Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Shoulders...big ones.

Well, I am about a month out from my injury...I promised not to get frustrated....I promised.....

I got a little frustrated.

I went to help WestSide power gym move...just for a little bit, knowing I am not very helpful...well, all I did was move some ez-curl bars.  And.....that did me in. Was in pain the rest of the weekend.

This is gonna be a long road.

I got back to the gym Monday...rode a bike...did some back squats.  BJ lent me a strap.  It was so weird to use a strap on one side.  Felt ok at lighter weights...but I hit 235 and that was it for me.

But, I hit 235, so that's ok...I haven't had much weight on my back in a month so it felt super heavy.

Dunno what else to say....I'll be judging at the next two games here in New Mexico.

Bernalillo on September 10th...
Aztec on October 1...

Hoping to get some more folks out for Bernalillo....gonna be super low key..more like a backyard game.  No festival....the city is sorta checking us out to see if they wanna support something bigger for next year.

So come throw and come watch...Help get this off the ground.

Have you ever heard someone say, " they know me better than I know myself?"  I was thinking about that phrase recently, thinking about writing about Grant....then I realized that for me...that phrase isn't true.  He doesn't know me better than I know me....that implies he somehow had control of my brain, my thoughts, my heart, my fears, my insecurities. What I decided...Grant listens to me, whether my verbal ramblings or my physical cues, in a way that I have never experienced before with an intimate partner....He just takes it in and will turn around and tell me what he sees and ask me if that's what is going on...never "using it" to make me small, never turning it against me, or ......

He doesn't "know me better than I know me," he wants to know me.  All of it, without judgement.

If that isn't extraordinary, if he isn't extraordinary.....not sure I know what is.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Head Games

Went for a walk this morning...and I went to the gym today.

Wicked workout.

Lots of shoulder mobility....then I tested out squats....not a great position for the shoulder yet.  I am gonna be loving me the safety bar at WestSide...Did the pause flies with 1 kilo plates and the pause bench press with a 45 pound bar and a spotter too. Thanks Tom!!

I am not hurting and I am not frustrated.

I will probably make fun of myself a bit, because that is just what I do.

Soooooooo the last time I worked with Paul, I meant to tell you all about what he did to fix my shoulder.... he adjusted my skull.

no...not that one...

This one:

See....the skull is not a single unit...feels like it is, but it isn't.  Anyhooooo, we started chatting about the Highland games and Paul made a joke about how the games must have been in the 70's.  He imagined someone strapping cabers to the top of a Ford LTD.  I laughed and said, 'that's the car that hit me when I was a kid."

Huh?  Did I know that?

Um, maybe, I thought I told you.

I don't think so.

Wanna feel the indent in my head?

What?  Yes....( he does)  Get on the table...


This is a missing piece.

He then starts to work my skull...he has me do this weird movement to keep me connected, I think... and damn if I don't feel crap shift.  I don't know what...but I feel....weird.  Weird and woozy and my vision was off too.  But my neck? Um...didn't hurt.

Hasn't felt this good in a long I am not really even aware of it as often.

Sometimes being pain free for a while is a little scary..I am not sure why...but it is.  Perhaps it is just such an unfamiliar feeling?

He finished up with my head and said, "well, I had fun twisting your brain."  Then he threw balls at me.  HA.

I know it isn't magic and I also know I have to be willing to put the work in to have changes happen.  Same deal with rehab...nothing magic is gonna happen....but as it works it starts to feel like magic. Same with the PTSD work....same with every single relationship I have...gotta put the work in to feel the magic.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Shoulder updates


I bet you are all waiting anxiously to hear about my latest injury, right?



Not really a big deal here.  I threw myself a little pity party (Bailey was there) the first day or so, then I realized just how stupid I was being.  I am getting help...and it could have been worse....Hell, I have had worse...just not in my shoulder.  Here is what I have been told. 

Every thing in this photo is broken.


Ok...that cleared things up for me.

Most importantly, it wasn't a single catastrophic event.  Just wear and tears from over use AND everything being 'pulled forward.'

I guess the main issue is I am in crappy positions when I do things....and I was in crappy positions because my body was protecting itself from pain (how funny is that.)  Soooooo as far as I understand things....there are tears, diagnosed by symptoms, but they were made much worse because my muscles along the front of my shoulder were "shortening", which essentially pulled my shoulder out of joint.


I am getting work done along my rib cage too because it is all jacked up as well....and pulling the shoulder out as well. Silly ribs.

It will be months of rehab. 

But on the upside, I can move my shoulder in most directions. I can even wash my hair without too much weirdness.  I cannot, however, pull a towel around myself to dry off.  I also still have stabbing pain at times...sometimes doing something I just did with no pain...annoying; but as Paul said to me, tissues heal...IF you let them heal.

And it aches.

The trickiest piece in healing an injury like this is that there isn't much blood flow to tendons and cuffs and that's part of why it takes so much time.

But I have been ordered back to they gym I shall go. 

No big weights for today, just lots and lots 'opening' work.

I was shooting for Pleasanton this year, which I have already cancelled, but I will be missing Bernalillo and Aztec as well...I'll be judging instead. 

I shared with Grant this weekend that hurting my shoulder made me miss throwing in a way I had not yet missed it.  See, I am really really REALLY good at compartmentalizing...really good.  When I had to "put it on the shelf" this year for a variety of reasons...I really put it away.  Just as I was starting to pull toward the work of throwing, I got hurt.  In that moment or two when I thought I wouldn't be able to throw again..I wanted to throw again.  My passion flew out of the little box that I had tried to contain it in.

All my tiny boxes got shaken.....

Monday, August 8, 2016

Let's do it all again!


I am back to rehab workouts.  YEAH!  I'm so happy.

 It's wasn't a magical pinched nerve...I've torn some shit up in my shoulder.

Well, I am trying to be happy.  I am trying to think about the fact that at least I am working out hard enough and often enough to hurt myself.  Yeah, I know that sounds weird...but I could still be sitting on the couch...right?  Right?

Well...I did a lot of that this weekend, had too many cookies and drank too much wine.  But I have to be done feeling sorry for myself.

Hard not to go to the place of "what did I do to myself" "why did I fuck up AGAIN"

Hell..I didn't start lifting til my mid forties, with no base from any sports in my youth.  I pushed....Too hard.  I'm still learning, I'll keep learning, I'll make mistakes.

Right now I don't feel like pushing anything, I suspect I should have never given anything in sports a try.  But I also know how stupid and filled with self pity that sounds...and yuck.  So, no, I won't be working on lifting in prep for my first powerlifitng meet and I won't be posting throwing practice work either.  I'll be trying to do the work to rehab this torn shoulder....I'm working with Paul and Jennifer and my doc to avoid surgery....And I will be walking...and trying to lay off the cookies....and trying not to lose all my strength...and cookies.

I can't even joke about Zumba or Yoga 'cause I can't get my arm above my head, nor put pressure on it without pain.

The hardest thing so far was to contact Steve and tell him I can't go to Pleasanton.

I love that game....I even went last year..WAY too soon after heart surgery.

It's been a rough year for me and my body and throwing....I've had to put it on the back burner for a couple of reasons....hurting my shoulder makes me feel like I'll never get back to it.  And really? There is no way to tell what will happen.  I know it came into my life just as I needed it...and as someone who loves me pointed out; it probably saved my life too.  But it was completely unexpected.

Who knows.

All I know is if I can get stronger than I ever was AFTER heart surgery...I can work on this shoulder too.

I do feel a bit sad and foggy and gross right now.

Gonna check in with BJ...maybe start working on a plan so I'm not such a Debbie Downer.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Well, this sucks


My shoulder.

Don't know what I did....I lifted Friday...bench.  Got and awesome 145 for multiple reps. 

I was sore, but fine.  Then it got worse.

and worse.

and worse.

I could not use my left arm to drink coffee by Saturday morning.  I cannot lift my arm! It just stops. And yes, there is pain when I try to lift it.

So, I didn't throw yesterday....and I can't lift.....

Well Damn.

I have a call into the magic man and have an appointment on Tuesday afternoon. I must say I am worried that something is really really bad...torn something maybe.  But I am gonna work with Paul first...since I didn't feel anything pop or tear, I am really hoping something is just out and pressing on a nerve.  Hence Paul...he kicks ass at that kind of stuff.

In the mean time, I will be MIA from my workouts, smelling like tiger balm, and in a mild panic that I won't ever throw or lift again.