another doo dad on perspectives....

 Gosh dang it....I have tried to write this blog for a couple of weeks now...trying to write something in a way that doesn't make me sound like a total asshole or like I am bragging...

It's just a thing.

So, perspective...I gotz me some issues regarding my body...you know this already.  

A while back, I went on a short little girls trip to Pagosa Springs with 3 friends. Being in a swim suit is a mess for me....but whatever...SO I am with my lovely friends...these ladies are beautiful, inside and out. I get into my usual bullshit self hating thing...hiding as well as I can as I usually do. Then we start talking about leg pain and hamstring issues....so I show the ladies a couple of mobility things I have learned over the years.

To my shock...one of my friends says, "damn, look at your legs, I wish I had your legs."  I think I froze, I may have actually looked behind me to see who she was talking to.  Me?  The chubby one of the group?

Huh....but I looked at my legs and realized the movement I was doing was really challenging...so I took the compliment.  I took that bitch.

😆

About a week later, we had a new client come in the office and I was wrapping up some paperwork for her...well, she's a personal trainer and I was asking her about her work and her focus.  I made some sort of comment and she said..."oh no, I can tell you are strong...I wish I was built like you." 

Again...Is she talking to someone behind me?  I think I said something like...Really?  Then we laughed about how we all want something that we think someone else has and we miss the gifts sitting right in our laps.

These were lovely lessons.

And oh...I hired another coach.

A nutrition coach....but not like you may think.  Someone who focuses on destroying "diet culture" and the damage left.

I know for those of you that have tagged along with me a while, you know I have done quite a few of the "extreme" ways of eating...but this shit moves deeper...I am hoping this is work I can do to keep healing the broken little bits.  

Oh...and speaking of...did you know that a disco ball is made of hundreds of broken pieces of glass....so maybe we aren't broken, we are perhaps disco balls.

I won't do that again....

Well, I threw some things Sunday.  I know in March and April, I had been keeping track of my practice throws and coming up with some goals....Well.....That didn't go as I had hoped. Like...not at all...so those hopes I had for November.  Well, I am letting those go....into the trash...like my form.  

I have been working on little form details, but nothing sticks once I am in the field.  Biggest disappointments? Braemar and WFD...and heavy hammer liked to kill me.  

But, as I told someone else this weekend...I was out there, so that's a win.

 

Braemar 23 1

Open 29 5

HWD 35 5

LWD 54 8

HH 59 10

LH 79 5

WOB 16

Sheaf 24

Both Height events, I stopped before I was "done" so height stuff feels pretty good.  The Achilles is rough, even today....I suppose these numbers are where I start from. I mean practice is practice, but games are different...right?  I took a HUGE fall on light weight...huge...I just stayed on my back for a while...Michelle just laughed at me because I had joked right before the throw about "how many different ways I could fall."  oooops.

One of the many things I learned this weekend is that Judging and throwing don't mix.  I mean I already knew that.  I know I cannot judge on a Saturday then throw on a Sunday. SO when one of our judges was sick this weekend, Michelle and I thought...no big deal....we can switch off.  

No.

I mean, no.

The thrower before me would throw, then I would feel Michelle taking the clip board from my hands and all I thought (nearly every time) was, "what? it's my turn...I'm not ready."  And I wasn't.

It was tough....may or may not reflect in my numbers. 

I should have just said...not biggy, I'll judge. Let go of that desire to prove something or be something I am clearly not any more...and judge.  

I really do love judging, although what ever group I get probably get sick to death of my impromptu singing and obscene jokes; peppered with reminders to drink water and reapply sunscreen.

I was thrilled that Michelle joined us, to see her tenacity and strength after the last few years of physical challenges was really nice, beautiful really.  And my dear friend Donna as well.  I wanna cry when I watch her work.  She fills my soul in a way that I have no words to describe; and I am so very grateful both of these women are in my life...There is a level of grace...grace toward themselves, that I find myself envious of....but I know it's possible by watching them fight and recover and accept and push all at once.

 As for me, I still find much more to beat myself up about than to enjoy.  I don't like that.  

A dear friend said to me today, "it's interesting to watch you beat yourself up, even over a paper clip."  When she said it, I thought...what?  Then I remembered a little more clearly what I had said about a paper clip....

a paper clip....I criticized the decision to pick it up...I made fun of myself for making the wrong choice about a paper clip.

Some time soon, I just need to let paper clip be a paper clip and put it down with no judgement about how I put the damn thing down.  My worth is not tied to the distance of my light hammer.  My worth is not tied to letting go of intense training in one part of my life. I'd rather hope that singing to the athletes I judge actually has more to do with my worth than how far I throw.