Went to practice on Sunday. It was everything except cabers. I tried to throw kinda like a game...three throws that's it. Stones...ugh....wfd.....all the drills and I am working the drills...I get on grass and my ass slides everywhere. I did promise myself...no bitching. So...I moved to hammers....had a 10 foot throw that could have hurt someone if I had let go sooner. But it was sorta funny.
Numbers? Eh. Hammers were at least average.....moved on to sheaf and WOB. I noticed something....crappy throws or not...I was relaxed again.....I was laughing again....I wasn't nervous or looking over my shoulder or judging every single movement I made....I threw and I enjoyed it.
That's something isn't it?
Missed Monday...had some PT....neck. AGAIN. Well, Paul started on my neck but quickly determined it was my hip flexors. Odd how cranking my hip around released my neck. I really really need to stick to the stretches he gave me....duh.
So today I did some stone drills, some wfd line drills, I jumped some rope, I chatted with Marz, then did some back squats.
45. Oh shush, it's a warm up.
95. Focusing on form...whatever...
245. Oh hello.
275. Will said these looked good....I'll take it from him!
Something has been brought to my attention recently. Surprisingly...by me. After I went back to the gym last week, after having been sick, after missing a game I really wanted to go to, after antibiotics, after feeling shitty and weak, after last week's deads at 305, after today's lift at 275...
I heard myself use the qualifier, "it's ok for a...."
I guess I'm strong....for a mid-life crisis athlete.
I guess that was ok....for an old lady.
I guess I throw ok....for a woman who has no athletic background.
I guess I'm ok....for someone who just started.
I guess that's ok......for just having been sick.
I guess that's ok.....for all the changes I'm going through.
Huh....I am using all sorts of qualifiers on myself. Yet again, I need to ask myself....would I ever ever ever say something like this to anyone in the gym? On the field? In a theater?
Not that I have to be an asshole, but why can't i do 3 sets of deadlifts and say to myself...hey, you just lifted 305, 3 times....that's good. I wonder if I am "qualifying" my work so that I can stop where I am? If I could say to myself, "275 was good on those back squats....let's do more next time." Or am I simply in the habit of making myself small?
Maybe I am strong.
Maybe I can throw pretty well.
Maybe I am an actor.
Maybe I am doing my best as a Mom right now.
Maybe I am enough.
And maybe I can strive for more...if I stop the "for a..." bullshit.