Monday, October 28, 2013

Texas round up.

A Texas list:

1300 miles in 2 days.

One PR

One tied PR

Almost took out a teammate while practicing stone. Sorry Shannon.

Smashed the fingers of a thrower that I admire beyond words.  Sorry Heather.

Felt awkward to be at these games, felt more awkward to leave.

Found support in a surprising and lovely place.  Thanks Sarah.

Had a great time using Vivi to stretch out my hamstrings.

Ate too much bread.  WHY DID I EAT THE BUN?

Got to see my friend Rocky for a short bit.

The trip didn't feel nearly as long as it really was....I never went loopy either there or back.

Our team took second...but I bet we had more fun than anyone else.  Well, I know I was a bit of a Debbie Downer when we started, but I loosened up eventually.

Finished in the top 6 for at least 5 events.

Big shocker?  Looked on NASGA this morning.....managed to finish 4th over all.  Really?  Cool.  Like you just don't know how cool that is in this group of women. 


Eh?  gotta reboot stones,  I threw these same exact stones in February...5 FEET further. I think I have tried to listen to what everyone is telling me to do on nothing works any more.

Another?  days just keep marching will not be the same, nor will I feel the same....but...I also get to feel what I'm feeling.

Another?  I think I am gonna take a bigger chunk of time off than I had originally planned. 

Another?  God~I love meeting and watching and throwing with people I have just well as watching those who are new....and watching those who I have LOVED to watch since I started this sport.

I had something else planned for this morning's Blog....more details on each event...but....well...this is what I got this morning.  (thanks Larry Ventress!)

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


Headed to Texas this weekend.  A team challenge.  I have never done one of those.  I have some epic throwers on the team too....Beth Burton, Terri Ventress, Shannon Hamlyn-Burton, Teresa Nystrom, and a young thrower named Cathrine who isn't on I can't stalk her.

Y'all know I had lofty season goals...and I hope that I throw well this weekend.  The shoulder is healing up.  In fact, I was able to do some strict presses yesterday.  Light, but was uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt.

Aside from being excited to throw on my team, I also get to be on the field with Brittany, Heather, Keli, Tammy, Bethany, Denise, Tomasina, Stephanie, and other women I have yet to meet.  The best part though? Vivi is my travel companion for these games.

I have this tiny spark inside me that feels like I may never come back.  You know, I may look at that gas tank and simply keep driving or stay put.  Although....sorry to my Texas ladies who read IS Texas, so I won't actually stay.  It doesn't change anything or fix crap, but it sort feels like it know to just run from what happened last week.~from broken glass, broken doors, broken knuckles, broken family, broken hearts, guns and cops and sirens and tears.  Not that it would be a huge loss to the state of New Mexico or the city of Santa Fe if I did stay in Texas, but life goes on and I will come home.  I thought for a bit that I shouldn't go to these last two competitions.  Hell, I am basically homeless at this point, what business do I have traveling or competing or god forbid, enjoying myself at all right now?

Hmmm...well, what did I say just now?  Life goes on, it moves forward and I can either stay still and rot or I can keep moving along....keep moving forward....keep doing the things that make me feel grounded especially while everything else around spun out of my control.  So, Vivi and I are going to Texas, we go to work and school, we even go to the gym.  

Goals for these games?  Find my feet,  remember I can be grounded, enjoy these crazy strong women around me (which includes my Vivi). Then I'll come home and take more steps....

Gym yesterday? why yes...I did.

I don't have a "program" right now....oh my god I I did what was on the freaking white board.

3x5 Back squats at 75% of 1RM
3x5 Presses  at 75% of 1RM

then a 7 minute AMRAP  (what the hell is that again?)
7 DB Cleans
7 Burpees
7 Push ups.

I thought, what the hell, it is mostly strength stuff.  I also know how bad my conditioning has become ever since the heart crap.  Vivi was lifting so I was too early for a class...I did the lifting.  BS at 230 & presses at 65. Yeah I know those presses are light, but the shoulder...ahhhh. 

Then...excuse me while I have a prideful moment here...I didn't just walk away.  As they were setting up for the class and as Vivi was asking if we could leave...I set my crap up and set a timer.  I actually did the work out.  All alone...slow as shit...and god help me I can't do a push up any more...but I did it...ticked away at those 7 minutes and those stupid burpees.

When I was done...I worried a bit about the heart, but I let it I lay on the floor all I could think of was how in those 7 minutes I wasn't afraid.  In those 7 minutes I wasn't bruised.   In those 7 minutes I wasn't worried about how to move forward.

I just moved. 

I said to BJ as I was leaving the gym, "Heavy athletes shouldn't do burpees."

"Yes they should," He said.

"I know, that's why I did them...."

He just gave me a crooked smile and went back to class.  

As for the gym today~~

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

300....not the movie..

So, it has been a while since I have been here....300. mean I know I said I had gained some weight, but that's not what I meant.


After a full morning of domesticated crap...vacuuming, mopping, garbage taking outing, shampooing carpets, laundry, doing dishes, hanging up some art, vacuuming the car...I had to get the Hell outta there.

Yesterday was interesting in the gym.  I went at noon...I wasn't working....turns out everyone else had the same idea.   It was pretty packed for a noon class.

Did warm ups and rowing and blah blah blah...Back squat day.


The last few months have been lightish...I've been sore, injured, lazy too.

So I warm up with the bar.  Do my first set at 95.    Impressive huh?  Then 135....then 185.  Now lately 185 has started to feel heavy.  It didn't.

On to singles.

215...oh really heavy there Mona.  Then 235...felt ok.  then 265...hmmmm felt ok.

All the 300 other people in the gym were doing double unders and burpees or I thought...oh just try a little more, cause at least I am not doing THAT. Even though I was done with the 3 sets I needed to do.

285...haven't put 285 on the bar in a while.  It felt...ok.  My spine was still intact.

ok well Mona....what do you wanna do? you got another one in there? 

305. was sorta ugly, but it has been quite some time since I even tried it that heavy.  I have been feeling so fragile emotionally that I have let it make me feel the same way under the bar. I just focused on my legs...getting a good position with my knees and my hips.  It's not a pr, but it felt good. Even better was the reminder to focus on a small detail, a little adjustment that can help you get the bar up.  It isn't about the weight on my back, it is about the strength in my legs, my hips, how I hold my head, that makes the weight "bearable."

BJ is gonna bring in my next set of things to work on today....I am hoping I can let go of this fragile feeling that has been tugging at me.  At least under the bar. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Identity Crisis....

Actor or athlete?

Why can't I be both?  I know I have blathered on before on this blog about the struggle of being both.  About comments from my theater family that because I post so openly about athletics that they assume I am not interested in acting.  You know, I don't get called for readings and such anymore because I (sarcastic tone here) have to post sooooo much about athletics. 

Well...athletics...throwing~lifting~gym crap is in someways is easier to post about.  After all it is quantifiable.  There aren't really numbers associated with acting.  I can't track my "acting goals" on a spread sheet. Such a subjective beast~art. Then you add the additional issue that I am HORRIBLE at self promotion...ICKY POO.  I had a wicked blow this summer when I was told I was cast...and it just someone who is a fine actor...but a wicked self promoter.

So I think, often, maybe I am done as an actor.....the egos I can do without...cause never mind.....that's not true.  I have "labeled" myself an actor for so long...what would that feel like to just stop?  When I took a self imposed break from acting to help Kegan with college apps and auditions,  I had a friend warn me...."If you aren't doing it...people forget who you are and a year can turn to 10 years in a heart beat." The small group of talented folks I work with~laughed.  But I knew she was right.  It's my job to get out there...but maybe I don't want to...maybe, like I said, I am done. 

I have become more comfortable with the quantifiable.

Then....I had a rehearsal.  I love this work, I love who I am when I work.  I am me....just as much as when I am caring for my daughter~ just as much as when I am throwing.

The next morning, I found this's long, but boy oh boy it spoke to me. Read it if you care to.

I am not "inherently" anything...I am me and who I am around helps define what I do.

"Authentic Self"

"We don't have an authentic self. We are always a product of the interactions with people around us. They aren't interfering with the production of our identities; our interactions with them are the production of our identities....

......I've talked about this in the past, particularly when it comes to labels....I am a lot of things. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a student, a teacher, a feminist, a humanist, a liberal, a daughter . . . Each of those identities is important to me, and each is dependent upon other people for their very existence"


I am an actor...when I am acting.... 

I am an athlete...when I am athletic....

I am a lover....when I am loving....

I am a mom.....when I am a mother....

and on and on and on.

I am not the labels, I am the action....

I am.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Ah Facebook....

Stoop'd Facebook....this image is all over this morning.

 I was just gonna hit the share button, but I decided to look at the link it came from first....this is a tiny part of what I found....

"Being afraid doesn’t make you inadequate: Many of us feel embarrassed and ashamed of our fears. We’ve been conditioned to believe that fear makes us weak. “Grow up. Man up. It’s not cool to be scared. Don’t be such a cry baby.” But stored up fears never make us stronger. Quite the opposite, stored up fears break us (emotionally and physically). If you want to set a powerful example for yourself and others, give your fears a voice. Talk it out.......Let love rule: Love is greater than fear. And love is everywhere, always. Love is the glue that holds the infinite together."
I was reminded of this very thing this weekend....and someone reminded me to put a light back in my lighthouse...because I did break this weekend.   Sunday morning...was....dark...I became completely engulfed. I couldn't even look in the eyes of the people around me.

Crazy huh?

I had a fun day throwing...not great throws on my part, but fun and inspiring too....lots of friends and support and new throwers pulled from the ranks of Zia....but Saturday night I had a Tachycardia event..a long one too...I sat and tried to read and that's when the fears closed in on me.  I thought about reaching out for help...but it was late and I am supposed to be strong...I am supposed to hold it together...finally the heart calmed back down after about 2:30AM and I slept...but the night of fears and doubts and imagined limitations and perceived failures had consumed me to the point of barely being able to this overwhelming shame...shame of being me.

Happy little blog huh?

Thankfully.....I am surrounded by love,  by all of these people who love what they do, love life, thankfully like me a little too.

I allowed myself to just feel accept it and what do you know....the shame, the ridiculous self hatred and fear....began to ebb. I feel like I was saved by a dear friend Sunday.  Who just looked at me, but didn't press me to explain.  Who called the dark by name so that I could see it for what it was. Who just helped me sit with it and reminded me that I am enough.

Crazy I still need that reminder, but I also know I am not the only know because it was all over facebook....

HA HA HA....

It is time for me to just start again...

"If I'm miserable, change it. If I'm unhappy with my body, my strength, my relationships – whatever it is… CHANGE it. Quit bitching about it, and do it.

Life is short. I am meant to enjoy it while I'm here… Don’t stress about the crap I cannot control.

Life is short. Live it with a big fat smile on your face and warm the hearts of those around you.. you do not know when that smile will be the last smile they see, or the last one you give."

 No shame in having to start long as I keep starting long I as I can begin again.

I think it is gonna be a kick as Winter....just putting that out there.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Little repost

Oh, I miss dead lifts.  Not really the point of this re~post, but I do miss them. Not sure I could do them right now with the slightly less jacked shoulder, but I do miss them...

I get the point...I hear it loud and clear these days...the only thing I don't like is the idea that people have to take part in what you do in order to be supportive.  I happen to have wildly supportive folks around me who don't do anything I do.  But but but....I do know the pain of having someone belittle what I am doing.  Taken me a while to see that it really has nothing to do with me.  It can be excruciating to say goodbye to people, even when they are hurting you.  Funny to me that I can feel pain for something that no longer works....and in some cases, the people I have culled from my herd, don't even know they have been culled.  Makes that pretty clear they were not really friends in the first place huh? 

Maybe that isn't true...they were friends, but sometimes relationships serve a short term purpose.  Better to honor what once was and let it go, than expect anything to last forever.