Monday, March 31, 2014

Accidental Crossfit

As I think I mentioned, the next two weeks are gonna be one rep max days at Zia.  So I go in today...thinking maybe I'll lift and then bail, cause I am angry and frustrated and well, a little more than god damn lazy.

I wander over the the warm up..well, it sorta looks fun, one of those "stations" sorts of things.  Ok FINE...

Then we do a little hip mobility.  I ask Leo if he wants to lift with me...I really don't like lifting alone.

275  ( this feels pretty good!)
305...wheeeeeee...I get it.  and you know it did not feel like my spine was ripping away from my back.

I load to 325...but I bail at the bottom.  I think I gave up on myself.  I wish I could yell in my head the things I say to others as I lift.

Is 305 a 330 is...but you know, it's only 25 off...but I have to admit I am disappointed.  Crazy right?  I still am holding on to that 300+ mark....but it is that feeling of standing still. or holding on to "what I used to do" instead of making progress.  The goal for these 2 weeks is to simply understand where I am now...that's it.

Maybe I let this be a PR for 2014 and see if I can gain anything this year.

I also have a bunch more lifts to go through, many which will be much much more sucktacular than my back squat....I think I will ask for more help as I lift the next two weeks as well....I need more of a push.

so...did I leave?


I accidentally gathered the stuff I needed for the workout. 

Overhead walking lunges 25 pounds
10 Slam Balls
15 Sit ups.
8 Minutes

I grab the 12 pound ball and Patsy teases me to use the 40 pounder.  I have never used the 40 pounder I try sucks so~I use it.  To say I was slow is an understatement...but I did slam balls with a 40 pound ball.

That is how you accidentally do come into class and someone like Patsy and Beth and Erin ask if you are gonna do you do.

I was in a set of sit ups, know 'cause I freaking SUCK; when Will wanders over and gives me a warning about my behavior, as he cracks a smile.

Told ya they are gonna kick me out someday...


Friday, March 28, 2014

songs and dead lifts

Lazy ass workout yesterday....

5x3 Bench at 85
5x3 deads at 185


I seem to have lost my mojo somewhere.  I realized yesterday too, that I don't have another game for 8 weeks.  That's quite some time. Really what I need to focus on is my fuel.  I was really dialed in for about 3 weeks before I got sick...then, not quite before the games and then well...until yesterday...oh boy.  I know that's where all of it begins. 

So as of yesterday...I am eating food food...I am not working out nearly enough...I spoke with Megan  and she reminded me that there is an ebb and flow to everything...including working out.  That the kidney stuff was nothing to scoff at and that perhaps my lack of motivation is partially my body's way of telling me to slow down so it can focus on healing.

I did put my weights in my trunk...gonna throw today.  It has been crazy windy the last two day so...ugh.

A while back I posted something about song know that whole. "I love you so much I would die for you" thing. 

Love Songs

More recently I have been aware of the "post break up song" (I wonder why) getting back to who I used to be seems to be a common theme. Here is a selection of lyrics from A Fine Frenzy...( I like this one)...

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

"to get back to who I used to be."


I do not want that at core is there, the core of who I am, but I cannot go back to my 20 year old or 30 year old self. Nor do I even want to.

I wanna be more.

More than I ever imagined I could be when I was young and setting up a dysfunctional relationship. I screwed so much stuff up...I still do and will, but to get back to that person I was in some amorphous "before" time? um, no thanks.

I like the strong independent me.

I just want to be more of me...and hopefully on occasion, the best me that I can.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

weapons~tools~weapons~tools Dad died when I was 11...almost 12, he was sick for what I think of as most of my childhood.  I think he was diagnosed when I was 5 or 6?  Not sure, you know memory can be a fuzzy sort of thing.  He was also a cop.  I always remember having guns in the house. This was the 1970's so they were never secured. There were some guns in the bottom dresser drawer (cedar lined to make the guns safe from moths?) and some were up in the attic...just inside that little panel you push up on.  Not sure which where where or even why...not sure why they were "hidden" when we all knew where they were. was the 70's so the ammo was right there with the guns and I bet some of them were even loaded.

My favorite was this little one, well compared to the police revolver, that had a mother of pearl handle.  When no one was home; which was a lot since my dad was in and out of the hospital, I would play with it.  I just like how it felt in my small hands.  As my Dad got sicker and sicker I used to fantasize that he would give it to me.  I am guessing it was actually my mother's gun...but you know I was 9 or 10 so who knows.

I do remember him showing me how to shoot...and later my brother Marc would take me out with a bb gun.  Lots of rabbits and birds died.  Sorry.

I wasn't afraid or nervous around guns...I wasn't cavalier either once my Dad placed the gun in my hand.  I think he told me the old standard, do not point it unless you are ready to kill.  Even at that young age I got it.

I do remember when I developed a distaste for weapons.  It was my Dad's wake, not very long after feeling comfortable with a weapon. That is a whole other story...but the switch happened because we had a house full of drunk cops and one of my brothers took a gun and went after my other brother.  All the cops, at least in my memory of things, were too drunk and oblivious to do anything about the impending violence.  No one was shot that night, but it left it's mark on me. A few months later the weapons had been "stolen" from the house by one or more of my siblings and I had heard later that they had eventually been seized by police for...well, one drunken drug fueled rampage or another...even the police revolver and the little pearl handled pistol....things were never very clear back then.

The ex and I never had guns in the house until recently. He inherited his Dad's hand guns and rifles.  He would take the kids shooting, but I some how never went or it happened when I was busy or I, perhaps, chose not to go.  I do know that I never even was told where the weapons were in the house.  I knew the rifles were in the garage somewhere, but really that's all I knew.  I am not blaming him for choice that I never pushed or asked or insisted or whatever. Because of my choices and my history, these guns sorta became mythic in my head, way out of proportion.  Once I asked to separate, they held more power, once that dark night happened...well....yeah.

All of the weapons were confiscated that night by the police.  So, for almost 6 months, I have given them very little thought....until now.  The weapons will be released after the final court date in April. Now let me make this perfectly~crystal clear he has never ever threatened me with a gun.  Lemme say that again...he never...ever threatened me with a gun.  Even that night, the target was himself, not me.  Ok.  Even so, fear is fear and does not always match with what happened in the past.  There have been strange things that have passed between us since...and I think because the weapons hold this mythic standing in my psyche I am~anxious.

Now some of you are on the left some of you on the right...I have even had someone say to me, get a concealed carry permit, keep it in your purse. Another person, protect yourself, but not with a gun.  The problem I have with getting a gun is with me, not the gun.  It would not do me any good to have a weapon I am afraid of or afraid to use. I know that many many people are shot with their own guns.  It isn't about HAVING a weapon...I realized this weekend, it is about getting over my fear of them, stretching way back to my Dad's wake and the powerlessness I felt as I felt sure one brother was about to kill another. I saw the chaos of my childhood flooding back, the mistrust of my family~of me to be responsible enough to own a gun. I think I had always feared these weapons because there was no trust that in a moment of pain or panic or desperation this would be a choice that would end in my death or the death of someone I love.

But it is about seeing a gun for what it is.

A tool.

A destructive tool yes, but only in the wrong hands; shit I could get hit over the head and be killed with all sorts of stuff. Like a caber...but I digress.

So, this weekend, I realized that Grant's travel tool was in the same kind of case as the one that I wrestled away from the ex that night.  I asked if I could work on this anxiety of mine.  He placed it on a table and let me open the case, let me hold it, let me turn the clip over and over in my hands.  That is when I remembered the tool thing.  It was heavy, but I no longer felt like that 9 year old sneaking into my parents bedroom to play with the guns. I realized there is something calming in Grant's handling of this weapon that calmed me.  I did not think for a minute it would be used in a heated moment.  I know I am about to get shit from someone when I say this, but I finally understood that the chaos did not come from the gun itself.  Perhaps that belief had been held so long because it was created when I was only 11.

Am I gonna go out and get a gun this afternoon? Um no. I have asked Grant to reteach me how to shoot.  Probably the best way to reconnect myself with my Dad and with an adult view of this tool.

Besides, I doubt I can find a mother of pearl handled little pistol.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

A couple more lessons....

Ok first things first.

I am so very grateful to have been invited to the Women's World Championship games.

I know I was more than just a little bit out of my league, but one of the first lessons from this weekend?  At the top of my game....I'd be right in there in the middle of the mix.

Was I?  Well, no.

Second lesson?

I did throw my best...the best that I could on that hot Sunday...especially in the moments I let go of being intimidated by all of these women. As the day started, I was well aware that my stones have, well, sucked since May of last year. Been working all sorts of drills to try to improve things. As I watched the women throw I realized each have their own particular strengths; Josee, Mindy, Emily, Katie the technicians. Beth, Stef, Ivory the power houses....JD, Heather,  Danielle dancing between the comes to mind...but I'll get better this year.  Actually, my open stone was over 31'.... 

Third lesson?

If people believe in me, it's time I believe in myself.

I KNEW going in that I was holding up the bottom...I was fine with that...I just wanted to do it~well.  I was hoping to have at least one event the I didn't come in last.  Guess what I only came in last in 3 events.  One of them was STUPID! I froze when it came time for heavy weight for distance.  I LIKE that event now, I throw mid 30's without much effort any more. I freaked out and did a single spin...messed with the timing...did not trust myself, my work...blew that one. But I jumped back in for lightweight after Mikeala got on me about trusting what I can do. Heavy hammer was difficult too...cracked 80 on the light. I found myself getting a little frustrated, then being able to let go and go back to it.  WOB was most frustrating, first time I have not cleared 15' in probably 2 years....but you know what? It happens.  I just moved on to the caber...

You know what I discovered all around me on Sunday? Throwers from New Mexico, Arizona, California, and even some of the beautiful women I was competing against treating my last place like a first.  

Seriously. Somehow I managed not to cry.

Even people I have only given high fives or hugs too...some I barely know...were proud of me. I made the choice to throw with them....I had signed up for Masters, but jumped at the invite when it came, knowing the chance to throw WITH these women would probably never come again. I mean, I am 46 after all.

 It was something to discover after years of the joke, "good job, first loser," when I would come in second. (Always with the added, "it's just a joke. Don't be so sensitive.") I realized how much that has played a part in my fantastic ability to dismiss myself.  :) maybe I am too sensitive!

Fourth lesson?

I guess I don't look my age.....I actually had to pull out my id...ok. I didn't have to, but our judge basically called me a liar and well the caber had nearly killed me, so I went and got my id to prove my age. I know, silly. But I have been know to do silly things after throwing all day in the sun.

I think I fell in love this weekend too...with Danielle...the strongest woman I have ever met, and with JD and even though I have met her before, with Ivory....I mean they are all just added to my giant love affair with Beth and Heather...looking forward to throwing again with Josee(welcome to Masters,)...and hoping to watch Mindy, Emily, Stef, and Katie throw again.

I rode a fine line this competition of knowing I couldn't win and not being focused enough...if I could...that would be the one thing I would change about this weekend.

Fifth lesson?

Drills do not equal throwing.

Holy moly, this came home to roost....foot drills are fine, line drills are great, but they are only good in addition to throwing. I have been working these hard in the gym in part because I no longer have a park across from my house.  And well, I guess I thought I could get away with it.  Last year I was out in the dirt 3-4 days a week.  Hitting clean feet on a gym floor or on wood did not translate onto dirt and grass...I am sure it helps if I was throwing as well...but I haven't been.  I don't even have my stones right now.  This will  I am adding Wednesday at the very least. 

I have another game in two weeks that I was really excited about, but, um, I got cast in a tv show that happens to film...well right at the same time!  


But well, you know.....

I lifted a little today...push press and back squats...light, but AWFUL.

Kinda like my favorite quote from the weekend.

"I may be old, but I'm slow."

Sheeeeez. That's me.  Not sure how to tweek my training....aside from adding real next game won't be until May in abq.  Until then, I will probably be posting "script reps" a lot.

Finally...thanks to everyone who helped put these games on...Ryan Seckman and all the judges, all the many throwers! All the volunteers, pulling tape, shagging weights, grabbing water, entering scores, set up, tear down, and all the other things I am forgetting and unaware of that it takes to get a game up and running. 

Thanks for all that you do that allows this old broken down lady to throw and discover myself.  

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

"For a..."

Went to practice on Sunday.  It was everything except cabers.   I tried to throw kinda like a game...three throws that's it.  Stones...ugh....wfd.....all the drills and I am working the drills...I get on grass and my ass slides everywhere.  I did promise bitching.  So...I moved to hammers....had a 10 foot throw that could have hurt someone if I had let go sooner.  But it was sorta funny.

Numbers? Eh. Hammers were at least average.....moved on to sheaf and WOB.  I noticed something....crappy throws or not...I was relaxed again.....I was laughing again....I wasn't nervous or looking over my shoulder or judging every single movement I made....I threw and I enjoyed it. 


That's something isn't it?

Missed Monday...had some PT....neck. AGAIN.   Well, Paul started on my neck but quickly determined it was my hip flexors.   Odd how cranking my hip around released my neck. I really really need to stick to the stretches he gave me....duh.

So today I did some stone drills, some wfd line drills, I jumped some rope, I chatted with Marz, then did some back squats.


45.  Oh shush, it's a warm up.
95.   Focusing on form...whatever...
245.  Oh hello.
275.  Will said these looked good....I'll take it from him!

Something has been brought to my attention recently. me.  After I went back to the gym last week, after having been sick, after missing a game I really wanted to go to, after antibiotics, after feeling shitty and weak, after last week's deads at 305, after today's lift at 275...

I heard myself use the qualifier, "it's ok for a...."

I guess I'm strong....for a mid-life crisis athlete.
I guess that was ok....for an old lady.
I guess I throw ok....for a woman who has no athletic background.
I guess I'm ok....for someone who just started.
I guess that's ok......for just having been sick.
I guess that's ok.....for all the changes I'm going through.

Huh....I am using all sorts of qualifiers on myself.  Yet again, I need to ask myself....would I ever ever ever say something like this to anyone in the gym? On the field? In a theater? 

Not that I have to be an asshole, but why can't i do 3 sets of deadlifts and say to myself...hey, you just lifted 305, 3 times....that's good.  I wonder if I am "qualifying" my work so that I can stop where I am? If I could say to myself, "275 was good on those back squats....let's do more next time."  Or am I simply in the habit of making myself small?

Or both....

Maybe I am strong.
Maybe I can throw pretty well.
Maybe I am an actor.
Maybe I am doing my best as a Mom right now.
Maybe I am enough.

And maybe I can strive for more...if I stop the "for a..." bullshit.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

updates and Deadlifts.

......let's see,  Got an all super duper clear from the new doc.

She seems good...she knew my old doc...she was also very open to listening to what I do and how I train....

She's not Musgrave, but I'll give her a shot.

Yes,  I went to the gym yesterday...and today at noon.  Today was drills and well laziness.  Did talk to BJ about my conversation with Will about testing one rep maxes again.  I am working off of numbers that probably have nothing to do with reality anymore.  And no...sadly I am NOT stronger...I know I have lost strength.

This drill I am doing with the "contrarians" is challenging, but I am looking forward to seeing how it translates into throws.  I'll throw this Sunday in ABQ.... I swear to getting upset anymore.  No bemoaning how I threw last year....

I was reminded AGAIN last night that it is something to be proud of that I have not given up through all of the challenges.  Not sure I fully buy into that, old voices die hard after all, but I am working on hearing the new voices. Hell, that sounds shitty doesn't it...I am not looking for a "Participation ribbon," just trying...I don't even know...trying.

Oh yesterday...

3x2 Push press  @95
3x1 deadlift      @305

The deads didn't feel too bad....I was surprised after being so sick.

My neck is giving me trouble again...shocking.

Rehearsals are kicking up damn I love Rod....just there is so hard and he is so inspiring.

Oh games in a week an a half too....hahahaha...

This blog is like a dog chasing a squirrel today!   Yikes.

Monday, March 10, 2014


yeah yeah...

back in the gym again today.

I did workout last Thursday, sorta...but I was too tired to do it again Friday....BUT I went Saturday.  Which also happened to be at the same time that many folks were doing the CrossFit open workout 14.2.

Workout 14.2

Every 3 minutes for as long as possible complete:
From 0:00-3:00
   2 rounds of:
   10 overhead squats
   10 chest-to-bar pull-ups
From 3:00-6:00
   2 rounds of:
   12 overhead squats
   12 chest-to-bar pull-ups
From 6:00-9:00
   2 rounds of:
   14 overhead squats
   14 chest-to-bar pull-ups
Etc., following same pattern until you fail to complete both rounds

As a non open sort of person in the gym, I thought this one was years past they seemed to make the workouts more accessible in the first 4 know that whole, "everyone can do this" sort of thing...then workouts 5 & 6 are crazy and make you look at that "elite" label with a squinty eye.  This one really seemed terrible.  Producing tears...torn hands...and frustrated yelling. I don't think most people made it out of the first round.  Even so, what I really saw at Zia during this *cough cough* ridiculous workout was the best of what Crossfit can be....the support.

Makes me miss the crazy stupid tear producing shit....


and as for me?  Well, as I am 2 weeks out from a competition, I am on a light and speedy portion of my lifting, which coming off two weeks of barely moving seems to be just the ticket so to speak. 

3x2 Back squats  @235
3x2 Bench press @ 95

Did some line drills with the weight for distance and hammer winds too.

It is a beautiful day...I may try to throw some implements in the trunk and throw a couple things for real...

Bigger news...I am checking out a new Primary doctor tomorrow~mine moved to Colorado...grrrrrrrr.  I am gonna have them check to make sure this infection is cleared up too...I am stupid paranoid and have not been this interested in body fluids since the kids were infants.

I know...gross.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

back at it

Oh yeah...I went back to the gym today.  Oh yeah...I'm gonna kill it.....oh's a heavy squat, one rep max kinda day...look out!

so no...but you guessed that already.  But I did go back to the gym today at noon.

I did a super lazy 1000 meter row. 

Then a bunch of shoulder mobility.

Used a foam roller.

Stuck a lacrosse ball in my hip, my glute, my back....


Silly, it felt good just to be there...see the noon folks....move even a little bit....get my ass covered in dust...

Tomorrow will be a week since I stopped the meds that could cause a problem...and well, I am frankly still tired.  All those nap reps and fever reps and antibiotic reps.  I know I gotta ease back in, so I did.  Tomorrow I may try some throwing drills.  Saturday, I am having a little work done on my neck...hopefully I can get back to lifting in Monday.  Hell, there is no hopefully about it...I will get back to it, even if it is super light.  Then throwing....yeah...throwing. 


I'm in a challenge group on FaceBook for old footwork drills.  This month's drill is complex and I am still so backwards physically that I have to watch the video WHILE I do the drill just to make sense of it.  SIGH.....I am supposed to video myself doing the drill...hahahha.  I might see if I can get Vivi to help with that one.

I am wondering if I can get an AMRAP of napping done today... hmmmm....

Monday, March 3, 2014

Post Arnold wrap up

Monday night....fever, chill, body aches......mostly my back.....didn't think much of it as Vivi had been a little sick the last couple of days....I wrap up, chug vitamin c, hit the hay.

Tuesday....more chills...violent chills, fever into the 102 range.....lots of water, vitamin c, sleep...

Wednesday.....well,well...fever gets up to 103.1.  I am mostly watching the ceiling move in odd patterns...I also swear at one point there is a butterfly in the room.  Vivi has been taking extraordinary care of me; making me drink water, taking my temp, bringing me ibuprofen, making me vitamin c when I ask for it..she's a smart cookie, she knew before I did that I was past the cozy blanket and warm tea cure for this flu so she called for some help.  

I reluctantly was taken to urgent care.  

They did a test for the flu.  Have you had one of these? I had not....ew. They take a long q-tip looking thing and put it up your nose.  Far.  For 10 seconds....each nostril.   Ew.  

Um no flu....they also took a urine sample....guess what? Bladder/kidney infection.

I think my mouth dropped open.  I was both relieved and then frankly a little scared.  No wonder I could not get the fever to break. Then my mind drifted to what would have happened if Vivi and Grant had not insisted I go to urgent care. I shake that off, it doesn't matter....because here I am....I'll get some drugs, I'll be better.  

The Physician's Assistant puts me on cipro.

That night the fever only gets to 102, funny one degree can matter....I spend most of Thursday in and out of sleep. In and out of fevers. This was the day I was supposed to fly! 

Friday morning I have a follow up with another PA.  I have a bit more of my brain back so I decide to read the incert I got with my drugs...yeah I can focus and read a little.

Warning: may cause tendon damage.


"Risk is higher in people who are physically active or exercise."

What? I remember telling the PA that night about the games, about lifting...

Eh, probably not a big deal....I mean think about the drug commercials and the long list of warnings.

So I go in. I have some other questions then I ask about the tendon thing...tell the PA what I do.  She blanches.


Well, I would never put someone on that drug if they exercise regularly, much less an athlete.

I really think I told her...

I think she just assumed you weren't because....(she trailed off here)

(I finished her thought) of how I look that I don't work out?

Well, I am on a new drug, well a new 7 day course of an "old" drug.  Sulfa...shit this girl is being treated in the 19the century!  I was too tired to get really mad. Hell, doctors are human, they don't listen sometimes....they have their own set of prejudices like the the rest of us. They sent my "sample" for further testing to make sure I don't have a super bug and to see if the sulfa will will.  

As for the Arnold on Sunday, I had a little pang.  But I think I took 3 naps that day! I missed the ladies of the master class and I was really looking forward to playing with so many throwers I have not met yet. For me, absolutely the right choice to not go. I didn't even make it through a full day of work today.
Hats off to all of you who did the freezing snow.  You are a tenacious bunch of ladies that I am honored to spend time and sweat with.

Props to the lovely Juli for wining!

So....I can't work out for another week, as even two days of that first drug can put you at risk for tendon damage. I'm too tired right now anyway! How then to prep for Women's Worlds?  I was thinking of the Arnold as a great know throwing with killer, kick ass women.  These games are HUGE....and I still shake my head at my invite. This really only gives me 2 weeks to train. 

Oh hell.... I am doing footwork drills and by the end of the week I can start throwing again. How about I simply trust the work I've been doing the last few years and simply be where I am.  That's all I can do really.  Illness or not, it was really all I could ever do. There is a feeling of freedom knowing that I am "not in the running" for these games, pressure is off, no expectations, all I need to do is my best.'s really all we can ever do.....

For some reason, I am reminded of my friend Crow and her yelling these words to me, "be grateful you can move Mona, be grateful you can move."

Injured, sick, emotional....grateful for all of it cause I'm moving.  

Thankful too for Chris, Faith, Lois, Karen, Grant and most especially Vivi for getting me through the last week.

Jeeeez. I am one lucky bitch!