Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Fear driven or driving fear?

Becoming great in anything has everything to do with being driven and nothing to do with motivation. I have said it many times but motivation is fleeting. Being driven is on a far deeper level than being motivated. Drive comes from your core. It resides in the same place as your belief system, morals, and character qualities.
How do you become driven? Figure out what you want to be great at.
What are you willing to give up to accomplish your goals?
Are you willing to do the preparation necessary to be what you want?
Are you willing to remove people, things, and habits from your lives that can hinder your progress?
Can you be selfish enough day in and day out to be what you want?
Those questions must be answered if you are to be what you want. Deep introspection can always keep us on the path we choose. ~James Bullock
Yeah..I have posted this before~sue why today?  I know I am driven to become the best Highlands athlete I can...I have been...I swear...but lately?  I have become fearful and that fear competes with my drive.  I don't know how to balance the fear with simply doing the work.
Since this heart drama started...I am filled with fear....I had been cleared by the cardiologist to I did....but I really should be working on speed and power in preparation for the Master's game in two weeks.  This week I decided to stop over thinking this heart thing and do the prescribed workouts after I lift. So, what happened?

Throwing Sheaf & WFD foot work
3x10 Back extensions and good mornings.
Back squats
3x5  135  185  215
3x3  235  255  265
These felt crazy good...265 was 20 pounds more than I did two weeks ago.

The Wod:
2 rounds of “Barbara”
20 Pullups
30 Pushups
40 Situps
50 Squats
I saw this on the web page and thought...I should be able to do that...when I got to the gym...I saw people's times on the board...and I panicked.  I was scared to have my heart beat elevated for that long.  Is it really long? no...15-20 minutes...but I completely chickened out.  


More throwing hammer drills sheaf....blah blah blah....
This plyo box jump thingys that BJ has me do....
Then these 2+2 clean and jerks 7 times.  I went super duper I am really trying to fix my form on the oly lifts.
And then the WOD:
10 Rounds for time
25 yd Farmer’s Walk
50 Yd Shuttle Run

I couldn't do it....I could not bring myself to face the little bit of running.  I made excuses to myself about the box jump work I already did...but they are just excuses.

Walking away from workouts makes me feel like I am walking away from myself.  

It didn't help that yesterday the doc called and said they did see something on the monitor test and they want to see me again...."extra heart beats"?  What the shit does that even mean?  They also said it's nothing to worry about, but I don't seem to be letting go of the "nothing to worry about" stuff very easily.

At this same point last year I was super driven...I know that letting go of the games in April was the right thing to do, but I know I am not "willing to do the preparation necessary to be what you want?" In large part because I feel like my body has redrawn the lines and I have no idea where the boundaries are anymore.  I miss that Mona that pushed and pushed in the I just feel fear.

Fear of my own heart....that has multiple meanings doesn't it?

I really do understand how important it is to let your body recover from an injury...but this seems so...vague...amorphous....chaotic....I don't know how to find my drive withing this structureless "injury."

I decided this morning...I need to ask for help from those around I have...I am meeting with someone on Saturday who is really smart about things like visualization for athletes...and I think I am gonna ask my coaches for some guidance and a good swift kick in the ass too.

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