Identity Crisis....

Actor or athlete?

Why can't I be both?  I know I have blathered on before on this blog about the struggle of being both.  About comments from my theater family that because I post so openly about athletics that they assume I am not interested in acting.  You know, I don't get called for readings and such anymore because I (sarcastic tone here) have to post sooooo much about athletics. 

Well...athletics...throwing~lifting~gym crap is in someways is easier to post about.  After all it is quantifiable.  There aren't really numbers associated with acting.  I can't track my "acting goals" on a spread sheet. Such a subjective beast~art. Then you add the additional issue that I am HORRIBLE at self promotion...ICKY POO.  I had a wicked blow this summer when I was told I was cast...and it just disappeared....to someone who is a fine actor...but a wicked self promoter.

So I think, often, maybe I am done as an actor.....the egos I can do without...cause athletes....have...no....oh never mind.....that's not true.  I have "labeled" myself an actor for so long...what would that feel like to just stop?  When I took a self imposed break from acting to help Kegan with college apps and auditions,  I had a friend warn me...."If you aren't doing it...people forget who you are and a year can turn to 10 years in a heart beat." The small group of talented folks I work with~laughed.  But I knew she was right.  It's my job to get out there...but maybe I don't want to...maybe, like I said, I am done. 

I have become more comfortable with the quantifiable.

Then....I had a rehearsal.  I love this work, I love who I am when I work.  I am me....just as much as when I am caring for my daughter~ just as much as when I am throwing.

The next morning, I found this article...it's long, but boy oh boy it spoke to me. Read it if you care to.

I am not "inherently" anything...I am me and who I am around helps define what I do.


"Authentic Self"


"We don't have an authentic self. We are always a product of the interactions with people around us. They aren't interfering with the production of our identities; our interactions with them are the production of our identities....

......I've talked about this in the past, particularly when it comes to labels....I am a lot of things. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a student, a teacher, a feminist, a humanist, a liberal, a daughter . . . Each of those identities is important to me, and each is dependent upon other people for their very existence"

 AH....

I am an actor...when I am acting.... 

I am an athlete...when I am athletic....

I am a lover....when I am loving....

I am a mom.....when I am a mother....

and on and on and on.

I am not the labels, I am the action....

I am.