just 21 days!

 I have been having this conversation with a couple of groups of friends lately...

I cannot deal with the general thoughts around changing a habit or starting a new habit.

This:

"Commit to a personal or professional goal for 21 straight days. After three weeks, the pursuit of that goal should have become a habit. Once you’ve established that habit, you continue to do it for another ninety days. If you can keep up something for three weeks and then ninety days, then it should become a permanent lifestyle change."

 

This has never ever worked for me...EVER.

Nope Nope....Back in 2010 when I got started on this fitness journey I committed to the first three months...hard.  Then I kept it up...later that year I committed to eating a certain way...eating better....

I kept that up too...for like a year.  I started a new sport etc.  But none of it sticks..

When I had to leave my first gym, I almost didn't go back, when BJ shut down...Ugh..that STILL kills me.  I still miss that community. 

I still fight to go to the gym.

10.  Years.  Later.

There is no habit...certainty not a "permanent lifestyle change."  

 I fought to go today...and as for that eating well thing.

Yea.

Fuck me.

 

 "permanent lifestyle change."

 

I was bitching and moaning to my friend Grace about this....she threw me a bone....

Trauma Brain.

There may be physical do-dads in my brain that have been informing this behavior...ways that the brain learns to rewire to deal with trauma, especially in early childhood, that have simply changed the way my brain functions. 

I will remind myself that these were survival adaptions so in this case I will choose not to berate myself that I should be able to work harder to change it or some such crap. I can't. This is who I am. 

From here on out, I will strive to let go of thinking of creating a permanent life style change....especially around food.....and I may just try to take it like many folks to in recovery.

One fucking day at a time.

My brain will always have done the critical work of survival...I can't change that.  So maybe instead, I can take care of that pile of jello in my skull and stop asking it to do things it can't.

Like maybe be thankful for the trauma survival response and take the pressure off the jello(and myself) of trying to make it fit into a way of being that doesn't work...for me.

And I'll keep fighting to do the things I like to do....

 

What? Wha?

 I almost forgot...I have a blog.

HA.

Oh well, Looks like I have let this; like so many other things right now, fall away, fall apart, fall into disarray.

I guess that is all I really have to say.  I feel like so much is or has fallen away, fallen apart.  Some of it is ok....But my brain is mush.

I am constantly beating myself up for my weight gain and going to the gym feels.....pointless.

Utterly pointless.

I remember the days of setting goals for a season or an off season...I cannot imaging doing that right now.  Between the time I intentionally stepped away to focus on the show Rod and I built and the Achilles tear and the pandemic...

Yea...and any thoughts of pushing forward with the momentum on the show is gone... even getting head shots done....I have been talking about that since April? 

And now add the shame I feel about how I look...I just can't.

And yes...I am fully aware.....I am fucking lucky.

Which then wraps around and I feel even worse that I am a useless blob.....because I have no "excuses."

Happy Tuesday....ha.  Anyway, I started this blog to honestly share my experience as a midlife crisis athlete...and I suppose I am not being honest even with myself ( or my 5 readers) about how utterly shitty I feel right now.

And how utterly pointless and ridiculous I feel trying to "be an athlete" or an artist feel right now.

I did go to the gym today and felt....like a dummy.

Ha.  No really...it's all sorta funny.

Traveling

Grant and I travel a fair bit once the Highland games season starts, this year is obviously a little different.

No biggy, but we were sorta itching to get away.  So, I did some searches and we had looked at Colorado or Flagstaff AZ, but we finally decided to keep our limited traveling funds in New Mexico.

I drive to Santa Fe nearly every day so ...that's no fun...too hot for the southern part of the state.....and I am not a camping person...OH  Taos.

I've only been there like 2 or three times....Look up a fun place to stay right downtown....super touristy I know...but we were only going for one full day.

Now, New Mexico has some pretty strong and clear guidelines in place, but there are some places that have even stricter guidelines.  I had heard that Taos had a curfew...etc.  So, since I am an adult, I call the hotel and ask. 

You know, because I AM THE ONE TRAVELING.

Turns out, they still do have a curfew, but it's like from 12AM-6AM.  He also outlined other things that I already knew because I live here, but that's ok....I am pretty sure he is reading from a script so to speak.  Masks, 6 feet, restaurants at 50%, blah blah blah...

So we get there.

Seriously, no big deal.  The hotel has all the plastic shield things up.  Every single restaurant has the Northern New Mexico Restaurant Guidelines posted either at the host stand or in a window.  Lots of places actually have boxes of masks.   Many stored have HUGE signs in the windows letting you know how many people can be in the store at any given time.

There is a little confusion, in my mind, about the mask wearing "in public"  As I understand it, if you are walking or exercising you don't have to wear one.  I always have one and put it on if I get close to people...simple courtesy in my mind, but I am fully aware there are people; lots of people, who have other ideas.

OK....so....here is my point...(long time to get there I know) The hotel parking lot was filled with plates from Texas and Oklahoma and Arkansas...I can't say that the people I will describe next were from that state...but you get my point, right?

PEOPLE WERE ASSHOLES....The tourists were assholes, the people eeking out a living were fantastic....the tourists were huffy, frustrated, muttering under their breath about having to wait, bloated pieces of shit.

For god sake....restaurants have only been open for dine in service for two weeks here....I could tell some of the servers were not only brand new, but trying really hard to "get it right."

Since there is absolutely no national leadership on this issue and frankly lots of states that have different mandates county to county; city to city, it is up to YOU dear traveling American to take 5 minutes to either call a hotel or for fucks sake GOOGLE the mandates in the city you are traveling to.

I did it and I am only 2 hours away.

It is a PRIVILEGE that you can travel...that you have the money; the time, to travel.  Be nice to the people who are showing you a good time in THEIR city....I mean shit...YOU are the one coming from a hot spot and bringing your shit attitude and possibly a virus to where they live and work and see their grand parents.

Ok, that being said....getting away was great, different, but great.  And Taos is lovely....and I am so grateful we spent the weekend there.  We actually met some fun people who we ate "close to" two days in a row.  Had a grand time chatting and I saw some old friends from my CrossFit days..Mark and Kim!

Grant has been asked to judge one of the few games that has not been cancelled this year.  I think it's crazy.  But if we do go....guess what, I will be calling ahead or Googling to see what the mandates or requirements are....

It is very unlikely I will go to throw, as tempting as it is.  It's a two fold thing for me, my Achilles and knowing what 125 athletes on a field looks like.  I miss it...but as we say in New Mexico...Yeah~No.

Who knows though, unlike those who have knuckles that scrape the ground, I am willing to take in new information and change my mind and/or behavior because of it.

did a thing

So, I know I  wrote last time  about my lack of productive time...

I did get something done...Something I should have done six years ago when I first joined SAG. I know....I didn't and what wasn't done, wasn't done...

But my friend Jen said...it's done now.

I had an acting reel made. I also signed up for the "professional" IMBD page.

All of it a while in coming.

I had a revelation about it, as I was trying to decide to do it...I kept hearing a voice saying, "there is no point, you'll never get cast. You aren't movie quality and you don't focus enough on it.  If you post about athletics, you'll never be taken seriously.  You aren't a true actor."

Oh Holy Hell....

That wasn't my voice.

That was an old voice, old things that are not mine, and truly were never really mine. But even after a severed connections....there it was...loud as fuck.

So I contacted Kayla Brooke not 5 minutes later and she said I had enough to make a reel....and it's done.

I am sad there are older things in my history I can't use because I waited..but, not only do I have the reel, I also know very clearly why I waited and I let that shit go.

So, I realize that this is a small thing in the context of the world right now....but if you have a moment, go check out my IMBD page...and watch the reel if you are so inclined.

IMBD and reel

Wow....

It has been more than 2 months since I posted.

I just don't have much to say....I am not super productive during these last 2 months...I have no new skills, except for tying to learn a little Polish on Duo Lingo...but since I can't seem to wrap my head around the alphabet or the sounds, I can't really claim a new skill.

Is my house clean....NO!

Are my closets organized......NO!

Have I taken up yoga.........NO!

Do I have a self care routine.......NO!



But I am working and I know I am lucky for that...It took a while, but I was able to work from home 3 days a week for a while....most of the time productively.  In fact, I start working earlier when I work from home....but am I always productive?


NO!

Frankly, there are days I am rolled in a ball and I can't even tell you what I have watched on TV. Can I tell you why?

NO!!

I have read some things about this strong shift and PTSD, but I won't get into that right now.

Rod and I should be prepping for the United Solo show that Motherhood, Barbells, & T-shots, but we can't.  For a multitude of reasons.

October seemed like a long way off...but not so much.

I could blather on about the changes I feel....and all the crap I see from people that saddens and shocks me, but I'm gonna post this instead.

Theater

He clarifies these times for me as an artist in ways I can't.

No longer an artist, no longer an athlete...the world in limbo.

Just waiting to share space and breathe deeply to share who I am again.

MRI update and Costco adventures

Well, I have no real update, except that I have indeed had my MRI.  Went to the upright place in Albuquerque. Shockingly, they are not in network for my silly insurance....but whatever....why having claustrophobia means I need to pay a higher price for health care....oh god, let’s not open that can of worms.

I can’t get back into have a doctor look at the dang thing til late next week, so....let’s even see if that happens.

As for all of this other stuff...um.  Yikes.

Not sure about y’all, but this is seriously tapping into my stress levels.  I know.....it is for everyone.  Last weekend I ended up at the store every day...no. I am not hoarding anything.  In fact, if it wasn’t for a joke between my boss and I, we would be out of TP.  All of us talked about it and we are just trying to shop normally.  Which means we will and have not been able to get certain things.  Maybe it’s a mistake....who knows.  But I won’t be that person who snatches eggs away from another. Being typical Americans, we have too much food in the house already.  I mean we could probably go a pretty long time if we needed to. The food combinations might be weird at that point and not go together but there it is.

It feels odd to be some where with a small cart when everyone else seems to be pushing a barge, but that adds to the crap, doesn’t it? Adds to the stress....looking at these other people and thinking, maybe I should get extra...blah blah blah.  But I fight it and move on.

Any who.....I see the same things you all see.  The panic, the fear, the funny memes, the conspiracy theories....oh god, please stop with the conspiracies.

Maybe it’s my inherent Polly Anna attitude, maybe it is my belief that people are basically good.  I see that too....the good stuff people are doing so I shall focus on that.  I know that this attitude has sometimes meant that I get taken advantage of, that I get used...oh well...it still is my overriding way of being.

Which brings me to Costco.

Yes Costco....last night.....

We went.  See we needed eggs,(they were out), butter, berries, and we grabbed a few things for other folks who couldn’t find what they needed.

Ok so Costco....is it like mad max or what?  No.  Well. Maybe it is in the morning when they have to ration TP, but we went near closing....  I grabbed a cart in the lot and used some sanitizer to clean the thing...as I walked in there was a guy with paper towels and some sanitizer spray and he asked if I’d like my cart cleaned....aw,  thanks!

Then, as we come to they door they have a white board with all the things they were out of listed....although they were out of onions and it was not listed...onions?  Yea...ok.  Then as you walk in they have a huge sign that says “ social distance.”  As we wind our way through empty shelves and oddly placed items I notice something.

People.

People taking great care.  Great care of one another.

How?

In isles, people making eye contact and giving permission to pass as they held back.  People waiting to approach an item if someone was standing near it. This fearful panic, this mindless grabbing, had given way to a careful approach.

We asked the folks checking us out if they were ok, they asked the same.  They too, even though they worked at Costco, had chosen not to hoard....they felt the panic around them every single day and still made that choice.

I left that place feeling a little less stressed then when I had walked in.

Yes I just wrote that...going to Costco made me feel less stressed.  I realize that perhaps, like everyone else, I may be simply seeing what I want to see, but I don’t think so....

I just believe people want to get through this....whatever THIS turns out to be, and isn’t better to get though this with a little gentle humanity in tact?

MRI shenannagins

So, I went for my MRI last Monday.

I know I can be super nervous doing "medical" things, so I prepped.  I meditated and looked forward to getting and answer. Frankly after the work with Charlsey and Grace, I was looking forward to hearing how good it's looking.

So...I go change, as I am waiting there is a lovely older lady in the waiting room. She, too, is getting her left ankle scanned.

I go in....both the tech and the assistant get excited over my choice of music....all signs are looking good.

I lay down....the assistant then straps my leg down....Ugh I hate that feeling.  I ask, "it's just my ankle, so how far do I go into this tube?'

Oh not far, but we can show you....


So she hands me the head phones and I think, ok...a 20 minute meditation....I ask..."so, will he talk to me, tell me where he is in the process?"

She looks at me funny...No, that takes too much time, he has to move this along...


Um...Ok...Well, I can ask him if you really want him to..

"um, no that's ok..."

So she is standing next to me and she starts to slide me in to show me how far I will go into the tube....

As the top of the tube gets closer...as it is over my chest....

I freak out...

It is seriously an uncontrolled response...I think I yelled something like you have to stop this thing, you have to stop now....

They stop and the tech comes over and tries to calm me down as the assistant unstraps my stupid leg. He is as gentle as he can be....says that many people never even know they are claustrophobic until they have an MRI.  I say, "I'm fine now, let's try it again."

He says, nope, I could see your legs start to shake before you were all the way in, I will never get a clear image....

UGH.

The word Ninny comes to mind....I fell like a little kid again, about to be screamed at and spanked for being afraid of the dark....The tech doesn't of course....he just says lots of people need sedation....and even for some mild sedation doesn't work.

REALLY?

Kill me now. 

I DON'T WANT SEDATION.


I just want for a moment to be a normal fucking person who isn't panicky. 


This right here is why I laugh when people have tried to label me a bad ass or strong or whatever....

A big fat ninny is what I really am...

Or....I am just a person, for whom panic and anxiety can get triggered....

SIGH.

So now I am waiting to see if they can transfer the order to ABQ so I can have an open MRI..'cause I am betting a little mild sedation is NOT going to work.

And frankly..I almost don't care to know how bad the Achilles is anymore...I mean I do....but I don't.


I will see what happens this weekend in Phoenix....I suspect I will know pretty quickly if this thing is healing or if I have to get knocked out for this damn MRI.   I can't imagine going back to get the one on my neck now....

I really did feel ready, I really did try to stay excited and positive...I looked forward to the long meditation....Hell, it would not have been nearly as long as the awake part of the dang heart surgery I had.

Whoa

Well, here we are at the end of February....I guess I haven't written since December....

Again I start the year with weirdo health issues, most of which I have already cleared up and been told "false alarm." So that's good....

Except my Achilles and my knees....

But Grace and Charlsey are working on them and I have an MRI on my Achilles scheduled for next Monday...yippie.


It's thick.

And not in a good way like thick thigh way....thick and in danger of tearing....

The Ortho that saw me said, Well, this is not good for what you do...you'll probably need a year off.

I HAVE already been throwing on it...but....Charlsey doesn't think so...and....seriously...the PT and massage...it has been shrinking back.

Side giggle....I asked him if I can still lift...he did say, as long as it doesn't make it worse....he then proceeded to show me how to squat.

Oh LORDY.

He actually said...never squat deep and there is NEVER a need to even come to 90...he then showed me what I would guess was not even a 1/4 squat...more like a 1/5? 1/8???

Oh trust me...you will still be working those legs.

Ok dude...thanks.

But I will say about him....he said NOTHING about my weight!

What.

An Ortho not telling someone of my size I needed to lose weight?!?!?!

Shocking.

Really .


Anyhoo....there are no updates on the show....we did the piece in ABQ as part of a festival, but as of yet we have not heard back from other places we have contacted.  We do, need to start working on this more.  It is really difficult for me.  I have so much support and help, but I really don't understand the next step.  I suppose the first thing is to imagine what Rod and I want...

As for the show in ABQ.

Rod and I have decided it was a huge gift....filled with amazing and important lessons.

Lessons that I think have both stalled us and empowered us....

Thanks for reading....I'll try to let y'all know how the MRI goes....and Phoenix is around the corner.....I used to always post goals....but well, there is a whole other blog in that issue!