Monday, April 29, 2013

lazy girl

Wednesday, I did a bunch of work on my foot work for WFD...for which I have a sticky place in my head.  I was watching Doc Baker practice on Sunday and I was just watching his feet...he was super fast, springy, almost dance like. Made me realize I am plodding thought the foot work.  I take the right steps...there is just no flair!

While I was in Deming I watched videos....Not gonna write about Deming yet...too...siiiigh. 

Did a bunch of cleans too.

Oh...I was sorta lazy at the gym.

Little sheaf...a little bit of light speedy hang cleans then back extensions and good mornings.

I was watching the rest of the class work...

Overhead squats & burpees.

I was over in my favorite corner...and Eva & Kori were near me.

Can I just say how much these two women inspire me?

Kori~running goddess and vegetarian puts up with all of us meat eating goobers....she trains so fantasticly hard for races that would surely kill me...and she is working her butt off (or on as happens with squatting) to get better at lifting every single time I see her in the gym.  Hats off beautiful. You and I could not be further apart on whatever athlete scale some one has laying around a gym somewhere....but damn you motivate me. Just not to be better.

And Eva~Tenacity is the word that pops into my tiny little brain when I watch her working out.  Every time I see here...she is coming in with her TODDLER TWINS!  Yes people...she makes the commitment to herself and to those kids to her health.  I am so impressed...I know it was not something I was willing to do when mine were little and she is kicking burpee butt with her sweet little cheerleaders giggling and rooting for her.

I could write more about feeling sorry for myself about not getting to any games this month or how I have been up 3 nights in a row with a racing heart....but I'd rather think about Kori and Eva kicking my butt~motivating me to do what I can and to just be the best I can right in this moment.

Thanks Ladies....

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


Saw this on my friend Rick Jones' Facebook page...I kinda like it..... the last test back and the good news is it is "normal." Long term...that is really good has been an extremely frustrating month or so since the first incident, but I know I am lucky lucky lucky to only be having heart trouble related to stress and likely my lovely menopause.

A huge shout out too all of my friends (and coaches who are my friends) who have endured my whining...both virtual and in person. I obviously have work to do to keep the heart from racing....and to work my way through this physical and emotional transition....I know I haven't been very pleasant lately....

In the spirit of making fun of is a conversation I had with myself last week.

M: oh no, my chest kinda hurts, that's new..I don't like it.

m: calm down...have some tea.

M: It's not working...oh no, my arm hurts too...

m: ok ok...what did you do today that was different?

M: nothing...

m: come on..think...what did you do in the gym today?

M: oh...

m: what?

M: I did presses today...kinda heavy.

m: shoulder presses? sigh...what else?

M: cleans....

m: ah cleans and shoulder presses...imagine that and now your chest hurts huh?

M: Can I just go back to deadlifts?

Monday, April 22, 2013

Art & Sport pt.327

It happened in the gym again today.

What you may ask....

Mona~did you wet yourself lifting?

No, actually, not this time...

Mona~did you snap the non~sports bra you wore today to lift?

No, it held...even though I know better than to lift heavy in it.

Mona~did you?

Yes...I cried while I was lifting today.

I know...not very "swole" or "beast mode" of me huh?

It is a throwing week schedule since I ~might~ be going to a games on Friday(more on that later).  Back Squats

3x3  135 a warm up set thank you very much.
        225 um...felt heavy....I got out from under the bar...looked at it and I got upset.  Decided to walk away, get a drink, get over myself.
        245 I get under the my little wiggle ritual...up and down 3 times. doesn't feel heavy.

3x1  255~not thinking I can do much more...this time I get to the bar...and I tear up again~all that goes through my head is the 2 games I missed, the heart pounding crap that now very likely looks like stress and menopause, and I hear this voice that says, " were never meant to be an don;t have the courage to do what needs to be done.  So~I get under the bar~and up & down.
         285~fuck you voice, I am going up.  It feels~springy.
         305~Don't do shouldn't be lifting this much yet...Up & down...a little slow on the up, but I get it...

I wonder if I will pay for it later.

I do a bunch of other little stuff...gets the heart going...I talk to BJ a little, tell him I am bummed that USAW has the State Meet scheduled for the 18 & 19 of May.  I was hoping some of the Zia folks could come to the games...but I also wish I could be with them lifting.  I say to him..."I guess it doesn't matter..I'll probably be terrible in May anyway."

"Maybe don't have any expectations have to let go of what you can't do Mona...focus on other things...things you can do...and let these games go.  You have the rest of your life."

Let go of what I can't do?  My life~at the start, the core had been defined by what I didn't do or didn't accomplish or who I wasn't...I am reminded yet again...that I have different people around me now...people who don't think that way about themselves and never think that about the people they are with....I am still sorta thick headed about this, aren't I?

The people you choose to have in your life really do inform the way you think about yourself.

As for this weekend and Iron Thistle?  Guess what happened?  Come on...Guess.

Yeah..I got cast in a movie.  Supposed to shoot moved to~ Deming.

12 hours from OKC......

What to do?  Art trumps Sport this time...even though I wanna throw so bad and with the women signed up...SOOOOO badly. Because I am an ever hopeful type human being...I am packing my gear...just in case....just in case the shoot doesn't take all day.  Which it will....but~well who knows.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013



Vegas is this weekend.  I shall be missing it.  I am sort of picking and choosing which doctor to listen to when.  My GP said nothing for a month...but the Cardiologist had other ideas.  The main reason at this point for missing these games?

I still don't have the tests back.

Ok...let look at the tests shall we?

Cardiac enzymes...normal
Clotting indicators....normal
Muscle enzyme....normal
anemic........not even
dehydration..........a little bit
Adrenal Gland....normal


See a pattern here?  Ah nothing wrong with me I suppose. I am still waiting for one more...the results of the monitor. Hopefully I will have that by Friday.

So, should I have gone? Nope...I am still too stressed by all of this. If the monitor thing comes back fine, I am going to Iron Thistle. See how it goes.  I still don't feel the mean time, I am down to about a half a cup of coffee in the booze...drinking camomile/lavender tea like a fool....and I am just sorts jumpy about my pulse.

The weirdest thing about the cardiologist? All of the staff were obese.  Now, I know how that sounds...look, I am a big I feel like I am sensitive to what is a little chubby, a bit big, and obese. I have to admit, I was a little shocked~it is the Heart Institute for christ sake...sorry...yeah...being all judggy.

Then I get in to the little room...and I find my self feeling defensive as the Medical Assistant was taking my favorite question?  "Do you avoid salt and fat?" I looked at her and said...salt....when I am left alone...I have this conversation going on in my tiny brain:

I bet this guy is gonna tell me I am fat.
If he tells me I have to start running, I'll scream.
I bet I'll have to defend weightlifting.
If he "looks" like a marathon runner...I am outta here.

Yeah...all before I see this guy.  He comes in...and he looks like a, but bigger.  I feel kinda like a jerk.  He asks me the same fucking questions the MA just asked...then he asks what I do to work out.  And I feel like more of a jerk...he is supportive and sorta intrigued by what I do.  He also tells me...keep working out.

Oh well....I jumped to this place of defending what I do, who I am because I feel sick I guess.  Who knows.

As for is a rest day.  I am gonna really rest too. Even though I know I bitch about not throwing enough...I won't throw either.

And I'll wait....and probably be told nothing is wrong...again...which is good....but....sigh.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Back to the numbers

Since both Sarah and my cardiologist told me to lift what I want...I thought I should get some of it down...I am lifting and trying to stay with the programming, but I also find myself making excuses for not doing the things I commit to. Today was a perfect example.

Last night, I dug out some implements with the intention of throwing while Vivi was in her acting was windy...and I didn't change my clothes....and it was windy. So I get home..I can still throw at my neighbors right? But dinner wasn't done....and it was windy....

All I really needed to do was take 10 minutes and I didn't. Lame. I am sharing a rut with Marz I think. Some of the health crap is getting in my head too....had another "incident" on Sunday. I get annoyed and disheartened when it happens. Still, just excuses. I don't seem to be able to kick myself in the ass these days. At this point last year? I was throwing 3 or 4 days a week...

Ok so...enough whining.

At noon..I spent an hour throwing in the gym...sheaf...wfd foot work...hammer winds...stone too. Then I went back at 5:30 to do the cleans I had missed. Pam was there and I decided to add the bench press to my day....banded.
3x3 65,85,105
3x1 115, 135 (missed this) 125.
I forgot how crazy the banded lifts can be.

Then my cleans..hang cleans.
65, 85, 105, 125
Marz helped with the last set cause I didn't want to do them...they felt felt good to feel the pulse rise...then come back down.


I did this weirdo plyo work...jumping with this jumps, vertical extra fattiness was felt during these.
3x5 clean pulls...@155
3x3 dumbbell snatches @ 45

Then 3x10 of back extensions and good mornings.

At the end of Friday...I felt like maybe I could really start to train again...

Saturday, I spent in an Olympic weight lifting class...oh...and hour and a half or so of snatches...yeah....Learned something about the pull...about actively getting under the bar...I think it is gonna change things for me.

Sunday...I crap....crappy crap. All in my dizzy once too...not thrilled about that. Made me get in my own way even more than I usually do...which is saying something huh!

Today...well..I didn't throw...and I never made it back for the second class. Lifting took a while. I swear Sarah, Faith, and I were not screwing around...but it took forever.

Front squats....I haven't done these in a while.
We are supposed to start at 75% of our one rep max...jimmney Christmas.. That means 185...I actually don't believe Will when he gives me the number. Supposed to go to 80 or 85% I don't get there...and yes....I freaking wet my pants on the last damn set. I only go up by 5 pounds by each feels heavy...heavy...heavy.

Start at 185 end at 210....which is only 79%

I gotta snap out of this...I only have 5 weeks to train for worlds and I feel like a mess.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Old stuff pokes through...

Show is do I feel? I am proud of the work...the actors and really was a great group of people. I will miss this group...these words spoken by these particular actors. You all know I constantly posted "rehearsal words" on facebook. The visuals too...I could get lost in the sights and sounds of this piece and as with the production of the Guys; I could see myself in the work. Finger prints I hope....nothing more.

The cast and crew gave me a lovely gift tonight night too....a larger version of the graphic design from the almost looks like they broke off pieces of the set to frame it.

I had a difficult moment with the show on really caught me off guard too...old ugly stuff that rose to the surface yet again.

Ok bear with me as I try to untangle my thoughts. There was an actor in the audience during the talkback Saturday who has seen many different productions of Buried Child. He said that with each production he saw something different. With our production, the theme that struck him most strongly was the need to be recognized. My breath sort of caught in my chest for a second. I remember the day before we started rehearsals writing in huge scrawling letters across my script...


I would look at that every day we had rehearsal. That is why I wanted to do this play I suppose...well one reason. There are more than I can even articulate. That is what resonated so deeply to me...not being seen. Not been seen at all...not being recognized as an individual....not being seen as having value.

Then something happened that really tossed me around as a drove home. I was approached by two of the actor's mothers. Yes...their mothers. Now it doesn't matter who....and I am pretty sure they probably think what their moms did was way out of line. But I don't. Each of the moms pulled me aside and in whispered voices thanked me for getting their child on stage again. Each one had this look in their eyes as though they knew how much their child needed to be doing this work. One even said..."this is who they are and they had forgotten. Thank you for helping them to remember."

Each time...I rambled something stupid not knowing how to respond. I wanted to thank each of them for recognizing the humanity and the gifts that their children have....but I could not articulate that....not yet.

I got in my car...and felt grief...again...and such joy for these two people I know. Their parents see them...I know, probably not all of the time, and they would probably be embarrassed by what their moms did, but I was moved by it. I tried to shake off the grief that swirls around my own relationship and history with my mother. I still don't exist for her and I suppose the work I do to move past that will never really be finished, since a moment like this can still feel like I am slicing open a scar.

I am trying to let myself feel this....but to be frank....I have been so good over that past few years at letting things roll off my back or just letting things be...that I think I am not letting myself feel things at all...I get all philosophical way too it was good to just drive home slowly and cry some tears for some old scars. Maybe that is why my heart is having trouble too. I have forgotten how to get to actually feel things so I can feel better. Maybe that is really what is breaking my heart.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

More Weird

yeah well..the best laid plans...right?

I had another tachycardia event on Thursday night...woke me out of a sleep.  Sucked because I was supposed to leave for Texas at 6 am on Friday.  Had to call Lisa at 5AM to cancel the trip...then called my GP at 8 to see if I could get in right away.  Thankfully I got in at 3.  I love my GP...

The ER doc said my EKG was fine but Dr. Musgrave saw something on there she didn't like....some sort of a sweeping rise instead of a straight up sort of thing.  So today I am going to a cardiologist.  Wheee..

I also got a bunch of blood tests...most negative...still waiting for the results on my adrenal gland. We also chatted about stress.  I am not thrilled with the idea that I cannot manage my stress...makes me feel weak or out of control some how.  But really...control is an illusion, right?

Every time I start to feel better...something knocks me back.  Yesterday I felt don't....Even the day I saw my doc, she said that I didn't look quite like myself. I feel slightly panicky today, flushed....and I am trying not to check my pulse and freak myself out.  I also just kinda feel sad......

The cool thing about my doc...she knows how I train. She told me to keep working out.  Even while we do this heart monitor...for a month. I just have to train at a 3....out of 10.  Whatever that means.

So I go to the gym yesterday...and I have back squats on my list for the day.  So I look at Sarah...and ask if I can ask her doctor~like opinion.

M: so if I work out at a "3" does that mean 30% of my one rep max?

S: will get mad if you do that.

M: It would mean my single would be at 100 pounds.

S: I say just do what you want...there are firefighters and paramedics and doctors all over the gym...just lift what you want, just don't over do it.

Well....I am walking on eggshells because everything feels like it has the potential to be over done....
I end the lifting at 245.
I laugh in the car on the way back to work  thinking that 245 is a light back squat.

I will miss games...I have canceled Vegas...I am not ready to cancel Iron Thistle yet....I will wait to see what the cardiologist says today....and training will not be what I had hoped.

Although last I was falling asleep...I imagined my hammer throws...lots of visualized workouts for me...which I know can be a helpful tool.  I guess I am putting this out there for people to read because I go back and forth about giving up...and I know I am gonna need people to tell me to do what I can...that moving is enough...that it is ok that I don't do well at my big games in May.

Enough whining for ya?

Time to hit the gym today.....

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Has it really been that long?

I am coming up on yet another anniversary...Hell, I think if we kept track of enough events...every day could be seen as a bench mark.

I don't have the exact day...but this is just about the time last year that I started looking at Zia as a place to train.  How do I know?  I looked back at this silly blog...I started it at the end of April last year. I went back in my notes on Facebook and at the blog listings for Undisputed....It was interesting, I found a blog dated April 4th in which I wrote about thinking about quitting CrossFit and changing gyms.

I remember the search I went on to find a place that would train me for the Scottish Games. I really didn't know what I was looking for at that point.  I was super frustrated and confused. I still am baffled by training in many ways.  It was only about a month later that I wrote on this blog for the first time...and a couple weeks after that first blog I wrote about how uncomfortable I was trying out Zia.

I think that is kinda funny now.

So....what is it that I have learned in the last year at Zia?

Well...I could go into all sorts of details about form~about how my weight lifting PR's jumped with these guys~about how I learned to climb a rope...blah blah blah....

The big thing?

BJ and Will made me look at myself in a new way...they do not treat me like a consumer of fitness and health.  They challenged me to take responsibility for myself as an athlete in a way that I did not know was possible.  I am not always successful in that responsibility, but I am learning. Now....this does not mean that these guys have left me in a corner to figure things out on my own.  That was the problem that led me to Zia in the first place. BJ has really looked at what I do and come up with specialized programing.  We check in all the time to see how it's working. Which leads me to the fact that these guys, this gym, has never "patted me on the head" about my sport. I know it's odd, fun, maybe goofy to some people, hell to many trainers...and it is those things~that fit me~but I also want to do well.  Both BJ and Will respect that. They have never been patronizing and I love them for that.  Don't tell them...but it is also their respect for my interest in this sport that helps to drive my desire to be better.

Funny how that works.

The last thing I wanna say?  I feel like I contribute to the Zia community as well...and that, while it sounds odd, feels really important to me.


 Thanks to everyone at has been quite a year.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Well, that was weird.

So, some of you know I had a little incident on Saturday was  just another little addition to the migraines and the asthma attacks I had recently....just much scarier.

We had a great opening...I stayed out a little too long and drank a little too much.  I had a super lazy day Saturday...met with Ness about a play proposal.  As soon as I got up from the table, I felt this rush...almost nausea, almost light headed, filled with panic.  So...I took a deep heart beat was so strong and so fast, I could feel it in my neck...and pounding against my chest.

I don't really wanna go into all of the details, mainly because its boring...and I don't remember all of it.  I spent some time on my floor, trying to catch my breath...trying to control my breathing. At one point though...I went in my room to lay down and I said out loud...I am not ready to die today.  I thought I might die.

After about a half an hour, I looked at Pierre and said how long can this go on before it's a problem.  He had not really even noticed how panicked I was until this point.  He kinda laughed me off and offered to take my pulse. 

It was over 150.

He took it again...over 150.

I said....can we please go now....

The ride to the hospital must have been relaxing, because I think the pulse came down to some where in the 140's...they ushered me in quickly...I was flushed, sweaty, cold, and a little panicked still.  Came down again..who know a hospital could have a calming effect?

The crux?  The doc doesn't know....all my cardiac enzymes are fine,  EKG was normal~only fast, no markers for a blood clot, wasn't dehydrated, my blood sugar was fine...

So...stress.....and maybe caffeine?  I also had a huge chocolate bar about an hour I don't really eat sugar anymore...perhaps?

Since?  I am freaking tired...and frankly, jittery.  Every little weird thing I feel or pulse that goes a little fast or little pain in my chest or arm....I over react.  Or maybe just react...I don't know.

I feel kinda stupid too....I really thought I was managing everything just fine....I love all of the different challenges I have taken I sorta don't get it.

Best thing I did yesterday?  I went to the gym....yeah...I know I can hear you guys now, "Mona Rest...."  But listen....I just lifted light....and threw a little sheaf.  You know what happened?  My heart rate went up...and I could feel it come back down.

That felt good.

I was wiped out a couple hours later...I am hoping today will be better....I woke up feeling ok...but I seem to easily slide into a mild worry.

I am supposed to go to San Antonio this weekend...I am sure I will...but I have my panties all in a twist about being able to throw at all....I know everyone is saying to me...see this as a signal from my body that I need to rest.  I'm not sure about that...I think there are some other changes I need to be bold about first.

I am just not sure I am ready...or have the courage.