I started doing crossfit, I think, in 2010...at a place called Undisputed Fitness...This place also had jiu jitsu, kick boxing, and regular old boxing. After I had been doing crossfit a while, I decided I wanted to try boxing. I have always had this desire to feel stronger...you know, stronger; like I could defend myself sort of stronger. So I tried it. I really really liked it. Hitting the bag felt amazing...I felt like perhaps I was moving past some of the struggles I had about not knowing how to defend myself. Then, after a few weeks, we moved into sparring.
What I remember from that class was that I could sure take a punch.
My poor partner stood there saying, "it's ok, you can hit me." I know...I tried. I just tapped her...I couldn't do it. I just stood there and took punches.
I didn't go back....
I always freeze.
Now I am even older and I am still struggling with the idea of being able to stay in my body long enough to defend myself....I am still dealing with the fall out from an assault. After which I was told, "You are so 'strong' how is it possible that I assaulted you." About a month ago, I had to pull off the highway because I was having a flashback that I couldn't shake and the sound of breaking glass...well...I completely disappear if I hear that. I am strong, if you ask me to carry in your 50 pound bag of dog food...but when it comes to my personal safety....well....yeah.
So why am I talking about this now? Why share this? Part of it is the Stanford case. All of the news, the outrage, the defense, the excuses..And, well all of the people I know, sharing...but, I just found myself shutting down yet again...hearing all the reasons that the things that happened to me didn't really happen...and I thought I would share what I am trying now. Next month I am going to spend two weekends at an Impact training.
I saw that they were having a workshop specifically for people who had been involved in a crime. Well...I saw it three separate times from three different sources. I have this deal with myself, if something presents itself to me three times, I better pay attention. So I applied. The whole time I was applying, All I could hear in my head as, "oh please, it wasn't that bad. Other people have REALLY suffered. You could have stopped it at anytime if you were just stronger or better or...or..or..." I sent it anyway. Later, after I had forgotten about it...it showed up. I got accepted.
So now I have to go.
I want to....and I also don't. I am afraid I will freak out completely or shut down and just stand there and "take punches" and later only feel like I am curled up in the corner. Either way, I know I need to do more work. And yes, before you ask...I have done traditional therapy...but I seem to hold this in my body...lifting helped in the aftermath, but I am finding that"nontraditional therapies" are working more effectively. Energy work...Physical work...all that stuff. So now...onto this direct method...this hands on 'real world' defense training.
So yes...I have PTSD...
I was diagnosed and everything.
and no PTSD is a little, not when it's yours to deal with.
Thanks for listening to me...and for the support. Hopefully, I will be able to write about the workshop...but maybe not and that's ok too.