Aloof

I have almost always had this weird issue when people meet me, especially in large groups, of coming off as aloof.  Well, not always...for whatever reason, that didn't happen when I started throwing....

Anyhoo....

I know that I am not dealing with severe social anxiety, and I am glad for that.  I have just enough though that I know I put up some sort of shield.  Minor, but still.

Coming up on a month past the GRRRL Live.

As usual, I meant to write a little more, and I will...but one of the things I wanted to say or think about or whatever, is that aloof thing and Grrrl.

If they hold the event again...I would like to push myself a little more.  I was super lucky to be there with some women I know, but that also helped me stay put.  If I go again....I'd like to reach out more....ask to join with people I don't know, that sort of thing.

It is interesting to me now that time has passed....that I can pin point the moment I felt more comfortable.

It was when Heather asked me to help with the workshop.  I walked in there...she told me what she needed.....and I could relax.  Kinda like my acting shit....I am an actor, give me a script, direct me....and I'll do my best to do what YOU want.

Ahhhhh, so guess what else I am dealing with now....being an actor, without the strict structure too...Having to look at producing issues, fundraising issues, ahhhh.  Thank god I have Rod....and the large amazing group of other folks that are trying to help support me as we explore this piece.

Interesting.

I do know that the first few speakers zeroed in on something I needed to hear, just as I needed to hear it.

Be authentic.
Be yourself.
You have your story to tell.

You are enough.

Ok, I know this blog is frazzled today...but perspective was one of the other issues...Janea Kroc spoke.  I actually got to do the power lifting workshop with her as well.  I have seen the documentary about their life and I really wanted to meet her.

She spoke about perceptions....the pain they can cause, the assumptions that get made, all of that. That even she believed that being a woman meant she should be small...but she learned that strength has no gender.  This pain of thinking your accomplishments are your worth....her grace in sharing her story.  I really wanted to go up and say hi....to thank her for being visible.  I don't even think my kid knows who she is, but it makes a positive impact on the entire community.

So...I'm thinking, go up to her, it's ok.  She is of course swamped by people, so I wait.  I get to her, I know what I want to say...simple.  I just want to thank her for being visible...Guess what happens instead?

I fucking burst into tears.

Yup.

No idea why, I just sob...for her, for me, for my kid?  I don't know, none of that seems like it's the reason.  I have no idea, even now, why I unloaded on this poor woman, but I did....I thought I was gonna be all cool and just thank her, but nooooooo.....

I really didn't mean to put more on her, but there ya go.

Oh well...I got a photo of her and I together...she is way more beautiful than I am, but dang if we don't have the same Slavic nose....

More magic?

So, I came home from Grrrl Live and my whole relationship with my body has been healed.

Wanna know how?

Wanna?

Well, the most important thing....it didn't.

HA.

Fuck, I didn't expect it to....I mean COME ON....that's not how it works.  There is again...

no magic pill

I'm kinda PollyAnna, that is well established, but I'm no dummy either.

I did though, hear some things I had not heard before...I will, if I try to explain too much, butcher the messages....cause, you know from my earlier blog...I am also not a court reporter.

I was listening to the opening speaker on Saturday, Stephanie, speak about being present in our lives...lots of us have issues with this, yes? Then she said something about when we hate our bodies, we are not being in the present.

We cannot hate ourselves and be in the present moment.

We are hating the past, the past meal, the past trauma that lead us here, or hating the moment that hasn't happened by saying things like; "I'll never change" or "I'll always be like this."

Hard to appreciate what our bodies can DO with that sort of baggage on it.

As she was speaking, I looked down at my lap...trying to keep myself in control, when I saw it.

My belly.

Hanging over onto my lap...I put my hand on my belly,  a belly that has carried two babies, a belly I won't let my hubby touch, a belly I have cursed at, a belly I have actually punched...and just thought to myself; you my belly, are evidence that I have tried to take care of myself.  I have protected myself and you my dear belly, are the evidence of the self care that I knew.

I showed up to GRRRL Live to try to walk through my own shit....and there I sat....me and my belly....within the first 5 minutes....walking through some shit.

No one is coming to save me....neither is anyone asking me to be someone I am not.

It is a good reminder that the people who believe in me have never asked me to be anything other than who I am.   Maybe they challenge me to be a better version of who I am...which frankly, is why they are in my life to begin with, right?

I have spent so much of the last 51 years trying to be something, someone else...but it causes nothing but pain.  So my big ole belly and I are just gonna be us....together....

First of a few....

GRRRL 2019.

This might be the first of a few that I write about this weekend...but I knew I had to get something down before I chose not to write at all.

I started this the first day, but there really was no time for me to write....which was perfect...

I had to just BE THERE. I’m not a fucking court reporter and it would have been a way for me to disconnect.

First night. First half of first day.  

 Tell ya.  I am not used to this level of energy. 

I know I’m usually a spaz. But this is a whole other level. I did bail early from the meet and greet. Was in Bed by 9. Ha. 

Did yoga in the am.  Heard this phrase: You are a special edition. 

Love that. 

Found myself trying not to cry too. Can’t explain that one. 

Even at the meet and greet.  I was fighting tears at every turn. 

I think there were two things at play for me.  

First.....my epic level of discomfort. And the driving desire to NOT feel discomfort....that “why can’t I just do this, experience this, exists without freaking feeling like I don’t belong.”

Second thing...the energy. I could feel this pulsing in the room....the main ballroom as people filed in.  Even though no one really knew what was coming, there was this feeling of belonging, this energetic knowing of hundreds of women that were here for very similar reasons, even if they all could not articulate what that was.  I know I couldn’t. 

There is this interesting thing in shared experience, shared spaces...that is what all those mega churches count on after all....but this wasn’t to control people.  This wasn’t to tell people what to believe or how to behave.  It might have looked like that perhaps, with all of the messages of self love and the #iamenough images....but no....this was about personal choices....this was about vulnerability....accountability....about the gift of the individual voice.  Odd in a large gathering but true.  

I digress....there was this power I felt that pushed an understanding. I mean really....many of the ideas, the messages are things I have heard before, things I have been told....but being in a sea of women who are receiving it at the same time, with their fears and vulnerabilities exposed brought power and dare I say love to the messages that allowed them to sink past my skin, past my walls, past my feelings of unworthiness. 

That’s the power of a conference like this....

That’s the power of women....