Wednesday, January 29, 2014


A fundraising update....I have 19 days left and I need 251 dollars.  Crazy huh?

Big thanks to another anonymous gift
Sheila Beuler
Hersch Wilson
Kristin Muchmore

I know it's been up and out there a while, but if y'all can share it again....  push me over the top.

I missed Monday's workout....rough day...I was afraid I'd hurt myself.  I did (almost) double the work yesterday.

5x3 Back Squats 235  These felt stupid heavy, but because I skipped Monday, I got to lift with Will.  I really love having him watch and encourage me.
5x3 Bench Press  85  Ok I know that is light, but it is the heaviest I have been able to BP since I injured my that is something.  AND the shoulder doesn't hurt today.

I also did a bunch of throwing drills...I am getting much more consistent staying on a straight line with the Weight for Distance foot 6 turns in a line sometimes.  Well, like the bench's good for me.

I work in a very paperwork heavy office.  We are required to maintain old client files for 7 years after a client has left.  So, every year on or about January 1st I go into the secured section of the office and pull out the bankers boxes of old files.  I have always sorta enjoyed this process....pulling apart files....seeing what people once owned....seeing how long they were clients....saving file folders.....having a little pile of paper clips on my desk to show the progress...then finally the shredding.

I know I am weird, but I like the finality of shredding.  It's a task, it's doable, it's done. 

The longer I work here, the more knowledge I have of files I am currently shredding.  I have been working at this same little desk for about 13 years now after all.  Time is weird, well, how I mark it is weird...the first markers I have are, "what grade were the kids in when that happened?"  The second?  "What show was I working on when that happened?"  I have these files too....

This year was especially interesting. As I was pulling certain files, I realized that seven years ago or so, we had 3 clients leave the office because, well, they died.  Sorting through the papers I inevitably come across this beautiful blue and gold embossed piece of paper.  It really is lovely. 

For each one who left us that year, I run the tips of my fingers across the seal of the State of New Mexico.  I look and remind myself just how they died....looking at that tiny space on this beautiful document that sums up this person's battle.  I look once again at the name, remembering the last time they were in the office, or the last time I spoke with them on the phone, and in one case the phone call from a partner, in deep shock, telling me in ghostly tones, that she was gone.

She was gone.

All I have left of her is this piece of paper.  This document that lists a start date and an end date. This beautiful piece of paper that I then let slip through my fingers and shred. 

We often send the shredding to a company that does that sort of thing...but I always shred the Death Certificates myself. Beautiful blues and golds into thin strips of paper....that's all I will be some day as well.  That is what we are reduced to in the end; well, at least in the eyes of the state.

I could not help but think of this as I held my divorce paper work on Monday.

A life together came down to:

7 signatures
42 pages
2 envelopes

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Thank you

Okie dokie...

Frankly? I have let stress get the better of me lately.  I know stress is real...but I acknowledge that I am the one in charge of how I react.I haven't written in a while and I swear it isn't because I am ungrateful or that I have nothing to say...I just don't know HOW to say what I'd like to say...

First things first....

Marla Diener and Plaza Builders

Y'all have pushed me into the 80%+ range.

Thank you seems such a small word....but it comes from the heart.

Thank you so very much.....all of you.  I am less than 500 away from meeting my goal for this trip.  Sometimes I still cannot imaging it happening....the trip I mean. The divorce...moving twice in 3 months...not even knowing where Genevieve & I might be living as I head into this "season" makes me stop dead in my tracks some days. I keep throwing, I keep heading to the gym, I keep working on my script, I keep going to rehearsal...some days it seems selfish, but I know that is "Old Voices"...there are newer voices telling me that staying healthy, that showing my daughter you don't quit when things get hard, that honoring who you are are not actually "selfish" choices....someone smarter than I can come up for a word for what it is...

I am not the thrower or lifter I was last year....I am surprisingly more afraid, weaker too probably.  I let myself embrace that this week when I tried to throw.  I know I have to let go of the numbers I had last year and remember WHY I started to throw. 

The joy in moving my body.  The power I was connected to....the fun. Right now...being on the field is enough...because really? It always has been enough. Do I really want to use my "performance" as another way to beat myself up as a failure? I have enough of that flying at me both internally and externally.  Why the heck would I take something that brings me joy and turn it into a weapon against myself?

For those of you who knew me before I was an athlete, yes I am still working on my art...this is just around the corner....and I have been so blessed to be able to work on this piece with Rod & Vanessa.  I know I rarely write about my artistic life.  I am not sure why.  I think I have said before that it is harder to put on paper because it is not quantifiable. Lifts and throws are numbers...yes I get emotional state plays role in how well I throw...but I can't really write about how many pages I have memorized like I do pounds I have lifted.

I mean I could:

Act 2
First 4 pages:
3x1  Reading pages only
2x1  Reading with index card covering my lines.
2x1  Going over lines with Genevieve.

hmmm....I kinda like that.

This week in the gym?

Bands are back on the weights...dammit that makes me laugh something stupid.

I added 10-25 pounds to everything.

Even my lame ass push presses.  I am back up to 85 pounds for 5x3 and my shoulder hasn't fallen apart.

Headed to the Arnold very soon...not sure how I feel....I sorta can't believe I said yes. After all, I got notice only 2 weeks after that dark I thought I would be in a place to go, I don't know.  I suppose....I saw it as an escape. 


I see my self as kinda simple minded and short sighted...but, I also kinda can't wait to see so many different kinds of competition.  Who knows...It may help fuel this slightly broken apart old lady. 

Friday, January 17, 2014

odd things pop up. is moving day again.  Still a temporary thing, but hell what isn't?

I so appreciate the soft, safe place my sister gave me to land, it is time to move on.  Vivi and I need more that feels like ours.

For some reason, I put off packing....I mean I don't really have much to pack anyway.  Lesson here?  I lived with WAAAAY less for the last three months....less feels just dandy.  Anyway....I start packing last night and I feel my breathing shift and my heart starts to race.  Dammit.

So I take a step back and try something the therapist I am working with suggested. I stop and dig my feet into the ground.  Just like I do when I am attempting to pick a caber.  I take another breath...dig my feet toward the ground again.  I stand up straight.....oh.

Something comes into focus.

The last time I "packed." Oh...I caught myself before the heart spun too fast. I was throwing my things into boxes with very little care..shoving clothes in as fast as I could.  I had to do that the last time I had to "move" I don't need to do that now.

 So I chose to walk away from packing and drink some tea. 

Then I finished packing very little...and I did it really slowly.

Odd the things that trigger me these days. Ok though too....learning a bunch about myself. I don't have to go into an automatic flight state.  I can approach fear like I do a caber.  Focus, breathe, size that bastard up, give it the respect it deserves...and let it go. The fun part of this metaphor for dealing with the PTSD from that night? I didn't come up with it...the therapist did. 

Let it go.

I am also grateful for silence.  There has been a choice made to not speak to me anymore.  I get it on so many levels.  After that night, I kept trying to talk to fix to connect things to make sense of things...I kept opening myself up for painful, painful interactions(which I am sure did not help him either)....when what I really need to do was not speak anymore.  I needed to stop trying to make it ok, to stop trying to make him feel better for what happened.  And now in classic form...stories have been turned on their head.

I am grateful for the silence because I can focus on Vivi and I....I am grateful for the silence because I didn't deserve what happened that night....I am grateful for the silence because I realize that I am worth the peace.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Choosing overwhelmed

Allison Moore
A "Schaum"~who did not fully identify themselves!
And The "woollvenator"

Cheryl Westphal Smith
Faith Applewhite
Alaina Warren Zachary
And another anonymous,
Skip Rapoport
Kate Kita & Trent Botkin
Pattie Ravenheart

Overwhelmed by the kindness & support. The kindness of the people I know...

I had a really tough week last week...but what keeps me going are the people who have allowed me into their lives. I don't profess to know everyone that I know in the same way...god knows that's impossible, but each person I am blessed to have in my life in either a gigantic or an occasional or casual way bring light to me.  Through this rough time I am being held up in ways I did not even know were possible. 

I am also learning that I can ask for know like a spotter at the gym.

Speaking of...

Bench Press and Back Squat Day at lunchtime. 

5X3 it didn't hurt.
         Squat  at 265  felt way too heavy!

I still need to tell the caber story....but I am still not quite ready yet.

And I missed a workout on Friday....I was sure that I would get hurt...but I also found a new place to live....

I also missed throwing on Sunday~against not only my better judgement but the order of my physical therapist...but I got to crazy up my daughter's hair which was, frankly, more fun than breathing.

So while it feels sorta easy to say I am overwhelmed..I am gonna choose to see all the ways in which I am overwhelmed by my my the the divine in all the people who see me, big or small pieces of me and don't turn learning to really look in the face of fear and find my strength.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

more ways you make me giggle....

Erin Powers 
Kevin Yarritu
Michelle Lee Whitford
Ivan Calhoun
Stephanie Lathrop
Kori Reid
Quinn Mander

Heather Ahtone
Eliza A Kretzmann

You guys rock my world!

Wow...I am at 45%

I am almost 1/2 way to my goal after a week!

I was at the gym today at noon and it is Deadlift testing day... and I am not doing Crossfit so...I didn't have one rep testing... 

almost cried, but not really.

I saw some HUGE lifts....


Made me wanna dance for you all.

sadly I dance like this:

I'll write about my programming soon, just not today...trying to find my footing.

Like picking a caber...more on that tomorrow...I promise.

Monday, January 6, 2014


Pierre Barrera
Matthew D Scarborough
Travis Hudson
Cody Hanson
Raquel Thompson
Michele D'Amour McDanel
Gilbert Quintana
Nikki Malec
Andrew Fisher
Marcial Marz Rodriguez
Grace Grant
Chris Grant
Kim & Mark Martinez 

 Anonymous !
Thomas R. Campbell
Roberto Torres
Anonymous !!
Cory Black
Kerry Beinlich 

Ok..all I have left to say is holy moly.

When the first person put me up to this...the Indiegogo thing...I was very...hmmmm....wary of the whole thing.  I mean, I know I have made myself public by writing on this blog, but I also know a BUNCH of folks also going to Scotland and it felt odd to put this out there. I know it is a stretch for almost everyone going.  Heather sorta insisted and came up with great ideas as well as enlisting her husband for artwork.  I have also had some technical support from Lisa Bradley and Pierre.  He had some great ideas for tweaks that other people have really liked.   

I am at 26%...that is in less than a week...I am thinking maybe, just maybe that with all of your help, that this can actually work.  

I am sorta left speechless as I think of this...and all of you...Including people...that I don't even know.

All I have left to do? Hit the gym today so I can make y'all proud.


Friday, January 3, 2014


Ok so get this....

I am 2% funded!

You guys are great!

Michele McDanel

Pierre Barrera

Raquel Tompson

I am touched by the number of folks who have shared the page too!

So..I did hit the gym last night....guess what I had to do? drills.


I'll get there, but I am trying to do that foot work drill stuff to get smooth and it is making me wish I had been in a dance class once in my life. Well...I have done a dance class or two...but dang I feel clumsy. 

Stone throwing drill type stuff too with a medicine ball...changed up my feet a bunch..  Interesting.  The proof will be in the pudding, when I have to throw a stone!
I have heard a rumor that practice is going UP this weekend...WOB & Sheaf.

oh boy.

Best news?  my shoulder doesn't hurt after the hammer winds or the stone drills....


Thanks again to my 2% . You guys rock.

Get me to Scotland