Friday, January 18, 2013

Past what works

I love this meme...Sometimes I think I am doing this, but when I am honest...well....I often am close to the edge of my comfort zone....but not really out of it. I mean...I sometimes feel that just being in the gym at all is out of my comfort zone. That isn't really true...Zia has started to feel like a second home to me.

I have become comfortable lifting in the corner for example...yesterday was a tough day for me....once I got to the gym, I was sort of hoping that I could use the workout to help put myself back into balance, to shed the overwhelming feeling of not being enough, to get back inside my body again. That happens sometimes doesn't it? Well, I warmed up...mobilized....threw on the knee sleeves....changed my shoes....loaded the bar for the dangling box squats.

Speed work, so it's 12x2. At 210.

I tried to move as fast as I feels heavy....I can't pop up too fast or I fall over....I don't feel good lifting though....I am feeling more and more out of sorts as I work through the sets.

I move on to the incline is with the dumb bells not a bar. 35 pounds in each hand...feels heavy. 12x2 I am trying to pop them up as fast as I can....I am really trying to move quickly between sets as about set 8, something starts going really badly....that sick nasty voice in my head is screaming at me that I need to stop...that I am not worth this work...

I kept trying to close my eyes through the final sets....but I know I need to force myself to face keep my eyes open. I finish...I put my head down and it all just wells up in me. I feel angry and really really sad....

As I remove all the lifting crap that I probably am too attached too....I lost it. It's been a while since this has happened to me.

I guess I was pushed over the edge of my comfort zone by the work out itself. Not sure why this happens, Not sure what benefit or gain I got...but I did finish the work out. My arms were so fried that I could not raise them and my hands, ugh. I didn't do the WOD.

I guess all I can do today is to push myself more during the workout. I am tired of days like yesterday, but I also can't berate myself too much....things come up when they come up. Since I didn't really have control over the emotional comfort zone that was breached, I can try to push past my physical comfort zone today.

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