Worlds?

 So there was this comp in early November....the Master's World Championship or something...

I thought I was gonna blog about it while I was there...when I got home....The week after I got home.....

Well, here I am almost two months later....

Um...there was a game.  I threw.  I came home?

Stinking memory.

No seriously, what I remember most from the game?  The first morning at the Air B&B.  Laura, Chris, and Angela didn't get in til like 3 AM or something crazy...and when they came over to our part of the air B&B....(it was two separate houses on the same property) we had breakfast and chatted...um...all of a sudden, I looked at the clock and it was like 2pm. 

We only left the place to throw and on the last day for dinner...we chatted....and chatted and played cards against humanity.  It was great.

I did have some weird stuff happen.....I was a bundle of nerves especially the second day.  I had a really good first day, which made me absolutely convinced that I would foul out on all three throws on both stone and Weights and blow my lead.  Such a great brain....

The thing that I WAS happy with?  I went into this game knowing where I am with regard to distances, so the goal was to focus on form.  Form, Form, Form.

I felt good about that. I really really did. 

So, that is something I can build upon.

Beyond that?  I cannot express what it was like to see some of these folks again.  

Joy....just fucking joy.

 

None of the details matter...none of the numbers....just the joy.

 

And if you were there...thank you....and dang, that awards ceremony was....NUTS.

Challenges

 I have been having the same conversation with folks lately.....

Challenges...not personal challenges, more about like "health" challenges.  Now anyone who has stuck with me for a while knows that I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE a challenge....the Whole 30 being my most frequent challenge that I used to jump into.  I always thought it was about a reset or something.

Over time, I realized that all the Whole 30 reset for me was an unhealthy relationship with food and yet another way to hate myself.

But, that's just me....I mean....if someone else can do that in a health way...go for it.  I can't.

After this little revelation about myself...I got to thinking about all the other challenges I have taken part in since starting this fitness journey of mine over 10 years ago. Especially given the context of how I as thinking of my "off season" training this year...

And you know what?  

None of these...not one...not fitness, not a plank challenge, paleo, intermittent fasting, meditation, yoga, no booze, not one of these has actually changed a fucking thing.  They have all just stirred up unhealthy competitive , "oh fuck if I can't do this I am a failure" kinds of behavior in me. 

So many people I know love this stuff....and it "works" for them...it shifts something...I know I have written before about that 3 weeks to a new habit crap too, and they seem related to me.  I cannot put my finger on how...but they are.

Then I was chatting with my friend Grace about it...and she said something that hit me in a different way.  "These people who push or create all these food challenges have never struggled, they have never struggle to eat or to survive. They have to create their own suffering since they have never really experienced it."

Well, fuck me running.

I'll just leave that thought there...

So, how does this shift my off season thinking?  I had decided to "do yoga" and trust me, there are like 40 billion yoga challenges out there...and yes, I found a 30 day yoga thing on YouTube from a yoga instructor that Emery follows. But....I am not doing it in 30 days...I mean I might...but after the work I did with the nutrition coach Moriah, I decided to listen....really listen to how I feel and listen to what my body is telling me it needs right now.  

Turns out, I am doing it like 5 or 6 days each week so far...frustrating as it may be at time.  I do it when I feel I need it.  

I have also taken a break from training...like lifting...I haven't lifted shit since a week before Worlds...

Don't see me doing it again for a while...maybe a month? Maybe more? Or less?  

No, I am not sitting still, I am just doing something I feel like my body needs right now. 

I also keep meaning to write about worlds too....and I have some thoughts about freakin' yoga too...maybe in a couple of days...

letting that shit go.

I posted this on Facebook a while ago... from Sarah Robles:

 

 

Fat people don’t need to perform “health and fitness” to prove to you they’re worthy of respect and human decency.

******************

I find it fascinating that an an elite athlete, sometimes I get a free pass on some prejudices because I’m being a “good fatty.” People know I workout all the time and that I’m conscious of my diet and other perceived health markers. Basically, I’m not like OTHER fat people. However, those biases you have about fat people are what people who don’t know me automatically have about me. I’m not excluded from being a fat person. It’s an interesting dichotomy to be both a world-class athlete and also part of this “obesity epidemic.”

I get told I’m promoting obesity and that fat people like me are bad for society and the health care system and all that. Then I get messages from people saying they just got into the gym for the first time or signed up for a competition because I inspired them in someway.

Anyway, listen to the way your friends and family talk. Check out the content they like and share . It might be a valuable opportunity to see who really loves you and it might be a good opportunity to educate them on how to think about and treat other human beings.

I was super happy she posted this, it was a good reminder for me, living in a large body to be careful to whom I give my time and energy.

It happens rarely in this crazy sport I am in, but there are those folks out there....oh yes.  

I've had the back handed compliment...the admission that someone assumed I was lazy because I was fat...I've had the you should probably focus on cardio conversation as well...I had the oh god you look so much better having lost weight conversation with someone, when I was trying to tell them I felt weak...but you know, lighter is better...most recently....my favorite one to date really....someone looked me straight in the face and said...well, the light weights are the REAL badasses.

Okie dokie.

I mean, yes there are amazing light weight athletes....A-MAZ-ING.  And you know why they are amazing? The work they put in...the talent and the WORK they put in, not what they weigh.

In the moment and for a period of time; I was truly hurt by this person's words...truly hurt. I felt demeaned, dismissed, like they were judging me...and well, they were judging me.  BUT....I realized later, that this wasn't about me...this was them..their own internalized fat phobia and self judgement.

So...there it is.  I don't have to internalize this.  Hard not to, given how large bodies are viewed, blamed, criticized for even existing....funny how we can see someone with a slender frame and say, "they are naturally thin"....but the same is not afforded to the other....

I have struggled hard to "get lean" and at no point did I ever actually feel good or nourished.  I felt slightly crazed every single time...counting every last everything....restricting til I felt crazy....headaches, belly aches, kidney function problems.

I'll just keep moving at this point....and my fat ass will enjoy that cookie, thank you very much....and I'll enjoy throwing in this large body thank you very much...and I will perhaps, sometimes, even feel like a bad ass....

A big, goofy, slightly inappropriate, badass.

 

Peace

 You ever get into a disagreement with someone and one of the things they say to you is, “Fine, I’ll go away and leave you in peace.”

I’m guessing yes. Perhaps you’ve even said it to someone. I’m pretty sure I have too at some point. 

Well, this was said to me recently with all the vitriol as that phrase always brings. Instead of pushing back or quickly saying something that may feel like defending myself with a “no no that’s not what I mean” sort of thing. I heard it. 

“Leave you in peace”

What was meant by that?

Oh….

You know….you know that either your presence in my life or the actions you take or the words you use with me….are disturbing, upsetting to me, are “warring” words or actions. 

You know…and yet you threaten with peace…and I’m expected to beg you to stay to harm me further…..hmmmmm. I’ve never though of it this way before. 

Maybe none of this is conscience thought, maybe it’s a phrase we use carelessly when in conflict.

Return question, why don’t I deserve peace?  

I do actually, deserve peace; so in that thought, so do you. 

So, I will do my best going forward, to think, “ will this action or will my words create peace or continue to fan the flames of conflict.”

Might not be easy if I’m honest with myself….but now that I’ve heard this differently, I will work at receiving it differently. 

I know I said I was gonna shut this blog down.....

 ...I was just gonna post this video on Facebook, but the shit I thought I might say about it might be a little wordy.  So bear with me please.

So, I don't normally post the same shit on multiple platforms, but I received a second video of my WOB in Wichita and I wanted to share this one. Not because the throw is all that stellar...it isn't really when you look at the back load...or my freaking stiff legs.  BUT.

What I love about this video, why I am posting it? It's the after. The throwers...the support.  Mark Wechter, arguably one of the best throwers in the country is looking on, as he had just asked me after my last throw if he could tell me something.  He helped get this puppy over the bar.  It's the swarm of ladies coming at me...happy in my success, as they share this throw with me....it is Donna...my dear, wonderful, inappropriate, hysterically funny Donna looking determined to get across that field...it's Chad coming all the way across the field to give me a hug.

That's all of it right there....it's why I keep coming.

I realized something else this weekend.  I often find myself pregame, thinking....I am gonna be serious this time.  Demure, as Cindy Johnson might say. And well, It never happens.

I am, frankly obnoxious.  

Something happens when I get on the field..this switch in me, and I realized that it is me.  That "obnoxious" is me.  All the other places and obligations and old voices that pressed on my chest, were pressing on me.  A part of myself.  Now that is not to say that those other pieces of me, the work me, the serious me, the obligated me, the whatever, are not really me...but that boisterous, happy, slightly crazy, off color person that shows up on the field is me too. 

The first nickname I got from the NMCA throwers was Giggles...not sure but I think it was Jason Kleymann that gave me that moniker.  I just know that at that point in my life I was often, well, very sad, very squeezed tight. I found not just joy in throwing, but a little piece of me that was lost...a piece of worth was discovered ten years ago on that field, fueled by the nearly year I spent in a gym for the very first time.  Again surrounded by people who let me, be, well, me.

 

It has been a difficult few years....going back, well, an embarrassingly long time and I still look at Grant sometimes and worry that the putdowns will come.  But they never do. That is not him...he does not get angry when I am joyful.  He finds joy in me...being me.  

Poor bastard.  😊

There will always be some pain and hurts and frustrations, but these moments on the field with these women...that's the shit right there...good throw or not.  And I will march my ass across the field for you too my beautiful ladies. 

WHY???

 Fuck...I came in here to write a blog and there was one in Drafts from JUNE!  JUNE!

I'm guessing I don't really need to keep this blog going at this point.

 

I was going to write something about how much I miss my old gym...It hit me again last week while I was working out.  I posted a sweaty photo of myself and was like...how long until I stop missing this place...HOW LONG?

 

But, I have said it before...it wasn't the place, it was the people. The things I miss...the support of one another...people showing up for each others competitions....the challenges....the parties....the clothing exchanges....the charity events....

Other gyms have great equipment and some lovely folks...but there it is...

It was a moment in time and I was damn lucky to be a part of it.

Go Zia....

I still miss ya and I feel the worse for wear with out you.

and another thing...about excuses....

 Doing some lifty lifts in the gym this morning...Box squats....some one legged leggy presses....some more kettle bell squatty squats...and some weird press things....

They. All. Felt. Terrible. 

Terr*i*ble

Ok why?

Well, I said to myself, self...you could not workout last week....you traveled.....you threw....then traveled more....

So, for the "no excuses" crowd...are those excuses? Or aren't they just the things I have had going on in my life?

For just a moment...self said back to me..."excuses!" then I laughed...because no...this is just the stuff that's going on. So, I let a little more go of those outside pressures to always lift more, always "be my best" crap.

I was in the gym, I struggled, I got something done....

That's it. That's enough.

The game this weekend in Nashville was filled with too much of that "self" voice. I let that imposter thing take over....I let those weird expectations that I feel from the outside squeeze into my brain and my body. So funny too...not like anyone has ever SAID that shit to me...not even Grant...well....maybe Chuck...HA....

What I was unable to do was to focus on form...there were other issues...but I got tight and scared and judgey of myself.

All I can do....is let go and focus on form next weekend in Colorado Springs.  The cool thing for throwing?  I know I was throwing the WOB 19 feet....I just could not clear the bar...but it's almost there.

Everything else?  MEH.

But we went and we laughed harder than we had in a while....and that is worth it!

another doo dad on perspectives....

 Gosh dang it....I have tried to write this blog for a couple of weeks now...trying to write something in a way that doesn't make me sound like a total asshole or like I am bragging...

It's just a thing.

So, perspective...I gotz me some issues regarding my body...you know this already.  

A while back, I went on a short little girls trip to Pagosa Springs with 3 friends. Being in a swim suit is a mess for me....but whatever...SO I am with my lovely friends...these ladies are beautiful, inside and out. I get into my usual bullshit self hating thing...hiding as well as I can as I usually do. Then we start talking about leg pain and hamstring issues....so I show the ladies a couple of mobility things I have learned over the years.

To my shock...one of my friends says, "damn, look at your legs, I wish I had your legs."  I think I froze, I may have actually looked behind me to see who she was talking to.  Me?  The chubby one of the group?

Huh....but I looked at my legs and realized the movement I was doing was really challenging...so I took the compliment.  I took that bitch.

😆

About a week later, we had a new client come in the office and I was wrapping up some paperwork for her...well, she's a personal trainer and I was asking her about her work and her focus.  I made some sort of comment and she said..."oh no, I can tell you are strong...I wish I was built like you." 

Again...Is she talking to someone behind me?  I think I said something like...Really?  Then we laughed about how we all want something that we think someone else has and we miss the gifts sitting right in our laps.

These were lovely lessons.

And oh...I hired another coach.

A nutrition coach....but not like you may think.  Someone who focuses on destroying "diet culture" and the damage left.

I know for those of you that have tagged along with me a while, you know I have done quite a few of the "extreme" ways of eating...but this shit moves deeper...I am hoping this is work I can do to keep healing the broken little bits.  

Oh...and speaking of...did you know that a disco ball is made of hundreds of broken pieces of glass....so maybe we aren't broken, we are perhaps disco balls.

I won't do that again....

Well, I threw some things Sunday.  I know in March and April, I had been keeping track of my practice throws and coming up with some goals....Well.....That didn't go as I had hoped. Like...not at all...so those hopes I had for November.  Well, I am letting those go....into the trash...like my form.  

I have been working on little form details, but nothing sticks once I am in the field.  Biggest disappointments? Braemar and WFD...and heavy hammer liked to kill me.  

But, as I told someone else this weekend...I was out there, so that's a win.

 

Braemar 23 1

Open 29 5

HWD 35 5

LWD 54 8

HH 59 10

LH 79 5

WOB 16

Sheaf 24

Both Height events, I stopped before I was "done" so height stuff feels pretty good.  The Achilles is rough, even today....I suppose these numbers are where I start from. I mean practice is practice, but games are different...right?  I took a HUGE fall on light weight...huge...I just stayed on my back for a while...Michelle just laughed at me because I had joked right before the throw about "how many different ways I could fall."  oooops.

One of the many things I learned this weekend is that Judging and throwing don't mix.  I mean I already knew that.  I know I cannot judge on a Saturday then throw on a Sunday. SO when one of our judges was sick this weekend, Michelle and I thought...no big deal....we can switch off.  

No.

I mean, no.

The thrower before me would throw, then I would feel Michelle taking the clip board from my hands and all I thought (nearly every time) was, "what? it's my turn...I'm not ready."  And I wasn't.

It was tough....may or may not reflect in my numbers. 

I should have just said...not biggy, I'll judge. Let go of that desire to prove something or be something I am clearly not any more...and judge.  

I really do love judging, although what ever group I get probably get sick to death of my impromptu singing and obscene jokes; peppered with reminders to drink water and reapply sunscreen.

I was thrilled that Michelle joined us, to see her tenacity and strength after the last few years of physical challenges was really nice, beautiful really.  And my dear friend Donna as well.  I wanna cry when I watch her work.  She fills my soul in a way that I have no words to describe; and I am so very grateful both of these women are in my life...There is a level of grace...grace toward themselves, that I find myself envious of....but I know it's possible by watching them fight and recover and accept and push all at once.

 As for me, I still find much more to beat myself up about than to enjoy.  I don't like that.  

A dear friend said to me today, "it's interesting to watch you beat yourself up, even over a paper clip."  When she said it, I thought...what?  Then I remembered a little more clearly what I had said about a paper clip....

a paper clip....I criticized the decision to pick it up...I made fun of myself for making the wrong choice about a paper clip.

Some time soon, I just need to let paper clip be a paper clip and put it down with no judgement about how I put the damn thing down.  My worth is not tied to the distance of my light hammer.  My worth is not tied to letting go of intense training in one part of my life. I'd rather hope that singing to the athletes I judge actually has more to do with my worth than how far I throw.

 

Again with the goals? sheesh...

 Ok ok...so I got a few more throws tracked in the last two weeks...

Last Sunday I throw a couple of hammers...heavy hammer for the first time in a long bit.  Think it was low-mid 60's.  So...goal?  68?  Threw one light hammer out to just over 80'....shocked on that...just spent the time trying to fix my knees....you know, using those bendy leg things.  So I was shocked when it popped out that far.  

Lets see...this weekend...stone was stupid....but I got my head up.  But no progress toward my stone goal that's for sure.

WOB this week...really working on the bendy leg thing again....I actually did clear 17' pretty handily too...so I stopped.  Mainly because I was focusing on form...and well, it took me quite a few throws to get things lined up and moving like they should.  Still hoping I can clear 17'6" by November.

Sheaf....threw sheaf without tweeking my hamstring this time...so I was able to stay with it.  AGAIN, just like WOB, took me a bit to warm up into it. Chad was awesome and was watching some of my early throws....I was pulling with my left arm before I even crossed the mid point.  Like hard...so thank you Chad for helping me fix that shit.  I was, after all, throwing that little 10 pound bastard for distance instead of height...so annoying.

But....by the end of the session...I shot one up to 24'...um...pretty happy with that.

I do believe I had set that as my goal...so lets push that up to 25'.

Not so good news n the Achilles...I was sore after.  I am trying to be super thoughtful about stopping before it hurts...and also really really trying to use my legs without guarding.  

THAT is not easy.

And stone....fuck me...and the stones I throw.

I guess I need to go through these couple of posts an put these goals in a list somewhere so I can be clear about what I am working towards.

All the unspoken

 Been doing a bit more hanging out with some of my female friends over the last 5 years or so than I have probably most of the rest of my life.  I am noticing something...

All the things we don't say...all the stuff we don't share about what seem to be very large parts of our lives.  I mean let me say first to those of you who might read this and whom I happen to chat with often...we do chat and share some amazing shit.  

Fears, goals, spiritual life, traumas and healing from said traumas....so please don't think I am dismissing all the amazing conversations I have with some pretty amazing women in my life.....but....I have noticed something missing...

 

Sex being the first one....like~really~talking about it. What IS it....what is it for you...what makes something amazing and what makes something blah....what feels like 'enough'? I am pretty sure this gets glossed over because of all of the cultural and religious taboos about not just sex but talking about sex.  I think sometimes I THINK we talk about sex...but it seems to be super surface. And frankly, if things are awful...we REALLY don't talk about it. We may say at some point...well my ex and I never really "connected" or "it's not really that important to us" and leave it at that.  

It just seems like such an important part of who we are and we kinda just hide the bad shit and give a wry smile over the good....well, maybe that is me....but it seems....like it's lots of us.

The other is about our kids....again, I have a feeling this is cultural as well.  We share all their successes and the joys...but sharing the pain...oh god no....that is taboo.  I think in part I have done this because I don't want my friends to think I am ungrateful or that I don't love my kids...but being frustrated or hurt by your kids doesn't mean you don't love them.  

I know when kids are little, we sorta have this list of complaints..the sleep...the tantrums...the clothes left on the floor in front of the dirty clothes basket....the homework arguments....but as we all age....what is the list then? What is normal? How do we share with our friends the pain of being cut off by a child, the fear and anger in that.  How do we share the fear and frustration in not knowing really who they are or maybe knowing too much or being depended on for too many things.  Who are we as moms once the kids are grown...how did you negotiate that?  How do you make the transition into Grandma.  Was this what you imagined or dreamed about when you thought of motherhood?

The love the loss the fear the joy....all of it seems barely touched by us in fear of other's judgements perhaps...perhaps in fear of self judgement...knowing, fearing we could have been better; knowing, fearing we failed a child or a partner somehow. 

What becomes ok to share with friends...how much of myself do I hide from other women I call friend? What can be gained by exposing some of this? Maybe nothing...and shit, I'm not talking about shouting it to the world; although if that works for you fucking go for it....I mean...I did write a whole show about things that I never shared with people as I was going through it (so there IS that).

I dunno....I just thought I'd throw some of this "on paper" so to speak...I have learned a couple of very interesting things from a couple of ladies recently and it just got me thinking....and it helped me turn my own issue on its side to look at it from a different direction and I have really appreciated that experience.

Maybe I am just looking for more of it....

Shhhhhhh More silly goals

 Okie Dokie....

I threw again yesterday.  

Caber....WOB....Weights.

So how did it go yesterday? Big take away, I stopped.  Yuppers....I stopped BEFORE I started to hurt.  WHEEE!  Started the day at weights...spinny shit is the most dangerous part of the Achilles so why not start there?  WHrew a bit of heavy first...lobbed a few out into the low 40's...I was pleasantly surprised at that.  Then I threw a light...the first on was over 60...like 62 or 63?  It really has been a while since I threw in the 60's. I must have been a bit excited because Nik got super excited and asked it if was a PR...no, no not even, but I was still pretty stoked.  I was even happier because I was staying low through the trig and getting some pep on that last turn.

SO what think you dear reader? If I keep working on this...might I get back to some solid MID 60's range in 6 months?  Maybe? Maybe.....

OK  WOB...ugh  I used to be really good at WOB.  In fact, I found these gems on Facebook today from Dana McDonald.

6 years ago I tossed that bad boy 19'6"  This weekend? I didn't clear 17...I hit the bar once, but didn't clear it.

Yikes.

This one actually pains me...but I gotta get over that.  This is where I am ... Ok...so maybe IF I WORK ON IT....I am thinking I could get 17"6".  I am having issues guarding my Achilles on this one...I am not using my legs....and I am pulling out to the side with my arm.  Lots to fix.

Caber...well...that's caber....I brought MacKenzie out, but I didn't drag my ass over there soon enough. I did throw a couple of smaller sticks and felt pretty good about my finish.

I think I need a tripod so I can start using a simple tool....fucking video...hahahha

Ok..there are a few more goals....need to look at sheaf again and open stone...AHHHHH...then I will have a list to start working on.

Shhhhhhh.....silly goals.

 Ok so....goals?

ok.  I'll try.

Threw yesterday...Hammer Sheaf and Stone.  It was...ok.  I was working a little light hammer...probably threw 10+times....I was focusing on one little thing...I guess that is sorta my goal IF I think I  might start "focusing on throwing" again.  Yesterdays hammers were all about using my damn legs.  I was feeling like I was doing what I set out to do...then....I felt a little...whatever in my Achilles, so I stopped.  

The furthest I threw was something in the low 70s...nothing to write home about as they say, but I wasn't giving it too much gas...Two things here....I stopped....and I have a starting pint for light hammer...

So, what's my potential goal then? Is it too much to shoot for 10 more feet in about 6 months?

Probably...but there you go...a goal....81 feet for light hammer.

Then I moved to Sheaf...3 throws and I tweeked my hammy....oh well....hahahaha.  Chad said I was pulling way too soon and shortening my swing...So...not sure I can place a goal yet since I really didn't clear anything yesterday.

How about 24 feet?  I mean I SHOULD be able to hit 28 feet, but I gotta get rid of the "shoulds" so there ya go.

Stone....oh stone...I am fixing my arm...hand placement on the finish and even bigger....I keep throwing down...into the ground...so annoying.  Anyway, once I got some full throws in I did hit 24+ or so...so how does 25+ on Braemar sound? (again I "should" be able to throw that thin 30 feet...but I quickly digress....)

Ok...goals...wrote some down....now let's see if I actually do the work it takes to GET there!

Share or no?

 I have seen some of those goal oriented memes lately....clearly my phone is listening to not just the shit I say out loud, but my shitty self talk as well.  There are two basic types....

The "accountability" type...you know....shout your goals to the world and get the damn support you want...and the "hide this shit ad surprise them" type....you know....plan your goal, dig deep, and shock the hell out of the people who said you couldn't do it.

I have generally been a share kind of person.  For example, I used to post throwing goals on this blog before I went to a game....but as for food goals or self care stuff...I have kept that pretty much to myself...So the idea of hiding a goal and unleashing it on the world seems odd..like...who cares?  

I think most of us are just half way struggling with working out, with food, with drinking too much, with watching too much TV, to even be thinking of how the people around us are gonna be "blown away" or some silly shit.

For right now, I don't post goals...because, well.....I can't seem to stick to anything....so the asshole thinking I can't do something...is...me.  

HA!

Anyhooo...my ankle is actually looking sorta decent.  I also had this thought the other day....I probably tore this thing in July of 2019.....AND I KEPT THROWING....like while building a show with Rod....and I threw well at Pleasanton that year....Like really well....Like a  49 foot heavy weight good...and here I am now scared shitless to actually throw....I am cautious and timid....I am more afraid of this Achilles healing process than my heart surgery healing process..

What the holy hell brain?

I know though too, that part of this struggle is a struggle about throwing AT ALL...

So there is THAT to contend with.

Thanks for coming along on this rambling blog......

Shirts

 Ahhhh gym shirts...I generally peek at the shirts people wear because well, they are wearing them.  Generally if there are phrases or saying on them a shirt may give you a clue into a tiny piece of who they are or what they believe.

Yesterday, while lifting my tiny dead lifts, saw a shirt on one of the many buff folks at the gym:

                                                    Discipline

                                                    -------------

                                                    Motivation

I saw it...then I SAW it.  Ahhhh my young buff dude....yes.  Thank you for reminding this old lady.  Motivation comes and goes....I, frankly, have had none since my Doc warned me I probably tore the Achilles...like 3 months before the diagnosis...Probably January of last year...then add the last year to the mix...and yeah....blah.

I started to feel bad because....well that is my automatic go to...then I saw the young buff dude walk past me again...and as though a muscled light had come on in the dark, or a buff glass of water showed up when I was thirsty....I thought again....

Oh....yea...I may not be doing the motivated thing...but since the gyms reopened in June and excepting some missed workouts here and there and purposeful weeks off here and there...guess what you silly old broad....you HAVE shown discipline. I may not be getting the "training" in I do when I am "motivated," but I am going to the gym.

Now if I can just show some discipline with what I eat....

February

There have been a few things I had wanted to write about, but after January 6th....all that was going to come off the page was.

WHAT. THE. HELL.

So, here I am now, in February, still feeling a bit what the hell.  Frankly, still not knowing what to write about...Should I rehash my weight struggles?  oh fun...let's all listen to that again...Should I whine about my lack of an artistic outlet....oh let's to THAT.....Should I complain about workouts and my Achilles....

So many choices....

So much crap....so much first world middle aged white lady problems.  WHEE!

 

So all I will say is this...I have been throwing a little bit...on Sundays and well, this week, my ankle was fine.  There was only stone, WOB, and sheaf....but still, sheaf often hurts.  Monday workouts have been Bench for like a year? Not sure...well....I can't anymore.  Momma cannot bench and upper body workout the day after throwing.  So, I decided I shall dead lift on Mondays from now on.

Riveting Blog...amiright?

I have also been consistently missing one day of workouts....Last week's excuse...I had some body work on Friday that nearly killed me.  I was still...ooookie....on Saturday so I skipped it.  

I shall endeavor to do ALL my workouts in February.

 

I am also tentatively looking a doing a few games this year...MAYBE....and have actually thought that perhaps I should set some goals for this shitty new ankle and throwing.   I have some things in mind, but it will depend on if these games actually happen....

Anybody out there who throws wanna help me set realistic goals?  I am at a loss....One of the throwers yesterday said..." you should always set goals...they don't have to be lifetime goals....but set some." He is right...but really, my days of "lifetime goals" are well past.  

Which is fine...so....anyone?  Bueller?

The high road.....

 I am fascinated by the concept of "taking the highroad."  I have always equated it with the idea of how you deal with a bully...that you walk away, that you don't give them any more buttons to push and thusly they get bored with you.

I get it.  It sorta works......until.

Yea...until people take advantage.   

I am especially blown away by people in my life that I have known who are; how shall I say this, come from a more "socially conservative" point of view than myself.

There seems to be this expectation that because I am a member of the alphabet mafia and an alphabet mafia ally that I am "tolerant"...and that I am supposed to be tolerant of someone else's bigoted point of view...because I am what they have decided is tolerant (which implies they KNOW they are intolerant).

I'm not really.

I try to be inclusive...but even then....I am not a resort...I am not all inclusive.

 

Here is a nifty little story about a punk bartender....and why he kicks someone out of his bar.  I could recount it for you, but here is a link:

 

https://www.upworthy.com/bartender-explains-why-he-swiftly-kicks-nazis-out-of-his-punk-bar-even-if-theyre-not-bothering-anyone 

 

 As some of you know, I had to deal with some of this white supremacist shit a while back in our little throwing community.  And well, we got push back....

"Who were we to decide what the person believed in their heart" line....We even had someone equate us to Nazi by shooting us the poem "First they Came" by Martin Niemöller.  

Yeah...fun....

I have had to come face to with the person who stood up for this bigoted behavior again...I watched as my ever patient spouse and this person chatted and I heard him apologize....my spouse...for what?  I am still unsure....I asked him later...did this person apologize to you for calling us Nazi? 

And what do you think the answer is?

I just can't anymore. 

Perhaps it is age, perhaps my hubby is intimidating and that's why nothing was said...but why do I always have to apologize? And why am I coming up with excuses for this even as I type this!! Why do I have to tolerate hate or bigotry?  Why do you get to just move on and pretend your words have no impact...or that it's a joke....or that I don't get sarcasm? 

Sadly it reminds me of years of gaslighting that I dealt with...I was told once, that I had to deal with the "bad" behavior because more was expected of me, because "I could handle it." 

I am all for moving on...it is all we have. 

But I have the freedom to associate with whom I want.

I am all for seeing something I didn't see before...for learning and changing and doing better....but am I always the one who has to accept and learn and try to do better?

Oh well....I don't know what to say or even think anymore.

I'll just go throw a little bit on my torn ass Achilles and hope and work for something better. At least in my own tiny circle.