just 21 days!

 I have been having this conversation with a couple of groups of friends lately...

I cannot deal with the general thoughts around changing a habit or starting a new habit.

This:

"Commit to a personal or professional goal for 21 straight days. After three weeks, the pursuit of that goal should have become a habit. Once you’ve established that habit, you continue to do it for another ninety days. If you can keep up something for three weeks and then ninety days, then it should become a permanent lifestyle change."

 

This has never ever worked for me...EVER.

Nope Nope....Back in 2010 when I got started on this fitness journey I committed to the first three months...hard.  Then I kept it up...later that year I committed to eating a certain way...eating better....

I kept that up too...for like a year.  I started a new sport etc.  But none of it sticks..

When I had to leave my first gym, I almost didn't go back, when BJ shut down...Ugh..that STILL kills me.  I still miss that community. 

I still fight to go to the gym.

10.  Years.  Later.

There is no habit...certainty not a "permanent lifestyle change."  

 I fought to go today...and as for that eating well thing.

Yea.

Fuck me.

 

 "permanent lifestyle change."

 

I was bitching and moaning to my friend Grace about this....she threw me a bone....

Trauma Brain.

There may be physical do-dads in my brain that have been informing this behavior...ways that the brain learns to rewire to deal with trauma, especially in early childhood, that have simply changed the way my brain functions. 

I will remind myself that these were survival adaptions so in this case I will choose not to berate myself that I should be able to work harder to change it or some such crap. I can't. This is who I am. 

From here on out, I will strive to let go of thinking of creating a permanent life style change....especially around food.....and I may just try to take it like many folks to in recovery.

One fucking day at a time.

My brain will always have done the critical work of survival...I can't change that.  So maybe instead, I can take care of that pile of jello in my skull and stop asking it to do things it can't.

Like maybe be thankful for the trauma survival response and take the pressure off the jello(and myself) of trying to make it fit into a way of being that doesn't work...for me.

And I'll keep fighting to do the things I like to do....

 

What? Wha?

 I almost forgot...I have a blog.

HA.

Oh well, Looks like I have let this; like so many other things right now, fall away, fall apart, fall into disarray.

I guess that is all I really have to say.  I feel like so much is or has fallen away, fallen apart.  Some of it is ok....But my brain is mush.

I am constantly beating myself up for my weight gain and going to the gym feels.....pointless.

Utterly pointless.

I remember the days of setting goals for a season or an off season...I cannot imaging doing that right now.  Between the time I intentionally stepped away to focus on the show Rod and I built and the Achilles tear and the pandemic...

Yea...and any thoughts of pushing forward with the momentum on the show is gone... even getting head shots done....I have been talking about that since April? 

And now add the shame I feel about how I look...I just can't.

And yes...I am fully aware.....I am fucking lucky.

Which then wraps around and I feel even worse that I am a useless blob.....because I have no "excuses."

Happy Tuesday....ha.  Anyway, I started this blog to honestly share my experience as a midlife crisis athlete...and I suppose I am not being honest even with myself ( or my 5 readers) about how utterly shitty I feel right now.

And how utterly pointless and ridiculous I feel trying to "be an athlete" or an artist feel right now.

I did go to the gym today and felt....like a dummy.

Ha.  No really...it's all sorta funny.