Tuesday, November 26, 2013

a minor streak

Guess what? 

Yes, yes...I did the crossfit insanity both yesterday and today at, as I count it...that's a 6 day streak.  I don't count the weekends...just the weekdays....the days I show up and do the WOD instead of chickening out. 

I know...not some sort of world record here, but I am learning something....I am not as far gone as I had thought.  I have not quit...yet...and I am not always dead last begging for it to stop. I am having some fun too.  Had some nasty lessons thrown my way the last two days as well.  That has always seemed to be my relationship with this crossfit thing. 



3x10 back squats

then 150 push ups.

yeah you just read that right...150 push ups.  AND there is a bonus, it isn't just the push ups...if you take a have to run...up & down the gym 3 times.

So, I go to where the fabulous Faith is working and I ask what she's lifting...125...I know it's light for me, but I am hurting and in all the moving and "where do I live" sorts of things, I have lost my weight lifting shoes.  No big deal right?  Well, I have turned into an accessories whore in the gym and on the field, so when I can't find them again last night...I can feel this crap start to bubble up in me.  Am I REALLY gonna cry over a pair of shoes?  I hate myself a little right now.

So I stay light....cause I can't lift without my shoes.  

Then BJ goes over the standards for the push ups...chest to the ground, no resting on the knees or on your heals...I make a snarky remark that unfortunately BJ he comes over to where I am setting myself up to fail...and says, " you can get to the ground, just try it."  Well...I guess I had been telling myself I can't for so long I had not REALLY tried.  

Now, I am still an epic crossfit loser.....but I do finish the workout in a little over 15 minutes and damn if I didn't get my belly and boobs to the ground on every rep and just kill me for thinking the the run was a relief.  Although, that last set was the ugliest set of push ups you have ever seen in your life. Yeah, don't get too excited, they were ALL on my knees....but I was happy when I left the gym.  As I was leaving, BJ says something to me like, you can do this, you have to just keep showing up. And I say, that's what I'm trying to do...

This morning I have PT with Paul.  I have been putting it off out of fear.  On what I refer to as "the dark night," my back was injured and well, I have been avoiding Paul because his work can release all sorts of flying monkeys and such.  I was simply up front with him...told him what I could and he worked on what he could....

wanna hear the fancy diagnosis?


"You are fucked up."

I love Paul.

Nerve damage in the hip and the entire spinal column is out of whack....and of course it is pulling my neck and my collar bone further out of place.

So, what do I decide to do this afternoon?

Yup...I hit the noon.

Bench Press 5×5
Weighted Pullups 5×3
8 Minute AMRAP
7 DB Thrusters @ 45/25
7 Slam Balls
7 Wall Balls
7 Pullups

I start on the bench press...and my shoulder was screaming at me. So guess what weight I do it at?  55...I try to think of it like it's just for range of motion...Sheila suggested that.  I also go down to the green band for the "weighted" pull ups.  They hurt too...I find myself siding further and further in to a really dark place and I make what I think is an innocuous comment about myself to Gilbert about how I can't even do a real pull up..still.  BJ makes a bee line for me and says, you ARE doing  real pull ups, you are all the way down at the bottom and you are going over the bar.  Yeah..but with a band....Yes Mona, but you are here, you are moving, and that's better than sitting and waiting to feel better, waiting for something to happen. I tell him I am really frustrated and angry...He says in that way of his...he understands and sometimes says the same things about himself.

I know he's right and I know that I must be a huge energy drain at the moment.

So, I do the workout...not the thrusters...BJ has me does front squats instead.  I go light with the wall balls and the slam balls I get 2 full sets in and I am short the third set by 2 pull ups. Again I feel good for having gone, having been there, but as I leave there is this absolute darkness that just washes over me. 

I sit in the parking lot and cry.  Cry for what never was.  Cry for my injured body. Cry for the life that was never real.  The level of lies and deception are completely overwhelming at the moment for me and I have come to this place of feeling a little like Alice....I want to trust...I always have wanted to trust, but now I have no idea what is real....I am a bit down this rabbit hole. I am really trying to take things moment by what is being said to me right now. 

I have been avoiding therapy like the least traditional talky talky therapy, but when everyone around you is saying, "so what are you doing for yourself Mona," and when your PT guys says, "have you talked to anyone yet," Maybe it is time to just get some clarification....I suppose I am avoiding it, because I don't want to hear the word that I know is coming.  I am trying not to be defined by that moment, not to have that moment and the things I have learned since be woven into the fabric of the story of who I am. 

I suppose that is a futile fight isn't it?

I can't let it go if I keep pretending it isn't happening...that it didn't happen. I can't get out of this rabbit hole alone.

Friday, November 22, 2013

little updates

ok, don't freak out...

I have done Crossfit 3 whole days in a row. 

Yes yes you read that right...3 whole days.

Ok...Wednesday, I bought Vivi to her lifting's earlier than the Crossfit classes, but I am reeeeaaalllly trying to commit to doing this.  So...I warm up...I look at the board and wonder how the hell I am going to motivate myself. 

7X2 Snatches


10 minute AMRAP
 5 Hang Power Clean & Push Press @ 95/65
 5 Knees to elbows
20 Double Unders...(double the singles for me)

UGH shoulder is still not feeling it. 

Then guess who walks in the gym?  None other than Mr. I suck at Crossfit, Marz.

Oh...I roped him into doing the workout with me.  Yippie.  Marz is nursing a knee injury...I have a shoulder injury....we were thinking Marz should get on my shoulders, I'll do the squat if Marz gets the bar over head.

We did the workout together....I was grateful to have Marz kicking my ass. It wasn't too horrible, my shoulder held up during the snatches. Well, I only used the bar.  It held up during the push presses too...I even used 65 pounds. Of course, what happens when BJ comes in?  He sees both my name and Marz's name on the board...and he accuses the two of us of just putting our names on the board.  There is no proof after all, since he didn't see us do the work. 

Sigh...I love know in that way you love someone who kicks your ass and pushes your buttons.

And Vivi? She is snatching 15 kilos now...that's about the same weight I used. It's a pr for her...and she pr'd on her deadlift that night too.  She's all sorts of beautiful.

So...I go last night too....I was sore..and I look at the board....

Tabata Barbell @ 45/35
Back Squats
Push Jerk
Front Squats


Oh..I get it.

I don't think I can do this.  Really.  I don't.  I spoke with a friend yesterday about the losses both she and I are experiencing right now...she was saying how she is crying a bunch right now. I, on the other hand, am feeling...very...controlled.  Yesterday was a crazy challenging day and I swear I could feel the pressure under my a crappy old pressure cooker...but I stuffed it down to a tiny black rock that I will feed booze and crappy food that will turn into an ulcer later.


But...I did the warm up...then we started the work out...knowing the whole Tabata thing well...I pace myself.  I am slow and heavy and breathing hard and it feels like everyone else is breezing through this thing, which of course SHOULD NOT MATTER.  I am back at the Crossfit deal, it is actually just about me, about my workout. I could feel some emotional crap starting to surface so I beat that  down....I know, I know, I might need to just let that fly. Not last night...not at Zia.

Heart beating fast....remembering that is how I am supposed to feel..trusting the pulse will come down...I was shaky, sweaty, kinda icky.  But, I let myself recover buy jumping on the rower...that's weird, but it helped.

3 days in a row of Crossfit...that's good for me.  I made the mistake of looking at the Zia page for today's workout.  Sigh...I need some help to make this 4 in a row.  You know why? Because I feel good..well at least physically...and Hell I guess other stuff too.  I don't feel like a too hot pressure cooker today. I am all "good" sore, you know, I am having trouble getting out of my office chair sort of sore. 


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

A couple of little roses....

Soooooo, I posted this meme this morning on my Facebook page....

Been having a really tough time getting to the gym. I could list the excuses right now, but really they are just excuses.

I decided to try noon least on Tuesdays and Thursdays when Vivi is not at the gym. (Or supposed to be at the gym.)  I get into Zia and guess who is there?  The Doctor!  wheeee....she is moving to Minnesota...tomorrow.  I have not seen her in at least six weeks and I haven't been to a noon class in months...what are the odds.

I'm all shades of thrilled.

I see the board and the euphoria I was feeling at seeing Sarah fades.

5x5 Push presses

5 Pull Ups
10 Push Ups
15 Squats.
5 rounds

then 3x10
Weighted sit ups.

Really?  well hell....

The warm up was fun...Planks, Rowing, jumping, Step Ups, T-Push ups....of course BJ saw my post this morning and was teasing me...I deserved it...outta shape heavy athlete that I am.  Sarah said she'd stick with me on the workout...I was guessing it would take me 20 minutes.  Not really, maybe 15.  Looked a the board, lots of people did it in 3 or 4 minutes. HA!!!!

I lifted with Sheila...crazy strong lady~thank you... we settled on 95.  BJ came over and told me I was cheating by actually doing a jerk.  Ooops...didn't mean to. He helped me correct it so I finished by not cheating.

Then we set up for the work out.  Sarah did keep pace with me, crazy lady....I know she could have done it in half the time I did.  I am gonna miss her....

Pull ups...don't get excited, I did them with a thick band (it was too easy, I'll go down a band next time).
Push ups...don't get excited, knees.
Squats.....well, they we squats.

I was joking with Beth that I was only gonna do three rounds...I got a solid scolding.  I did finish in 7 ish minutes.  I was complaining by the end of the sit ups that I thought my eye was going to pop out, or that I might burst an ovary. I am sure no one has missed my ridiculous behavior in the noon classes.  I feel kinda shaky and yes I checked my pulse.  I did remind myself that I used to work out at noon A LOT and I used to always feel like this..and it feels....good.  I am going to remember to make this....scratch make me a priority.  I have let this piece of my fitness slip and I know I will feel better getting a little more "conditioning" under my belt again.  I mean, I am not gonna lie....I would rather lift all the time, but I also know that this is really what my body and my training needs. At least for a few weeks.....

Remember my rose?

Well, a quick reminder...I got this rose from a woman I know from Zia, Megan.  She gave it to me in the parking lot of Trader Joe's shortly after the very dark night that I had last month.  All I said to her was I have had the worst week of my life and she handed me this rose.  I took this picture about 3 weeks after she handed it to me.  Yup...3 weeks.  This flower....magic.  It began to sprout all along the stem...little, beautiful, green leaves.  Shortly after I took this photo...the little stems dried up and the rose drooped just a little.  I pulled it out of the water and thought, "how do I keep you alive?  You are my magic rose.  I can't let you go." I smelled it and decided it wasn't the rose, it was the kindness, the love behind it.  I placed the magic rose in the trash and let it go.  It had more than served its purpose.


All of these in the midst of all of this pain and confusion.

A lovely reminder too, that nothing lasts.  Good or bad, joy or pain....they all end, they are all part of a whole, and perhaps they all serve their purpose as well.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


Geez....I don't write any more do I?

So the last time I wrote I was musing about how I was gonna get to the gym, guess what? I never did.....not the whole week. I did however start the Whole "until Thanksgiving."

I went to the gym Monday....I just kinda wandered around the gym, looking for my equipment, watching my daughter lift...oh, I did jump rope, row, light back squats, and some stone drills.  I just like being there...and I am finally ok with taking longer breaks from working out.  My shoulder feels better, so why would I jack that up again.  True, I have a competition in March...but um that is in MARCH. 

I am under a bit of pressure and I did want to dial in my eating a bit.

So, I am really trying to back off....of myself.

I am working on an Indigogo thing for my Scotland trip and I am finding it very difficult to write about myself in a way that is "self promoting." Especially now....Not easy for me. I am getting help from Grace...I am very grateful.

As for the food?

I am a pig.  I mean really.  I can't stop eating.  It has started to ease up a bit and I have found that I love finding all sorts of ways to shove veggies into a meal. 

The big thing though after 8 days?  My fingers.

Yeah fingers.  I have this mild swelling all the time in my hands and fingers that slowly creeps in and that I really hardly notice.  And no, it isn't wheat.  I really have never added wheat back in the diet.  I suspect sugar.

So it is nice to see my hands again.

Seems to be a theme in my life right now....saying hello to all sorts of pieces of me that I forgot 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Tucson and hopefully more.

Still homeless.
Still throwing.
Disappointing numbers.
Lessons from the big caber.

Was in Tucson this past weekend, it is the third time at these games for me.  Both Heather and I were throwing well short of what we threw the prior weekend in Texas...I was down 10 feet on hammers...5 feet on WFD.  I threw Open.  Not sure I'll do that again at these games.  I had some point to throwing open~ I wanted to prove to myself...some numbers game...some "boosting" of my ranking in NASGA. 

Yeah Ego crap.

And bit me. Not just for physical reasons...but you know...for those of you who read this blog...all the other stuff too. 

I threw ok with all of that settling in my bones....and my bones being tired.  But you are games...they are fun...who the Hell cares where I finish at the end of the year.  Or at least I shouldn't by this point.  The last games of the season should be even more fun.  I am surrounded by the greatest people. 

Lisa Bradley had dubbed this the International Year of Mona but it quickly became "The Year that could have broken me completely".  I chose to say yes to the gifts that were presented, to the people who actually dig me for me, so it didn't break me, not even close.

There have been crappy details and lawyers and meetings and painful words and more painful decisions and more crappy details to deal with and I have been missing the gym. GRRR.

The fun news on the day I left for the games.  I got accepted to the Arnold.

Ok it's the first time they have had a full blown all classes sort of games at this thing!  And I got in.


I looked at the list...some AMAZE BALLS throwers in the Women's Master's Class...Many I don't know.  I decided it will be my first game of the 2014 season.  I also decided I will have to go to fewer games, both for physical reasons and financial reasons especially if I think I can go to Scotland this year.  

Got a lot to do...mainly rest and repair. Then, I am focusing on a little conditioning...yeah  back to CrossFit for a while. I also have to get on the fundraising thing and get some airline tickets for the big trip. I have my site started but I am waiting to finish up a video.  Then I'll bug BJ...and I'll watch the new Pockoski video I bought.  There is a beautiful thrower in AZ.....Jackie....she and I decided we are gonna get and stay on each others asses about this new training video and about training in general.

OH the caber....HA.  At the end of the games, after some free corn dogs (ew) and a couple of beers, I managed to sweet talk the AD into letting me try the men's caber.  16'6" 90+ pounds.  I just wanted to see if I could pick it.  You know what? I did.  A clean fast pick...I even walked with it...Richard gave me a 20 degree turn on it! HA...

Lesson....stop freaking thinking so body knew what to do...I didn't get in the the training.

Funny thing?  In competition, I dropped the women's caber....yeah...over thinking ego crap....blah blah blah.

Two other little bits of information:

Need a new kilt. Mine looks like crap and the seams are frayed.

Back on the whole 30, but it's a whole 25 or something.  Going 'til thanksgiving.

I'll let you know if I ever get back to the gym....