Tuesday, July 8, 2014

unconfirmed and non-existent

Let's see....

Yesterday....oh 45 minutes or so of mobility and warm ups....yes warm ups BJ...I did them all.....I even ran.  Slow and sweaty and appreciating that I can move the whole time, I swear. 

The Monday post games is tricky.  I need to get back to it, but I am generally sore and feel like a "recovery" workout is in order.

So Back Squats  5x5  It was sooooo hot and sweaty in the gym  ugh...  the regular class had them too so I waited a little for a rack, but since I was feeling was ok.  Did my working sets at 165...last recovery Monday I did them at that is...whatever it is.

Press....strict. 5x5  at 65~poops.  I tried to get Sheila to do these for me but nooooo.  My strategy yesterday seemed to include a boat load of self talk.  Reminding myself why BJ gave me a particular exercise to do....Do these Presses Mona. they will prevent injury later...  do these "pull ups" help strengthen your upper back.....Do these good mornings Mona, they will help your hamstrings.....It helps me, even if it is annoying,

Came close to another record this weekend....but it shall remain unconfirmed.  My fault for not alerting the judge that I thought it might be close.  Not sure why I really care all of a sudden.  I do and I don't...It is a point to strive for...not a goal, if that makes sense.  My favorite part of the games was getting to throw with a new thrower, Elizabeth....she spent most of the day doubling her prior throws.  And....turning her very first caber.  As we were all leaning on the trailer~you could almost feel this collective push as she stopped for the pull.  It was beautiful. She jumped in the arms of her friend (husband?) then jumped in the arms of some of the women who had been coaching from the sides.  Thinking of her has nearly brought me to tears this week. 

Laura took a poll....turns out that almost all of us came to the sport after having lost weight....between the 7 of us, it was well over 500 pounds. I did too, but I have gained much of mine back...most from moving heavy weights...some from being a lazy eater.

I have a confession to make about this weight thing...I have been avoiding myself lately....Mirrors~I mean...I have returned to a really nasty place...I can't look in a mirror...not even at my face, and forget about looking at the whole deal. I know I'm chubby...but clothes fit, so I don't know what this is.  I knew it got super bad the day I saw the video that Dan had put up of my 16' throw....I found myself critical of HOW I LOOKED... I wasn't looking at my form, I wasn't looking at what I DID....all I could do was look at myself on video and think about how I terrible I look....


Really...that crap again?  I know that my goals revolve around what I can do...not a number on a scale....not how small I can become....or frankly not even how lean I can get...but what I can do.  Yet...all I saw was not good enough...Ugh, my belly....not thin enough....stupid fat face...not muscular enough....not deserving of the throw itself. 

yeah...I thought that.....

I have forced myself to watch it a couple of look at some of the photos from Idaho and Colorado Springs, so I can look at my a turn, at the hip pop (or not)....get back to the movement instead of the "how do I look? "why aren't there good photos of me" sort of crap.

I posted the video anyway, so that is something I guess.  I hate struggling with this....I really do.  And god knows that last thing in the world I want is to be fishing for a compliment.....gag....I am just sharing this continued struggle....thinking some of you may struggle with this crap too....

Maybe I need a little more mirror time... with Stuart. 

Or something....

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