Goals

Goals Goals...

I used to post some tentative goals as I was prepping for a game...

So here they are for the Iron Thistle in Oklahoma  (in no particular order)

1. Have a delicious Italian Meal on Friday with the fantastic Dr. Ahtone.
2. Sing too loudly to music while we drive to OK.
3. Take an Epsom salt bath post competition.
4. Have a blast reconnecting with some throwers I haven't seen in years and years!
5. Not have a migraine.
6. Keep the anxiety in a nice pillow fort.
7. Let go and have fun.
8. Keep my shoulder happy.
9. Keep my knee happy.
10. Just throw.

Numbers?  Throws?

Eh.

I'd just like to throw well, you know, in terms of form.  I'm trying to get back to more regular competing this year.

The expectations I throw all over myself may or may not come this year.   Don't get me wrong...I have goals....but I am also trying to see who I am right now.

Ok Ok, I told Chad that even though I am in a new class...I'd like a PR...not just a "I'm 50 now-here are my new class Pr's"  I mean I'm always down for those...but...

That 90 on light hammer still lives in my head.

HA!

Old ladies can dream too....

Not Ready

Going to The Iron Thistle this weekend. 

Last time I was at this game...2012?!

And just like then, I am feeling terribly unpaired.  Not just about my lack of practice and focus...but all of it.  I don't even know what I mean by that, soooooo  that's helpful.

I could ask for help, but I don't even know what to ask for.  Ha!  All I know is I have been having more and more frequent anxiety that is longer and more severe, and I hate it.

Again...I cannot even point to any one thing I am "not dealing  with" .... I see those things, I am not ignoring them. But it isn't letting up and I am getting both annoyed and a little scared.


So, yeah. Not "ready" for this crap either. 

Patience

The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Patience is a virtue too isn't it?


Maybe.

Can one have too much patience?  I know I have said before that I can be flexible until the point comes when I am flexed out.

Then there is the tale of Patient Griselda.

"In an envoy to The Clerk's Tale, Chaucer warns all husbands not to test the patience of their wives in the hope of finding another patient Griselda "for in certein, ye shal faille." Chaucer then warns all wives not to allow humility to nail shut their tongues for fear of finding themselves, like Chichevache, engulfed or swallowed up. Chaucer then advises wives to be like Echo, who never fled and always returned tit for tat."~yeah Cliff Notes (whatever)

Oh my..... I know Echo didn't have a voice of her own either, but....the point of "returning it tit for tat."  Hot damn....I do wonder how and why this developed in me...this ability to wait, to be flexible, to be patient...."good things come to those who wait" bullshit.  It must have worked in someways otherwise I would not go back to it over and over again.

But, I am tired....so tired that I think I have even forgotten what I thought I was supposed to wait for...

Oh...waiting for my voice to show up.

Gotcha.

out of this habit

Sigh,  I want to keep writing, but I am out of the habit.  And, well, I probably don't really have much to say.  Putting it down and getting feedback it good.  I like knowing that there is someone who tosses the same stuff around that I do sometimes.

Ok, I think in my last blog, or maybe the one before I yammered on about my weight...well, I am down a little more.  I feel a little better too,  Funny how there seems to be crossover points for me.  God knows weight is only one measurement.  I frankly much prefer measuring how much I put on the bar...but I also know when I have tipped over a certain point that I don't feel great.  Hence the tracking.  So I'm at 231 this morning... I still think I throw and lift some where closer to 220-225 so, I will keep on it.

What am I doing?

Nothing.

I haven't cut out fat, or fruit, or grains...Just mindful of wheat....and corn.  I discovered corn hates me.  Just like beans....beans loathe me.  Trying to eat a little less when I'm not actually hungry (wow..imagine that) and eat more protein when I am.

I love all the things that kick starting diets or lifestyles if you prefer can do...but I cannot sustain them, other can, but nope.  nopie. nope. nope. nope. not me.  And y'all know I love me a Whole 30 kick in the ass once i a while...but yeah. 

Thai food.
Good Pizza
Sushi
pasta at Matucci's

So there it is.

I'm finally not wearing a knee brace all the time and I am pulling deads from the floor (not bodies you sicko)  I actually got a 300 dead this week and I have been much more consistently heading to the gym.

Keep telling myself I have to throw more, but it hasn't happened yet.  Tax season is a good excuse...been working more. OH....my transmission went on my car at the end of last week.  That was fun. On my morning commute too. Wheeee.

I am not resting enough. I am fighting too many battles right now.  Well, battles is way too strong a word, but I am fighting "too much stuff" sounds even dumber...more dumb?

So many of these things are born out of misplaced loyalty as well, which when I think too much about I makes me super tired. And, well, angry at myself.  I have this thing about loyalty...it kinda gets used as a weapon to keep people doing things from outside pressures, when the person knows full well it is no longer serving them. 

First time I chose this voice over my own (as an adult) was in Grad school.  I knew after my first year that it was a terrible fit.  But, I had made this choice and by god I was gonna follow through...  And boy it was the wrong choice.  Done it in many relationships as well.  One would think when your partner calls you and your children a "burden to his career" that one would leave, but no...I stayed at least 10 more years.  The cost of that loyalty to a vow that neither one of us upheld is incalculable.  Not to mention the financial burden I am still hauling around my neck. Loyalties to theater companies and jobs and even gyms.  Shit, I paid for a gym for almost a YEAR after I knew it wasn't somewhere I wanted to be, because? 

Oh...I allowed all of these things to become a part of my identity. I felt I belonged to something larger than myself; even as I was drained of who I am and the things I need.

So, driving Grant's big old truck up to Santa Fe these last few days, (my 1 hour commute turned into 2) I had a thought in my tiny brain....

It's time you learn to be loyal to you.

Loyalty:

 

      *the quality of being loyal to someone or something.

 * a strong feeling of support or allegiance.

Hmmm...

I wonder.