Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Worked out the last two days...lamely, but I  am there...moving.  Frankly, as nervous as I was yesterday working out without the Beta Blockers, it is so much easier to workout~without them.  

Today, I did the strength portion, then worked some throwing drills. Trying to get back on schedule.

I feel so, but I am cutting myself as much slack as I can.  I am moving...I am also not wiped out and headachy all the damn time. Yippie!

Ok...some weird stuff today.

I saw someone who does hypnotherapy recently at the behest of a dear friend.  In her wise estimation, I am still holding on to a bit of anger...which of course makes me laugh, Me? Get angry?  oh..yeah...that's the point.

Sorta afraid of my anger too, if it gets expressed it may never stop....perhaps I would have a complete melt down.....complete and total....core melting sort of thing.  So...Yeah.

Working with my friend Rick....he pointed out to me that when I talk about my anger, both at others and mostly at myself...that I laugh and I also cover my mouth.  This of course made me laugh more.  Then I dropped into whatever place that is when you do this sort of work.  I was surprised, I mean I wanted this, needed this release, but I expected, oh, tearing of hair, things flying, loud something or another...and the imagery that floated in my brain was quiet, peaceful, release. 

Not surprising, I saw an owl, her wing wrapping the anger up until it disappeared.

That was it.


The next morning I was thinking about something Rick had said to me, that I am still approaching difficult situations and people with an open heart...and I am still surprised when my heart gets broken over and over again.  I am the one who is letting this responsibility.  So, it is my responsibility to close my heart.

That thought hurt a little..then, thankfully, I remembered this little gem from Danielle LaPorte,

“Keep your heart open, as wide open as you possibly can. Keep it so soft. Let it be tender. FEEL EVERYTHING. Feel your feelings, share your feelings. Keep your heart gentle, gentle, open, open.
And then… put a big fucking fence around it. Make it tall and make it strong. Ask your angels to guard the gate for you at all times. Do not let anybody past your gate unless their own heart is open and gentle. Only let in people who are respectful, kind, interested and loving. Emphasis on respectful, kind, interested and loving.”

That fence?  That keeps my heart from growing hard...cynical....angry.


Wednesday, April 22, 2015

a day

Today at Zia:

Press 5×2  (I did 75)
Yoke carry down @ 225/155  (I did 135)
5 Deadlifts @ 255/175  (I did 95)
Weighted Lunges back @ 45/25   (I did 20)

Did the whole thing too...  I've seen 3 doctors in the last week; a cardiologist (a funny guy), an electrophysiologist(didn't know that was a thing), and my Primary.

Both the heart guys had this to say about working out, "yea go back, do what ever you want, if you have another SVT event, just try to get it under control."  I guess it is because they see heart stuff all the time, that makes them so cavalier.  Since it is my heart, I am not so cavalier.  Perhaps I am too cautious. Even today, during the warm up, I stopped...I could feel it going hard...I had to remind myself, THAT IS WHAT IT IS SUPPOSED TO DO.  I came down.

My primary..she said...go as much as you can, but be easy with yourself.  It is ok to be scared...just try to keep moving.  More my speed.

I do miss the heavy already...I do.  But....Even though I know it is a random thing this SVT .... I get all nervy in the gym....other times when I am trying to go to sleep.

I really really really want to be in the gym as much as I can until I have my surgery...procedure...thinggy that will fix the broken heart.  I know I will be better off if I get as strong and healthy as I can.

In lots and lots of ways it was such a relief to discover there is a little thing wrong with how my heart fires off.  I had held myself in blame for a long time...

About stress; did I bring this on myself, about hormones should I be doing something different, About lifestyle choices both past and present; why don't I do more, be more, fix more. About lifting heavy; did the late start working out cause this?  That one was a really painful thought...that I really had done this to myself...trying to get healthy.  All that stuff flooded back about me somehow being the fuck up, being the problem that caused THIS problem.

The electrician said absolutely not.

This is something I was born with...a little glitch, a little extra electrical pathway that will randomly over stimulate the pumping of my heart.

So they will thread me with a couple of catheters, up my thighs...placing electrodes in my heart.  Then they will try to get the heart going.  The quicker that happens, the quicker they find the secondary pathway~and zap it.

It really is pretty cool...amazing what they can do.  I am trying to focus on the positive....there are risks of course....big ones too, but they seem so matter of fact about this procedure, and the outcome, that I am really trying to stay calm about it too. Oh did I mention I have to be AWAKE for this thing? I need to focus on what may happen after~Perhaps that little bit of fear that I have clinging to me as I work out or throw will be gone as well....what might THAT bring?

The electrician said that he could tell this is weighing on my mind....he said the procedure fixes that too.

We also talked is an outpatient deal, which again, wacky and amazing.  But no heavy lifting, pulling, pushing, or twisting for at least a week. I look at Grant, then at the Doc~

M~can you define heavy lifting?

Doc~ um....huh?

M~I can dead lift almost 400  pounds. will need more than a week then, maybe two or three.  But everything else is pretty fast.

I feel like he really heard me when I told him that this is not my life, but it is an important part of who I have become.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, we will do this and you can get back to everything you want to do. Everything.

I believe him.

SO...I will work on my body and I will work on my fear....'cause~~

June 2nd.

My kids will be there and my sister and some close friends and Grant of course.  All I am worried about now is that when they release me that this group may try to take me out for pizza and a beer...

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

I know, I know

Some one who loves me boat loads chided me for the fact that I haven't written in a while....

Um, yeah...what the hell is there to write about after the hospital?

I move slow, I hardly go to the gym, when I do I am kinda afraid.

I am a ninny.

Can't get my meds straight....gotta see another heart doc next monday.  They are recommending surgery this time around.


and gross.

Oh I could have written about how I cried at the gym last friday cause I only deadlifted 125.  Got all wound up about,"who am I if I can't lift heavy."

Um Duh...I am still me...lifting heavy is just something I do and perhaps it will turn in to something it did once.

THAT'S Exciting to read.

The dude I saw up here wants me off the beta blockers.  He said, well ya can't really be an athlete on those things, they will slow you down.  Heck yeah....he did say too, that from the echo, there is nothing structurally wrong and it looks like there is no heart disease.

The surgery sounds weird and gross...and you are awake for it...and they fuck with your heart while they are in there to make it go crazy so they can shut down the right pieces of it.

um...ew...and scary.

Then I had all the metaphysical stuff coming at me too. So many years with a broken heart finally manifested into a broken heart....someone else suggested that my heart is cracking open to let love in again....all sorts of things to ponder, but ultimately, they saw something on the EKG that says there is an electrical storm in my ticker.

So, what to do?

Live with it...

Tricks and emergency pills to calm it down as needed....but it can become more frequent.

Surgery....ablation, not a crack you open event, a slide a catheter type thing.

I get to talk to my PCP the day after I talk to the second cardiologist.  I am happy about that.  There may be other things that the cardiologists are over looking. You know, if you ask a surgeon if you need surgery.....

I told BJ I was kinda depressed...there always seems to be something happening to this body of mine and surgery seems, ugh, for lack of a better term.  He said...why? at least now you have a possible diagnosis and potential treatment.  That's good news.


I guess it is.

Thanks BJ.

Know you understand why I am not writing?  But it does sorta feel good to get it off my chest (lol).