Thursday, December 15, 2016

Day 4


Day 4

Week 1

Well...I regretted every life choice I have ever made during that workout.

It took me way too long for something that seemed to start out as just a long series of breathing exercises..and ended with BJ watching me row sprints as he ate a chocolate chip cookie.

Not cool BJ...

Not cool.

All I can hope is that in 6 weeks, I look back and know it was all worth it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016


Those of you who know me and the 8 of you who read my rambling know that as I approach 49 that I am trying really really hard not to panic about my health. I still find myself, much to Grant's annoyance, predicting an impending heart attack or a stroke.  I am experiencing a bit of numbness again...some of it down my leg...but when I am careful about mobility and the position of my neck; it goes away. 


A few weeks ago, I was parked on the couch, watching a cooking show or something, when I thought I heard my heart beat in my ear.  It was weird though, uneven ~ fast~ then slow... I felt my wasn't my heart beat at ear was, for lack of a better word, drumming.

Great....I bet it is a tumor, or spinal cord cancer....

I covered my ear and it went away...

Grant decided I was stuffy.  He insisted on a neti pot.  Gross.  No...ew...

 Ok...I tried it...finally....I am stuffed up..I felt like I had salt water in my eye. 

But it helps.  I am also on some allergy pill thing.  It's always gonna be something.

So...I also had to run a mile this weekend for this new program I am doing.   That went way worse than I anticipated.  I was gonna run it on the treadmill...but fucking kill me now.  I know I can't actually run a mile right now. That is part of the reason for me doing this programming for the next 10 weeks or so.  But I thought I'd run SOME of it (well jog).  Emery came with me and I started up the block at a quick walking's the up hill plan was to walk fast up hill, then jog parts down hill.  As life would have it, I got to the top of the hill and my right calf cramped., yeah. Emery caught up to me and we walked together with the complaining about my calf the whole way.

We walked the mile in a little over 15 minutes. 

Blistering pace, I know. 

I was sorta upset...but hell, it's not like I don't know how I got into this shape.  So...I have a goal for the retest at the end of the program, run some of it. 


As for the is fucking took me and hour and a half..I really really wanna try to do this whole damn thing, so I came into Praxis at 7:15.  Tuesdays look to be the toughest days, so I am likely to be up here early. 

Yesterday there were these bike sprint things for 15 minutes and today was a 5000 meter row. I have never ever ever, even when I was "Crossfittin'"  rowed 5000 meters.  I HATE stationary machines...HATE THEM....but I sat my out of condition ass on that freakin' machine for a little over 28 minutes today.  Bargaining with myself the whole time...but I did it....slow as shit...but I did it. 

I may have to write about this program a lot so that I keep doing it, please bear with me.

Gary gave me some shit about it the other day, but as I have told you all and others at the gym; I know what I am getting into...I know I need this....and I know I am gonna suck at everything.  And that is just fine with me....because if I can keep doing this whole thing....I will suck a little less at all of it.  And maybe I can appreciate what my body keeps being capable of...even though I have beat the hell out of it and haven't spent much time appreciating what it can do~what I can do.

I won't be "Leveling Up" but perhaps I will be "not giving up."

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Doesn't really matter, does it?

It does and it doesn't....

Part of that revelation shit I wrote about yesterday was part of a lesson I got from my youngest son the other day...He has really been going through some challenging growth the last year.  He is brave and strong, powerful and more clear about who he is than I have ever been. 

We were chatting about a difficult issue and I asked him if he was going to bring something up with the therapist, he basically said no, that doesn't matter anymore...what matters is now.

yeah...see that is the piece....somewhere along the way I have done all sorts of work about HOW and WHY I got where I am...and I do believe some of that work really does matter...but then, just like in many other things, (acting and sports) you gotta let the work go and just be present. 

With all the shit we go through, the only thing that is the same is that *I* was there. So how do *I* choose to deal with this right now, in this moment....that's what really counts.  There are reasons and things that happen to us that we would never, ever, ever choose, but they happen, they shape who we are....then we sometimes, if we are lucky, get to choose to move on....we may move with a limp or a broken heart, but we move.  And if we are really lucky and present, we realize there are people along the way that keep holding out their hand....offering tissue, a joke, a hug, a crutch...and it is our choice to push them off or take the help...that's my piece...  I am there...what choice do I make?

I have always been stellar at letting other people off the hook so to speak...I forgive, I move on, I see the whys of what someone has done....but I have never given myself the same...that's part of why I am not as clear as Emery is about who I am...

It is all about the same tangle somehow...and I could spend some time trying to untangle this in my tiny brain, but I don't think I will this time.  It just is...and I will take care of myself~and that boy~and leave it there....

I still think this one is funny...

Tuesday, December 6, 2016


I had a moment last Sunday....maybe Monday at this point, I'm not sure....

 Yup....I've been "faking it til I make it" so freaking long there is no longer "I'll make" it as part of the equation.

 But, this cat dressed as a lion is cute.

And Hell I fucking love sponge bob, so there is that...

Ok what am I whining about now you may ask....What I realized is this...I am not taking care of myself....not at all...I workout  (well not recently)....but other than that.  Um.  No.

I'm a big fat liar. 

It was good to know.

It is.....I had this moment of clarity....I am still treating myself like I am not worth very much...Just for me...I still split my body from my self and chop up my body in small pieces to loathe. 


Asshole liar....that's a lie...I am all of me....and this body that I fight against?  It does EXACTLY what I ask it to do...I ask it for hide my fear, my anxiety, did I mention fear and worthlessness.....It also does (I also do) some pretty cool shit. 

So, in the middle of that sleepless night....and now...I am catching myself...thanking myself....and really trying to care for myself.

I know that as I approach my 49th birthday, I am fucking late to this party...but I think, I hope I am actually ready to do this. 

You guys rock for putting up with my crap.....and so does this aching body....

I have no idea what is next...maybe this guy can give me a clue.

Friday, December 2, 2016

What the....

So...I originally was training for the meet in Roswell this weekend...and now I am not going.  Family issues. 

Oh well. 

I also haven't worked out in about 2 weeks.  Well lots of walking...but....the Tuesday after the meet, I was doing dead lifts and I tore the hell out of my hand...the callus on my pinkie finger split wide open...It healed...went back to the gym Monday.....And....I ....Just....couldn't....

Don't know what I'm doing.


Didn't finish the last program strong at all....not sure what the hell I want.  Going to try the next set of is supposed to help me make all the small corrections that are affecting my movement and also help with breathing shit....probably means cardio....  I read the description and I thought, "oh Hell no.." so yea, that means I need to do it.

I am in a weird fucking place right now....I also feel like I can't put it "on paper" yet...too too too much rambling.

I am looking at myself and thinking..what the shit.

Here's a good work story for boss was leaving for a bit and asked me to clean up her email...I was planning on that yeah of course...I'll clean up folders, unsubscribe...blah blah I log in, and there are 5300+ UNREAD emails...that number doesn't even include things that were read and then left.

Holy hell....

So the clean up of folders and unsubscribing didn't even happen.  Took me almost 4 hours just to delete shit.  HA....Some of the unread crap dated back to the summer of 2013! 

Oh...the spam folder?  12,000 emails......

I think it's funny...we all have that stuff we just can't or don't complete....I could get all judgy and be, "it so easy, just delete,"  but for whatever reason it isn't for her...So, I'll get in there and clean it up more often.  No biggy....

No different than me wanting to take off this 20 pounds or lift heavier and knowing what I need to do is really simple..EAT BETTER...but I don't complete it. Only difference is that  can't hire someone to eat that salad instead of that cookie for me.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

post meet updates..

So this weekend I participated in my first powerlifting competition.  I have been looking forward to as well as sorta scared of this for some time. did it go?


well, maybe EH....

Y'all know I came to an "athletic life" kinda late...mid 40's....not as late as some I know, but still sorta late. So...competition...why do I do it?  Well, it IS similar to performing...I've written about that A LOT.  I know why I like Celtic games...Powerlifting, well...not so much. At least after this one.  I get it, it is empowering...I love following the women I follow on Instagram and stuff.

Part of it was the atmosphere. 

And let me say up front...this is MY ISSUE....I am not judging or telling anyone else how to be in the world of competition.  Ok?  Ok...

I love putting the work in, I love intensity...I do.  But I just could not wrap my middle aged brain around the negativity....I asked my friend Chris, "WHy isn't anyone happy when they are coming off the platform?"  Someone behind me answered..."they are probably about to pass out."  Ok fair enough....

I get it...I can be annoying as fuck....I laugh too much, I make fun of myself, and I suppose there are people who think I don't care or who I annoy because I am loud and goofy and, well, stupidly annoying.

I figured something out yesterday...I know I am all those things.  I do try to take it more seriously, I mean I do...but I still have this joy about it that oozes out in annoying ways to real athletes.  I realized what it was though, when I woke up on Monday and my hand was arm was numb all the way up my forearm.

It is the fear.

I always joke in the face of fear, coping mechanism...when I started working out in 2010 (I think) I was also told by a doctor that my neck was in such bad shape, that:

1. I should stop working out.
2. That I needed to get used to being on a bunch of anti inflammatory drugs.
3. that I had 10-15 years before I'd be in a wheelchair.

I know now she was full of shit...and that I don't really believe that diagnosis...I got tons of help in other places and I know know know it's bullshit. Even my current doc says so....

BUT. was rings in my brain. Especially when I am hurting....Especially when I have numbness...and here I am...almost 7 years later...and I get this count down clock going my my brain some days.

I think that is why I am annoying as well...perhaps it is the piece of me that is silently saying to that Dr..."Fuck you I move fine." or perhaps it is me celebrating moving at all. I still fear that my time is short and I'll be damned if I wanna spend it in rooms or on fields with people who find me annoying because they have decided I'm not serious enough for the sport.  I appreciate their focus and intensity....but I get it....perhaps I get in the way of their focus.

So..I dunno, I am rambling....

here is a cat:

Wednesday, November 2, 2016


 I have started following a couple of athletes on Instagram....and this week...2 of these women were shamed by trolls...well, attempted shaming...


Kortney Olson

What the shit.

Watching Samantha's video response though...I realized something.  I have said those things to myself.  Well not the steroid thing...although, I did have someone accuse me of that a few years ago.  That was a ridiculously painful period. I have thought to myself and I think said it BJ...I'm only strong because I am fat.

Oh boy oh boy....

Still self trolling...amazing since I was furious for Samantha....

We all get to be who we are....train as we, Zumba, marathons, weights, Crossfit.

As Crow used to tell me when I first started this journey.

Movement is beautiful.

Stop tearing each other down...stop tearing ourselves down...there are plenty of people out there ready to do that shit.

Monday, October 24, 2016



I am in week 5 of the power lifting program.  It is very very different than the Squat program I was on...of course..since that was just squats..duh...  :)

Monday- Dead
Tuesday- Bench
Wed  Rest (I use it to mobilize my fat ass)
Thurs  SQUAT
Friday- Accessory work  ( curls in the mirror and stuff like that)

It's good...but I am struggling to get all the reps and all the weight done.  I don't know that I'll get the results that are possible, since I am not so great all getting it all done. Time is a HUGE issue  and my mental state too.  That and um...Pause squats and Deficit deads.

Who came up with that crap??

Last week I missed Friday...ugh...but I threw on Sunday, so there is a trade off.

My shoulder is NOT happy after sheaf yesterday. 

Not sure what I am gonna do about this at this point. Funny, how ignoring shit doesn't actually make it go away.

Today was Deads again...

Damn deficit deads....But Gary helped with positioning. See, I have really long legs and I swear my ass is on the blocks for the deads.  Not comfy at all.  Gary gave me a few pointers.

Note to self:


Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Ooo it posts a blog...


It's been a while.  I was gonna post all sorts of stuff about the programing and I just haven't done it.

I am tired. Stressed. blah blah.

So I am trying a mini post to get me going.

As usual, I did something stupid...I am supposed to be training for the meet in December in Roswell...So Rocky asks me to do a USPA meet in November.  I say yes...well...I don't really know why. Rocky really need one more female lifter so he could submit a that's why.  But really?  It is two weeks before the NASA meet.

See Dumb.

That is really the crux of what I have been feeling lately. And about more things than I feel able to share in this blog.  The past is rapidly informing my abilities in all sorts of areas of my life and all I can see are choices that I made that I thought at the time were the best choices....but hindsight being what it is...

I am an idiot or perhaps at best a fool. I am constantly reminded...can't do shit about that now.

Makes me second guess everything I am doing right now.

The place it is hitting me that is new is under the bar.   Since I found working out, it has always sorta helped me sort through things...just go lift.  The bar doesn't lie. The bar doesn't judge me. the bar doesn't fuck me over.

Well the last few weeks, I get under the bar or I get ready to dead and all I hear is, "you'll fuck this up too you know."  yup  now lifting feels like failure too. Especially deficit dead lifts.

Cheerful, aren't I?

I had 3 people last week snap at me too....basically...told me to shut up.  Well, shut up from a place of love.

Each time It felt like a slap in the face, but they were each right.

Stop calling yourself stupid, I don't wanna hear that.  (but I feel stupid)
Stop saying you are fat, I won't alow that.  (but I do have way too much and I feel shitty about myself)
Stop pouring all of you energy into something that only blocks you at every turn and wears you out.  (but I don't know how else to be...I did it for so long I guess it's all I know and aren't I supposed to be doing that?)

Crappy couple of weeks.

Trying to focus on the good sunsets...and friends that say what you need to hear, even when it hurts.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Day 2....and 4

Ok...did the other 2 of the 3 lifts to get the starting place. 

125 on the bench...WAY more than I expected.  Put 135 on the bar, I could have pushed it, but I chose to baby my shoulder instead.

Last night, Grant and I went to Westside...back squat.  Man oh man this one made me feel sad sad sad.305  and it felt heavy.  But, I had to put myself in check after a bit.  Yes it is 70 pounds less than in May, but...I didn't use a strap or a safety bar...I could get my shoulder in place.

That's progress!

I am a little sore, but I can move the arm today. 

again...progress. The total on the lifts this week? 

Dead 345
Bench 125
Squat  305

Well that's 775...I guess I can up my goal for December since I wanted 750 for the meet. I'll shoot for 800.  Or 805...

I videoed too...I am not getting as deep as I think.  Yea! video!  Good stuff to work on.
But it triggers my self loathing.  It just does.  I have an image in my noggin of what I look like...dang...that's off.

Oh well....what's that?  yeah..starting over....starting over.

Speaking of which....this is what I did last Sunday....

what's that?  A journal.

yup...I burned ALL of my journals.  I am not against fact I had journals in from the 1990's.  Recently I started looking at them...cracked off the dust and read.

It was sad.

Really sad.  The things I allowed...the things I felt for years and never fixed.

I realized that I wrote to express what couldn't be said out loud, but I think what happened in the process of putting it down was I THOUGHT it had been expressed or that I had been heard or taken care of.  In reality, I saw years and years of the same feelings of being ignored, made to feel small, being terribly lonely. 

I wondered too if I kept all these little books as some sort of proof of what I felt....not sure if that makes sense or not....but in the process of trying to insure that I knew what I felt was real, I wasn't letting it go.

I don't need the journals anymore to prove anything...I know who I was, things I felt, what was real in my experience of things.  If I hold onto these little books, it sorta feels like I am holding on to the pain. I am not lonely, I am not alone, I am not crazy, and I am not unloved anymore.

So....time to start over...again.

They burned...and I did and do feel a little lighter, and a little

Monday, September 19, 2016

Day 1

Testing week,  day one:

One rep on Dead
Crush Work
2000 meter row.

Not looking for much here...starting place.

Was hoping or 300 on the 345...I'll see how the shoulder feels later.  Tried 375, got it off the floor..but not up.

Hand squeezie thinggies...then.....

Rowing...lots of rowing.  2000 meters.  I have no reference point for this one. 

Got it in 9:40....that's like fucking cardio.

I was happy...still, I freak out about the heart.  UGH still.  I just told, are it's fast...duh...'s been a year.

I usually write on anniversaries of things....but....I dunno.

I asked if he wanted to stay married another year, he said that's good enough for me. He knows and I know and that's all.

Thursday, September 15, 2016


Numbers numbers.

Let's play a game.  For someone who says they don't like math I get caught up in numbers A LOT. 

Used to be the scale, oh fuck me it still it is more often inches on the field or pounds on a bar.  Ok Ok...back to the number in the title.  1000.

It's a random number...but something that seems like a good goal. 


Pounds in a powerlifting meet.

Not sure why I chose that's round and it sounds cool.

and.....I wasn't that far away from it.  It seemed attainable in a year or so.  As long as I did one thing...kept adding weight to the bar, a pound at a time. Oh...and stayed injury free. 

So....I added up my recent one rep maxes:

Bench 165
dead    405
squat   375

Oh  I was close...945...but but but...that would mean getting those numbers or more ALL IN THE SAME DAY.  That is silly.

But still, with consistent WAS possible.  Still might be, just not now.

So....other numbers.

11:  weeks of programming BJ is working on for me and number of weeks to my first real power lifting meet.

1: sketchy shoulder that I am being super careful with.

3: lifts I will be working on.

2: number of gyms I can work in.  :)

15: number of pounds I have lost this year.  Small but it is a start.

10: number of pounds I'd like to shave off while I am on this program.  Which, I know can be tricky when you are working on putting weight on the bar. BUT...I am not lifting like I was before I tore my shoulder.

750: the new total I think might be possible...but I won't really know 'til I start the programming whether or not the shoulder will be happy.

1000: number of steps that I need to take to get me to any of my goals. 

It will be all the little numbers, the little goals that will keep me on track and focused.

As for today?  BJ had me do rack pulls to see how the shoulder responds.  First pulls since I got hurt...and I fucking videoed it too....sets of 5, did most of them at 225.  It's on IG if you must know.

Yeah....I am going to commit to video at least once a week during this program.  GAG...

The only way to see what I am doing, right?  Ugh...

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Bench Press

As my friend Zoi put it, "last week was a cunt."

Ok, got that off my chest.

This week looks to be at least an asshole....but I am well enough to be in the gym.

Bench press today.

Yeah buddy, you heard me right...

3x5....felt good, shoulder feels good right now. The weight you ask? Is it polite to ask an old woman's weight?

75!  I had weight on the bar!!!

Then I did curls (sans mirror), flys, reverse flys, triceps extensions and a shit ton of mobility.

I will hold my judgement for how all this went for tonight or tomorrow morning.

As for right at this harry half second, I am going to jump on a (modified) training program for that powerlifting meet in December.  I'll always be working with some sort of injury, some sort of job crap, some sort of personal chaos, and days~weeks~months that are complete assholes.

Little steps help me see where I am...little steps move you up the path or down it as the case may be.

Little steps are all I have...and that just has to be enough right now.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Quickie update

I got a shoulder recovery PR last week I meant to tell you about.

I can pull a towel around myself after I shower.


It's huge in my book.

Also sheaf feels ok...not great, but ok.

Can't raise my arm for stones or weights, but I got this toweling off in the morning thing DOWN!

I am fighting a Grandma will get back at it soon.  I am looking forward to WestSide's new space.

And Emery is 1/2 way done with the legal name change stuff....that's huge.

Oh and towels...I'm not ready to throw that in just yet.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Shoulders...big ones.

Well, I am about a month out from my injury...I promised not to get frustrated....I promised.....

I got a little frustrated.

I went to help WestSide power gym move...just for a little bit, knowing I am not very helpful...well, all I did was move some ez-curl bars.  And.....that did me in. Was in pain the rest of the weekend.

This is gonna be a long road.

I got back to the gym Monday...rode a bike...did some back squats.  BJ lent me a strap.  It was so weird to use a strap on one side.  Felt ok at lighter weights...but I hit 235 and that was it for me.

But, I hit 235, so that's ok...I haven't had much weight on my back in a month so it felt super heavy.

Dunno what else to say....I'll be judging at the next two games here in New Mexico.

Bernalillo on September 10th...
Aztec on October 1...

Hoping to get some more folks out for Bernalillo....gonna be super low key..more like a backyard game.  No festival....the city is sorta checking us out to see if they wanna support something bigger for next year.

So come throw and come watch...Help get this off the ground.

Have you ever heard someone say, " they know me better than I know myself?"  I was thinking about that phrase recently, thinking about writing about Grant....then I realized that for me...that phrase isn't true.  He doesn't know me better than I know me....that implies he somehow had control of my brain, my thoughts, my heart, my fears, my insecurities. What I decided...Grant listens to me, whether my verbal ramblings or my physical cues, in a way that I have never experienced before with an intimate partner....He just takes it in and will turn around and tell me what he sees and ask me if that's what is going on...never "using it" to make me small, never turning it against me, or ......

He doesn't "know me better than I know me," he wants to know me.  All of it, without judgement.

If that isn't extraordinary, if he isn't extraordinary.....not sure I know what is.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Head Games

Went for a walk this morning...and I went to the gym today.

Wicked workout.

Lots of shoulder mobility....then I tested out squats....not a great position for the shoulder yet.  I am gonna be loving me the safety bar at WestSide...Did the pause flies with 1 kilo plates and the pause bench press with a 45 pound bar and a spotter too. Thanks Tom!!

I am not hurting and I am not frustrated.

I will probably make fun of myself a bit, because that is just what I do.

Soooooooo the last time I worked with Paul, I meant to tell you all about what he did to fix my shoulder.... he adjusted my skull.

no...not that one...

This one:

See....the skull is not a single unit...feels like it is, but it isn't.  Anyhooooo, we started chatting about the Highland games and Paul made a joke about how the games must have been in the 70's.  He imagined someone strapping cabers to the top of a Ford LTD.  I laughed and said, 'that's the car that hit me when I was a kid."

Huh?  Did I know that?

Um, maybe, I thought I told you.

I don't think so.

Wanna feel the indent in my head?

What?  Yes....( he does)  Get on the table...


This is a missing piece.

He then starts to work my skull...he has me do this weird movement to keep me connected, I think... and damn if I don't feel crap shift.  I don't know what...but I feel....weird.  Weird and woozy and my vision was off too.  But my neck? Um...didn't hurt.

Hasn't felt this good in a long I am not really even aware of it as often.

Sometimes being pain free for a while is a little scary..I am not sure why...but it is.  Perhaps it is just such an unfamiliar feeling?

He finished up with my head and said, "well, I had fun twisting your brain."  Then he threw balls at me.  HA.

I know it isn't magic and I also know I have to be willing to put the work in to have changes happen.  Same deal with rehab...nothing magic is gonna happen....but as it works it starts to feel like magic. Same with the PTSD work....same with every single relationship I have...gotta put the work in to feel the magic.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Shoulder updates


I bet you are all waiting anxiously to hear about my latest injury, right?



Not really a big deal here.  I threw myself a little pity party (Bailey was there) the first day or so, then I realized just how stupid I was being.  I am getting help...and it could have been worse....Hell, I have had worse...just not in my shoulder.  Here is what I have been told. 

Every thing in this photo is broken.


Ok...that cleared things up for me.

Most importantly, it wasn't a single catastrophic event.  Just wear and tears from over use AND everything being 'pulled forward.'

I guess the main issue is I am in crappy positions when I do things....and I was in crappy positions because my body was protecting itself from pain (how funny is that.)  Soooooo as far as I understand things....there are tears, diagnosed by symptoms, but they were made much worse because my muscles along the front of my shoulder were "shortening", which essentially pulled my shoulder out of joint.


I am getting work done along my rib cage too because it is all jacked up as well....and pulling the shoulder out as well. Silly ribs.

It will be months of rehab. 

But on the upside, I can move my shoulder in most directions. I can even wash my hair without too much weirdness.  I cannot, however, pull a towel around myself to dry off.  I also still have stabbing pain at times...sometimes doing something I just did with no pain...annoying; but as Paul said to me, tissues heal...IF you let them heal.

And it aches.

The trickiest piece in healing an injury like this is that there isn't much blood flow to tendons and cuffs and that's part of why it takes so much time.

But I have been ordered back to they gym I shall go. 

No big weights for today, just lots and lots 'opening' work.

I was shooting for Pleasanton this year, which I have already cancelled, but I will be missing Bernalillo and Aztec as well...I'll be judging instead. 

I shared with Grant this weekend that hurting my shoulder made me miss throwing in a way I had not yet missed it.  See, I am really really REALLY good at compartmentalizing...really good.  When I had to "put it on the shelf" this year for a variety of reasons...I really put it away.  Just as I was starting to pull toward the work of throwing, I got hurt.  In that moment or two when I thought I wouldn't be able to throw again..I wanted to throw again.  My passion flew out of the little box that I had tried to contain it in.

All my tiny boxes got shaken.....

Monday, August 8, 2016

Let's do it all again!


I am back to rehab workouts.  YEAH!  I'm so happy.

 It's wasn't a magical pinched nerve...I've torn some shit up in my shoulder.

Well, I am trying to be happy.  I am trying to think about the fact that at least I am working out hard enough and often enough to hurt myself.  Yeah, I know that sounds weird...but I could still be sitting on the couch...right?  Right?

Well...I did a lot of that this weekend, had too many cookies and drank too much wine.  But I have to be done feeling sorry for myself.

Hard not to go to the place of "what did I do to myself" "why did I fuck up AGAIN"

Hell..I didn't start lifting til my mid forties, with no base from any sports in my youth.  I pushed....Too hard.  I'm still learning, I'll keep learning, I'll make mistakes.

Right now I don't feel like pushing anything, I suspect I should have never given anything in sports a try.  But I also know how stupid and filled with self pity that sounds...and yuck.  So, no, I won't be working on lifting in prep for my first powerlifitng meet and I won't be posting throwing practice work either.  I'll be trying to do the work to rehab this torn shoulder....I'm working with Paul and Jennifer and my doc to avoid surgery....And I will be walking...and trying to lay off the cookies....and trying not to lose all my strength...and cookies.

I can't even joke about Zumba or Yoga 'cause I can't get my arm above my head, nor put pressure on it without pain.

The hardest thing so far was to contact Steve and tell him I can't go to Pleasanton.

I love that game....I even went last year..WAY too soon after heart surgery.

It's been a rough year for me and my body and throwing....I've had to put it on the back burner for a couple of reasons....hurting my shoulder makes me feel like I'll never get back to it.  And really? There is no way to tell what will happen.  I know it came into my life just as I needed it...and as someone who loves me pointed out; it probably saved my life too.  But it was completely unexpected.

Who knows.

All I know is if I can get stronger than I ever was AFTER heart surgery...I can work on this shoulder too.

I do feel a bit sad and foggy and gross right now.

Gonna check in with BJ...maybe start working on a plan so I'm not such a Debbie Downer.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Well, this sucks


My shoulder.

Don't know what I did....I lifted Friday...bench.  Got and awesome 145 for multiple reps. 

I was sore, but fine.  Then it got worse.

and worse.

and worse.

I could not use my left arm to drink coffee by Saturday morning.  I cannot lift my arm! It just stops. And yes, there is pain when I try to lift it.

So, I didn't throw yesterday....and I can't lift.....

Well Damn.

I have a call into the magic man and have an appointment on Tuesday afternoon. I must say I am worried that something is really really bad...torn something maybe.  But I am gonna work with Paul first...since I didn't feel anything pop or tear, I am really hoping something is just out and pressing on a nerve.  Hence Paul...he kicks ass at that kind of stuff.

In the mean time, I will be MIA from my workouts, smelling like tiger balm, and in a mild panic that I won't ever throw or lift again.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Blah Blah.

Rough damn week.

Missing workouts... wanted to get back to throwing....Haven't.....Emery has missed 2 appointments which annoys me too.....I am trying to study study study and I am sorta doing it....

I think I am still processing the class from last week.

I know I was supposed to update and I haven't yet. So......I'll stop avoiding it.

When we did our wrap up circle I had said that I think I came into the class with the wrong intentions and so I didn't get THAT out of the class, but that I still got something.  I guess I am still figuring out what that something is. 

I know what I liked best from the class was watching all the other people in class grow, find voice, tap into power.  It really was beautiful.  I saw courage too...lots of courage.  I can't get more specific because we were asked to keep things private. 

I know that they were super clear that learning this doesn't imply blame or shame about anything that came before. Yet...there it is. That is exactly what I walked away with. 

The final day we were working on this reversal thinggy...I was trapped under the guy in the suit...and I started kicking furiously.  And just like the previous week...everything went dark and I was some place else.  I was back there...but I was kicking him off.  When I came back to the room, all I could focus on was "why didn't I do that? why did I let that happen? He was right, I was big enough and strong enough to have stopped it."

Not a good place to be.

It was reinforced during the "graduation" thing where everyone went through a scenario with family and friends present.  When I got up for my turn, I could feel my hands shaking....but I heard a voice from the people watching, "oh this should be good."  I almost sat down.  There it was again, the assumption that I, as the fat master Mountain Troll, should have NO problem fighting off an attacker.

Well...I didn't fight him off; I didn't know how. I didn't know I even could. 

So, maybe this will just take time to settle.  Perhaps I will walk with less shame in time.  Perhaps the lesson I will leave with is that, yes; now I know I can, even if I couldn't then.  I am not sure why or how, but I think having been in this class may just give me what I had originally hoped for. Bear with me on this:

I think I had secretly hoped that this class would erase the memory of the rape.  (dang, it is hard to type that word) That's insane, I know.  But perhaps taking the class and being able to talk about it (thank you Grace), I will find forgiveness. Not for anyone but myself.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter who thinks I am strong or powerful or whatever (especially him); what matters is for me to understand that this is just the reality of what happened and I get to choose if I still live in that dark room.  I am also fully aware that PTSD jut sometimes takes you on its ride, but that too; doesn't last forever.  As they had us remind each other in class, go back to the breath.

Thanks Grace, Grant, and Chris for coming to that final thing.  And for breathing with me.

And chocolate.

And I promise, I'll start writing about lifting again soon...I gotz me some squatz and bench to do today...

Monday, July 25, 2016


We have clearly established that I am, in fact, not a mountain troll...even though my head is, indeed, too small for my body. 


I have been using an annoying food tracker app for a while.  I have been pretty consistent too...It is saves foods you eat a bunch and there is a scan feature too.  I didn't really change what I was eating (much), but it got me measuring again (which I freaking hate, but it works). AND I do find that I don't wanna put shitty things in there so I sometime choose not to eat them.

Silly, but true.

But, being the Mountain Troll that I takes a a lot for anyone to notice that I have lost weight...or even for ME to really notice.

And, well, I have lost a little and I have done it without losing strength. 

How do I know? 

Can I wear skinny jeans?


Have I dropped dress sizes?


Can I marvel at my reflection in the mirror?


But I can wear undies that have been tucked away in the back of my drawer for way too long.

Yeah....I just went there.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Class update

Okie we go.  When I let you guys know I was going to take a self defense class, some of you asked for updates...let you know how it goes...if it does what I hope....

here is their website:


First a I wrote in my last blog, I am not a writer.  I mean, I know I put words on paper, or a screen, in some sort of order, sometimes making some sense...but I frequently miss the mark.  I write...well...I write this blog...hmmm, why?  sometimes I don't know, I read other peoples blogs feeling some sort of connection, I guess I hope that when I write, someone like me knows they aren't alone.

And all the cool kids have blogs...and I wanna be a cool kid. 

Let's do I start this?  So Sunday was the second class ( each day is 5 hours), on the drive home I BLASTED Barbara Streisand. And Mandy Patinkin.

Yeah. Like 80's Broadway tunes bad. Totally.

There are some basic good things they are going over.  Lots of it is how you come off in the world know strong energy kinds of things. They also teach some basic strategies, not just for defense, but how to deescalate verbally as well. What is odd is they make it very clear that they know that what they are teaching plays into the stereotype that assaults come from strangers, when indeed, the majority of assaults are from a person we know.  Then we spent the first two days prepping for stranger danger.  In some ways, it doesn't really matter.  So many of the things they are running us through would be just as useful with a person you know IF you had the courage to stand up for yourself.  I think that is the bulk of what they are getting at, having people find "voice." If you can yell "NO" for the first time in this group of strangers....This is all important stuff.

I, like most people, have had my fair share of harassment on the street by strangers...well, maybe less than some.  I do, after all, sometimes come off as intimidating.  My size I guess.  While I found lots of the stuff we worked on the first part of class useful..It wasn't as profound for me as it was for others.  

That was actually my favorite part...watching the other folks in class.  

We were still working on stranger stuff when the guy in the gear:

(they are way safe in that shit)

They move on to verbal combined with a physical grab....not a good moment for me.  There was something about having to be toe to toe with this guy that made me (guess) freeze.  It got worse on Sunday...They had us do the "they have taken all your weapons away" thing.  Which basically means, they surprise you in bed, asleep, and pin your arms.  They are going around the group, I am watching this shit....I am starting to use the counting trick I use when I start to panic....I try to watch, see how people scoot, kick, poke eyes etc.  As it gets close to me, I think, "ok I can do this."  I get on the mat, the trainer gets on top of me,  and I am instantly in another room.  This is no longer the masked dude who is trying to help me learn something. Everything is dark and all I can do is look away.

I am pretty sure that they know this happens to people.  The female trainer gets in my ear and coaches me through what to do.  

We go through it twice.  The second time was worse. It was too close to what happened. That shit is more deeply in my body than I care to admit. And yeah..I froze. The trainer again had to talk me back into the room and talk me through lifting my arm, looking at him, hitting.  I real life; by the time I reacted, it would have been over.

I had really hoped something different would kick in.  But it didn't.  

I know when I hit these guys they feel it.  I am strong when I hit, but the issue is hitting.  Well, maybe it isn't.  It isn't the stranger I fear, it's the abusive boundary I missed all along the way.  I know I thought that perhaps if I rewrote the story, IN MY BODY, that things would feel different.  That I would suddenly speak up for myself. But it can't be rewritten, I can't go back and stop what happened.  I can't go back and not have a piece of myself taken from me. So there it sits.  I put the feelings, the images, the memory in a tiny box and move on.

They make it really clear that by showing us this stuff, this way of defending ourselves, that they are in no way saying we are to blame for anything that may have happened to us before. But it still feels that way.  How would I be different if I had only..... and then I know that some of this really doesn't matter.  If someone comes in your house and punches you in the head before you even wake up, it doesn't really matter how relaxed you try to stay, or if you can even see straight to watch for your opportunity to strike. And fucking bets off if there is a weapon.

Please understand, I think what they are doing is important.  I really do.  And I am amazed watching the progress of many of the people in class.  I think I was wrong in thinking it could help me move through something. Is it teaching me something valuable? Yes...but I had the wrong expectations for my own growth.  

I guess I will decide Saturday morning if I am willing to put my self through this again.

And then I'll write another happy little blog. Which is better than staying silent.

Here is a cat:


Saturday, July 16, 2016

Self trolling.

Ok, first a clarification. I am NOT a writer.  Never have been. I got horrible grades in English classes unless they were "drama" English classes.  In which case my cold reading skills always carried some weight. HA!

I am not always clear.... In the last blog I had pointed out that I look like the above mountain troll. What I wasn't able to make clear, is that the thought I had when I looked into the mirror and saw myself as said mountain troll was brief, very brief and very funny to me... Which I was hoping to convey was a good thing... A bit of progress.

Sorry if I somehow came off as... I dunno... Whatever I came off as.

So I found some photos of what I look like....typical Mona looks I guess.  Photos that I actually like of know, classic beauty that I am.  Like in this one.  
Or this.....

Well, I am an expressive sort.  

I do love this one.  

And this. 

I like the drive, the "want" in each of those.  

I found this one too.... My dear friend Marissa caught's just happy.  

So I really do know I don't look like a mountain troll...even if my head is too small for my body or if I happen to get a wand shoved up my nose.  


Thursday, July 14, 2016

cut me some fucking slack....

Took Emery to a concert this weekend...It was a long hot, mildly stressful drive.  I left on Friday, knowing I had a huge test on Tuesday.  Stayed up too late Friday after the drive.  But I was studying.  Saw Megan and Kegan for dinner...and yeah, I bought them some groceries too.  Met Emery's friend Emma and her Mom.  They seem pretty nice...then lots and lots more travel.

At one point with a pillow on my lap, study materials on my lap, I looked up.  Caught myself in the mirror.  Y'all know my shit relationship to mirrors.  I've been feeling pretty ok about my body lately...mostly due to Grant and lots of strength work in the gym. I'm thinking I kinda look like this:

Beautiful, isn't she?

I mean...I am passed wanting to look like this....long past:

But, I looked in the mirror and saw this:

HA....All I thought was, Dang, my head is too small for my body.....puffy-small head- I'm a fucking Mountain Troll....I laughed!

Oh well....I will probably never make peace with this crap....but I can laugh at it.

SOOOOOOOOO  I took my test on Tuesday.  I passed! 

It was so weird....I have never taken a computer test before.  They actually wand you before you go in...pat you down too.  I know people cheat, but I still don't get it.  If I didn't prepare, that's on me. So...I took a deep breath...I finished the first part in about 2 hours....I felt ok.  You can flag questions you want to recheck, well you can recheck them all, but I decided I would NOT do that. Too many chances to second guess yourself.

I took a break, sat at a coffee shop for a half hour and went back to it. 

The second part was harder.  I really figured I failed it. 

I did the same thing though, I only checked the questions I had flagged.  Then the button came up.

DO YOU WANT TO SUBMIT EXAM? do I have a choice.

Now, I know this is quick, people used to wait weeks for a letter in the mail...but a screen pops up...dammit, some stupid disclaimer I didn't care about.   Click again....wait.  I tell myself I will need to take some time in the car to write down what I struggled with...then it pops up.




I fucking teared up.

There was more riding on this than I care to much time either studying or feeling guilty I didn't study...and as some of my friends can attest to...lots of time feeling stupid.

So..I go back to work Wednesday and get a call from the registration folks...letting me know the paperwork that needs to be done...congrats too, then, "When are you scheduling the next test?"


You aren't have to take the 66 as soon as possible.

Oh...(instant deflation)

So~I decided~Monday...I'll start this next process on Monday...for now I will actually be happy I got through this math & regulation intensive test...then....back to the books.

Dammit....I was hoping to focus on different my bench. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

fails that aren't fails...

I meant to write last week after this happened....but well....I am trying to create this habit, but studying has taken priority.

Last week, I had that nasty 5x3 80% dead lifts AGAIN...I went into the gym thinking, "ok, just get at least one more of these lifts than you got last week."  Just get a little better today.  Seems like a plan.  I didn't go in saying "kill this!"

So guess what happened?

go on, guess....

I only got one set.


and you know what I did? I moved on.

I just moved on.

Hersch said...lifting isn't linear Mona.

Fuck yeah...what the hell is.

So I moved on and didn't berate myself.

I'll try again this week.  Well, maybe not.  Turns out I have an injury.  Something in my gut, my abs, my NASTY.  Got a massage this weekend and I am complete crooked.   Walking with a protected gait. Twisted even.

(That's funny)

It hurts, I hurt....She thinks it's from a bad lift...Probably some truth to that, but I am always sitting...sitting and studying. Sitting and worrying about the test....sitting and taking practice tests.

This is my typical sitting posture...

I'm not sure what I will do this week in the gym.  Maybe not lift heavy or not lift at all.

Oh, and I have to travel to Oklahoma this weekend, right before the test.

Yeah sitting.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

It's only a little ptsd....

I started doing crossfit, I think, in a place called Undisputed Fitness...This place also had jiu jitsu, kick boxing, and regular old boxing.  After I had been doing crossfit a while, I decided I wanted to try boxing.  I have always had this desire to feel know, stronger; like I could defend myself sort of stronger.  So I tried it.  I really really liked it.  Hitting the bag felt amazing...I felt like perhaps I was moving past some of the struggles I had about not knowing how to defend myself.  Then, after a few weeks, we moved into sparring. 

What I remember from that class was that I could sure take a punch.

My poor partner stood there saying, "it's ok, you can hit me."  I know...I tried.  I just tapped her...I couldn't do it.  I just stood there and took punches. 

I didn't go back....

I froze.

I always freeze.

Now I am even older and I am still struggling with the idea of being able to stay in my body long enough to defend myself....I am still dealing with the fall out from an assault.  After which I was told, "You are so 'strong' how is it possible that I assaulted you."  About a month ago, I had to pull off the highway because I was having a flashback that I couldn't shake and the sound of breaking glass...well...I completely disappear if I hear that. I am strong, if you ask me to carry in your 50 pound bag of dog food...but when it comes to my personal safety....well....yeah.

So why am I talking about this now?  Why share this?  Part of it is the Stanford case. All of the news, the outrage, the defense, the excuses..And, well all of the people I know, sharing...but, I just found myself shutting down yet again...hearing all the reasons that the things that happened to me didn't really happen...and I thought I would share what I am trying now.  Next month I am going to spend two weekends at an Impact training.


I saw that they were having a workshop specifically for people who had been involved in a crime.  Well...I saw it three separate times from three different sources.  I have this deal with myself, if something presents itself to me three times, I better pay attention.  So I applied.  The whole time I was applying, All I could hear in my head as, "oh please, it wasn't that bad. Other people have REALLY suffered. You could have stopped it at anytime if you were just stronger or better or...or..or..."  I sent it anyway.  Later, after I had forgotten about showed up.  I got accepted. 

So now I have to go.

I want to....and I also don't.  I am afraid I will freak out completely or shut down and just stand there and "take punches" and later only feel like I am curled up in the corner.  Either way, I know I need to do more work.  And yes, before you ask...I have done traditional therapy...but I seem to hold this in my body...lifting helped in the aftermath, but I am finding that"nontraditional therapies" are working more effectively.  Energy work...Physical work...all that stuff.  So now...onto this direct method...this hands on 'real world' defense training.

So yes...I have PTSD...

I was diagnosed and everything.  

and no PTSD is a little, not when it's yours to deal with.

Thanks for listening to me...and for the support.  Hopefully, I will be able to write about the workshop...but maybe not and that's ok too.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

down side

Was in the gym today...

Dead lift day.

BJ has me going back to the trusty 80%

Well...that just sucks now.

The downside of getting a new one rep max is the multiple lift percentage days.

I was supposed to lift at 325  5 sets of 3.   I saw stars after the first set.  HUGE was hard.  Really hard.

I got through 4 sets and went for the 5th....could not move the bar at all.

oh well....I have a new place to start.

Confession time.

I have gotten 2 pr's in two major lifts in the last month or so...but I don't think they are real.

Bear with me.

1.  They are never videoed or did they happen? Kidding...
2. Ok...fuck me, I am in this place again...but I need to say this out loud.  I only lifted that weight because I am fat and I have gained weight.  Yes...this is what I am currently telling myself.

Then I saw some amazing videos posted by girls who powerlift....all sorts of shapes and sizes lifting and working and getting shit done. Again, I would never ever say to someone else that they only lifted something because they were big...or wrapped in bacon or chubby or whatever..but there it is. I say it to myself.

My lifts aren't real because I am not good enough, by body isn't good enough, I just got lucky, this doesn't take skill when I do it..if it did, I could lift more.


I look like a middle aged woman who moves weight. And guess what? I fucking love it while I'm at it...squeezing my shoulders down, tightening that belt, feeling the bar press and the weight settle onti my back.  I really do.... So this is me right now and this is fine.

And I am strong(and not just for a girl or for an old woman)

Thanks for letting me vent....I know...I know.

Front squats tomorrow...

Thursday, June 2, 2016


Before it becomes a distant memory and fades into  that place of...that didn't really happen, I thought I should get down what happened on Saturday.

I have committed myself to the Saturday Team Workouts at Westside power gym for a month.  It's a whole different vibe than I am used to and I am a giant baby when it comes to going to the gym.  I don't really feel like I fit here, but I really like lots of these, like I said...gonna give it a try.  Sadly, the month will be split over more than a month because of training I have for work.

So Saturday comes...It is hard to wait til 6PM...I drag Grant with me and force him to work out because that habit fell away with the Festival.  I know we both struggle with consistency.  We show up a little late...the crew is already rockin' squats...

I jump in with a couple of the women.  I actually get a chance to chat with Lindsay....she's kinda amazing.  Had a knee replacement 2 years ago and she's banging out sets of 5 at 185 (I think).  Sam shows up a little after I do and the three of us lift together.  I decide to work some pause squats.  I get up to 275 (I think) and nearly get stuck at the bottom on the first one....It was funny.

Then I hear people muttering about deads.  OH.  Deads and squats...Sam wants to bench instead...I agree, but we stay and deadlift.  It was fun.  The three of us have a platform to ourselves, so there isn't the pressure to move aside for the boys...Hell...I realize with these two women I am lifting with...they would never feel the pressure to move aside for anyone.

I love that.

I decide kinda quickly that I don't want to do my programing...I don't want to do small I decide to keep up with the group. 

Both of these women have BEAUTIFUL form....BEAUTIFUL.  They are powerlifters. 

So we load....load some more...then they are talking one reps....ok well..  I sit for a second, I feel ok...

I watch Lindsay break her PR twice....smooth as silk too.  Sam does too...she hitches a bit, but she CAN lift that weight.  We all talked about how numbers get stuck in our heads.

They load the bar for me....I lift, feels easy.  I think it is was encourage me to go up. 

385.  This will be a PR PR not just a post surgery goes up.  Um....easy too.  I mean NOT easy, but not grinding~ugly~killer. 

They all encourage another 20...Grant looks at me like, " what's your problem, it's just 20."


I have dreamed of 400 for a long time....

If you look closely at this photo...that is me on the platform, in purple, setting up for the 405.

It goes up...and not grindy goes up.

There was much laughing after that lift. 

More lifting...watched Rocky go for a one rep max was a fun night.  I tried one more, cause Rocky wanted it on video...loaded 410 (I think) no go....I had rested too long I think....and I was too geeked. 

We left the gym and I thought...maybe I just found 2 more amazing women to lift with....

Maybe it's all in my head that I don't fit in with this group (I kinda knew that).  You just go and lift and my favorite part: watching other people lift. The joy when they get it, the frustration when they don't, the calls all around of "you will next time!" Encouraging these amazing ladies to just go for sit and laugh about too much chalk and the struggles of wetting our pants while lifting. To throw off shoes for that max lift and feel strength all around. 

Maybe I'll give it more than a month.....

Wednesday, June 1, 2016


So, I was sent this photo a year ago. Jessica Jones sent it to me on the day before my heart surgery...


Crazy and cool.  

At this time last year, I was busy worried about living through the surgery, prepping for post op, and wondering if I would ever feel good; much less strong, again. My life has shifted in crazy ways this year...most of which those of you who follow me already know.  

As for the surgery? As for my heart?  Is it healed....dunno, do our hearts ever heal or what does healing even mean?  Do I catch my heart racing sometimes...maybe...yes and no.  I know lots of it is stress from the fear of my heart not healing.  The fear.  Oh the fear.  At the same time my heart was breaking, I was trying to to open it up to allow for healing.  

Odd feeling.

Do I feel strong?

Define that too.

I could talk numbers and lifts or choices and fear.

All I know for right now, I am certain I have people in my life who will do what Jack is doing in the photo above...stand behind me and let me know that I am worth healing my heart. 

In all it's meanings and manifestations.

Friday, May 27, 2016


Well....I didn't write shit down...I was having too much fun.

I was happy with caber, sheaf~ I matched my pr of 24'....went for 19'9" on WOB, but missed...

The things that suffered were exactly what I had thought...

Stones, weight, hammers.....don't practice?  Well there it is. I am hard on myself...but I am working on that too....

But it was a blast..long, cause there were 13 of us.

Meet with BJ too....some plans, but I don't have them solid in my brain yet.

And I started tracking food again....just tracking.


Stress and food are glorious.

OHHHHH  I started meditating too...doctors orders.  Ness turned me on to an app....I have 7 whole days behind me now.

Got too many things to write about and I am not writing often enough, so this is jumpy!

I am headed to Denver to do my class in a week...I suck at this stuff.  SO hard to get formulas and regulations in my brain.  All I can do is try.

Between my lack of training, my inability to learn what I need for the series 7,  my weight, and some other shit I don't write about on here...I am feeling like a giant ball of failure....mostly...but I also know I am confronting old demons, standing up for myself, and working on stuff that is WAAAAY outside my comfort maybe it isn't failure....maybe I'm stretching and growing and finding boundaries...

OHHHHH a shout out to two bad ass women in my life.

Sheila Helme...for getting out there and throwing in her first game and Ness....for grabbing her career by the horns and making it yours.

You are both super inspiring!  Thanks

Friday, May 20, 2016

Pre Game notes


I got nothing.

Gonna enjoy some time in the sun.  Love my Masters group.  I shall probably watch a couple of these ladies set both personal and world records.

That is awesome.

I have promised myself I will be happy with where ever I am throwing....It has not been my focus at's ok.

I have finally learned that the people who support me won't string me up just because I don't keep throwing better and higher and farther.

That time is behind me, that life is behind me.

I'll post some numbers next week.

To all the folks in Victoria this weekend....kill it!

To the SGL folks competing here in Albuquerque....kill it!

To all my Praxis peeps....kill it!

To all those strong folks at Westside....kill it!

Have a fun weekend...and come join me if you can out at balloon fiesta park.

Celtic Fest

I woke up this morning, without fear.

I am so grateful.

Monday, May 2, 2016

2 numbers

ok...short term goal.


No I lie.


I am sorta stoked.

BJ's programing was spot on.

Before all my heart stuff and the surgery, I had a back squat one rep of 350.  It was an ugly 350, but whatever.

Post surgery..December of 2015...recovery programing and  moving into a power lifting meet...I got 315.

SO...I was looking for 330 today...Gary had said 3-5%....

I hit 335 and it was clean and felt good...

put on felt ok.

put on 375...I bent forward a little but but corrected and got it up.  When to Gary and he, at first, told me to go heavier...until we figured out I put 50 onto my squat since December.


I'm a little geeked out.

400 might actually happen.

The only caveat?  I didn't video it.  I hate that.  I mean, I hate ME on I didn't tape it and now?  I regret it.  I have to get past that shit.

Thank god there were eyes on I know for sure it was a good lift.




Thanks BJ...I mean really....not just for the programing, but for fucking putting up with me and for believing in me and my heart when I often don't and for tricking me back into Praxis on my lunch hour.  You knew as well as I did (if not more) that I was about to give up.

And thanks Gary...for keeping a sly eye on my the last 10 weeks...sneaky.

Yeah! Back squats!

Now....I guess I need to start working on throwing??

Friday, April 29, 2016


Where do your deepest darkest insecurities come from and more importantly, are you still feeding them?

I am stepping into the birth of many of mine this weekend.  I hope to greet them with kindness I never knew and let them go.  I think that may be the only way I stop feeding them.

I don't MEAN to feed them, but I seem to slip them scraps under the table until they have grown so large that they push me away from that table which holds boundless love.

I only have me to change.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

count down

Yesterday was my 2x2 at 315

Not bad. Gary said my second rep was sloppy.....chest came forward, but even Gary said the first rep looked good.

It even felt speedy to me.


Next week....I shall try for 330, which will be a 5% increase.  If it feels good...who knows.

As for today...I could not finish the entire workout.  One of those, "why the Hell did I get a heavier one rep max on that push press" I am STRUGGLING with the 5 rep at 80%.  It was better than last week...but I haven't finished it yet.

Drove back to work with my hands on the bottom part of the steering wheel.

I am trying to remember how to study again too.

I have 500+ pages of financial rules and regs and formulas to learn.  I read through the whole dang book...took some practice tests...and now I am going back through again and taking notes and testing more frequently.

So much harder to study as an adult.

Oh well.

I thought it was so much harder to get fit in my forties too and look where THAT has taken me...

And to those of you who still read this...thank you.  Thank you for sticking with me.

Monday, April 18, 2016

one brick at a time....

I've been a little frustrated.  I set some goals for myself...regarding my weight and it goes up and down and up and down...then I came across this....

One at a time

 "The solution is fairly simple: choose the main thing you want to achieve, and then scale back the rest. For example, if you like to compete in bike races, triathlons, or any other competitive activity, that should be your main focus. Everything else should complement that goal, not take away from it."

Yeah...duh....We want it all don't we.  I chatted with BJ after my initial recovery program about how I felt weak. Then as I was losing focus...when he tricked me to work out at Praxis for a week(which has turned into 6 ).. I was REALLY whining about how weak I feel...

So guess what...I am on a strength, gaining what I asked for.  Some of this is about limited time too....I am lucky to get an hour to workout, maybe 5 days a week.

1 hour....

60 minutes.


Guess what?

I actually DO feel strong again. and....I fucking LIKE there it is.

In a couple weeks we will sit down and chat again about what to focus on...I have an idea...but seriously, I can't take off 50 pounds while trying to add 50 pounds to my freaking squat.  Someone out there probably can...but I can't.

Had a great appointment with my doc last week too....Let's face it...I am chubby right now... she asked me what was going on.  I said, "I'm Fat.'

Doc: Well, what's going on? what are your stresses?
Me:  Um....lots...( I share)
Doc:  I'm not worried then, I mean, I worry about your stress, but your weight and your blood pressure? They will come down.  You still working out?
Me:  Yea.
Doc: Listen, there are two basic types. One person loses weight under stress, others; like you, gain are a survivor.  Your body is holding on to everything in case it needs it later.
Me:  *breathes deeply*
Doc:  We'll keep an eye, but don't worry.

All this from a western med doc.

And you know what...a weight (not my chub) was lifted from my shoulders.

Funny I got both of these messages in the same week.

See this?  It's 300 pounds and I made friends with it today.

1x5 45
1x5 135
1x3 185
1x3 225
1x2 275

These were all light and speedy.



I have been OBSESSING over this workout for a week..a week. I walked into the gym scared.



I had to talk myself under the bar.  I was afraid it was gonna be one of those that just tore my spine.  I got under's heavy, but not horrid.  First rep...felt good. Heavy, but speedy. but then I had 2 more reps.  Ha.

I got through them all...the last rep of the last set was tough....but I didn't even wet my pants...nor did I cry.

Next week is 2x2 at my old one rep....I am hopeful, that if I prep well and sleep well and eat well; that a new one rep (post surgery) is possible.  I know 350 will be an elusive beast....but 330....sems possible now.

I love my gym and I like feeling strong again.