Thursday, October 4, 2012

kinda fried

Well, here I am prepping for Aztec....mainly still rehabbing my knee, when I get some funky news that sort of throws me off balance.

My mother has moved to Santa Fe.

This was not a complete surprise as I had seen a post on Facebook a while back about my mother trying to sell her house...I just didn't know she had made the move.  Pathetic~is probably what you are thinking....I have heard it is family.  Blood is thicker than water.  No matter what you have your family.

Well, yes.  I sort of agree.  My mother and I had a huge  falling out and I haven't spoken to her in probably 3 years. The reasons why don't really matter to anyone but me and I would like to make it clear that I don't blame her~for anything that I have done in my adult life.  I know with all of my heart, that she only ever did her best.  I refuse to believe that anything that had transpired was done with any sort of evil intent. But..there came a time I needed to sever that relationship. what does this have to do with lifting or throwing or working out?

I don't know exactly.  I do know that after I severed contact, I was able to start this journey...there was something about no longer allowing myself to be drained that allowed me to create the space to find all of these new people in my life who inspire me, who lift me up, all of you who remind me every day that yes, I am worth my time.  I know that I still struggle with the idea of being invisible, of being enough, hating my body....but these are mine to work through. For some beautiful reason; a heavy bar, a hammer, a rope climb all seem to guide me to that place of being "enough" and shut off the voices of self hatred.

I will go to Aztec, sadly alone...plans change and the film business is a fickle mistress. I may not throw well, but I will bathe in the inspiration of all my highland family, I will be lit by all the folks at Zia coming out to throw for the first time, and I will know that I am enough to be there.

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