Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Baby steps away from fear,

Okie dokie gym report....yippie.

Last night...Open my programming and it has throwing and back I escaped having to face a WOD again.  I suppose I could have...but I didn''m a baby. 

boo hoo


135  Quick and snappy
185  About the same
205 eh...a lot bit slower...

225  oh, not so bad.
235  What?  why is this killing me!
OK so what to do...235 feels heavy, last week I did all 3 sets at 235.

Oh, listen a voice..

"Oh shut up...just load the fucking bar and stop thinking about it so much."

oh...didn't expect that....ok bitch  260

guess what happened?  up down:up down:up down

ok throwing time, I am avoiding WFD~ so sheaf, some hammer winds...and "stone." The new building has cinder block walls, which means I can actually let a medicine ball fly from my throwing position without denting the wall.  Cool.

The new space is weird, but I am sure I'll get used to it...the saddest thing? Low ceilings. 

Neck felt...ok last night..a little crabby this morning...working the mobility things Paul gave me.


I saw yesterday that my programing had me doing a WOD...Hang Snatches too, but the WOD has been the issue now for over  2 months. So,  I get to the gym...and do my light and snappy hang snatches....focusing on my lazy back.

As the rest of the group is finishing the lifting portion, I find myself looking to Sarah and Kori for some confirmation that I will be ok to try the workout.  It is something that I would have LOVED to do 2 months ago:

2 rounds
1 min tire flips
1 min slam balls
1 min row (calories)
1 min hammer hits
1 min atlas stone ground to shoulder

Sarah always gives me this "quit being a ninny" look, you know in that supportive way she can.  I joked with Kori that today could be the day 'cause there were firefighters and doctors there to save me if I needed it.

I asked Will too...I seriously don't know why he is so nice to me and puts up with my crap, but he does. He suggested I leave out the rowing if I wanted, but I did it anyway.

I didn't go super hard nor did I go for all the heaviest stuff...but I didn't go to the lightest things either...I got all the way through it.  I was breathing heavy at the end....LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 

Then, I just had to see if I could flip the heavy tire at least once and I did.  I sat for a moment on the couch~checking in with the pulse and checking my breathing.

I feel like I made it over some sort of speed bump today...I also kept my word to myself about getting back to the WODs and well I am writing this so~I didn't die....

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Weekend Lessons

So, I set up a second meeting for the Zia Ladies to check up on our 2013 goals.  I think it got lost in the soon to be summer shuffle and well...I was not super surprised when no one showed up.  I ended up having a burger and a glass of wine on the "patio" of Capitol Bar & Grill. was kinda nice...just as I was finishing up, Kori came by...It was great to sit and chat.  We had never done that before...she told me a story which I think I really really needed to hear and as silly as this sounds, I think it was the reason no one else showed up on Friday.

The gist of things, Kori asked me if I was afraid of being successful, of being good at something, afraid of the pressure I think other people are placing on me..since there is not anything actualy wrong with the structure of my heart....

Yeah I know...this has been suggested before and I kinda hate that I may be the one bringing some of this on myself...


I spent most of the next day cleaning out the spaces around me...clearing clutter making room..not sure for what...but there it is.

Then I saw Paul on Monday...Y'all know how I was feeling about this...I get nervous when I see him...especially when I am feeling fragile...He was great actually.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Today is NOT the day to tough it out or to push through the pain. You have to tell me exactly what you are feeling good or bad."

He made some other interesting observations as well....the pain tied to the heart stuff...and this one blew my head Brachial nerve complex and veins and such...they were all pinched and tied up and down and not working right which made my neck over compensate...He really felt like the heart my body responding to being in pain.  It's only gonna take so much before something gives....and my heart racing is a reflection of not only emotional stress but also the physical stress of this messy system of mine.

It will never be "fixed" but I can manage it better....honestly..I am seeing him AGAIN this week and again next week before I leave for Utah.

I wonder why I still wait until I am falling apart before I ask for help.

The other really funny thing he said to me....Some of these issues are because you decided on an unbalance system to become an athlete...some of your systems are over firing, some under firing...we need to get them ALL firing and find the new athletic balance. 

Then he makes me look him right in the eyes...and says, "I just want to make sure you understand, you throwing and training...did NOT cause any of this pain."


Take this in...he says...keep training while we work on this Brachial mess, just stop if your body tells you too.  You hardly training, but not in pain is better than training hard, but being in pain. really is all Greek to me until Paul puts it into simple terms...

Something about the conversation with Kori and the work with Paul are related to me...but I am just not smart enough to be able to put it to words.

I am going back to they gym space for Zia...see if I can lift with less pain and perhaps even try to get the freaking WOD in with out being afraid....

No one likes to see me like this when I look at a WOD...

Friday, May 24, 2013

trying and falling and getting back up.

By summer time last year I was pretty good at getting right back to the gym after a games...well...Monday....just didn't happen.  I am STILL working on this stinking cold which I have now passed on to Vivi...sorry kiddo~

Tuesday I got my butt to the gym and decided to do two lifts instead of the one that was scheduled.

Back Squats:

135, fine easy blah
185, ok...snotty, blah
205, sigh why does this feel heavy?


235, Did BJ turn on the floor magnets again?  I decided I was tired or lazy maybe, but I decided to stay at this weight for all of the sets....

Clean & Jerks:

I am still working on cleaning up form on these so I went light...concentrating on having an active back.  I know if I can get this into muscle memory it will mean bigger lifts and hopefully better throwing form too.

55, 65, 75

Then I did my box jump thinggy and I tried a drill that one of the throwers showed me for WFD...I doubt I did it right, but there it is.

The next day?  My neck was so bad I could barely move by the end of the day....I vacillated between tears of pain and just rage.  I head over to the doc to pick up my prescription for my heart crap and I ask about an appointment for an adjustment. She has worked on my neck before and has brought me to a whole new place with it.  The woman at the desk says...July.

What?  Ok doesn't she have anything set aside for "emergencies"?


Um I am in a lot of you have a call list in case you have a cancellation?

We don't. Just call occasionally to see if someone cancelled.

So I get in my car...pissed...Just call?  Really? No list?

A shame really, her work is good...I will make a series of appointments, but I really can't describe the shape the neck it in right now.  Ah...Paul, let's see if I can get into Paul.  I am reticent to call for a couple reasons...He is booked lately, it can hurt to work with him, and frankly, sometimes he yells at me and I sorta can't deal with that right now.  I just make the fucking call....he calls me back and miracle of miracles he had an appointment for me on Monday.


Sheaf work, Hammer winds....(these hurt my stupid ass neck) and then I have added this thing I saw on strong and far. It's a stone throwing drill where you have one foot up on a box to help with the power coming from your back leg....kinda cool.

Hang Cleans:



These were ok...I paused in the position over the knee, taking care to engage my lazy back...

When I was done...I had another freaking tachy event...I just stayed on the floor...I was dizzy and IRRITATED.

I had a meeting to go to after the gym and the heart just kept on marching along without my permission.  I finally felt better about an hour later...but I am worn the hell out today from it and yeah...the clean & jerks aggravated my neck. Not nearly as bad as I was on Wednesday....

I get to see Paul Monday and I am hopeful that we can get this stinking thing back in place. In the mean time I am still too freaked out to do the regular workouts at the gym, by not doing them I am feeling less and less able to do them.

The gym is moving locations this weekend so I think when that is done, I need to really talk to BJ about how to get back into this more and how to structure what I do for the rest of the summer...just gotta get back up.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Throws and expectations.


I finished the games....

That was my main goal this weekend, to see if I can finish games again.  I did have a minor little heart thing start up after lunch.  I think I waited too long to eat and I ate too fast....AND I was worried about it happening.  Thankfully, the lovely Susan Forsythe-Copping was there to check my pulse and assure me that all I needed to do was calm down and breathe and I'd be fine. She also reminded me I had just thrown yeah...

I threw ok in the morning...not my best throws, no PR's and shy of normal numbers for me...but in sheaf I tied for 3rd which is something new...and I stayed calm about it which is also good. 

By the afternoon I was fading and I think that is probably because training has been lacking....well NOT lacking....I had to back off...

I also got to meet lots of new women.  Some beautiful form...Angela and Willow move like few throwers I have ever seen....and I swear I witnessed the birth of a champion.  Erica will probably be throwing with the A class and winning all over the place within a month or two.  She was something to watch. Huge power....huge throws...and she is just working on form.  Once she gets some of the technique down she is gonna be making the Masters proud by giving the top A ladies a run for it.

I have to admit, it was hard to watch someone else take the world record in WOB...but it was cool to see it go down so fast by this beautiful powerhouse.

I think I did ok for where I am at with my health and my life.  I am still proud of the fact that I can hold my own in this group of women, most of whom have always know what it is like to be an athlete. 

Now that I know it *is* possible to finish a games again...I have to have more fun.  Cause the health stuff was keeping me on the edge of panic most of the day.  Thankfully, Laura and Michaela and Petra were there to make me laugh and remember why I love Scottish Games. 

Dammit Laura kills me in the best sorta way....I have to get to Canada this year...

So as for the winners?

Erica & Laura & Michaela 

Huge throwers all. World records's crumbled. 

My numbers?

I ended second in Caber, WOB, Light Hammer and Third in Heavy Hammer and tied third in Sheaf.

Oddly, all the work I have done on WFD disappeared...and stone? I was throwing 5-8 feet short and I took a terrific fall on one of was kinda epic!

But honestly...I was thrilled by Sunday Morning that I did as well as I did.

I am enough.....

(see, I remembered!)

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Neck pain and slowly opening eyes...

So I haven't written in over a week...been having a whiny, bitchy, I am sick of hearing myself feel bad sort of 2 week stretch of time.  It started, I think, with the heart deal that I had at practice and there are all sorts of other "they really don't matter in the long run" sorts of things that I allowed to really get me down.  This morning driving to Albuquerque for an audition I had a bit of a what ever you call those things when you call your own bluff moments.  I'll call it a deelie bop...just cause I like the sound.

I realized that this screaming neck pain I am having is a gift's is taking my mind of the heart issue...and the heart issue is a gift because..XYZ....which led me all the way around all sorts of things I was taking too seriously...

 I was practicing stones and WFD on Mother's Day when Pierre said to me, "You've already given up on these games haven't you?"

"Yes I have."

"The why are you going?"

"I am supposed to."

EWWWWW...I really had that conversation? I really felt that way...well the drive to this audition and then the audition itself made me rethink this whole crap ass attitude.....I'll go with my friend Travis on this....All I need to do is do my best this weekend with where I am right now, and you know what...I am gonna listen to my friend.....Even if I come in last...I am still a pretty darn good thrower.

See...that's why I haven't been writing much...who wants to read that?

So thanks Deelie were much needed and you are much appreciated.

NOW...the schedule for Saturday...for the women 40-49

Heavy Hammer
Light Hammer


open Stone
Heavy Weight for Distance
Light Weight for Distance

Mother of god...caber is first?  Then sheaf?  Boy oh boy that could do a number on my confidence...Who put this together?  I'm kidding...there are like 12 different groups of athletes throwing on Saturday...I am grateful someone, other than I, figures out these logistics....

Come on out if you get a chance, or come on Sunday....there is so much more at this festival than just Highland haggis.....hahaha.. yeah.


I hope I get to the gym today too...yeah the gym....oh hey...there is the State Olympic weight lifting competition on Saturday go there if you are so inclined.  Ooodles of folks from Zia will be there and I am super bummed I am missing this competition. Check these guys out...they have started working with us on Saturdays and they are the tops!

Miller Weightlifting

Thursday, May 2, 2013

time to toss off that label...

How many times do you get to fall in love?  I know lots of people believe in the soul mate stuff...but with 7 BILLION people on the planet I can't get behind the idea that there is only one ideal person, one shot at finding "True Love" what ever "true love" even means....

I have fallen out of love and I am finally Ok with it. I finally realized I don't have to fit myself into a box I no longer and perhaps was never meant to fit into....

I fell in love with Crossfit almost 3 years ago....but for the last year or so I have been cheating on Crossfit with weightlifting mostly.  Yeah, I tried to go back to her...but we just don't seem to work well together anymore.  I still love her...see her value, appreciate what we share and how she changed my life...but....I think we drifted apart a while ago.

The good thing about this is that I have also finally let go of thinking that I need to look like this:

or that I have to learn a handstand pushup or a pistol or a muscle up.

I wanna move like this:

Well, that's not even really true...I wanna move the best I can in this event....

So, yeah...I still workout in a Crossfit gym and I am sure that Crossfit and I will flirt and perhaps even fall into a familiar intimacy again....but it is time for me to let her go...and say I am not a "Crossfitter" any more. 

I don't have a label for what I am or what I do...and I kinda like it that way because it means I don't have anyone's expectations of what I should look like or what I should be able to do hanging over me...

It's me...chubby~slow~but strong.

That's it.

So thanks Crossfit....It isn't's me, and well, I hope we can still be friends.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Fear driven or driving fear?

Becoming great in anything has everything to do with being driven and nothing to do with motivation. I have said it many times but motivation is fleeting. Being driven is on a far deeper level than being motivated. Drive comes from your core. It resides in the same place as your belief system, morals, and character qualities.
How do you become driven? Figure out what you want to be great at.
What are you willing to give up to accomplish your goals?
Are you willing to do the preparation necessary to be what you want?
Are you willing to remove people, things, and habits from your lives that can hinder your progress?
Can you be selfish enough day in and day out to be what you want?
Those questions must be answered if you are to be what you want. Deep introspection can always keep us on the path we choose. ~James Bullock
Yeah..I have posted this before~sue why today?  I know I am driven to become the best Highlands athlete I can...I have been...I swear...but lately?  I have become fearful and that fear competes with my drive.  I don't know how to balance the fear with simply doing the work.
Since this heart drama started...I am filled with fear....I had been cleared by the cardiologist to I did....but I really should be working on speed and power in preparation for the Master's game in two weeks.  This week I decided to stop over thinking this heart thing and do the prescribed workouts after I lift. So, what happened?

Throwing Sheaf & WFD foot work
3x10 Back extensions and good mornings.
Back squats
3x5  135  185  215
3x3  235  255  265
These felt crazy good...265 was 20 pounds more than I did two weeks ago.

The Wod:
2 rounds of “Barbara”
20 Pullups
30 Pushups
40 Situps
50 Squats
I saw this on the web page and thought...I should be able to do that...when I got to the gym...I saw people's times on the board...and I panicked.  I was scared to have my heart beat elevated for that long.  Is it really long? no...15-20 minutes...but I completely chickened out.  


More throwing hammer drills sheaf....blah blah blah....
This plyo box jump thingys that BJ has me do....
Then these 2+2 clean and jerks 7 times.  I went super duper I am really trying to fix my form on the oly lifts.
And then the WOD:
10 Rounds for time
25 yd Farmer’s Walk
50 Yd Shuttle Run

I couldn't do it....I could not bring myself to face the little bit of running.  I made excuses to myself about the box jump work I already did...but they are just excuses.

Walking away from workouts makes me feel like I am walking away from myself.  

It didn't help that yesterday the doc called and said they did see something on the monitor test and they want to see me again...."extra heart beats"?  What the shit does that even mean?  They also said it's nothing to worry about, but I don't seem to be letting go of the "nothing to worry about" stuff very easily.

At this same point last year I was super driven...I know that letting go of the games in April was the right thing to do, but I know I am not "willing to do the preparation necessary to be what you want?" In large part because I feel like my body has redrawn the lines and I have no idea where the boundaries are anymore.  I miss that Mona that pushed and pushed in the I just feel fear.

Fear of my own heart....that has multiple meanings doesn't it?

I really do understand how important it is to let your body recover from an injury...but this seems so...vague...amorphous....chaotic....I don't know how to find my drive withing this structureless "injury."

I decided this morning...I need to ask for help from those around I have...I am meeting with someone on Saturday who is really smart about things like visualization for athletes...and I think I am gonna ask my coaches for some guidance and a good swift kick in the ass too.