Friday, April 29, 2016


Where do your deepest darkest insecurities come from and more importantly, are you still feeding them?

I am stepping into the birth of many of mine this weekend.  I hope to greet them with kindness I never knew and let them go.  I think that may be the only way I stop feeding them.

I don't MEAN to feed them, but I seem to slip them scraps under the table until they have grown so large that they push me away from that table which holds boundless love.

I only have me to change.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

count down

Yesterday was my 2x2 at 315

Not bad. Gary said my second rep was sloppy.....chest came forward, but even Gary said the first rep looked good.

It even felt speedy to me.


Next week....I shall try for 330, which will be a 5% increase.  If it feels good...who knows.

As for today...I could not finish the entire workout.  One of those, "why the Hell did I get a heavier one rep max on that push press" I am STRUGGLING with the 5 rep at 80%.  It was better than last week...but I haven't finished it yet.

Drove back to work with my hands on the bottom part of the steering wheel.

I am trying to remember how to study again too.

I have 500+ pages of financial rules and regs and formulas to learn.  I read through the whole dang book...took some practice tests...and now I am going back through again and taking notes and testing more frequently.

So much harder to study as an adult.

Oh well.

I thought it was so much harder to get fit in my forties too and look where THAT has taken me...

And to those of you who still read this...thank you.  Thank you for sticking with me.

Monday, April 18, 2016

one brick at a time....

I've been a little frustrated.  I set some goals for myself...regarding my weight and it goes up and down and up and down...then I came across this....

One at a time

 "The solution is fairly simple: choose the main thing you want to achieve, and then scale back the rest. For example, if you like to compete in bike races, triathlons, or any other competitive activity, that should be your main focus. Everything else should complement that goal, not take away from it."

Yeah...duh....We want it all don't we.  I chatted with BJ after my initial recovery program about how I felt weak. Then as I was losing focus...when he tricked me to work out at Praxis for a week(which has turned into 6 ).. I was REALLY whining about how weak I feel...

So guess what...I am on a strength, gaining what I asked for.  Some of this is about limited time too....I am lucky to get an hour to workout, maybe 5 days a week.

1 hour....

60 minutes.


Guess what?

I actually DO feel strong again. and....I fucking LIKE there it is.

In a couple weeks we will sit down and chat again about what to focus on...I have an idea...but seriously, I can't take off 50 pounds while trying to add 50 pounds to my freaking squat.  Someone out there probably can...but I can't.

Had a great appointment with my doc last week too....Let's face it...I am chubby right now... she asked me what was going on.  I said, "I'm Fat.'

Doc: Well, what's going on? what are your stresses?
Me:  Um....lots...( I share)
Doc:  I'm not worried then, I mean, I worry about your stress, but your weight and your blood pressure? They will come down.  You still working out?
Me:  Yea.
Doc: Listen, there are two basic types. One person loses weight under stress, others; like you, gain are a survivor.  Your body is holding on to everything in case it needs it later.
Me:  *breathes deeply*
Doc:  We'll keep an eye, but don't worry.

All this from a western med doc.

And you know what...a weight (not my chub) was lifted from my shoulders.

Funny I got both of these messages in the same week.

See this?  It's 300 pounds and I made friends with it today.

1x5 45
1x5 135
1x3 185
1x3 225
1x2 275

These were all light and speedy.



I have been OBSESSING over this workout for a week..a week. I walked into the gym scared.



I had to talk myself under the bar.  I was afraid it was gonna be one of those that just tore my spine.  I got under's heavy, but not horrid.  First rep...felt good. Heavy, but speedy. but then I had 2 more reps.  Ha.

I got through them all...the last rep of the last set was tough....but I didn't even wet my pants...nor did I cry.

Next week is 2x2 at my old one rep....I am hopeful, that if I prep well and sleep well and eat well; that a new one rep (post surgery) is possible.  I know 350 will be an elusive beast....but 330....sems possible now.

I love my gym and I like feeling strong again. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Art & Sport edition #773

So I have been on this lifting squat program thing for a few weeks...

It's supposed to add 3-5% to your one least that what most of the folks who have been on it at Praxis have achieved thus far.


I squat Monday and Thursday.

Started 6x2 at 80% Mondays the was an increase the first 5 weeks up to 6x6 ( yikes) and Thursday will always stay at a little reset.  So last week I started the descent.  Well, reps and sets go down but % goes up.  This Monday was 4x4 at 90%.  That was heavy...but it was easier mentally...something about 4...yeah, I can do 4.

I did...but I am sore. 

I am not looking forward to next Monday...3x3 at 95%...crap.  That seems scary to me. 

I would be so happy if I got 5%...that would mean 330...still off my all time, but it would be kinda awesome to get 330.

Today...I had an audition...well 2.  Same show different roles.  I did ok on the first, better on the second.  I walked away again just feeling good.  Don't care if I get it, I mean, I would LOVE to get cast; but it is fun to audition too...especially trying to get 2 distinct characters in a single audition.  I decided to go right to the gym...

My training program thing had not updated yet....I finally got it to work and guess what I see in there?

One rep max for a push press.

Crap....BJ..I can't do this,I'm not "ready." Push presses have been HARD lately.  I don't wanna...


warm up...2x3 bar
                 1x3 75
                 1x2  105
Then 125

I look up my recent one was figure why go for 145?  so I load 155.

felt good.


165...oh.  well it went up. Not easy, not super fast, but not ugly.

so 170.


reload.  I get it.. 170.  wheeee.  It's a PR PR too, not just a post surgery pr.  I have gotten 155 before, maybe even 160...I have to find my old book.  That's pretty cool. rep maxes.  Just breathe and go for it.  Sometimes you get it, sometimes it falls flat.

Too much fun to do both in one day.

But if I thought I was sore today....can't wait to see how this old broad feels in the morning.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

never learn. maybe.

I know know know I have written about how there are so many things in my life that I just never learn.  The same annoying body issues, same self hate, same feeling unworthy.


Well, I am not going to write about any of those things right at the moment.

This week someone Hurled these words at me, with all of the nasty vitriol you can imagine that come with it, " I am nothing like you."  It was truly an attempt at an insult. Truly.

And you know what?  Even the moment I heard those words, especially the way in which they were said,  I, right now you are not because you are missing the core things about me that are good.

Then my tiny brain actually started to think of the specific things in me that are worthy or fun or beautiful even.


I think this is a true piece of healing.