Something

No idea what is about to get typed out here....But I promised myself I'd keep writing.

Had a rough game in Aztec...I probably should not have gone; I already knew that, but things (meaning my anxiety) started to chill about 1 PM, so the afternoon wasn't as hard as the morning.  I felt fine when I got to the field, but as this PTSD thing does sometimes, it grabbed me by the throat and covered my mouth and sent me spinning. 

I threw the whole game...not sure how wise that was, can I tell you how disconcerting it is to throw hammer when you can't feel your feet?

I won't post numbers...because, well....hahahaha.  No.

I do love Aztec, both the game and the folks who run it and the town. So being there and eating too much chocolate from Derrick and eating too much pizza with Edie and watching Cindy get like 25 pr's  was ultimately worth it. Hiding doesn't actually help me, it feels like it does in the moment; but that is PTSD lying to me again.

I'm seeing some super ugly things in people lately and I am wondering if it is the ugly in me or if I am just seeing a little more clearly.  I may be in that place again of needing to check the energy around me...letting go of some and drawing others closer.


On a happy note...or a couple of them, I had another audition last night...and I was calm...no chocking, no panic....wheee!  Funny side note, I saw a bunch of actors I haven't seen in a while..but most of them were auditioning for the same role I was....and they were all men...  I don't really know if I was the ONLY woman who had auditioned for the role as there may have been someone there earlier in the day, but yeah....I was looking around thinking, "did someone make a mistake here?" I've had that happen before, when I've been the only old lady in a room full of beautiful, trim, young women.  But all dudes?  Oh well.  I felt good about it regardless. And you already know how I feel about auditioning.  I really enjoy it now; I don't put too much into "booking" ...I put a lot into the audition, but I know that the booking of a role is so freaking far out of my control that there is no reason to get all twisted up about getting cast or not.  It doesn't define me like it did when I was young.

And I got my ticket for the GRRRL event in June....that's a way bigger WHEEEE.

Especially since Heather is going to be doing a Highland games clinic.  She may use me to help too...I mean how cool would that be?  I can demo bad form on just about anything she needs.  😁

I also had a break through moment with my past and my hubby this weekend....There were some things that I guess I had alluded too and that he perhaps, assumed as well; but because of the crap over the last few weeks and the anxiety being ramped up...he asked.  I told.  I spoke. He listened.

And with no proof other than my words.

He believes me.

Imagine that. 

And we heal a little more,  we love a little more,  I trust a little deeper, we move forward together.