Friday, January 11, 2013

look away

In the long run, it gets down to this: avoiding (emotional) pain is a really bad idea.~ danielle laporte
Well,  the long Christmas visit is coming to a close. It has been very different than the first two visits, I think the child and I learned something about ourselves during the first two visits.  It all came down to expectations.  I was trying to be all cool and think I had none, but that of course wasn't true. He seemed to learn a bit about how to deal with me as a "semi~adult" after all he is still dependent on us, but he is is a weird place to navigate. We were both more careful about asking...asking what is happening, what plans are, what needs to be done.  It was great to have him home.  I also know it might be a while before he comes home or visits again.  He is trying to get work for the summer...
I hope he does, I know it sounds weird, but I really hope he doesn't come back...I think those of you with older kids get what I mean...

It's funny, but while he has been gone this first semester, I had a lot of people ask me how I was doing. I have always replied, "Fine, it's time for him to go.  Vivi has a hard time, but not me."  
I wasn't lying, I mean that; but what I was doing was looking at the issue sideways...refusing to look it in the face.  The reason I bring this up here is because of something I wrote about not wanting to look at the workout from yesterday because I was afraid of somehow that would change it.  In the gym last night I had a bit of a moment while I was rowing that made me understand the behavior~made me connect the behaviors of avoiding looking at a workout, or avoiding saying how much I miss that kid...
When the rowing got hard...I turned my head to the right...Ok, so?  ah...right...if you don't face it....if you don't look it in the isn't happening.
Such old, old scars, but it pops up in funny places, like on a rowing machine.....then that quote at the top of my blog showed up on my Facebook feed.  I laughed out loud at that... so perfectly timed huh? 
Time for me to look a couple of things square in the face...right in the eye...see them for what they are and let go.

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