Trips and trip ups

Headed to Vegas tomorrow.  No, no, it's not one of those debauchery trips.  Honestly, I am not a fan of Vegas at all....but that's the home of the event I am headed to, so there ya go.

I have been looking at the hotel an I may just spring for a massage.  Though, massages by people I don't know and who don't know my neck scare me a little.  But I have found that I can actually say, "don't touch my fucking neck."  Well, you know me, I'd say it nicer than that, but you get the idea.

I am still struggling to remember exactly what I thought I might get out of the event...you know, there is this thing swirling around me about "getting my shit together."  I posted a stupid thing on FB recently about that....I am 51...this IS me with my shit together.  HA.  I remember years ago, friends who were a bit older than me saying things like, oh wait til your 50...things change....you don't give a shit what people think....you won't care so much about body image...you'll come into yourself.

Well.

No.

I missed that milestone too.

I mean, I do feel more settled in myself, but that has very little to do with age and more to do with work and freeing myself from damaging relationships....

But as for the rest, no....

In fact, since this is my blog after all, I am super duper struggling with body stuff right now. I had a series of things happen this year; health crap, weird family crap...that have shown me just how far I am from being comfortable with myself.

Sooooo, what did I turn to yet again?

Yup. Food....sweets....

So, I am not just a chubby masters athlete...I am a super chubby masters athlete. And Yes....I should focus on performance goals.  But the chubby and the self loathing keeps me from that focus. 

So no....turning 50 wasn't this magic demarcation.

Only thing that is magic is the fucking work I need to put in....

Yup, stuck myself in a cage of my own making again (yes that's a tad dramatic) but at least I know I did this myself and I know it's mine to get out of too.

So, off to an event that may just help kick me in the ass and show me some new keys or saws or dynamite to use on this cage to start my summer off right.

As for today, max set of 10 back squat...ew....and I'll be staring at my mail box as I wait for an application to my favorite game....oh and I need to pack....OH and go see a show tonight.

Rod is in Tartuffe at the Adobe Theater in ABQ....


Thanks for reading and thanks for putting up with my continued crap.

50....magic my ass....

At least Grant thinks my ass...is magic.... 😆

Events

I am headed to an event in June.  GRRRL Live in Las Vegas.  It's funny, when it first came, I was super gung ho about it....felt this super urge to go....saved my pennies and got a ticket.  Then I conned my friend Rachel to come with...then...I heard from Heather.  She is going to demo Highland Games stuff and she asked me to help with that...

And here we are 2 weeks out.

And I am guessing my voices are getting the best of me. 

I can't remember what I was thinking.  What was it I thought I might get out of it?  Why the hell did I ever think my fat ass could demo anything? Why did I think I could fit in with all these strong amazing women?

Ahhh see what I did there?

Yeah.

Thank you ugly voices for reminding me why I thought I needed to go....

You...the ugly voices...need some replacing.  I thought this might be another step in helping my 50+ year old self in changing the self talk.

So you are going. right???

Yes...yes.  and I am gonna be awkward and weird and uncomfortable...just like lots of the other women there.

So shut up and demo for Heather...and don't hide in your room.

OHHHHH.....Rachel also has a blog and we talked about doing some joint posting about the event...sounds kinda cool? yea?

That's it...gotta bench today...I'll report on that later.  Gotta get back in this habit if we are gonna post as we go in June...

well geeeeez

So, how'd that game go? You know the one you thought you might feel sad about?

It was fun.

I did a bit of side judging on cabers and cheered people on and just hung out. And. It. Was. Just. Fine.

There have been some big goings on in the art department of my life though...I know I have mentioned the "writing project" I have...

Well....it is still moving forward.

I have been working with Rod...for those of you who have been reading this silly blog for a while...I have been working with Rod for like 25 years...He kills me.  One of those people in my life; lucky for me there are quite a few; who are so god damn smart, it hurts.... you know those folks...they make you better when you are with them, even though they aren't trying to do that at all....ANYWAY....we did Frankie and Johnny like 5 years ago.

He has helped me create a piece.

And, well....it is happening.

Like....we have a space....and dates.  Because I was overwhelmed at the first meeting..I still need to clarify those dates...but we have dates.  Scott Harrison, who runs Ironweed Productions, has pushed me...'cause he is one of those people like Rod...he is pushing and supporting me to do this...thing...this story, that I wasn't even sure was a story. Well, to be honest, I have quite a few people who are supporting this.  I have so many amazing people in my life...I surely don't deserve, but am endlessly grateful for.

It is late October/early November...details to follow when I have them.

AND......

The Adobe theater in Albuquerque has offered me a reading time....So, on June 9th at 7PM...the Adobe theater is hosting me...crazy.  Well, I do need to clarify, they have started a new program.  They call it Second Sundays.  The second Sunday of a show, they have reading of new, local, works in the evening.  I am completely in love with this idea.  I love new works...I love being in a reading...doesn't matter if they are perfect...it is a wonderful opportunity to give a playwright a chance to hear their work....I digress...

I was offered the June spot. June 9th.

Yeah.

Me...What?

Honestly, it terrifies me, but given the work that Rod and I have put in and the fact that we are doing this in November...it is a great way to get our feet wet and hopefully get some good feedback.  Rod and I have decided that I will mostly read the piece, but we will show a few of the physical pieces we have worked on. My friends Quinn and Sheridan, who are a part of the ABQ theater scene, are working on our behalf to get some ABQ theater people there.

This is all a very long way to say I won't be throwing in the Master's Championship Game this year.  I had not really decided that I WOULD, but this makes it clear that I won't.

Truth is, I am a Master's Champion...and I did it in Scotland for fucks sake, against some amazing women. No matter how my athletic pursuits play out, no one can take that away from me.

Right now, art is calling...

and oh, yesterday?  I got a set of 2 push press at 135....that's the shit too...

Feeling....

I'm feeling really weird.

I still remember my first game. It was here in ABQ at the Rio Grande Valley Celtic Festival in 2011.  I have written about it ad nauseam, so I won't hit you with all the details...AGAIN.  But I do remember coming down, with Emery, early early that morning.  I lived in Santa Fe at the time.  I had only been to maybe 3 or 4 practices and I was nervous.  I didn't really know anyone, I didn't have a kilt, and my ex never showed up to watch me throw.  Now I have a family of throwers.  And a true partner. 

I felt as weird as I do today and probably tomorrow. 

I kinda thought I'd always throw at these games, but this year was not meant to be.  I was supposed to throw with the young women too...I was looking forward to the challenge, but, well...I have had a few other challenges. As we always do.

Even though it looks like my health stuff was, as I anticipated, a "false alarm", I still stand by my decision to pull out from competition. The stress of waiting for an answer and the soreness of my body this week just confirmed that this was the right thing to do.

But still...weird.

I will be on the field....being a back up judge and helping with side judging and probably making sure y'all are drinking enough and using sunscreen.  I know there are some folks out there that would like to see me go away completely...but y'all can bite my big fabulous ass.

I'll get back to training next week.  James has been wonderfully understanding and supportive.  And once my belly stops aching, I'll get back to some serious (and silly) throwing.

Thanks for reading and if you see me being weird at the festival this weekend, can you just remind me with a gentle slap that it is just a game after all.