Tuesday, August 28, 2012

ropes, bands, and burns.

So, after my whining in yesterday's blog about crossfit...last night...I did crossfit.

I get in the gym...rolling around on a foam roller and la cross balls and I ask BJ...

"I have 2 days to workout...what should I do..."  I am feeling too lazy to think after all the planning to get my ass outta town.

"Just do today's workout...go light, go for speed. Do the deads with the band."

5x5 dead lifts

5 Power cleans
20 Double unders

5 Rounds

I don't know my time...I only know I went super duper light. 

Did the deads at I think 115 with the bands.  BJ advocated for the bands last week on both dead lifts and bench press....thought it would be a good idea for the explosive hoohaa I need for my sport...I both dislike them and love them at the same time.

Only used 65 for the power cleans...went as fast as I could....did single instead of doubles too...cause I am lame.

Before the workout, I was feeling I was pushing some of the ladies near me to go heavier...  Using my sweet voice of course...I think both Sarah and Kim wanted to punch me...but it was my way to lift heavy without actually lifting heavy.  Kim ended up using 105, when her one rep max is yeah...she is super amazing!  I don't know what Sarah ended up using..I just know I got her to slap 10 more pounds on.  I know...I am evil.

Post workout...was~fascinating.

Kim told me she climbed the I had her and Sarah show me what they had learned from BJ and Will...I had tried a while ago to learn...I would do all these progressions that were basically about me building my grip on the rope and pulling myself with my arms up the rope while my legs were disengaged.

um....maybe this is ok for a guy...but...ugh.

So...we start playing...I literally am having flashbacks to elementary school...I am having horrible images of myself hanging off the rope looking like a whale caught in a net....I am having a hard time.  BJ comes over and says to me, "stop thinking of climbing the rope, just think of holding on."  I actually have to close my eyes to feel what he is talking about, to stop the crazy amount of images flooding my brain telling me, "I can't."  I finally get my  foot position right...I finally see how he uses his abs, I finally *feel* how you start bent and simply stand up on the rope. I don't actually climb the damn thing...but I do hold on.  Eyes closed...but I can feel it this time.

I feel as though it is possible.

Can you imagine, I might learn to climb a rope at 44 years old...

Monday, August 27, 2012

phantom cars

The eldest has been gone for about two weeks.  It is odd, in this hyper connected culture, it almost does not feel like he is gone.  Kegan was so busy in classes and rehearsals that there have been many many weekends these last two years that I have hardly seen him during any given weekend.  I do find myself expecting to hear the door at about 9:30 at night...and the car...oh the car. 

I find my heart jumps just the tiniest bit when I see an old white Honda Accord on the road.  I expect to see the boy singing and his silly Steelers crap all over the car and to see him reach out the window with those impossibly big hands of his to wave as he drives by.

But nope. 

As for my workouts?  hmmm, light all last week.  BJ game me some new drills to do with a medicine ball too.  I sort of had a pang for CrossFit last week odd mixture of missing those workouts and a little fear.  I have 6 more weeks left of my lifting program.  Last week and this week I am not actually doing the program, I am just doing "warm up lifts."  I will have been away from any sort of consistent CrossFitting for like 4 months because of these breaks. 

I have to say...I be a scared monkey.

Once I go back, I am gonna suck so bad...I look at some of the posted WOD's and think...I can't do that anymore! Well, there is a ton of stuff I still can't do, but I worry about going back to it. On the other hand...I seem to gravitate toward the things I suck at~sometimes.  I may just need a push, but it is some time down the road.

I am happy with this long ass program and I also look forward to how BJ will help me structure the training from here until May..that is the long term focus after all.  I feel like I am already seeing the benefits of this straight up strength program with my throwing.  Some of this is also the head space I am in about the games.  I am more relaxed..I think...this weekend will probably test that assessment....since it is such a huge games.  I fell like I am beginning to trust myself what I do know and accept that I know so little.

There were some games this Spring, Worlds being one, that I felt this pressure not to disappoint all of the people who have been so freaking supportive.  I finally realized, because they TOLD ME, that it is not my job to do this for throw well for them. It is really for me.

Yikes, hard to say that....I feel selfish...but I am letting go of that day by day, lift by lift, game by game. 

"If it ain't fun, why do it." ~thanks for that Grant. I am not throwing for anyone but me this weekend, although no matter how I throw, I will raise a glass to all of my Zia Team and my Highland Family. 


And are the best. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

had to repost

 I have been struggling with something lately that I have, honestly been too embarrassed to write about.  In large part because I felt If I complained publicly about my body one more time...I would alienate all of my friends who have been so supportive of this journey. It hits me every time I go compete.  I feel good, strong, powerful and in my head I see myself a certain way...then I see photos...and I am torn by my inner vision of self vs. the actual photos of me.

I have not yet accepted how I look and what I choose to pursue athletically...I am still that uptight 15 year old who would stop eating for weeks at a time because I thought I was fat...images in mirrors held me hostage.  I work very hard at seeing the power in the photos of me competing instead of seeing myself through my 15 year old self's eyes.

So...then...I come across this....this bravery...this acceptance...this blog post.

Self acceptance...

My journey is not hers...nor hers, mine....I cannot look at the women at Zia and hate myself for the road I took 15 years ago...

It’s not about what I look like, it’s about where I’ve come from. 

It is also about what I choose to do now....

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


Went back to the doc yesterday for a second session don't know what it is...she is a DO not an MD and she does some sort of manipulation work.  Not chiropractic...very different.  Very gentle.  So gentle that I wonder if she is even touching me at times. I had wanted to see her before Odessa because my neck has been bad, bad, bad. Now, I should clarify that this year's bad and last year's bad are very different.  Some of you who read this did not know me before I started to see the PT guy I go to; at the point I started working with Paul I could only turn my head about 15 degrees on the left and only about 10 degrees on the right.  My *super supportive doctor* told me I only had about  10 years of mobility left in where I am now compared to then is as vast as an ocean.

That being said...I have become accustomed to a certain level of continual pain... tightness... irritation; even numbness in my hand.

Ok, cut to the chase....the doc worked on me yesterday and said that the placement was better, that the neck was not as bad as it had been in the previous session...which I already knew.  There is this funny thing that can happen to me when I get body work, sometimes I feel much worse for almost a week after treatment before I feel better.  I always assume something is shifting.  Well, even post competition, I woke up Monday and my neck felt a bit better than it had all weekend.

Post treatment yesterday....I was actually completely pain free.

I was almost scared.  I am so used to being in pain that the lack of pain feels...unsettling?

I hate to admit this, but I think that after almost 15 years of this crap that I have come to define myself by this pain. Who am I without it?  Am I ready to let it go?  What happens if it is gone?

Of course, intellectually I want it gone...but what goes beyond that, what on a cellular level defines me by pain? Is it also something I lean on so that I don't have to work as hard in the gym or on the field?

lots for me to think about here....

I did go to the gym last night which I don't normally do after body work...a couple of reasons...I wanted to just move.  I also wanted to see how I could workout and maintain this...lack of feeling in my neck.  I did, by the way.  I did not trigger anything.  At about 10:30 last night, something slid back in...but that is the longest stretch I can ever remember.

From neck pain...I was of course still hyper aware of it though....

Perhaps it is possible to, as Paul the PT guy puts it, feel better than you ever thought you could. I know I have felt "better" but is it possible to feel "good," is it possible to *not* think about my neck?

Maybe, just maybe, I am ready to find out.

oh...and here is the 18...  ha!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Quit looking at me...

Well,  here is the quickie update.

I signed.

She will look for things listed as "sturdy farm wife" (my suggestion)  I am currently looking for other quick character descriptions that fit me....please post them if you will.

some obvious ones:

back round gym rat
scottish athlete
sturdy farm wife
prison guard

The audition was.........weird.  Having been an actor for as long as I have, I know when some one is not listening, so I ended up only doing half of the work I had prepared. She was only looking to see "how I looked " on camera and if I could remember my lines.

Not what I got into acting for, but I still feel like it was an important step for me to take. 

As for the games in Odessa....

Tiny, quiet games...three brand new women came out...whoot!  One of them my friend Lisa who came with me.  She did so well...I am so proud of here for taking the risk...I know it isn't easy.

We threw some events off of platforms because we were in a horse barn and if we hadn't, there would have been some strained knees and ankles from the funky ground.  The roof kept us cool...I think the festival has some tweaking and promotion to do, but I think it could be a good games as it builds.

I slid off the platform during weight for distance...twice...that was funny. I was just happy I didn't fall on my ass.

I learned a lot about my glide for my open stone....more  things to fix and practice. I suspect that I have been working on one aspect of my stone throwing for so long, that I have neglected the power aspect.  sigh....I have 2 weeks to fix that.  yeah...right.

Same thing with sheaf, both Jerry and Grant pointed out something I can fix....I am rushing and not finishing clean, hmmm I have never heard that before about form....  :)

Hammer was super sweet...something feel into place.  It was funny...I was not going to take any extra throws, but the women were teasing me to just take a throw already...Jerry was bugging me too saying I'd regret it if I didn't.  So I did...glad too...I cracked it...over 70. 

Thanks for the teasing!

WOB...I just kept looking at the bar when I was done, 18 feet.  I saw the weight clear 18 6 but...not OVER the bar.  Kinda thrilling.  I decided after Flagstaff to never look at the bar again before I throw.   It works better for me...but I'll tell ya this: I could not stop looking at it after we were finished...looking at it makes me think....what else can I do it without looking, before saying, "I can't."

Thursday, August 16, 2012

well, that hurts.

Traveling cuts down on the number of days to biggy....I have decided this week to squeeze in 3 days of work with no rest days...since I can rest in the car on the way to Odessa.  Unfortunately, I jacked my neck during the trip to Oklahoma...which doesn't take much...sigh.  My right side feels particularly weak.  That should make for an interesting day of throwing on Saturday.

This week has only 2 lifts per workout...well~ if you ignore good mornings and Romanian Deadlifts.


Shoulder Press (blah)
 2x5x45  These feel good...:)  I am working on my stupid neck flexibility, so I focus on the corrections Will has been giving me on this lift...pulling my head out of the way and NOT arching my back.
1x5x65  ok
1x3x85 good
1x2x100  but I get them both.
2x5x122.5 um...not even.  I drop the weight to 100...I get 2 more reps.  Drop the bar to 95...I get 1.  sigh.

Back squat.  Not looking forward to this...since on Friday I could not even get the working set on my back (245).

2x5x45 I use this set to check my form and my breathing!
1x2x200  I love how it goes up by 50...made it easy to load.
2x5x250.  I play a game with myself, that I only loaded 205...First set. I get under it... it feels...heavy...but my body doesn't reject it. I step back...squat. up. squat. up. squat...push through the floor....up.  3 reps not five.  I go sit against the wall...check to see if my right eye is still in the socket.  I do a second set of 3  the last one...I was a little forward...

Last set is as many as I can do...I got one.

Again, I did not prepare for my post workout...this is a lot of weight...for me. I have to go to the store when I am done...and I had a moment when I thought I might be having a stroke.  I know, can I be any more dramatic?....I really thought I might die.  What the Hell.  I grabbed some stupid protein shake at the store and I felt better in like...5 freaking minutes. 

Talked to BJ a bit before I started, we decided that I should go ahead and lift the Wednesday lifts full out last night, then today I will do warm up sets and speed stuff.  I am sooooo happy he is there, guiding this process. 

1x2x115  These all feel good to this elbows....low catch..then....
5x3x135 Wow....I could not get under the bar!  I tried at least 9 times before I got it.  I was mad, frustrated, irritated.  The weight didn't feel heavy.  BJ kept saying I was getting up to my shoulder and then not getting under it...I kept tipping forward...ugh so irritating. I did like 5 more before I got a second clean... All in my tiny brain I am sure.

Bench Press
1x2x115...these felt good
2x5x130...ugh  This felt heavy...made my neck feel weird too.  I thing I got 3 in the first set, 1 on the second set....

Oh well...I always have a mixed bag...

I realized last night that I really really need to get off my booty and throw the next two weeks... Pleasanton is coming up soon...and I need to throw and throw and throw before I go.

I am about 1/2 way through this lifting program and sometimes I feel really strong and sometimes I feel like I will never make any gains (I am looking at you shoulder presses).

I am headed to Texas Friday.. with my friend Lisa...and she is gonna throw. 

AND..I have that audition I have something good to report later...but send me a little love at about 3pm today..I'll need it.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


This weekend, as y'all know, we took our boy to college....Oklahoma City University.

I must admit...we had a great time.  Really...I may have had a few too many slushie drinks and a few too many beers while we bowled....but still...Heather, Marwin, Pierre and I had a ball.

As this "day" has approached...I had all these expected emotional ups and downs, but the morning of the move, Monday..we pulled onto the campus and all I felt was excitement.  All these good memories form my college days came back....all the rush that possibility brings. The thrill that this kid, found a place that he feels good at, doing what he loves to do.....dammit...we all need to find that.

This campus cracked me up too....they are PREPARED.  They had a DJ...yes I just typed that...they had a freaking DJ in their quad during move in.  There was a gaggle of sorority girls direction the new students where to go....there were hoards of Frat boys hauling kids belongings....a huge crew of shuttle drives and RA's and all kinds of people easing this transition.

We get to his room....after all these boys moved boxes for us...and he looks at us and basicly can go.


Yes, I got this, I will do this...I am gonna put music on, drink coffee, and set this up.

um, can I make your bed or something? (yes I said that)

No guys can go...I'm good.

It was odd, but is his life after all....time to keep letting go....I gave him a a little choked up...and we hit the road.

The whole process was less than a half an hour.

Now I know we are missing out on some events; Vivi had to be at school tomorrow...but I think it might just be better that way.

The anticipation was so much more 'work' than the event itself....there is a lesson there about being in the moment for me. 

A DJ...I still can't get over that one!

Thursday, August 9, 2012


This is what happens when I wait to long to do something...

For a couple of years I have gone to Pierre on and off about contacting his agent...well, it finally happened...head shot...resume were sent to said agent.


phone calls...emails...


see...I am not right for this crap.

Ok fine...finally he gets through...yes she got the head shot & resume...but she is so busy...she has too many clients.

Fine, fine...she'll consent to see me. 

next week.

and guess what?  I need a monologue.  a movie monologue.

really?  dear god...please no.

me...a monologue....auditioning in a tiny office....for one person~who is too busy to see me~who has too many actors in her corral already~who was not interested in my resume.


and yea...there is that little thing of my kid moving this weekend....yeah.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

boring numbers

Just another quick one here...

Mainly because I much say, I am sort of proud of these numbers and how much help I had in getting these numbers.

Back squat
Was supposed to do 2x5 at 240

Did 3 in the first set. 2 in the second. then I did 4 in a third set.

Kinda got excited because my one rep max is 225.  I nearly had a horrific accident with the bar because I was careless about unloading it.  :)  Was urged along by Will for that third set....and the side coaching I got from Travis about my breathing?  WOWZERS...These reps felt pretty good....pretty darned upright too.

Bench Press

supposed to do 2x5 at 125, then final set as many as possible.

Did 2 sets of 5, then the last set~6.  Never did that before.

Again, I got kinda silly, as my one rep max for the bench is 125. Sarah was my spotter..and may I say publicly...a great spotter and coach!  She thinks it was the power of her nostrils that helped me get the bar up~but I know it was her gentle encouragement and belief in me that pushed that bar.

Did snatches and good mornings and grip work too...stayed WAY late to cool down by jumping rope and playing with LeAnn  and Will's baby, Aislin. 

Just ticking away at the work....I also have more games coming up than I had planned for....I think I must be crazy.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Nicest thing said to me.....

Got my lazy self out of bed this morning, slowly, as I had a bit too much tequila last night. Made coffee, watched the weather channel (yea, I know, just look outside), pried myself off the couch, and Pierre says to me, "I know you don't believe me, but you really have changed your body."

I stopped in my tracks, looked at him, and for the first time....I did believe him. I didn't have the urge to dismiss his comment as him just trying to be nice or supportive. I thanked him too. I know this journey of mine has not been easy on him either.

Most people don't really see the change in my body, I have not become skinny or ripped. Friends who haven't seen me in a while don't ever say, "you've lost weight". But he sees the strength, the confidence, the power that was never there before.

So thanks really is one of the nicest things you've said to me and that I have allowed my self to hear.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Tuna, tea, turmoil

Don't ask, I am sitting at my desk, eating tuna, drinking tea....Pierre just brought me lunch and I said to him, "I don't know how I am gonna get through these next two weeks.  There are so many changes coming and I feel so frozen by it all that I can't even remember what I am supposed to do from minute to minute.  I know it is all good stuff...but I feel like I can't move."

Oh well, we all have these kind of times pass through our lives...I also know I have more changes to make soon....job/art crap things I must put to the back of my little brain....but they are niggling needs that; as other things shift and change, keep screaming for my attention.

As for the next few weeks....I came across this blog post today that also seemed to scream for my attention...although the author is speaking specifically to the speaks to me on a much more global scale.

It's from

Good Genetics

Many people seem to be concerned with good genetics versus bad genetics, which I don’t get, and I never will.
Here’s the thing, you have what you have. What are you going to do with it? If your 5 feet tall, in your 20′s and you want to be 6 feet… well keep wishing jackass cause it isn’t going to happen. I wish my example was extreme, but unfortunately there are individuals that have unattainable goals like the above.
The Three Keys (The Epic Trinity)
Good genetics or not, nothing - and I mean nothing - trumps DISCIPLINE, HARD WORK ETHIC , and CONSISTENCY. Sure there are things that can be done to help your progress such as proper nutrition and a specific training program, but without the three keys as your foundation you will not progress in any capacity.
It isn’t enough to have a little discipline, or have random moments of hard work. It is extremely important to have ABSOLUTE discipline, ABSOLUTE hard work ethic, and ABSOLUTE consistency to achieve your goals.

How do you get absolute discipline?

You don’t give yourself ANY other option but to do what you need to do to accomplish your goals. The only things that should ever keep you from training is family obligations, severe injury, or illness. The first two can be worked around most times. Everyone has the same amount of days and hours in the week. Family should always come first but that doesn’t mean you can’t find time to train. You can train around many injuries, but I wouldn’t suggest training through illness.

How do you get absolute hard work ethic?
Anyone and I mean anyone can work hard for an hour, a day, and even a week, but to do it day in and day out for as long as it takes and then continue doing it after you have reached your goals is a different animal entirely.
After you have decided what your goals are you MUST ask yourself a very important question.

Are you prepared to do what is necessary to achieve your goals?
If the answer is yes then you must commit your mind, body and soul to giving everything you have to progress daily toward your goals. Forget about good genetics. When it is time to train, give everything you have to that session. You will never get that time back, there are no do overs in training or in life.

How do you get absolute consistency?
This one involves one little word that is endangered amongst most of the known world, and that word is PATIENCE. You can not be consistent if you lack patience. If results are not coming as fast as YOU would like them too don’t just throw what you are doing out the window and change the game plan. Be patient give it some time, some real time. That doesn’t mean you don’t evaluate what you are doing on a regular basis and try to improve on it, but starting something on Monday and expecting results by the following Monday is being very impatient.
If people spent less time worrying about what they don’t have and focused on what they do have we would have a lot more happier people in the world. Good genetics really are just a suggestion.

 I am personally having issues with the final piece of this blog...patience.  I actually had this creep in when I met with BJ yesterday about my programing.  I was sort of trying to get out of having to do so many shoulder presses...ha.....he gently called me on it and just as this post suggests...I need to be patient with the programing. We will shift after I have completed it. BJ also made me look at what I have been able to do.  We did tweak the sheer number of Olympic lifts downward as well as when I do the lifts. The important thing is to work through the program, to show up and lift even when I don't feel like it.  

That is what I did yesterday...I felt like crap, lifted like crap, didn't want to do it.  But I swear, I walk in that place and the people around me always seem to at least help shift my mood.  I still didn't feel like lifting, but I at least felt like staying to do the work.  Well, some sort of work.... :) I did give what I had to the session, it is just that sometimes....I don't have too much to give.

I am also impatient about my artistic lift as well...but I have already written about that.  

Perhaps...Mona....perhaps I need more discipline and consistency in this area as well.....time to go back to acting class....time to find a film acting class......time to find an agent.....time to reach out and give what I have to it.