All the unspoken

 Been doing a bit more hanging out with some of my female friends over the last 5 years or so than I have probably most of the rest of my life.  I am noticing something...

All the things we don't say...all the stuff we don't share about what seem to be very large parts of our lives.  I mean let me say first to those of you who might read this and whom I happen to chat with often...we do chat and share some amazing shit.  

Fears, goals, spiritual life, traumas and healing from said traumas....so please don't think I am dismissing all the amazing conversations I have with some pretty amazing women in my life.....but....I have noticed something missing...

 

Sex being the first one....like~really~talking about it. What IS it....what is it for you...what makes something amazing and what makes something blah....what feels like 'enough'? I am pretty sure this gets glossed over because of all of the cultural and religious taboos about not just sex but talking about sex.  I think sometimes I THINK we talk about sex...but it seems to be super surface. And frankly, if things are awful...we REALLY don't talk about it. We may say at some point...well my ex and I never really "connected" or "it's not really that important to us" and leave it at that.  

It just seems like such an important part of who we are and we kinda just hide the bad shit and give a wry smile over the good....well, maybe that is me....but it seems....like it's lots of us.

The other is about our kids....again, I have a feeling this is cultural as well.  We share all their successes and the joys...but sharing the pain...oh god no....that is taboo.  I think in part I have done this because I don't want my friends to think I am ungrateful or that I don't love my kids...but being frustrated or hurt by your kids doesn't mean you don't love them.  

I know when kids are little, we sorta have this list of complaints..the sleep...the tantrums...the clothes left on the floor in front of the dirty clothes basket....the homework arguments....but as we all age....what is the list then? What is normal? How do we share with our friends the pain of being cut off by a child, the fear and anger in that.  How do we share the fear and frustration in not knowing really who they are or maybe knowing too much or being depended on for too many things.  Who are we as moms once the kids are grown...how did you negotiate that?  How do you make the transition into Grandma.  Was this what you imagined or dreamed about when you thought of motherhood?

The love the loss the fear the joy....all of it seems barely touched by us in fear of other's judgements perhaps...perhaps in fear of self judgement...knowing, fearing we could have been better; knowing, fearing we failed a child or a partner somehow. 

What becomes ok to share with friends...how much of myself do I hide from other women I call friend? What can be gained by exposing some of this? Maybe nothing...and shit, I'm not talking about shouting it to the world; although if that works for you fucking go for it....I mean...I did write a whole show about things that I never shared with people as I was going through it (so there IS that).

I dunno....I just thought I'd throw some of this "on paper" so to speak...I have learned a couple of very interesting things from a couple of ladies recently and it just got me thinking....and it helped me turn my own issue on its side to look at it from a different direction and I have really appreciated that experience.

Maybe I am just looking for more of it....

Shhhhhhh More silly goals

 Okie Dokie....

I threw again yesterday.  

Caber....WOB....Weights.

So how did it go yesterday? Big take away, I stopped.  Yuppers....I stopped BEFORE I started to hurt.  WHEEE!  Started the day at weights...spinny shit is the most dangerous part of the Achilles so why not start there?  WHrew a bit of heavy first...lobbed a few out into the low 40's...I was pleasantly surprised at that.  Then I threw a light...the first on was over 60...like 62 or 63?  It really has been a while since I threw in the 60's. I must have been a bit excited because Nik got super excited and asked it if was a PR...no, no not even, but I was still pretty stoked.  I was even happier because I was staying low through the trig and getting some pep on that last turn.

SO what think you dear reader? If I keep working on this...might I get back to some solid MID 60's range in 6 months?  Maybe? Maybe.....

OK  WOB...ugh  I used to be really good at WOB.  In fact, I found these gems on Facebook today from Dana McDonald.

6 years ago I tossed that bad boy 19'6"  This weekend? I didn't clear 17...I hit the bar once, but didn't clear it.

Yikes.

This one actually pains me...but I gotta get over that.  This is where I am ... Ok...so maybe IF I WORK ON IT....I am thinking I could get 17"6".  I am having issues guarding my Achilles on this one...I am not using my legs....and I am pulling out to the side with my arm.  Lots to fix.

Caber...well...that's caber....I brought MacKenzie out, but I didn't drag my ass over there soon enough. I did throw a couple of smaller sticks and felt pretty good about my finish.

I think I need a tripod so I can start using a simple tool....fucking video...hahahha

Ok..there are a few more goals....need to look at sheaf again and open stone...AHHHHH...then I will have a list to start working on.

Shhhhhhh.....silly goals.

 Ok so....goals?

ok.  I'll try.

Threw yesterday...Hammer Sheaf and Stone.  It was...ok.  I was working a little light hammer...probably threw 10+times....I was focusing on one little thing...I guess that is sorta my goal IF I think I  might start "focusing on throwing" again.  Yesterdays hammers were all about using my damn legs.  I was feeling like I was doing what I set out to do...then....I felt a little...whatever in my Achilles, so I stopped.  

The furthest I threw was something in the low 70s...nothing to write home about as they say, but I wasn't giving it too much gas...Two things here....I stopped....and I have a starting pint for light hammer...

So, what's my potential goal then? Is it too much to shoot for 10 more feet in about 6 months?

Probably...but there you go...a goal....81 feet for light hammer.

Then I moved to Sheaf...3 throws and I tweeked my hammy....oh well....hahahaha.  Chad said I was pulling way too soon and shortening my swing...So...not sure I can place a goal yet since I really didn't clear anything yesterday.

How about 24 feet?  I mean I SHOULD be able to hit 28 feet, but I gotta get rid of the "shoulds" so there ya go.

Stone....oh stone...I am fixing my arm...hand placement on the finish and even bigger....I keep throwing down...into the ground...so annoying.  Anyway, once I got some full throws in I did hit 24+ or so...so how does 25+ on Braemar sound? (again I "should" be able to throw that thin 30 feet...but I quickly digress....)

Ok...goals...wrote some down....now let's see if I actually do the work it takes to GET there!

Share or no?

 I have seen some of those goal oriented memes lately....clearly my phone is listening to not just the shit I say out loud, but my shitty self talk as well.  There are two basic types....

The "accountability" type...you know....shout your goals to the world and get the damn support you want...and the "hide this shit ad surprise them" type....you know....plan your goal, dig deep, and shock the hell out of the people who said you couldn't do it.

I have generally been a share kind of person.  For example, I used to post throwing goals on this blog before I went to a game....but as for food goals or self care stuff...I have kept that pretty much to myself...So the idea of hiding a goal and unleashing it on the world seems odd..like...who cares?  

I think most of us are just half way struggling with working out, with food, with drinking too much, with watching too much TV, to even be thinking of how the people around us are gonna be "blown away" or some silly shit.

For right now, I don't post goals...because, well.....I can't seem to stick to anything....so the asshole thinking I can't do something...is...me.  

HA!

Anyhooo...my ankle is actually looking sorta decent.  I also had this thought the other day....I probably tore this thing in July of 2019.....AND I KEPT THROWING....like while building a show with Rod....and I threw well at Pleasanton that year....Like really well....Like a  49 foot heavy weight good...and here I am now scared shitless to actually throw....I am cautious and timid....I am more afraid of this Achilles healing process than my heart surgery healing process..

What the holy hell brain?

I know though too, that part of this struggle is a struggle about throwing AT ALL...

So there is THAT to contend with.

Thanks for coming along on this rambling blog......