phantom cars

The eldest has been gone for about two weeks.  It is odd, in this hyper connected culture, it almost does not feel like he is gone.  Kegan was so busy in classes and rehearsals that there have been many many weekends these last two years that I have hardly seen him during any given weekend.  I do find myself expecting to hear the door at about 9:30 at night...and the car...oh the car. 

I find my heart jumps just the tiniest bit when I see an old white Honda Accord on the road.  I expect to see the boy singing and his silly Steelers crap all over the car and to see him reach out the window with those impossibly big hands of his to wave as he drives by.

But nope. 

As for my workouts?  hmmm, light all last week.  BJ game me some new drills to do with a medicine ball too.  I sort of had a pang for CrossFit last week too....an odd mixture of missing those workouts and a little fear.  I have 6 more weeks left of my lifting program.  Last week and this week I am not actually doing the program, I am just doing "warm up lifts."  I will have been away from any sort of consistent CrossFitting for like 4 months because of these breaks. 

I have to say...I be a scared monkey.

Once I go back, I am gonna suck so bad...I look at some of the posted WOD's and think...I can't do that anymore! Well, there is a ton of stuff I still can't do, but I worry about going back to it. On the other hand...I seem to gravitate toward the things I suck at~sometimes.  I may just need a push, but it is some time down the road.

I am happy with this long ass program and I also look forward to how BJ will help me structure the training from here until May..that is the long term focus after all.  I feel like I am already seeing the benefits of this straight up strength program with my throwing.  Some of this is also the head space I am in about the games.  I am more relaxed..I think...this weekend will probably test that assessment....since it is such a huge games.  I fell like I am beginning to trust myself more...trust what I do know and accept that I know so little.

There were some games this Spring, Worlds being one, that I felt this pressure not to disappoint all of the people who have been so freaking supportive.  I finally realized, because they TOLD ME, that it is not my job to do this for them...to throw well for them. It is really for me.

Yikes, hard to say that....I feel selfish...but I am letting go of that day by day, lift by lift, game by game. 

"If it ain't fun, why do it." ~thanks for that Grant. I am not throwing for anyone but me this weekend, although no matter how I throw, I will raise a glass to all of my Zia Team and my Highland Family. 

Thanks..

And Pierre....you are the best.