.  I figured it would go away.

I went to the gym Monday and I was ok...but it was light.  I still had a headache on Tuesday....

Wednesday morning I woke up and felt a little better, except my neck was killing me.  Got to the gym and it was a heavy dead and sled day...I was supposed to do 4 rounds, only got through 2....

Nasty Nasty headache.

I knew I was jacked...I rested Thursday (which I seem to do a lot of these days) but that night I said to Grant, I gotta see some one.. I thought all I needed a massage.  My sis in law is recovering right now so I was going through my list. But frankly not thinking very clearly....Ahhhh my amazing friend Grace...(she's got some magic...) but the weather change was kicking her ass. I looked at Charlesy Schedule but she wasn't available and frankly I was scared to see her...needles in my neck!!  My dear friend Gwyn is not really doing that kind of work right now, and I didn't think to call Dan til much later.  I also knew it was super short notice shit for any of these folks.

I was at work by Friday with my head in my hands when I suddenly thought...MAGIC MAN...

Duh...go see Paul.

But it was already Friday afternoon and I was not looking forward to the weekend plans we had made at all.

But I got lucky.

He got me in.

And I did NOT need a massage....

I walking into his space and he looked at me and said "your head is crooked."

Ew....

Yeah.  He adjusted my skull.  It was kinda gross.  He looked at me at one point and laughed..."this should really hurt, but you are so used to pain you really don't care do you."  I laughed too...No Paul I don't, just do it.

Paul really is a magic Man.

My jaw was wonky, I had ribs out, my hip was twisted, and my sacrum was jacked as well.

I just thought my neck hurt...but it wasn't even my neck.

All this from a little tap on the head from Sheila.

I had one more game scheduled this year. This weekend. A new local game.  Well, we are short judges, so I volunteered... given all this twisty jacked up body stuff going on....it's a blessing we were short a judge.

I am still looking forward to the game and to letting Sheila attack someone else.



Monday, October 15, 2018

back to that annoying place

What annoying place is that?

Well, I am not working out enough.  I have been super irritated about that.  The programing is very cool...not boring, not standard, specific to my sport...all the good stuff.  I am doing the "important" days...according to BJJ, but that's it.  I am not going further.

I have goals....maybe....sorta, have I written them down? no....so I don't even know what they are.
 
So what's my freaking problem.

Oh right, I remember this feeling....

I hate exercising.  I really do.

I love to train.

I'm not training.

That's no one's problem but mine.

Not sure what I need to do about that.  I mean, I guess all I need to do is change my mind set, but I gotta get there.  It seems stupid to me, that I can't look ahead to Pleasanton for 2019 and drive my training toward that...but...I can't seem to do it.  Waa Waa, it's too far away....blah blah...I need a year to train. 

Today's workout was fun, we moved into the speed and volume portion of this 14 week program.  Lots of jumping and weird shit.  I just need to get my ass there and do the work.

So dear readers....what to do....kick me in the ass.....what should to focus on?  Queen Mary games...that isn't that far off... that's a possibility.

Or I just ride out this malaise....and try this:





On a different note, today is a weird anniversary for me. It's the evening that I used to call my "dark night."  For a very long time, I really knew that I would never move past the violence of that day.  That I would be forever changed.  I was changed, but something has happened to me 5 years later that I feel it is important to share.

I did change, but I am  no longer defined by what happened to me that night. In some ways, I noticed this during the selfie project I did (am doing).  Also, by things that people that I used to be friends with see me now.  I went to this Theater Walk thing in Santa Fe and I had so many old friends say things like, "You look so happy, or You look great."

The fear, the pain, the PTSD is not written all over my skin anymore.

There is life after violence, after abuse.  It takes time, but more importantly, it takes a lot of work.

I know it's easy to say, "just let go." But that is so far from what has happened.  I hate that phrase actually...I had to grow, to change, to sweat and cry and scream, and the hardest of all, learn to trust.  Perhaps for the first time ever.

We all know what a silly PollyAnna I am...at least on the surface, trust issues are weird for me...on one hand I am way too trusting...WAY TOO TRUSTING.....I will always try to see the good and that has left me open as a target for liars.  But on the other hand...I never trust on that deeper level...especially of myself and my choices or of my instincts

Perhaps THAT is the shift that has happened to me recently, that is what is some how reflected on my skin these days....

I know I will have shadows of that night and more than just that night swim around my soul.  I know there are things that send me spinning some times.  But something has "let go" and for anyone reading who feels like it will never change, I hear you, I see you, I believe you.  And I ask you to see me...and hear me, that it can get better.

'cause I never thought it could either....but tonight, five years out...I feel...different and for that I am grateful.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Something

No idea what is about to get typed out here....But I promised myself I'd keep writing.

Had a rough game in Aztec...I probably should not have gone; I already knew that, but things (meaning my anxiety) started to chill about 1 PM, so the afternoon wasn't as hard as the morning.  I felt fine when I got to the field, but as this PTSD thing does sometimes, it grabbed me by the throat and covered my mouth and sent me spinning. 

I threw the whole game...not sure how wise that was, can I tell you how disconcerting it is to throw hammer when you can't feel your feet?

I won't post numbers...because, well....hahahaha.  No.

I do love Aztec, both the game and the folks who run it and the town. So being there and eating too much chocolate from Derrick and eating too much pizza with Edie and watching Cindy get like 25 pr's  was ultimately worth it. Hiding doesn't actually help me, it feels like it does in the moment; but that is PTSD lying to me again.

I'm seeing some super ugly things in people lately and I am wondering if it is the ugly in me or if I am just seeing a little more clearly.  I may be in that place again of needing to check the energy around me...letting go of some and drawing others closer.


On a happy note...or a couple of them, I had another audition last night...and I was calm...no chocking, no panic....wheee!  Funny side note, I saw a bunch of actors I haven't seen in a while..but most of them were auditioning for the same role I was....and they were all men...  I don't really know if I was the ONLY woman who had auditioned for the role as there may have been someone there earlier in the day, but yeah....I was looking around thinking, "did someone make a mistake here?" I've had that happen before, when I've been the only old lady in a room full of beautiful, trim, young women.  But all dudes?  Oh well.  I felt good about it regardless. And you already know how I feel about auditioning.  I really enjoy it now; I don't put too much into "booking" ...I put a lot into the audition, but I know that the booking of a role is so freaking far out of my control that there is no reason to get all twisted up about getting cast or not.  It doesn't define me like it did when I was young.

And I got my ticket for the GRRRL event in June....that's a way bigger WHEEEE.

Especially since Heather is going to be doing a Highland games clinic.  She may use me to help too...I mean how cool would that be?  I can demo bad form on just about anything she needs.  😁

I also had a break through moment with my past and my hubby this weekend....There were some things that I guess I had alluded too and that he perhaps, assumed as well; but because of the crap over the last few weeks and the anxiety being ramped up...he asked.  I told.  I spoke. He listened.

And with no proof other than my words.

He believes me.

Imagine that. 

And we heal a little more,  we love a little more,  I trust a little deeper, we move forward together. 



Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Happy October

A new month...

This crap leading into it is pretty terrible.  I am doing all the work I can, but I have found myself back under the thumb of anxiety and flashbacks.

Seems that the thing that doesn't work for me is silence...Imagine that...I just keep trying to deal with it quietly...but when I let myself express my fear and rage and confusion, the anxiety is reduced.

Again...

IMAGINE THAT.

The flashbacks have been the worst...jumbled times, faces, fears.  I am super grateful for the team of ladies that are checking on on one another...Those of us who who believe one another, who have spent so many years in disbelief and dis-believed.  And silent.

I have modified my commitments. I had to back out of gatherings, couldn't face questions about old things.  I can't practice, I have a hard time going to the gym. "Peopling" has just been a challenge lately.  Especially around people who I know are lying.  Something about that is just too much for me right now.  You know the ability to say, " hey that's their stuff....it's ok." has left me for right now.

Frankly, I'm not sure if I will make it to Aztec.

On a different-yet the same- depressing note~

I have been hearing this on the radio...

Good Old Days

Grant and I were talking about it...this idea that there was some better time before is a bunch of crap, we just look back and see what we want to remember...and that really...right now....are "good old days" too....which brings me to the other platitude...

"You don't know what you've got til its gone"

I have only really heard this phrase i used in such a way that implies you really miss something or you took for granted something you had. 

I am not discounting that...I mean it happens.  But as we were chatting, I told Grant...for me, it has taken a lot of time away to see just how bad things were. 

Yeah, I didn't know what I had til I got free.

Try to put that to a snappy pop tune.

But....hmmm is there a but here?  Yeah....my hubby, my kid, my boss, this group of women who are checking in and for whom I check in... 

These are the good days.  The support in these days make these the good days.


Friday, September 21, 2018

Weird weekend

Weird weekend, weird numbers.

Been about a week since Prescott....it's been a challenging week too.  I was happily cast in a TV show, but you know, that comes with time issues of its own.  Thankfully, I am able to work form home occasionally.... so, I was able to rest a bit and just take it slow today...and well, write a little too. 

I haven't been writing much here because of my other project too.  I actually wrote a bit before I was called to set yesterday, which I was also happy about.  I know I am lucky, I have the kind of job and the kind of boss who gets the artistic drive...

I almost feel sometimes like I am done with theater....I don't want to be, but the last experience was rough....as those of you who know me, know.  I don't trust the ABQ theatre scene yet because of it and well, I am no long part of Santa Fe, so I am cutting myself off from that piece of my life. And I don't really want to.  Each time I say to myself, I am done with acting, something shows up. At this point it isn't theater, but film work or auditions that show up and say, no Mona you aren't done.  I have a strained relationship with film stuff too.  Over the last year or so; I am ashamed to admit, I started having massive anxiety both during auditions and on set.  The last piece I did, I had a full blown panic attack as soon as we started filming.  It was embarrassing.  Horrifying.  I have no idea what, if anything, will make it to the final cut.  I am praying you cannot see the panic..but I bet you can. Yet another reason I was feeling like it was time to bail.

I've been doing a lot of work...of the therapy kind...none of it traditional talk therapy...and during my last 2 auditions, I didn't start choking...and when I was on set the last 2 days...I was fine.  Nerves, excitement, but not panic.  I still don't know what a stint on an actual stage might mean, but to have the stage, the empty space,  become a place of panic was horrifying.  I am hopeful though, that if I can keep doing this work that I can someday get back to my work.

I have weird experiences too when I am on set...there are film ghosts for me.  The first thing I was ever cast in that was SAG was the TV show Manhattan.  It was maybe 2 months after my divorce and my ex was working on the show.  Let's keep it short and just say that did not go over well....I remember being afraid on set.  I think this is where the panic may have developed its seed.

Last night, I found myself looking around corners, looking at crew, wondering what they had heard about me.  Yeah...I actually had that thought...wondering if people I had never met hated me for something somebody may have said years ago.  I was looking for people I had met at parties so I could avoid them.

Then I realized in that same moment that I have met some of these people on other sets and no one seemed to hate me.  I have met people as I am, as me...not as a story told about me. I realized that I was still afraid on set, just like I was 4 years ago....but it was for ghosts....it wasn't real anymore. 

I am a bundle of joy to be around aren't I?

Well, now there is also the writing project I have mentioned before....I have given it to one of the most brilliant people I know and they actually want to help me shape this scratchy voice of mine.  We shall see. 

Oh this started as a blog about Prescott didn't it?

How was Prescott?

Freaking beautiful field, got to see lots of folks I haven't seen in a while.  I actually stopped being a hermit and fearful and actually went and hung out....TWICE. Dealt with some upsetting behavior and probably not in the best way; but hey, live and learn, right?

But how did you THROW Mona....enough with the emotional crap.

Height events were MEH...I had not touched sheaf in months and it showed...WOB was...ok.  Distance events though, stupid.  Now I will say this, Prescott is on a slant.  Every one calls it "Prescott PR's" you know they don't really count.  All I know is I worked on keeping my head up...and yes there is some advantage to the slant; but on hammers, the slant in the trig is tricky.  It messes with your balance. Shit, WFD, we had lots of scratches too...I found I had to have more precision on WFD than I thought. I got a season high on heavy weight and a a personal best of over 69 feet on light weight.  Heavy hammer didn't go so well, but light was very close to 90, also a personal best.

I, of course, completely discounted these on the field. After all they are Prescott PR's..Rachel said to me though, that she always throws well at Prescott and then the next season, those numbers become her next years averages.  Then there was Jason....

He yelled at me.

"Every field is different, every field has hills, what matters is that you threw and dammit, those numbers are real..."

Thank you sir....I will stop being an asshole about it.  

And I noticed that later all the A level women were posting Pr's...so why did I buy into this conversation that some how Prescott numbers are not "real."

 No fucking clue.

And why did I throw so much better here than in Pleasanton?

OHHHHHH, because it wasn't "real"  It didn't "count'?

What a dick....

Good lessons though.

And seriously, that last hammer I threw?  It was freaking beautiful and damn fast.....THAT was real, wasn't it...

I've decided I hate what I have allowed the numbers to become.  I am not sure when it happened, but the obsession with records and field records and world records....I hate it...for me I mean.  Honestly, I love love love cheering someone else on when they are going for a new world record(I am looking at you Michelle and Donna too!) But, I somehow let myself get caught up in a negative wave. For me....and I stress...this is only about me, it became yet another way that I could see how I don't measure up. Yet another weapon I could use against myself....instead of a feeling of accomplishment, they became a yardstick with which I beat myself.

Again....what a dick.

😆

So, I am gonna go with Rachel and Jason and Heather here...the Prescott numbers are a great yardstick from which to build...and let go...and enjoy....and be fucking real.

Thanks...for putting up with my dickishness.

Is that a "real" word?  HAHAHAHA.

See you on the field (and on stage too)







Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Pleasanton

 This is the stuff right here....this is the meat of why I throw....the people.  So call this blog, the faces of Pleasanton.  I am, however missing some key people....like the rest of the master's class..Matt & Pam....Alan....BETH!  HEATHER!  I mean really?  But yes...this is "sampling of Pleasanton Faces"


 I am guessing I could pull some others from face book....but I am lazy today and like I mentioned in a previous blog, I have another writing project going on, that scrapes me raw as I work on it.






 It's not drool....I poured water down my shirt....really.


 I'm a serious thrower...see?
 Thanks so much for putting up with me..
 And thank you sir for bringing me back.


Thanks for letting me get a photo of YOU!

How'd I throw?  Well I met my goals...I had a blast.  There was one event that I started to kick my ass over...then I remembered why I was there and let it go.  I wish I had a photo of the top three of us, but Katy asked some dude in the audience and they were crap pictures.....we should have asked how much beer the dude had. 

Thanks for reading over these last 7 or 8 weeks of my prep...I am still not down to 100 yet...I sorta went wild in San Fran...

I've got more to ponder over....like numbers...but I'll try to get to that another day.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

CRAP!

Yet another oooops.

It's been a while, there are less than 2 weeks now until Pleasanton. I've been making the time to throw in the evening, but it's been raining, so...yea... Chad worked with me a bit on WFD on Sunday...Pushing vs. pulling.  It's pretty cool that I could actually feel it.  I'm not gonna have that dialed in, but I got something new to work on.

I mean, I am not gonna suddenly stop working on stuff after Labor Day.

I am looking forward to the other pieces of the trip too...Extra time in San Fran, Kerry, Matt...

And this kid:
 I saw this and it reminded me of the last time I was in Pleasanton. I had had heart surgery like 3 months before and really was pushing it.  I took third and I was freakin giddy. I am letting go of "I was good once" of "what's that record" of "no one will like me if I don't crush it." (whatever THAT means)...Imma be a happy kid...and enjoy the fact that I am there and that I can still move (thanks Crow)

This year...I am gonna be giddy stepping back on that field.

Oh, how close am I to that 100? no closer, but that's ok too.  I have yo-yo'd so much in the last 10 years....It is always frustrating to see it go up, especially when I was lifting super heavy. I mean, I get it, sometimes that extra weight helps, but I often tell myself it has more influence than it really has...Oh well, it is all a roller coaster.  Isn't it?

I have been a litle remiss in my thank you's too....I was finding it impossible not to name practically everyone I have met at the gym and on the field...ha.  There is some truth in that.  But I wanted to thank my friend Lisa Bradley for keeping me in these games too.  She kept me going before I even found the games.  She's the person who introduced me to Paul the magic man....when I was low...and in constant pain.  Then I roped her into games too...

Lisa gave a name to my condition: Adult Onset Athlete.

She gave me more courage than I can really define...And I am hoping she finds some Highland Athletes in Ohio to play with soon....

Sorry for the shorty, but I've been working on another project and my fingers and brain are tired. 


Thursday, August 16, 2018

Uh oh 3 and 100

I think I have blogger block.

I had committed to tracking my work once I knew I got into P-Town....but I haven't really written since my migraine weekend....


ahhhh.

Um  Ok...

I went to the gym.

and I am at 101.7

I won't make that 100, but that wasn't my main focus anyway...I did throw Tuesday...but dang, the backyard is on such a steep slope that I can't do a two turn on WFD....Grant says it's all in my head, but I don't think so....so there.

 I only had two more practices til Pleasanton, and since we have all the equipment...I am doing something super selfish this week.  We are bringing cabers again and going up, but I am going to bring the stones,weights, and hammers that I need.  Get some video done and just work in the corner of the park all by myself.

This new programing is great...It sucks, but it is great.  It is all these 5 minute do as many as you can and move on things...then he usually makes me finish with some sprinting nonsense. Today was 7 sets of 100 meter rows.

I got one under 20 seconds!  19.6. I was pretty gassed after that.

I am really grateful to have BJ writing my programing.  I know there are all sorts of guides and internet whoo ha out there, but I trust him.  Started the first day we met....at a weightlifting meet.  I was not lifting; a friend, Pattie Ravenheart was competing that day.  I was sitting behind a group from Zia Crossfit (GO ZIA) which was his gym at the time. We chatted a bit and then he asked me for my email so he could send me something...a magazine.  It was about training for the highland games. 

Took me like 5 months to join his gym, but from the beginning he has done research about throwing and throwers and I know he is in large part the reason I did so well in Scotland in 2014.  I keep coming back and he keeps putting up with me, even during these last few years when my focus has not been at the gym or for my sport.

I always write that he's gonna kick me out, but I hope he doesn't.....He joked with me once that he can't get rid of me because no matter what ridiculous thing he puts in my programming- I will try it.

I am super grateful for this guy.  For the work he does for me...for all the people he coaches...and for being one of the people who keeps me coming back to the gym and back to the field. Gotta get a Praxis team together again for Aztec....
Thanks BJ, you really are a gem.

I miss the days when I really felt a part of the gym, I don't really anymore...I just come at noon and because I don't live up here, I don't join in the things that make us feel like a family.  I am like the dorky 3rd cousin that shows up at the reunion.  But that's how things work sometimes. 

Shit, I feel like that about a few things right now...Highland games included....like I have forgotten how to keep myself as part of the group instead of being the crabby old complaining lady who shows up with equipment and complains that she used to be a good thrower...Shit, I don't wanna be around a person like that either!

And don't get me started on my artistic life....I'll just start crying.

But it's ok....really.  I am not depressed or anything, I am in flux.  Like a flux Capacitor or something.  Maybe that's why BJ has me doing sprints, so I can get my ass up to 88 miles an hour....
 
 


Monday, August 13, 2018

migraines and, well, not much work.

I get migraines once in a while. Every couple of months or so.  I had never had one at a game until Aztec last year...I stubbornly tried to keep throwing, but it eventually brought me to my knees.  Well, I got one Friday, luckily it hit just as I got home from work.  Straight to bed for me.  As you can imagine, I didn't get shit done Friday, well maybe a load of laundry once the nasty part of the migraine had passed.  Saturday, I was a little slow, I always am post migraine...I call it a hangover.  I can't bend down or move very fast and light generally bothers me. Sooooooo, Sunday, I get up, feeling pretty good.  There is a longish list of stuff around the house to do and of course practice.

We wrap up practice ( I mostly worked hammers) and get gas...and I get that damn light halo thing... another migraine.

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

Really?

So, what I am gonna start getting these bastards more often? Of course that is where my thoughts go.  I left practice pretty ok for a change, knowing some of the work I'd been doing in the yard was translating into throws. 

Of course I let that tank my mood and I went to bed.  At first I thought it was going to be minor, like a shadow of Friday's migraine....but it was actually worse...

Frustrating. 

So now I'm trying not to freak out. 

For those of you that know me...you can imagine my list, right?

What if I can't train anymore and I have been on a good track.
What if I get a migraine on the plane.
What if I get a migraine at the game.
What if I start getting these like twice a week.

Oh well.

I can just look at this like it was a forced rest...I don't always have to get everything done that is on my freakin' list.



Last week I had a little trouble with the additional throwing days....rain kept moving in....I had some funny days in the gym too. 

One of them involved 500 step ups.

I won't do that again...took me forever...then BJ comes over and says that the stuff listed in Tuesday and Thursday is like a buffet...choose what you want. Oh....alright then....

500 step ups....😆

I will be trying to get to the gym today, but I am a little worried about my head.  It still hurts a little....

OH and I have to move the workouts around a little...MWF are required and I am taking Emery to Phoenix on Friday...quick one...he has a concert to go to Friday nite...back home Saturday. 

Yeah, I know, I am nuts...but I wanna enjoy this time with him too.  He will be off and on his own soon enough. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

magic....and work.

I think there are places that hold some magic...I am sure we could all list places, the big places everyone lists.  One of my magic places is Flagstaff.

Yeah Flagstaff Arizona. 

Just hush with the eye rolling please. 

I mentioned a few weeks ago, before Flag, that 5 years ago something big shifted for me when I was there.  I Haven't every really talked about it publicly because...well, it caused a lot of pain as well.  And well, people are judgey....I know I can be too.  To make a long complex story super vague, It was 5 years ago in Flag that I felt something snap and I knew I needed to gather some freaking courage and tell my husband at the time that we were done.  I mean, we both knew it for years, but there we stayed. I had fallen in love with Grant; it was when I got home from that weekend in Flag that I finally said the words.  It has been a long, terrible process unfortunately, but that's just the way it went.

Well, a few weeks ago, in Flag, I felt something crack open, shift, move, change again.  Something lifted dear reader...right off my heart.  I don't what it was, forgiveness of myself; perhaps, a deeper understanding of letting go.  Whatever it was, I no longer felt this underlying sense of responsibility for how other people behave or react.  That is kinda huge for me. 

It was tested in a big way on Tuesday of this week.  I went to the Pharmacy and discovered that the kids insurance was no longer there. I texted the ex to see if there was an issue...he hadn't paid for it this quarter. Now, I am not going to say I wasn't mad...I was, but I didn't "go off" on him.  I told him he should have contacted me so that I didn't find out more than a month after it was cancelled. But that was it.  I, of course, went into "fix this" mode, but really....I have been expecting this for a very very long time and you know what? 

I knew it wasn't my problem either.

It is no longer my job to get him or anyone else for that matter to understand what *I* think they should be responsible for... (or the court thinks they should be responsible for).  He is who he is and my guess is he is doing his best; and shit, I am who I am and I am just trying my best too.  This is, as they say, what it is.  How it always was really and that is ok. 

I was no longer fighting, trying to get him to hear me or see me or understand...anything... 

That, I think, is what let go in Flag a few weeks ago.

Ok....I know. enough with the woo-woo.


Yeah Flag, but what did you do to prep for Pleasanton Mona??

Well, yesterday, I skipped the gym...but once it cooled off a bit I tried to throw in my yard...I got out a little late and there were some complications so I didn't actually throw.  But I did do hammer winds.  Discovered something interesting..... I had unknowingly changed my set up.  I have been setting up for my throw by looking down at the head of the hammer, never a good thing.  So, I worked on that little piece. 

Then lots of PT work and sleep...

Today I had another weird workout...all these 5 minute AMRAP things...Presses, push presses, jerks, KB swings, snatches, goblet squats....oooooffffff.  Then I had to finish with a 1000 meter row....ugh.  Well, I could have chosen the 800 meter run, but....no.

My goal for this weekend's practice is to actually film some of my throws.  I am terrible about that.  I bring the phone holder thinggy and never set it up.

It's the little things, isn't it?





Monday, August 6, 2018

Wrap up and work

Well, Well Mona, what have you done?  We are 4 weeks out and what have  you done?

Oh, back off I had a game this weekend, spent like 14 hours in the car too...

And....how did you eat??  How did you throw? 

Whatever, stop policing my food you nosey Barker....102.2 by the way, but it's a fair bit to still try to lose while I am also training so..whatever.   And the game?  Well, it moved back to the Denver area which was great.  We saw lots of old friends, which is even better...there were 2 brand new throwers in the Masters group...awesome...and there was this pretty awesome thrower, Amy, who I just fell in love with.  She broke her PELVIS last year....and is back throwing. Yes, her freakin' pelvis...I am really looking forward to throwing with her and Rebecca again...we may have bugged them enough about Aztec. Russ Murphy was there to open the game.  He threw out the first stone.  This game was jam packed with history.  Greg Bradshaw was there, of course, but a whole bunch of his family was too...great grand kids even.  And his brother was going to throw on Sunday for the first time in 30 years....how awesome is that?  I got to harass Coach and tease the shit out of Edie...and watch CJ get a world record in Sheaf. So really...freakin' great stuff.

Yes, but how did you throw?

I don't wanna talk about it.



Seriously,  something is broken, WFD...I haven't thrown that short in years....like since my first 2 years....hammer too.  Sheaf was ok...but I had been getting some great drive and that's gone too....and WOB...shhhhhhh...I just can't.

But stone felt ok...Funny, I know.  Open was herky jerky....but the pieces I have been trying to fix were much better. 

My favorite thing this game was caber.  We had 3...first one was super light and only 11 feet.  Which is super cool, 'cause like I said we had lots of new folks.  I told a couple of the more experienced throwers to cool it...I was first up....so they took it easy with the pick.  The next caber was light but like 16 feet.  Dang you gotta pull hard to turn those.  Then the last one was more like 57 pounds and a little over 16 feet....again...hard pull.  That was a new caber too.  and well, a little raw.  I turned the thing and Edie and CJ came up to me and high fived me and all I could say is, "could you get that sliver out of my neck?"  Edie ended up with one in her neck too.  It just needed a little more TLC.

My frustrations started to get the best of me, just like in Flag,  I hate when I am such an asshole.  Grant does his best to cool my jets, but I just don't get it.  I mean I do....I get the time and energy thing....but in the moment of my terrible throwing, the wonky arms and tangled feet, I forget what I know on an intellectual level and just got straight to "what the Hell, why do you suck." 

See, I already know the "whys,"  so please don't think I am being negative about myself here.  I know, I am where I am, and that's just the truth...and it's fine.  I am still out there and I am still working on improving on today. Further, I know that I am throwing my best right now, for where I am in my life. I can't want for more than that.

Ok...hit the gym today and it was what BJ called conditioning....
 Kidding....lots of 5 minute super sets and ending with this insane 10 minutes of 7 second sprints on the rower...

I am sore as hell...from last week, from the game, from today, and from getting pt AND a massage on Thursday before we left.  I won't make that mistake again.

I wanna send out a little thank you to this woman here.

 Again, I cannot remember when we met, what game.  But I do remember being super duper intimidated by you.  She seemed so...fierce.  All this bad ass, don't fuck with me sorta attitude....not sure when she let me in a little...but then I got to see that smile. 
This is yet another women in this sport that has helped me in so many ways...yes in clinics, but in much more intangible ways as well.  I stalk her pretty frequently...y'all know she is an athlete for the Grrrl clothing brand...and if you know the brand, you know why.  I have never ever seen her be anything but supportive of other athletes.  I adore watching her lifting videos and all that crazy strongman stuff she does.  And well, I am pretty sure that Heather and Andy kept me from punching out a security guard at my wedding...True story. 

One of the things that I can do with her that I don't feel comfortable doing with anyone else is celebrating a throw.  I have literally crossed the field to find her to share something that goes right... and I can do that because of her genuine support of all of the people out there on the field. 

And because her success bolsters me and I can see that mine does the same.

Thanks for being you and for keeping me coming back.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

More tests

Road trippin to Pleasanton...and Colorado this weekend.

The Colorado Scottish Festival is back in Denver this weekend...yippie.  I am predicting a rough game as I am sore as shit today.

TESTS.

Tuesday:
3 rep on back squat  235
"Agility Drill" 6.5 seconds
40 yard "dash"  7.78 seconds

Sooooo humbling, I realize I am not training my squat right now, but dang.  A little more than 18 months ago, my three rep was like 305....popping that knee out really has me, sad.  But really?  Whatever, I already knew I wasn't as strong as I used to be.  This is where I am. Hopefully I can keep getting this knee stronger and there will be progress on this number.  Same with the running...this is me....all I want is to be a little better in 14 weeks.

Wednesday:
Hex Bar Dead 3 rep max 285
400 meter "sprint"  2:32
Airdyne 5x30second sprints 48 calories.

I had more in me for the deads...I was supposed to take 2 shots at it, I decided NOT to do a third because I had to "run"...hahahaha.  God I hate running.  Nothing gasses me more...or hurts my knees more.

Today:
Bench 3rep max 125
Kneeing Chest Pass  30 pound ball 190 inches
Reverse Toss   30 pound ball 234 inces
10min on Airdyne for calories 99

Looks like my bench is the only lift that hasn't completely fallen apart...and if you have followed me for long you'll get how funny that is.  I went for 130 and failed.  All of these numbers are like...Ok...let's see where we go from here.

Very different form my expectations when I am throwing...speaking of which, have I thrown this week? NO...every single time it was time to throw, it started to rain. Oh well....


I am tired this week and sore.  I have PT and a massage before the game Saturday, thank the 8 pound 6 ounce baby jebus.

I am actually really looking forward to retesting this stuff...all of it.  Yes the running too....



Oh, nothing to report on the 100 yet....hahahaha

Heading back to Colorado this weekend has gotten me thinking of how thankful I am that I met Mark Buchanan .  I can't really remember when we met, but I am always grateful when I am at a game with him.  He is another person in this sport that has helped me to keep coming back.  I cannot even really explain way.  There is just something about the way he treats people, athletes that makes you know you are more than just welcome, but that you need to be there...


Which brings me to someone else whom I just adore and I am endlessly grateful for.  Again, I cannot remember at which game we met, it may have been a Flagstaff game ages ago.  Beth Burton.  Dang I love love love being on the filed with her.  I love hanging out with her and Shannon.  I remember at my first Enumclaw game, she was throwing elites...I'm a noob with the Masters and she made the time to pull me aside because she saw me getting frustrated or annoyed with myself and she helped me calm down about and coach me a little on stone. (clearly I need more of her mojo with that) I can only imagine the pressure at her level, yet there she was; straightening  my ass out.  There was also a year in Pleasanton when I needed a lift from the airport....there were Beth and Shannon to save my butt....and there was a group of us that went shopping...that was the year I forgot my shorts! I just get the giggles when I see her on the field...so grateful for the example she sets and for knowing that I can reach out to her without judgement.

And she let's me sit on her lap and be a goof... I just love her.




Tuesday, July 31, 2018

one week gone....NO!!!!

It's ok, time moves.

So, 5 weeks now, and I am not really making enough progress to the 100,  I am at 102.7.

And what did I do since Friday to prep for Pleasanton??

Well, everyday, even this morning , I have been doing my PT work.  I have scheduled a massage.  I threw stones and weights in my yard on Saturday, and I threw hammers and weights on Sunday.

Not bad....the throwing though...ugh.  Something has shifted in my hammer, and not in the right direction. I am not even throwing it as far as I did in May....sigh....

Speed continues to be an issue....I am starting up too fast and I am not driving the hammer head....too gentle.  Ha.

As for the gym...yikes.

It is a testing week....Talked to BJ a little, this will be a 14 week program...focusing on getting the power production when you need it.  SO...um....speed...  I won't be dialed in or peaking for Pleasanton, but you know...that's ok.  I am just happy to jump on this train...

So what did I test yesterday?

3 rep max on a clean...(sad) 125, probably could have gone a little higher.
2000 meter row  9:48.  I was happy with the pace I set to start and I was able to, at the 1/2 way mark, up the pace a little.
Vertical Jump  19.25 inches, hopefully I can increase this in 14 weeks.
Triple Jump thing  20.15 inches. So much jumping.


There is more testing the rest of the week....I'll post as I get these done.


I wanted to thank a couple more folks....my friend Grace.  I honestly cannot remember exactly when we met.  I am pretty sure I met her before my first game....but it was at my first game that she reached out a hand to me.  See, I showed up to my very first game without a kilt.  I didn't have much of anything with me.  Grace, who didn't really know me from a hole in the ground, gave me her car keys and told me to go get her extra kilt that was in her back seat. 
There it is....

Since then....well, Grace is my sister.  She has seen me through some pretty dark stuff; as well as one of the most joyful days of my life, and it all started over a borrowed kilt. 

That first game, I also met this crazy lady:
I know we are silly and goofy and shenanigans filled,  but Michelle has had my back from what feels like day one.  She has also fought for me when it wasn't even requested.  I am both inspired by her and made hopeful by her presence in my life.  It's great to be able to bounce not just the good things off of you, but the tough things we go through as aging athletes. The ways in which we can beat ourselves up unnecessarily. Somehow though...we move past that shit, I hope I help you move past it too, and inevitably crack ourselves up.

I love these two women, Grace and Michelle.

You both have shown me that I am worth being around, just for being me.  You have both shown me that I am an athlete, no matter how I actually throw on any given day. And frankly, you both have kept me coming back when I really wanted to walk away from both the games and myself.

Thanks you two...