Friday, August 28, 2015


I was taken on a little trip last Friday....It was lovely...

I think that we often believe that nights like these need to be special occasions....I know I often thought that a "big occasion" was the only reason I would give myself the reason t take the time away from everyday crap to go away. To recharge with friends is essential.

Why oh why do we do that.

I don't want to any more.

There is always time, because there is so little time....

Thanks Karen and Ness and Lisa...

Sooner than later, ok?

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

behind again...

So last week I showed up at Praxis, 'cause I was too lazy to get up at 4 to go work out.

I got on the rower to warm up...there are no rowers at the new place and I like rowing....set it for 1000 meters.  I felt good as I started and I decided to try to keep the pace.


What what?  My best time ever was 4:14...I was thrilled and you know what? Not  so out of breath, not a long time to move on to other things.

Pretty cool.

The 5 AM work out is getting harder to do....I think I need a swift kick in the ass or perhaps a refocusing period.  Think about what I am doing and what I really want.  Perhaps it has changed.

I did a 30 day gratitude thing on Facebook.  I pushed it to 50..I really struggled sometimes...and those were the days that did me the most good.  To shut off my brain and just breath and let all the good things come to me. I will keep posting them, especially on my rougher days.

next experiment?

Ok....I have a new experiment for the next few weeks.

To look at myself in the mirror.

To see myself instead to hiding. I am afraid that this may turn into the perfect storm of self loathing....but I need to stop avoiding my body.

I read this super infuriating article is a piece....

3 Tips to Think Like an Athlete

Here are my top three tips for thinking like an athlete and learning to love your body:
  1. Set clear, achievable, performance-based goals. Smash them and then set new ones! Instead of setting weight-loss goals, which are so arbitrary and mostly meaningless, try setting performance-based goals you know you can achieve. Be specific. Run a 9-minute mile. Or squat 100 pounds. Start tracking your performance instead of your weight and your confidence will grow along with your fitness!
  2. Don’t compare yourself to others. The best athletes work on what makes them unique rather than trying to emulate others. Focus on your strengths, work to improve your weaknesses and celebrate your personal progress. Now that’s fitspiration!
  3. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Fitness is a process. There is no end date or final goal, and there is no such thing as perfection. Take days off. Eat cake without guilt. Enjoy yourself!

All I could think after I read it? Fuck you.  Sorry....

Just another place where I see "it's so simple" and it makes me feel like even more of a fuck up.  I can't even do these "simple" steps...I mean, there are only 3!!

Fuck that....I am an athlete...a pretty dang good one last year and at the start of this year...and still I struggle with body image....doesn't matter that I DO make goals and sometimes even smash them...I see photos of some of these things and all I see is a body I am in constant battle 3 steps?  I call bull shit on this one.

Hence, the mirror experiment....I hoping that actually seeing myself, will help me be kinder to myself...I do love what my body can do...I really do...I just need to learn to love the outward expression of the work I do that makes me look like I do....and perhaps I might also treat myself a little better...

If you hear wailing....that's me, looking in a mirror for the first couple of days.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

more quotes....more something

At the West Side Power Gym where I spend my mornings attempting to regain some strength, there are some chalk boards filled with quotes...

One of my favorites is "If you want a fancy gym experience, squat with your pinkies out."

Yesterday my eyes settled on this:

“It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” –Socrates


What am I doing to get myself there? Am I doing anything to really get myself there....the easy answer is yes...5 years ago I was pretty much rotting on the couch, struggling to get my life to look like I had imagined it would be. I had wanted an active life, yet I ended up on the couch. I continue to recover and hit the gym, I wonder what more I could do, be, try.

I live with this low level lingering self loathing...I keep it at bay more and more as I age and as I move....but I know it also is what keeps me from really pushing forward and taking the best care of me.  You know, good old self sabotage.

Not sure where I am headed with this....


I had a spectacular fail on a back squat yesterday too....oh my.  I am used to the soft bumper plates...well...WPG has mostly Iron....After I got 275, I loaded up 305...I really wanted to see if I could get 300 again.  As soon as I stepped back, I thought, "re rack this, it doesn't feel right."  But then I thought that perhaps I was being a big baby. I went down...too far...I got stuck.  Stuck.  I wasn't even sure how to bail...Ugh, I tweaked my whole spine...but Grant stepped in and eased it off of me on to those safety doo-dads.

Lesson...I go heavy....He needs to spot me differently.

Bummed too...I thought perhaps I still had 300 in me.

Not yet.

As for the what more I can do, I met with BJ today, we have a strategy to get me through September...both body and mind.  Also...


I signed up for another competition.

Just to see what it is like.

There is an in house power lifting competition at WPG.  I've never even BEEN to one before...I just thought it might be fun to try.  It will help me temper expectations too...I need help with that right now, before that self loathing~self sabotage takes over.

Just go in...see what my body is capable of.... 

Oh, here is the gym's new web site...


And the other gym...



Monday, August 10, 2015

games update.

I have been meaning to write about the games last weekend...




I am coming up against some transitions in my personal life that I am really struggling with.

Point 1...learning to step back and not try to fix everything.
Point 2...not taking bait...I suck at this.
Point 3...letting the dirt of the past lay still so the new seeds can grow.  Tough when point 2 is such a sticking point.
Point 4...shutting off all of the 'shoulds' especially the parental shoulds.

oh games update...

Snowmass was weird...beautiful and weird.
The games were bumpy but I know they will iron that crap out....small stuff.
I have a major girl crush on Edie for more reasons than I care to admit.
I had lots more pain in my leg while throwing than I thought I would.
I actually threw all but one throw...finished the game.

I was flat on my ass tired (not sore) for longer than I thought I would be after the the end of the day I got really down on myself...Pathetic to go there.  I guess I have a lot of work to do.  Frankly, the issues in my personal life and on the field are really the same.

There is no perfect, there really is no best...there is only the best you can do at any given moment, and sometimes that is really not very good...but it is all you have. And sometimes it really is the best, but no one sees it that way, especially yourself.

I did my best, the best I had to give, the most I knew how to do....I am sorry for many things, but I am not sorry for saying enough is enough. 

I am going to approach this like I am supposed to approach the field...each throw is new...yes, you build on all the work and even perhaps your previous throws, but if you obsess over everything you did wrong on the last will only repeat it.  Whisper the little cues instead.

Chest up.
Eyes forward.
Let it go.
Let it fly.
I am enough.