back to it

okie dokie...

For the last two days I have managed to oust sugar again, YIPPIE...I already feel better..except for the fact that I now have a cold. I have felt it coming for awhile, but had chosen to ignore it. Just worked out through it.

Wednesday...dead lifts. it is still 10% deload week.

3x5 135
3x3 180

yes, that looks light...it is, but i was standing on the sled, banded. again, in the way he does, Will was obviously spying on me. I know I wrote last week about the small corrections he gave me, well, he gave me a little more tweeking...he did say it might not change my deadlift number so much, but it may change my clean...because it did his...and all of the corrections over the last two weeks...the lift felt different...even banded. Crazy that just lifting something off the floor can be so specific.

Then there was something else in there...um back extensions maybe?

Then:

25 double unders (sub 50 singles)
20 Mountain climbers.
5 rounds
I thought when I looked at the board, "that doesn't look too bad." As soon as I think that, I know I am in trouble...UGH took me a little over 7 minutes.

Thursday...I went in at 6:30...AM..HA. On a little side note...I saw Phil...he is visiting from Undisputed for the week, so he can get his early morning crossfit on...It was a fun reminder of how I started. I still remember and appreciate the early months that I spent at Undisputed with Phil, he was instrumental in planting the seeds for a new voice in my head, "yes you can do this Mona...Just keep moving Mona..." the time he would spend sitting on the floor near me while I did burpees (sometimes crying).

Front Squats

3x5 165
3x3 175

oh, these felt good, light, low...not fast, cause with the kettle bells hanging off, I fall over if I go fast.

bench press

3x5 80
3x3 90

Yes banded.

Then 8 minute AMRAP

10 overhead squats
10 dumb bell push press
at 50% of your body weight....crap. there is that thing again...gotta own my big, right? Well, I couldn't...100 pound overhead squat? 10 reps? sigh. I did 75. I still struggled...a lot. I may have been affected by the pain I am having...or maybe I am just lazy.

I only did 2 full rounds. :)

Tried to get to the rowing clinic...but for multiple reasons it didn't happen. I also missed a lifting clinic with Jeremy Rutledge on Wednesday. Bummer.

Clean & jerks tonight...if this cold doesn't own me.

The biggest news...BJ is gonna change my training on Monday...I am both excited and a little scared. I am lucky to have such a smart...and slightly crazy trainer. Almost time for me to double down...I have a little more than 4 months to train. Gonna figure out when to add throwing to my day.

As for the medical crap...no news...the tests go back to my doc first..but the tech did tell me something I know she wasn't supposed to...no masses. I thought it was funny...cause from my point of view, on my back ~on the table, I could see the sign over her shoulder, "Ultrasound tech cannot give you results." Perhaps she told me because we struck up a conversation about fitness...she is thinking of running a half marathon because she lost about 70 pounds over the last 3 years. I was telling her she should...even though running isn't for me...as she is snapping internal photos of me, we talked about how individual both fitness and diet are for all of us...maybe that why she told me.

It's a load off, but I know it also means there isn't a clear reason for what's going on. Whatever...I am gonna throw on Sunday and I hope I'll feel better when I spin a hammer around my body...

Racing brain

Ha...I have lots of thoughts going on in my brain, but I don't seem to be able to get them down. I know that I always feel better when I write, but......oh well.

All I can think about this morning is my stupid doctor's appointment. I am worried that she will both find something...and that she won't find anything.

Again...oh well.

My eating has gone to hell over the last couple of weeks...lame. Tis is the first holiday season that I have eaten all sorts of stuff I don't eat any more. So...today...doctor....no sugar please and yes...as long as there is no slicing and dicing of body parts today...it is DEADLIFT DAY....

staying calm

I wondered if I should write about this at all, and then I remembered...oh right, this is my blog...it is about me...a middle aged Celtic athlete and my struggles with my body, my art, my relationship to being a mom....riiiight......

I know I have mentioned on here before about how I can sometimes panic about the cancer thing for no reason other than I am approaching the age at which my Father died.  Well, both of my older sisters have had lots of struggles with tumors....both uterine and ovarian.  I have been, thus far, blessedly free. 

Well...had been.

I have FINALLY made an appointment with the doc for next week....cause ladies....things are weird and dare I say, wrong.  Something is up and I suppose that just like the working out thing...when it is time to finally take action....you must take action.

The weirdest thing?  I am calm about this.  I sorta know it is no big deal...there are a variety of things that it could turn out to be as well as a variety of ways to be treated.

The funny thing? As I was imagining certain roads this may take me down....I got super cranky at the thought that if surgery ends up being on the table...that I could miss the games in May that I have been working so hard to train for...."if that ends up happening, I wonder if I could put it off 'til June." Really?  That is what you are worried about? It's not...oh no don't worry, it won't be surgery, you are blowing this out of proportion....no, it is ...I might miss a game.

That's funny.

I guess we all have our ways of looking at things sideways, right?

As for training?

Dangly Front Squats and Banded Bend Press today...oh, maybe all the bands will make my lady parts fall out....

Intention

Am I wishing or doing?

  "Intention is not like wishful thinking, which is abstract, vague, passive, and diffused. Intention is like an arrow flying toward a target. Intention lays claim to your creative expression and establishes the foundation of your dreams."

A little repost for today...but it is actually a big repost for me.  I need to reread this and reread this over the next few months. 

I have some big goals in mind for myself and for whatever reason I am feeling a little paralyzed by either the goals themselves, the work involved, or perhaps my own fears....

not sure.

As for the workout last night...I wanna send a little shout out to Will. He gave me a little correction that made a huge difference in my lift.  The *way* he does these things though...I love his style.

"Mona, do you always use such a wide grip."

"yeah, my stupid legs are so long, I have a hard time getting them out of the way of the bar."

"Well, its a shorter distance to lift if your arms are not so wide....here...this is what I do." (he shows me) "Try it, if you want, it might feel weird though."

So interesting...never a "you are doing that wrong" a "why are you doing that."  Just a simple, this is what I see, this is something I learned...it works for me...try it. 


The rest of the workout...holy jesus...why?  150 push ups.  I suck at push ups. I think....I think I am actually afraid of push ups. I will get a little better at them~then I inevitable get worse and super sucky.  At this point...I think it is in my head.

stupid brain.

little night

Hit the gym after multiple cancellations yesterday....the piece that Rod and I built, will not be happening.  The organizers of BINGO needed a break.  I also needed to cancel a party I was going to....I just needed to be home.   I did meet with two of my actors for Buried Child yesterday and I am meeting with two more today. 

I really wanted to do BINGO, but I must say I am not sad about having my nights back.  I really hope we can do this piece...it has been a very cool process.

Last Night:
Back squat
3x3  190
3X1 210

Yes~dangly.

Push press

3X3  107.5
3X1  117.5

Then Farmer carry up and back the legnth of the gym 3 times
         30 Double unders

5 rounds

I subbed double single unders...I also decided to use 55 pound dumb bells....then thought, oh hell, just use the 60.  I did....my hands cramped up good!!  But I am glad I pushed myself~ I really didn't want to be there, but I felt better that I had gone.  Both BJ and Pam were checking up on me...they seemed to be extra gentle with everyone in their gym last night.  I really appreciated that.

Had a great night when I went home....had everyone home around the dinner table.  We ended up mostly on the floor last night, pillow fights, tickling fights, watching the Jets implode, drinking hot chocolate~

As for today:

Bands and expectations.

Oh my, the whole week has been super spicy. I am super sore. After tonight's workout...my fingers on my left hand did not feel like working...my pinky? Um. Could not feel it. BUT, BUT, BUT....that passed really fast. The work out was super fun...loved working with my friend Sarah.

Ok.

Front Squats

3x5 175.....banded...these were good. Really really hard. I would pull the bar off the rack, the kettle bells would sway, but I was able to take a really deep breath...and somehow....regain stability quickly. I also was really really happy with the depth of my squats. I don't know why, but the crazy bands make me even more aware of the quality of my squats.

3x3 190

The biggest struggle on these? Doing the math....haha! Kidding...I got back to that place of wondering if I was gonna have a stroke on the final set.

Bench Press

Banded.....these are so weird...so very weird.

3x5 85
3x3 100

These are really starting to pose a challenge now....just getting the weight into place with the bands is hard. When I complete the reps? The noise the bar makes is scary....the bands snap the bar down....yikes! I sorta forced Sarah to try these....something about needing her to know how they feel..makes me feel less...weird? Odd? Maybe?

THEN...
10 minute AMRAP

5 hang cleans with a push press
5 knees to elbows

I still don't quite get the knees to elbows thing....I kinda made a shaky choice about this...I bet I can do them...but I thought that if I really did them all.....I would have done 2 rounds....so I didn't really push myself on these...lame....but .....I don't know....choices are choices and I wanted to keep moving...do lots of cleans.....

I did 9 rounds....finished the cleans and got 1 knees to elbows....

Hands...and forearms....HELLO!

The next week is crazy....I have managed to quadruple book myself on nearly every day....but all of the work involved is thrilling really.

My boy came home today too....the first two times he has come home, it has been challenging....not numb hands challenging....but, yeah. I am hoping for a smoother visit....I know that lots of this is tied to expectations.

Ah...my expectations....my expectations for the visit...my expectations for how my body should behave or look....my expectations for....oh hell.....all sorts of things. I guess it's time for me to look at what these are...to let them go....again...

not just me....

Here is a blog I follow...and no, it isn't just me....

Pretty Strong

Lat night's workout was great.  Awesome.  Fantastic. 

I am gonna put the numbers on the page, but they probably won't accurately reflect the magnitude of the workout.

Back Squats

3X5 185
3X3 205

Yes these were the dangly kettle bell style back squats.  I discovered last night that I cannot do these quickly, the weight from the swaying bells nearly tipped me over.  oops!  I did get super low though...been focusing on that...

Press

3x5  67.5
3X3 77.5

Then....
5 rounds of:
2 front squats at 90% of 1 rep max  (I did 185~dangly style)
as many "dynamic" push ups as possible

The Front squats were not quite 90%..but I was using the Kettle Bells...and that is about my max.  The push ups made me have T~Rex arms.

I only got 47 push ups...from my knees...so yeah....still, I ended up...in a ball....on the floor.....

The cool thing that I have noticed recently is that it takes me much less time to recover. I don't feel completely wasted today....I am "looking forward" to the banded deadlifts today.  I know that  a year ago, after a competition, I used to take a couple of days off..I don't do that any more....I had a lifting competition on Sunday...but I was itchy to get to the gym yesterday.  I'm giving credit to BJ's programing...

I realized about a week before the lifting competition, that it had been a year ago that I had my first real conversation with BJ and Will.  It was at a lifting competition at Inner Strength.  I was there watching my friend Patty lift and I saw BJ and Will and a very pregnant LeAnn....I remember this so well, because even though I was not part of their gym...BJ had remembered me from Boxtober Fest and had actually remember that I was a Scottish Athlete.  He even emailed me some information he had on the sport. 

I certainly didn't imagine that I would be switching gyms at that point....but looking back it sort of makes sense doesn't it? 

I really appreciate all of the time and attention you guys have given me since I came to Zia...and thanks for putting up with my giggling and my self doubts.  You really have made me feel welcome and part of the Zia family.

what is it that you see?

So, yesterday I posted a photo of myself on Facebook...lifting.  I do this every once in a while even though it generally makes me uncomfortable. There are a couple of reasons I don't like to see pictures of me lifting.  Not the least of which, I usually look terrible. Not just the  body, but I usually have a dumb ass look on my face.  I have gotten over this one more than my body issues, 'cause really, who looks good lifting? I am trying to let photos get posted and post photos of myself in part, because I am really working at changing my way of thinking.

I really do believe that strength is beautiful...well, as long as it is someone else.  So~if I post a photo of me working hard...throwing, lifting, sweating, whatever....I am trying to see myself the same way...even though I often scrutinize the photo for all of my perceived flaws.

This is the one I posted yesterday:

Ok, yeah...whatever...so what do you see?

What I frequently get in comments when I post something like this is one of the following:

"Oh man I don't wanna get you angry!"

"Yikes, I don't wanna get in your way!"

"grrr! Hulk!"

Same sorts of things I tend to say on others photos....but....yesterday...I found myself defensive about these kinds of comments.....

Why is lifting weights or strength equated with anger?  I realized that lifting and throwing has helped me control my temper, my anger.  A while ago I had posted this photo:

I actually look peaceful....meditative....and...well....perhaps beautiful.

There are all these lifting sites that have t~shirts that proclaim that strong is the new pretty...or some such thing...but I don't think it is true at all. 

I am really working on seeing my strength as an asset, as beautiful, through the eyes of those that also see strength as beautiful.  Hell, I am not mad at the person who is "scared" of me because of that photo...I think it is, in a weird way a compliment.  But for me, a woman who had never seen her beauty, to be called frightening for the one thing that makes me come close to seeing my beauty was...hmmm..challenging.

short note

Dear Noon,

I love being with you, I really do.  So honestly, this isn't about you, this is about me...how I have failed you.  As they say, "It's me, not you..."  But this time it is true....I am just too slow to finish what I need to do when I am with you.

I am struggling with leaving you.  I love how you provide me with an escape from my daily routine. How you keep me from getting too lost in my head during the day. I love the evenings at home....since you have already left me satisfied.  But....ah that dreaded word....but...I really thought I could do this new programing while I was with you.  I can't.

I am afraid I have to say good bye....back to the night classes for me...

I hope you will take me back, in February.

Me.

4 projects at a time.

Super cool week for me this week.  Most of you know I have multiple projects happening in 2013, but the super cool thing about this week...the next 7 days....I am working on every single one of them.

HA!

I have meetings, rehearsals, first read throughs....very cool..

So here they are:

Rod and I are rehearsing a short piece for the next Meow/Wolf Bingo...a shout out to BJ for supporting this piece and letting us rehearse in the gym. This actually happens this month...not 2013. SOON!

I have some rehearsals and a first reading(and costume measurements) for this~

Squeeeee......Nice ad huh?  Lisa P rocks....(why is my name so huge?)

I have a meeting for Independence....that will be happening in June....we have a space and rights and some energy to get it up...yippie!

Then the last piece...I am gonna be acting in, but we don't have rights or a space....so I am not gonna say what it is...just that I will be working with Rod and Vanessa to find a place and get cracking...

And I did throw this weekend...It had been a month...yikes....and I shall be putting all the destabilizing things on my weights this week. Oh and a competition too...and Vivi?

She is being urged to join the track and field team at school..She is actually willing to try it (just to throw)..and is gonna go back to acting class...hmmm.

Should be an interesting week.