Monday, September 29, 2014

Not alone...not alone...

Contemplating a week off...just cause....stress...and laziness.

And I found I am sharing.  

8 Practical Steps To Getting Over Your Impostor Syndrome

If you feel like a fraud, you're not alone. Follow these eight steps to reverse the cycle of self-doubt.
Impostor syndrome is much more common than you’d think--over 70% of people have experienced it at one time or other in their lives.
It is known that lots of entrepreneurial and high-achieving women have it, but I’ve also found that it’s pretty common in men, too.
Impostor syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to see their own accomplishments, dismissing them as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.
In fact, it seems like people in the software or online industries present lots of cases of impostor syndrome
The speed at which technologies grow means you learn new things in almost every project, and that may make you feel like you are not performing as you should (or that you aren’t in control of what you are supposed to be an expert in).
When problems start to arise, lots of times they are already solved by somebody else. In environments like that, it’s easy to feel you aren’t smart enough.
I’ve felt like this sometimes. Receiving positive input about my performance or work, and not believing it just because what I did was easy, or I got lucky. Or I just dismissed those opinions, thinking that if a real expert came in and looked at what I had done, he would show everyone that I was a fraud.
When that fear strikes, you start thinking that everyone is smarter than you, that there are lots of things that you don’t know that everyone else already knows, and that they are expecting you to know them, too.
But there are ways to reverse this cycle and overcome impostor syndrome. Here are eight steps that can help.

8 steps to overcoming impostor syndrome

  1. Recognize that it exists.
  2. When you receive positive feedback, embrace it with objectivity and internalize it. By denying it, you are hurting that person’s judgement.
  3. Don’t attribute your successes to luck.
  4. Don’t talk about your abilities or successes with words like “merely,” “only,” “simply,” etc.
  5. Keep a journal. Writing your successes and failures down gives you a retrospective insight about them, and re-reading them makes you remember equally both of them.
  6. Recognize that the perfect performer doesn’t exist, and that problems will pop up eventually. Take them as little fires under you that make you move forward.
  7. Be proud of being humble.
  8. Remember that it’s okay to seek help from others, and that even the best do it.
Extra tip by Hackbright Academy’s blog: Accept the fact that there are things that you do not know, there are things that you will never know and there are things that you can decide to learn.
A beginner’s mind can be a very big advantage!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Thoughts after last night....

So,  I went to yoga last night.

I am a convert.  I swear I did not know how to breathe or move or BE before this class.  I have given BJ notice to cancel my membership at Zia and I am praying the last few years of lifting and throwing hasn't ruined me for yoga.....

So, I show up in the parking lot, the class is held at the Photo Eye Gallery....and I meet Ness.  We mat down next to each other and I immediately apologize for the skepticism that is ooooozing off of my skin.  The teacher is Kim....seems nice enough, she's a bigger girl like me which is cool.  It is a big class....but that is ok.  The thing I notice the most, is that many of the poses are things I already know and already do.  I am not completely new to this after all. I am a lot more flexible than I give myself credit for as well. Also....lots of these yoga poses have clearly been adapted by the mobility folks as well, as I am doing shit I do for warm ups.

It was ok until my attention started to go to the patterns on the floor, the mat, my own foot. 

It was sooooooo looooooong.

I am also perhaps too social for this thing....I also could have used more guidance.  I know that a pose held wrong can do more harm than good.

I suppose though, I could use some more of this quiet meditative type movement.  It would also do me some good to look at the reasons I am thinking yoga might be a good addition to my training.  

I know it might help my core (so do deads and squats), increase flexibility, calm my over~charged mind.   So...something in me is bucking hard against this. Is it because it is such a Santa Fe thing to do? Is it my prior experiences with nasty yoga teachers?  Is it just 'cause I gotta be a pain in the ass about SOMETHING?  Yet still...I am the one proposing to to myself...HA.

So....I told Ness...a couple more classes with Kim and we are gonna check out that Blue Moon place people have recommended and perhaps a few more too. Frankly the people were fine, the teacher was sweet, so I got nothing to bitch about for my first foray back into yoga.  It was just....yawn...but that's my problem, not yoga's problem.

I think if she will put up with me I am gonna ask Ness to help me stick with this 'til the end of the year.  Then I'll have time to see if I am getting what I think I want from it. 

Crap....I guess I need a yoga mat....

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Little things and mostly not enough....

I know I am supposed to be writing about my trip, the games; I did a little....sigh.  I really should have written as I went.  Cause this is likely to be either a rambling mess....or super short with nothing but numbers....

I worked out today....I could start with that.
Push Press
Dumbell Snatches 
One leg box jump things.
Curls.  (yeah Curls)

Found out that my kids show is next weekend...ONLY next weekend and no show on Thursday, which means I am gonna miss Aztec. Bummer....but I can't wait to see him in a show.  He wasn't cast at all last year so it has been a while.  Gonna be a quick trip...lots of car butt hurts already.  

 hmmmmm  how does one sum up the games in Scotland....Juli has already done it better than I....the nerves, the chatter about it might not be a fun group, the fear that was placed on us after a couple of the groups hit the WOB and broke a bunch of boards....I know I got caught up in that mess too...forgetting that it doesn't matter if it's a knock off bar or not, cause it is supposed to to OVER the bar....also the crazy beautiful river next to our first event, the generous ladies in our class, the weather that moved in on the second day, the judges that were just...YES....the field, the people, the family, the other throwers who hung out with our class....the absolute fun we had....each of the days, but especially on the last day....dancing on the field....judges too.

Day 1- LH, HH, Caber
Day 2- BS, OS, LWD, HWD
Day 3- WOB

Michaela Pennekamp - Nordrheinwestfalen, Germany
Juli Peterson, Wauwatosa, Wisconsin
Stephanie Lathrop, Orting, Washington
Kenna Halsey, Portland, Oregon
Gretchen Yoder, Salem, Oregon
Petra Mueller, Ludwigsburg, Germany
Becky Wissink, Fredericksburg, Virgina
Meike Stoeffler, Ludwigsburg, Germany
Victoria Wechter, Oregon City, Oregon
Edie Lindburg, Parker, Colorado
Allison Daniel, Midlothian, Virginia

I have thrown with some of these ladies before...some are new to me.  Learned something from Allison that I will carry with me, "Gotta find your starting point."  She had been in a devastating car wreck 3 years ago and she is just now getting back to throwing.  Just for that....she rocks,  I know way too many of us shut down, stop, or just move on when there is something in our lives that turns everything on its ear.  She trains horses and she said she needed to remind herself of the concept of  a starting point after an injury that she allows her horses.  She needed to allow the same for herself.  And you know what? She threw really well!  I also took this in.  I know you all know what a challenge the last year/year and a half has been.  I guess I need to allow myself a starting point too.  I know I have written about how I am coming out of the "hermit phase" of things....but I am realizing that I am not all there yet...(well, I'll never be ALL there HA)

If I am honest though, the first day of the games I had a rough start to my day.  I could feel that pull of wanting to run, or hide.  That feeling like I was a fraud...that I don't belong with all of these women, that they would find me out, and politely ask me to leave so that a real athlete could have my spot...a worthy woman.  I spent a large chunk of the morning working mobility....fighting nausea until I remembered that DUH you are here by choice and this shit is fun.  The deal I made with myself before I came was to just throw what I throw, to not judge myself (plenty of others doing that, you know actual judges), and to have fun.  When I got to the field I found Michaela...she was just as nervous as me...maybe more so.  And I remembered all those promises....we held each other for a bit....I told her how much I have always LOVED to watch her throw.

Did I throw my best that weekend? Yes.  Did I throw everything well? Hell no.  WFD got me all tangled.  I have no idea why I fell apart so bad...not just heavy, but light too.  But...I was happy with shoulder pain! Some how I managed a 1st in open.  yeah....I just wrote that.  After the event, Mark W came over and gave me something to work on for the off season.

Hammers?  wow.  I don't know what happened.  My first throw of the first day was a bomb.  Easy, fast, and long.   When they measured and measured again I thought I'd my crap my pants.  I said to Edie..."I don't care what happens the rest of the day...I am DONE!"  Then heavy hammer? Same freaking thing....Some day though, it would be nice to have the last throw best throw thing....I really didn't care what else happened during the weekend, which is why I wasn't all too disappointed with WFD. Plus I got to watch both Juli and Michaela throw and even though their form is radically different...they are beautiful. Just beautiful.

The caber was cabery....Top heavy and fun to try and negotiate.

WOB was WOBy....we all seemed super nervy...but after everyone was in people threw great...PR's all over the place.  I was thinking I'd see someone hit 20....I really did.  I was just hoping to get on the board, because 3 days of throwing had sorta done me in.  I have such a hard time just throwing it when it gets high.  I know I have more in there....but I get in my own way and try too hard.  Michele was laughing at me about that...."when it is right it is easy, stop trying so hard"...true.

 Got deep on that one, but I bet I could drop dat ass more.

 You can see on this miss that I pull too soon.

Really though, these two videos taken by Sean are cool.  The light...I mean yeah.

I tried to remember something Mark Buchanan told me in Pleasanton, "you have to start believing you are an athlete, Mona." I am trying Mark...

All in all....and you can see it in some of the photos...I was so happy....such great people..such such support...such love.

Now that I am home again?  Huh....I saw a post from Terri V...She's got her goals for her off season....I don't.  I don't know what I am going to do.

I have a major thing at work that will pull all my extra time....and....I just don't know.  I have a fantasy that somehow I can get some training from someone who knows a shit load more than I do...but I am in NM....I think for now I need to focus on:

1. Dialing in my food again.

2. Accepting what Mark told me.

Maybe in a couple weeks I'll figure something else out.....but for now....I still need a nap.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Quick notes

I knew I should have written as I went along...but I didn' there it is....

I am uber tired today and also needing to catch up at work, so this is gonna be a quickie.

Learned a couple of travel lessons:

1.  If I use a city as a "layover spot" I need to stay at least a full 24 in the middle of the travel days.  We shorted ourselves on both Glasgow and Edinburgh...which we sorta knew would happen, but we were too fried post games to hit the Kelpies on the way back and simply ran out of time.

2. I love trains.

3. I had a hell of a time understanding the Scots....I did not, however struggle with Irish speakers...I realized the second day in Scotland, I was asking people to repeat CONSTANTLY...I had a thought about language that brain was able to "fill in" what I thought was coming next while listening to the Irish, but my ears/brain got ahead of me with the Scots...the next day I actually thought to myself..."slow down your listening"  it worked...weird.

4. We ate at the same place in Dublin 3 was tasty.

5. I love trains.

6. Learned how much better informed the average person on the street is in Ireland and Scotland than I am....Sitting in a cab, more than once talking not only detailed history, but trade and economic impacts on both Scotland and Ireland of the vote today, was eye opening.

7. The Scots were, on average, larger...I didn't feel like such a freak.

8. Scottish judges in the games? They rock beyond words...dancing on the field...teasing us....the love of sport and life in general was palpable.

9. Did I mention trains?

10. Ok beef....yes, beef, the "it's whats for dinner" stuff.  I thought I knew beef...I am, after all a carnivorous American....and I am next to Texas and well, NM has some kick ass grass fed producers.  So, I had not thought much about eating beef in this trip.  I noticed though, that in Dublin, lots of restaurants put right on their menus, "our beef is from Ireland." Yeah yeah whatever I thought...that is until we had some steak.  Now we never really ate anywhere but pubs...well once in Scotland we ate a little fancier...but this was "pub" meat.....I have to tell you....the Irish know how to raise some damn cows.  Holy Moly....I know...right, but I am dead serious...

11. I am gonna miss black pudding and haggis too, not as much as the beef...but yes....that stuff rocks. Any one who says "British" food sucks...I have no idea where they ate,, no.

12. Coffee? mmmmmmm so good.

13.  Learned more than I expected about whiskey...we only got to one distillery (which messed up awards for the games! sorry~more on that later), but I learned so much from bartenders, that it will change my drinking habits forever.

Ok....back to the 500+ emails at work...I'll write about the games soon....

mmmmm   beef......

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

First couple O'days here...(see what I did there?)

Initial little observations.....

Dublin is a very cool walkable place.....good thing too cause I had a few Guinness and some cheese cake and lots of "Irish  breakfast". Guinness seems to own EVERYTHING and they really know how to market their shit. The VIP tour was a hoot.  Found out that if you serve Guinness in Ireland...they maintain the taps and lines and so forth. I think that's why it tastes better.

Dubliners move fast! It's a city people...move over....oh, I have not gotten the hang of looking left before I cross the street....I am gonna get hit.

The people here are very helpful too, had two people stop and help us find what we were looking for, cause if you think the streets in Santa Fe are messed up. They ain't got nothing on Dublin....

I feel like a giant a freak.  HUGE doesn't even begin to cover it, I mean, I know I'm heavy right now and struggling with some old body issues...but I am not just talking about being a little more padded than the people here....I tower over everyone....

Odd. I hope I get over this feeling like a huge freak thing soon.

I loved the hotel I booked on line....we got in to Dublin at 5AM, a tricky time to get in, got to the hotel a little before 7AM and the hotel...opened a charge...sweet....spent the next 7 hours walking the city, looking at churches, museums.  I was determined to stay awake.  Unfortunately, we went to the hotel restaurant for a sandwich and I fell asleep....sitting in a chair...other than that...the lag thing is manageable.

In Scotland today...holy shit holy shit holy shit....I was thinking I loved the hotel in has nothing on this place in Glasgow...walking distance to the botanic gardens....beautiful area...beautiful architecture....on the third's a full freaking apartment...and it was NOT expensive...

Glasgow...I have one night here and it feels....unacceptable.  I don't know how I'll do it, but I must spend a week here....oh, after walking the gardens, we saw a church....I love peeking in when I can, love the opulence, the craftsmanship, but people were sitting in the courtyard...peeked in and the sign said "Whiskey Bar." Fun restoration....full music venue where the altar would have been.

Tomorrow will be our first foray into the country side....just the way the trip got structured. I am seeing tons of photos from people on Facebook...ruins, castles, rivers, stones, sheep....

I'm am looking at a whole different thing.  Like I just worked out that way....maybe it's cause I am a city girl deep down......I do look forward to having a longer stretch of time to explore Inverness...see some countryside....oh and throw...yeah.

Been foam Rollin', lacrosse balling, working with the rubber band thing...and yeah WALKING....a shit ton.

I get one day in  Edinburgh....I'm sure I will regret the short day here too~then back to Dublin...  

I already know I wanna come I have missed this sort of travel.  I mean I have been traveling for games the last few years, but it is so different.  I know, I know, this is for a game too...but there is so much more to it than that.  There is a little piece of that fearless girl that I am nurturing on this trip....she deserves that.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Late and short

A reminder:

Braemer  22'2"
Open       26'6" 
HWFD    45'9" 
LWFD    61'10"
HH         64'
 LH          85'6" 
WOB      19'2"

Braemer  24'3"  Wow...nice jump if I say so myself.... it's a big rock too.
Open       29'5.5"  huh.. 
HWFD    38'10"  yeah...I just wrote that....I fouled TWICE...and barely stayed in on this one.  why? I have no was  The next event was heavy hammer, so I just shook it off and got a big throw on the hammer.  But this throw really really bugged me ALL day.
LWFD    63'9"
HH         70'4"
LH          84'7"
WOB      19'

No pr's, but a couple of season bests.  Challenge caber on day 2 I got three 12 o'clocks~crazy.   Took a shot at the championship caber...hahahahahahahhah.

85 pounds, made of metal.

Yes. Metal.

I picked it twice, first go at it was maybe 40 degrees.  I was happy.

Even though I didn't get any pr's and it seems unlikely I will be killing my numbers any time soon, I was pretty happy with my throwing...well, except that heavy weight.  I have no idea...ugh.

My friend Mark got a world record this weekend.  We laughed that he didn't even KNOW what the record was and it was probably a good thing he didn't....because he just threw. We were all talking about just how many "Western" throwers are gonna be in Scotland next weekend too....

Shot for 20 on WOB the first day...hit the bar...but no go....second day...19'6"   Same deal.  Just could not close the deal...again....

I thought seriously about giving myself a rest week this week...I am tired, but then I remembered that I leave for Scotland on Sunday and will not be "training" before the games that will have to be my rest week.  I think all of the walking will do wonders for me...and hopefully my stress levels too.  The worst piece of my training right now is sleep...sigh.  Nightmares have returned and sleep had become elusive.  Once that falls off, my eating goes to Hell in a Handbasket too.

I wish I had made the time to write sooner...there were so many great things last weekend.  Went shopping with Shannon, Steph, and Beth...which was a hoot! I got to see Kerry & Paul.  Got to hang out with Matt and Pam at their place with their kids and some friends.  I had two people make me cry on the field.  Yeah...I'm such a classy athlete.

I am also struggling with body image again too....sigh...

I have some big things I have to work on after I get back from Scotland too...and I wanna just let them go until I get back.  But I can feel them nipping at me.

I am hoping to write a little more....write while I am traveling. 

I am nervous too...not just about flying, which I LOOOOOVE (said while rolling my eyes)....but I am feeling that old stuff again..that fear of disappointing all of the people that support me....the kids, the NM throwers, Grant, BJ, Chuck, Will, the list goes on and I have to remind myself....remind myself that I am still grateful that I can just freakin' move.  Grateful too, that so many people have made it possible for me to throw...and throw in Scotland for god sake.  I have said it before...just being on the field...that's a win in my book.